Should I say something?

[alex82]

I have a friend who is a bit an energy vampire. I can kind of cope with that, even though the feeling of every last emotion being wrung from you to build someone else up is pretty tiring. And there is never any respite from it.

We went on holiday together a couple of years ago, and I found it quite hellish. I changed my flight and paid for an extra week just so I could look forward to experiencing it without her daily presence. Then I find out she described it as 'the time of her life' and I feel guilty.

Last week, in the wake of my speaking about trans, she decided to announce that she had befriended a 'non binary person' and was looking forward to discussing their 'mental illness' in more depth. Actually not discussing it. "Helping them with their mental illness" was how it was put. I was with a friend who'd never met her before, so really stuck as to what I could say - because we all knew why she was saying it, in those terms.

I just know it was partly aimed at me, and she chose a moment when I wouldn't be able to get into it to say it. It was just so needless.

This friend and I went out, and when we arrived back, she was on the phone and said 'I'll have to go, the men are home'. I froze in horror. It was so needless.

I knew I was going to have problems with her. She was someone I didn't tell for ages. Apart from her general attitude, she's a very strident radical feminist. Several of my friends are, but she is extra.

When I did, I was pleasantly surprised by the lack of debate, although she did say 'we can learn about it together' and I said, no thank you, I don't need to learn about myself, and I'm not your educational aid.

I think now she's had time to think about it, and talk to people about it, she's starting to get the digs in everywhere she can manage. I'm so angry I can't speak to her. We fell out before and I wrote her an email, which she has never mentioned - carry on regardless. Although a couple of the things I discussed in it have been modified.

What would you do? Should I say something? Say nothing? Write? Presumably people who think 'confront' would say I should keep it to this issue alone, but there's so much bothering me now.

After this 'here are the men' remark, I sat with her for a couple of hours talking about her life, as usual. Everything was complaint, everything was negative, everything had her front and centre, everything she phrases either requires total agreement or dispute. So I end up just nodding. Very occasionally, you'll get a chance to speak, and rather than reflect it back, it's like you never said it - she's just waiting all the time to get back to her and her life. I wouldn't even mind so much, but it's not that interesting.

I don't know what I should do. I hate losing friends and cutting people off. I've stuck with her all this time, while everyone else has scarpered, because I do place a high importance on loyalty - and I've listened over and over about who's jumped ship now, and should therefore die alone and in pain. It's just such a level of poison. Even something as simple as electrolysis - I said on the phone that I'd just had an appointment, and all she said was 'yeah I've had that' before going off on another spiel about her sodding life.

Now that she kind of knows everything, and has deliberately taken it in that direction, I feel like sending a twenty page letter. I've given her a long, long, long rope, over a period of several years, and she's not only hung herself, but wound it round and round my neck.

[KathyLauren]

Loyalty is a fine attribute, but it sounds like it is the only reason for you to be there.  You wouldn't be losing a friend.  She is, as you put it, an energy vampire.  You have a transition to attend to, so you don't need to have your energy sucked dry by her.

I understand the uirge to write a long letter, but think of all the energy that you would put into it.  And where would that energy go?  SLURP!  Sucked dry.

If you feel the need to say anything to her, let it be, "Good bye!"

[DawnOday]

I am proof positive we can't be fixed, as there is nothing about you that needs to be fixed. I wished I could have let it go. But instead I internalized until I lost most every friend I ever had. Carrying anger around is a real bummer. If I were 25 again there is no way I would not get the full treatment and if a uterus was available for transplant I would be first on the list. Luckily I was able to nurture my kids growing up so that eased the pain. But we live in a world of information now. Information that a few years ago was not available. I carried my secret for 60 years. Since coming out to my loved ones the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. No i didn't need to be fixed I needed to be accepted and luckily I have a great family that does just that.

[Lady Sarah]

You probably don't want the energy vampire in your life at this point. She will only disrespect you at every turn, just to enjoy your pain.

If I was in your shoes, I would offer an ultimatum, and prepare to kick her out of my life when she transgressed against me again. But then, I do get  a bit b!tchy at times.

[alex10]

I agree with the others. Also its pretty disturbing that she treats you this way, especially the "men" comment and voicing her opinion that being trans is a mental illness. I think a friendship with a person who makes nasty digs at you like that isnt worth keeping. Do the pros of keeping her as a friend really outweigh the cons? I know you said you hate cutting people off but you can always remember the good times you had together instead of trying to keep it going. Though if you really believe she might change, you could try writing that letter, though it sounds unlikely from what you've said. Good luck!

[RobynD]

You may want to try one last thing. Sometimes people are social bullies and they enjoy being that. I might have jumped on both the mental illness comment and the men comment immediately and strongly. When she tried to interrupt, i would have stopped her.

Sometimes when you confront someone they do change and they realize they can't bully you and they need to have their recreational pounding occur to some other friend.

