Hello everyone,
My name is Matthew and I just turned 19 years old. I apologize for the length of what this post will likely be, but I stumbled across your website tonight and after reading all of your indepth knowledge and experiences, I felt the need to join. I don't know... maybe it's in ways a cry for help over what have become such conflict feelings inside me, or maybe just to talk to someone who can relate. I know you probably hear get these questions all the time, so I apologize. Anyways...
Since I was six years old, I have had the urge to dress up as a woman (bet you would have NEVER guessed that, huh?!). In fact, I remember the exact moment. It was one October day and a female cousin was over and we decided to play house and somehow I got stuck as playing the wife. As a gag, I was playing girly and prancing around like one, but for some reason, even then, I remember feeling this shame if my Dad or someone caught me acting like that. Perhaps it was the natural fear of any six year old boy, but maybe it was also because I found myself enjoying it and it tapped into deeper feelings. Anyways, the next day, that led me to going into my parent's bedroom and finding a pair of my Mother's nylons and trying them out... and I loved them. Unfortunately, the next day, I ended up having one of the worst injuries to ever happen to me - I broke my elbow riding a bicycle - and unfortunately, I had the nylons on. So when I'm in the hospital, naturally, they found them. When I get home, my parents confront me and they ask me: "Do you want to be a girl?" And, of course, I say no. Being six years old, I think they were willing to just let it go, yet, for me, it was the beginning of something.
As I went through grade school around that time - still very much a kid - I would grab a pair of my Mother's nylons and hide them somewhere in my room. That way after I came home from school, I would go and get them, go in the bathroom and try them on and I could be a girl. It was something I would look so forward to every day; even if it were just girl's nylons. But it would feel great. Even if just for a brief period, I didn't have to be a boy and I could go into my own world. Instead, I could prance around and be a girl, maybe a ballerina and it would feel exhilarating, yet probably somewhat terrifying due to the fear of being caught. And I remember around that age, I would play with my cousins - all girls - and when they would play dolls, I always subtlely got them to make me play Barbie. While on the outside, I'd pretend to be embarrassed and just "go along with it," I loved it. Same when I'd get stuck with the part of the wife when we'd play house... I was probably around... 6-8 years old?
And after that one incident when I had my elbow injury, I never was caught again. And as I got older, it progressed into more outfits whenever my parents were gone. Whenever they'd leave, it would always be a fun little adventure, going into Mommy's closet and finding what I thought looked pretty on me. I always remember wanting to go dressed as a girl for Halloween, but I would never have had the nerve to mention or even hint at it to them for fear of being found out. Although when my brother and his wife lived with us, I tried to subtlely suggest to her to come up with that idea, but, alas, not so. Then suddenly, at around 10-11 years old, I stopped crossdressing. Maybe due to some subconscious guilt, I just stopped. But, as you probably can guess, the urge started to come back a couple of years later. In fact, I'll never forget when the urge became so strong, it caused me to dress up again: exactly on my 13th birthday. I was staying at my Grandparent's house and my Aunt lives with them. I was sleeping on the couch and as she was leaving for work, she told me to go sleep in her room and I went to her room... except I didn't sleep. Why? Because once I laid down, I saw all these lovely clothes around me and it awoke everything I had tried to forget about. The temptation of all those clothes there was too great. So I took off my clothes and slipped into a matching pair of her bra and panties and slipped on one of her nightgowns and even put on a dab of her perfume. There I was... LOL, this boy who just turned 13 who should have been - like other boys on that day - ready to go out there and assert their manhood, and there I am, on absolute CLOUD NINE! in a cute little nightgown not only feeling like a girl, but smelling like one too. Oh God, what a great moment that was... laying there like that so early in the morning, listening to the news on TV, the morning birds chirping, and feeling complete euphoria... and femininity. Of course, this started to set off me crossdressing again and I really started to get into it a lot. Like when I was starting to get into more when I was a little child, it was not just the typical bra and panties, but more: heels (probably the only 13 year old boy who learned to walk in heels!), skirts, dresses, even sometimes a dab of lipstick and eyeshadow. And with my brother and sister in-law now back living at my house, there was so many clothes to invade and that I did. In fact - and I almost feel guilty for it - I wore her wedding dress before her wedding! And, dammit, I looked better than her!
So why am I telling you all of these experiences? Probably because they stick out a lot during those years. Even then at those ages, I had wanted to really be a girl and I think even at those young ages, I had intended to become one. However, I don't recall ever self-loathing myself, but I would envy and want to be a girl so bad. And as I kept getting older, the fantasies kept coming. Where I pictured myself being a woman, wishing I had a female body, having my own breasts, etc. Then sometimes the feeling (maybe due to guilt) would go away and I would forget about it and I could be O.K. as a man. But, sure enough, all would come back and there I would be, dressing up again. In fact, I think when I would see things on TV regarding transsexuals and the like, it would reawake the feelings, until I kept just trying to supress them. You see, when I was dressed it felt like I was in another world. Everything just came together and came alive. I would feel complete dressed up, like me. The attire itself just felt a lot better and that's not even counting how much more comfortable it is (O.K., maybe not all of it!). When dressed, for some reason, I did not feel repressed, compared to the very awkward and very shy person I normally am... it's as if this completely other side would come out and it felt quite exhilarating and fabulous. I felt so... pretty, for once. It made me feel glamorous, and feminine, and it would make me feel so confident, my self-esteem would finally come alive. I finally felt good about myself. LOL, I'll never forget I would turn on Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman" all dressed up and when she would sing the first line "Let's go, girls..." I would feel as if she was singing to me. And now that I think of it, that song goes back even further with me. When the video came out in 1997, I'll never forget watching it, just in amazement thinking: "I wish that were me, and I wish I could look like her." I was about nine years old. But I digress...
