I don't think I could stand to take that pill. I'm going to put a Hindu spin on it. For some reason, I chose to take this life, to be born in this body. Maybe I've lived female in most or all of my previous lives, and I wanted to try out a "light" version of male; not very well-built for a male, fine bones, average height and lower weight, but a bit hairy and aggressive in confrontations (to a point). I did not like the mental effects it had on me, in retrospect, looking back on a couple of men exposing me to pornography through magazines when I was hardly a teenager. I'm embarrassed by the stupidity shown towards women occasionally in that previous life before transition. Supposedly, I might have picked a body and a family to be born in that would give me a safety "out" in case I freaked out on the "male experience."
I knew something wasn't right when I was about 13 years old, but even younger at almost 8 years old on a subconscious level (this was for a Christmas play, playing as an angel made up to look feminine for that role - the interesting thing was, I only started to learn to talk and read and write formally that August or September at the school for the deaf in San Antonio - I had already gone through kindergarten and what would have been first grade with NO IDEA what was going on and why I couldn't just stay home and play). I felt something like, "I see this stuff on me, which makes me visualize a girl in my mind's eye, then my Dad, and I immediately get scared because I don't want Dad to see me like this, because I'm afraid he would not like me anymore or not be pleased with my appearance, which never happened before." I felt very self-conscious, vulnerable, even.
Understand, I didn't know how to communicate my feelings, except by acting on them. I could only feel what I felt and act on them. I would show my anger, I would hide somewhere out of fear, I would hang onto something out of greed and would yell myself blue-black after it was taken from me, I would be sad and cry myself to sleep, or I would be happy in fascination with something new in front of me. I lived by my senses and emotions during the Deaf Years (up to seven and a half years old). The other thing was, and I wish I had acted on it when I learned about it as a teenager, Dad had told me in his story telling (he was 48 when I was born, one of the Great Generation or the GI Generation of WWII) about a friend he had, who was a ->-bleeped-<-, and he told me what such a person was like, and this man was a really, really good friend of Dad's. This should have told me that it was okay to tell Dad right then and there, "F!@#$, Dad! I need help! Something doesn't feel right! I'm sorta like that friend you're telling me about. What do I do, what do I do??" But I was too scared. Later, when I finally decided to go through with transition at almost 32, Dad got to see me change right in front of him physiologically, though I was not allowed to tell him because of the frailty of his health (he was 80 when I started and died just after turning 82). The second clue was that he said one time during the previous life, "Son, you know I love you. I'll always love you. I'll support you in whatever you want to do. You don't have to worry. I'll always love you." It didn't occur to me that he may have been trying to tell me something after Mom may have gone to him to tell him after I came out to her about 10-11 years prior to my decision to come out. Mom didn't get to see that I decided to go through with this, as she passed just under two years prior to his passing.
I needed an environment to try out this body, and it so did not work... I was able to go ahead and transition MTF as a fail-safe. I really did not like how it make me feel as a male, what it did to my mind. I think what happened was that I carried a significant amount of saṃskāra, or mental impressions from memories from past lives that cause me to respond to things I encounter - It could be that I have lived so many female lives that the male body is a shock to me. It's like in western parlance, we have a brain map that tells us where things are supposed to be, and our bodies are supposed to match that brain map, but it does not. There's a mismatch between brain and body sexes. From the eastern perspective I'm coming from, it seems to be I had (in that in-between-death-and-rebirth period) ignored my advisor's instructions that I must stay in the path of female lives and that a male body would not work for me, but stepped back and wondered, "Is there a way that I can experience a male life and yet have the fail-safe of a feminine body that I could transition to if the idea failed without committing suicide?" To do so is miserable and could set you back further than if you just stick it out and finally shed your old body like old clothes and get ready to put on new clothes (another birth). This was a compromise so that I would not be as damaged at the end of this life as I would have been had I woken up to my female mental impressions while a 360-lbs body-builder - I know what it's like to know your true nature and not feel like you're allowed to act on it honestly - just pure misery!
Nope, I could not take this pill. See, there are three layers of bodies we have. The physical body you and I can see, the "subtle" body of yours I cannot see, but you can feel and experience, and then the "causal" body that you and I are not even aware of, but gives rise to the physical and subtle bodies we need to live in this world. The pill might change the mental experience of this life, which is referring to the physiological part of the brain, but it wouldn't change the subtle impressions you've carried over from a previous life because firstly, western science doesn't believe in reincarnation, and secondly, because it's based on western science, doctors don't know how to access the subtle body, never mind manipulate things to change aspects of mental impressions that will stay with you, from body to body until you finally do something to satisfy your karmas or burn them through accomplishing what you set out to do in this life, before you forgot your memories prior to injection into your present body. Whatever your desires are, if you listen to them, they will guide you to satisfying the unsatisfied karmas from the previous life(s).