Lacking that though, yeah i'd cut the loyalty and send her on her way.

[alex82]

Thank you, you're all right.

Lady Sarah, this is kind of my fear - I have a pretty significant inner bitch, so when weighing this up, I have to think, I could go too far and be truly hurtful if I decide to confront.

Robyn, I would've said something too but I was just so shocked, and I was with a friend who didn't know her, it wouldn't have been fair to lock horns in front of him in that situation.

Kathy Lauren, I do know what you mean about the energy it would take to write to her and that she'd just drink the lot, it's certainly something to think about. She's emotionally super absorbent - take take take. The emotional one way traffic leeched out literally leaves you with nothing. 

She crosses my boundaries every single time. I know she does it to everyone else too. She also does this thing that makes my flesh crawl - the faux hug. She'll be really nasty about someone/anyone, see that I'm uncomfortable with the tone, and then these bloody arms are suddenly around you. It's like some kind of assault. Really suffocating.

On that, we discussed sexual assaults and rapes one night because something came on television and she wanted to speak about it from a third wave perspective. I told her about mine, and she immediately said 'that's not nearly as bad as what happened to me' and off she went again. Just as one example of the head spinning responses she provokes.

It's just kind of constant, I don't know why I put up with it. I suppose I feel guilty. I know she's not happy, and she smokes a lot of weed - so she's been fired - I did tell her it was coming, visible from a mile off, and to take steps to remedy her worklife. She didn't. Now it's a great surprise to her, definitely happened because she's a woman, and middle aged, and so I sometimes fall asleep at night to her voice on the phone, ripping her former boss and colleagues into tiny vindictive pieces.

In fact, when I was there, she'd fallen out with her dealer - so she expected me to go to his address to get her her fix. Said I was an ungrateful friend for refusing and 'fine, I'll ask someone else'. Yeah, do so, and don't ask me again, I've literally just sat here for the last hour while you tore him to shreds, and now you want me to go find him so you can smoke!

The friend I was with noticed independently what her sort of game is. I was thrilled. She said to him 'don't you think we (me and her) are like mother and son?' - NO, I have a mother - who's much nicer and far more attractive than you btw, I'm not your son, I'm glad I'm not, I've told you before not to say that to people because it makes my flesh crawl, yet you do it with every third party we ever encounter together. Maybe she thinks because I'm quite open and were close - but I really am like that with all of my friends.

He just picked it up and said to her - no, I don't get that at all, what you've actually done there is demolished someone's autonomy and hung an ownership sign on them, divided them off from the rest of the room, and tried to elevate yourself into authority over them in the eyes of anyone else involved.

I was like, oh wow, you got it, that's how I feel right now, I could kiss you, thank you. She pretended she didn't understand and said 'what's he on about?'. I said to her, imagine I'm a tree, and you're a dog marking its territory - he's saying that's the dynamic on display, not parent and child.

It drives me up the wall. For such a strong feminist, it's a very odd thing to do to someone - it's pretty much the same thing that certain men do to 'their' women.

Even before I told her about me, we had crossed words about Caitlyn Jenner. She's still using the 'drag queen' term, and still periodically saying 'he only did that because he's sexually jealous of his wife and daughters' - strong emphasis on the 'he'.

I've become quite a fan, and I came across this YouTube clip where Caitlyn says, 'I don't hate Bruce and I feel bad, like I kicked him out the door and he didn't deserve it' with tears in her eyes - so I thought, save it, I'll send her that. Then I thought, no, I won't. You'll mock her, you'll tear her to pieces, you don't deserve to see that wonderful honest clip.

I sent her another trans story a couple of years ago. She'd been doing her 'men are scum' thing, and I found this lovely article about a group of university rugby players, who had a female to male transsexual on the team, and they were on board with it, this person was just another one of the guys - they were describing themselves as his 'big brother' and taking him out to pubs and clubs, they were proud to have a great new teammate, they'd clubbed together to pay for some treatment for him, and it was a very happy story. I passed it along to her with a note saying 'this is such a heartwarming news story'. And all she said in response was 'they'll rape her'.

I think you're all right - let it go, that's not a friendship. It was always going to be too much to expect her not to start undermining the trans aspect when she does it with everything. It's just that decision of whether to confront or not.

I'm sorry for ranting, it just drives me insane.

[Dena]

There are people who always have to be the center of attention and need to outdo everything that is said or happens. This type of person can be very aggravating to be around and I suspect if you confront, nothing will change because it's a permanent part of their personality. My suggestion is just to drift apart. Maybe see her on a few occasions but you control how much or how little. Be unavailable when you have had your fill.

[alex82]

Yes, you're right. You can't even have a quiet migraine of your own. The one she conveniently had two days before will have been worse.

I think it'll be the case that nothing changes. Confronting would just be saying "I'm aware, and this is how I feel about it all" but it would change nothing.

Drift apart and respect my own boundaries is top advice.