Yet as I did get into my mid-teenage years, naturally, I did discover things like masturbation and the like and the crossdressing experiences no doubt became more sexual. Maybe I'd masturbate more to the fact of wanting to be a female. Where when I'd dress up, I'd get into this female state of mind, but once I masturbated, the girly clothes would come off and I'd be alright. But yet, it was still different. It wasn't as if after I masturbated, the feelings of wanting to be a woman ever completely went away. They didn't. Maybe once I took off all the dresses and got it out of my system (at least as much as I could), it wasn't as bad, but - as much as I probably don't like admitting it - the feelings were probably still there... and maybe that's natural, since this was happening since I was six. But the guilt would take over and I have not crossdressed since late 2005. Yet the times come - and more and more frequently and more and more strongly these days - where the urge to crossdress and feel that way again comes and so strongly. Even sometimes I just have to resist myself if I see a cute outfit I just want to try on. But the urge to crossdress isn't just for the sake of dressing... it's to want to feel that completeness again. All those feelings... to feel good, feel prety, feel complete... I think that's why. It's as if it puts that connecting piece of the puzzle in place. Of course I have the fantasies to be treated like a woman, and I do find myself getting a high when friends say how girly I am - even though at the same time I'm still trying to kick that and become masculine... yet deep down I still crave to hear how much of a woman I am - to even having the fantasy of waking up one day in a hospital with people near and dear to me next to me after I have completed the surgery and they're now referring to me in female pronouns. The womanly fantasies aren't constant, but they're there, and when the urges come, then they are especially present. In fact, I even had came up with a female name for me, which would have been Jennifer. I love that name... it's sooooo pretty.
In terms of personality, my friends always tell me that I'm one of the most feminine people they know. Maybe because I enjoy getting manicures or probably because they know about my past and notice my feminine mannerisms. They will also say that I have a very feminine personality, that I respond and act like a woman and, honestly, they're probably right. I have a feminine mind, there's no question. I have a big feminine side to me, LOL, obviously! But it is interesting... a lot of times with women, I will look at them more in envy if anything. If I see this beautiful woman or something, rather than thinking: "Oh My God, what a hottie, I'd do her!" I'll just think: "Man, I wish I had that body or I'd kill to look like that! I love her hair and style" Or "Why can't that be me?" Of course, being 6'1" and over 200 pounds, the chances of looking convincing are miniscule, as it is.
But yet as I near the age of 19, despite my crossdressing embargos, despite it all, the feelings are still there. No matter how much masculinity I strive for, I still find myself acting like "one of the girls," and, in ways, still kind of feeling like one of the girls... and enjoying it with a guilt. For as much masculinity as I want to achieve, I still get just tickled if a friend says if I do something girly... and then I'll tell myself: "No, you can't think that, you have to act like a man, so toughen up." But it's as if that feminine side wins over at times. For as manly as I want to be, even my best friends - both girls - say to me: "I honestly think of you like one of my girlfriends." Of course, secretly, I get a kick out of that for some reason.
I suppose that some of it has developed into the typical TV fetish, but it's always felt deeper than that... I can just feel it. I mean, I don't have the urge to go grab a knife right now and cut off my penis this second or something - nor do I scream in disgust whenever I look at it - but yet... it's ALWAYS nice to think of how it would be if I did have a vagina there instead and the thought is nice... in fact, very nice. In fact, when dressed, one of the things that I did love was imagining that there was nothing there, and at times - even as a man - I would try to hide it. So who knows... maybe I dislike it more than I think. But the fantasies are there... to how it would feel to be loved like a woman (I like men, though I still get in denial about it a lot). To be a Mom, to experience all of it. Sure, you'd hear people say: "Oh, but you don't know how hard women have it," yet I do and that's not even what matters, nor is dressing up for the sake of dressing up. What I know is that for the past 13 years, it's been a roller coaster and, as I approach later years, it's becoming deeper. I'm no longer the six year old just ready to come home and try on Mommy's nylons in the bathroom, just so I could get some peace escaping into being this ballerina or whatever. Instead it's the fantasies that I mentioned above... and even thinking about how life would have been if I had been a teenage girl; i.e. showing up to my birthday parties in beautiful evening gowns and being accepted as a girl, etc. In fact, if I could have chosen the sex to be born, I would have no doubt chosen female. But yet, I never quite felt like one of the guys to begin with, as demonstrated with me pretty much having female friends. I always just felt more at home with the girls and some of it's because... a lot of times... I always mostly kind of felt like one of the girls.
I tend to wonder these days whether the gender issues have played a bigger role in my life than I had always thought. Of course, being bipolar and gay can add to both. But maybe some underlying unhappiness that I've never really realized has been because of this and it was hidden subconsciously, because I've tried to stop all of it altogether the past few years. I don't know. All I know is that this is something that I'd love to stop. I guess I just want to be that masculine, macho type so badly, yet there I am... still with these feelings all these years later.
I guess, ultimately, I'd be interested in hearing your take on this and whether you think I am transsexual or at least show a lot of signs of that and gender dysphoria. While I know that at the end of the day, I can only diagnose myself - just my luck! - I am curious what conclusion you would arrive at, if you were a betting person. I guess, ultimately, this whole post comes down to the one question I'd love to hear your answer on: in YOUR eyes - and only your eye, not mine - do you think I'm a girl? And if so, would that mean even right now?
Thanks again for hearing me out and I am so sorry for the length of this. If you choose not to respond, I totally understand... I guess it's just a really rough period for me and I needed to let it out to someone who's been there. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Matthew