[alex82]

I agree with the others. Also its pretty disturbing that she treats you this way, especially the "men" comment and voicing her opinion that being trans is a mental illness. I think a friendship with a person who makes nasty digs at you like that isnt worth keeping. Do the pros of keeping her as a friend really outweigh the cons? I know you said you hate cutting people off but you can always remember the good times you had together instead of trying to keep it going. Though if you really believe she might change, you could try writing that letter, though it sounds unlikely from what you've said. Good luck!

Another Alex! Thanks Alex for your kind words.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Alex,
   By your description, I know someone very similar. The negativity will suck the life out of you. I look at it a little differently than some of the other folks here. I figure, since she drives you crazy, the risk of losing her is not much of a concern. You essentially have nothing to lose. That said, letting someone keep going like she does does neither her or anyone she interacts with any favors.  I believe everyone deserves feedback on how they act. How else can they change. If it were me, I'd call her on the offensive things she says. Of course, everyone has their limit of patience. For the person I know, she has made some changes at least around me. She knows I won't put up with her BS. I still have to take her in small doses. For me, it just seems wrong to let an obnoxious person go through life without having someone give them a reality check.
   God, if I was just obnoxious here, please don't tell me. LOL
Moni

[Michelle_P]

Alex, I'm sorry you've been saddled with such a toxic person.  Folks like this can be a real drag on one's healing and transition efforts, as well as your psychic energy.  Heck, they're walking dysphoria initiators.

I'm not sure maintaining close contact with someone like this is worth the trouble going forward.  Save your energy for your efforts on your own behalf.

[KyleeKrow]

Yeesh....I don't think I could've made it past the mental illness remark. At least not without going off on her.

[Paige33455]

At the risk of appearing callous, I have to ask: do you like torturing yourself?  Rather than confronting her perhaps a less stressful approach is to avoid the problem altogether. .... unless there is some reason you feel compelled to try to change her demeanor towards you.

Just as you would like her to simply accept you as you are, why are you not willing to accept her just as she apparently is?  What is to be gained by a confrontation?  If you feel the cost/benefit justifies confrontation then by all means.  If an action doesn't benefit you or your mental health, why do it? 

While it's always "easier" to give advice when one is not directly engaged with the problem, it appears from your description that a confrontation will not result in a change of her boorish, bigoted behavior.....save your energy for other mutually supportive relationships.

[CallApril]

She's an egocentric <Not Permitted>. Cut your ties.

She doesn't learn clearly so your confronting her won't be an earth shattering change that will stop her being tactless and classless.

Mod Edit:Language

[Rachel]

Hi Alex,

When I read what you were saying I thought that sounds familiar. There is something more happening here, you need to recognize the full dynamic. She is bullying and self absorbed and you are being bullied and listening to her and it hurts.

Whether she changes her way is not important. Nor if the friendship survives. What is important is that you grow from the relationship and not sacrifice yourself in this relationship. If you look in introspect there are reasons you are still in the relationship. If you want change then change your dynamics and fulfill the need she provides elsewhere.

[alex82]

All thoughts and advice gratefully received.

Im just going to play it by ear, not contact her until she contacts me, be noncommittal to anything she discusses on the phone, say I'm too busy to visit, etc.

If in a few weeks time I'm still boiling with rage, I'll write to her. In the expectation that doing so will be the end.

[V]

It's important to have the right supportive people around you. Alas your 'friend' sounds anything but.
Hanging onto the wrong kind of people is very carcinogenic to your own health and wellbeing.
Being trans is hard enough as it is, you gotta be a bit selfish to survive. You gotta think about yourself.
If I were you I'd just slowly distance yourself from her, until she's no longer in your life.
Don't do anything unpleasant that might create any retribution, just quietly ditch her.
And don't feel guilty about it either, it's just not worth your time or emotional investment.

[Myrrial32]

We have a tendency of being similar to those we hang out with all the time. This often manifests itself as similar income levels, morality, or their life outlook whether that be positive or negative. Like how laughing, yawning, etc. tend to be contagious, anything we are exposed to very often will start to sink in to us mentally.

So if you hang around people with a positive world view that will help you be more positive. While you don't have to stop being friends with anyone. I would limit contact with those who are negative and complainers constantly, while increasing time you spend around positive upbeat and supportive people.

If you don't accept someone showing negativity or complaining in your presence, the people will either conform more to your wishes to maintain the relationship, or they will distance themselves. This way it isn't you being unloyal, it will be up to them how much they want to value your relationship.

Bottom line is if you don't give them room to act negative or complain to you, they will have to be more supportive or get out. I don't believe that ultimatum could be perceived as rude or anything. Nowadays complaining is almost at epidemic levels, which the news media does a great job of perpetuating.

I hope you are able to find a resolution that works best in your favor. Just don't accept complaining or negativity from anyone, transition is hard enough on its own.