Well, Hello everyone once again. I finally saw a therapist and while it helped there are still many things to discuss. She told me to communicate with people so I feel like this is yet the best place to ask questions...
Wanted to ask again for those who realized very late in life (or not so late but mid 20s...). Since many things say I'd be trans and many other things say I'm kind of obsessed and freaking out about this too...
I know many of you used to see women and wanted to be like them... and I know I've asked this before and it sounds complicated but... In my early 20s I started looking at women images and or videos, and I'd kind of start imagining their faces a little different until I'd get this urge of satisfaction in my mouth/throat... This I'd do with myself in the mirror in order to imagine whatever features I didn't like about me in other positions that I'd like them to be... (like imagining my left eye a little bit more to the left for example, or my teeth a little straighter)...
That being said, I've realized that I do the same with women, before I thought it was because I like them and wanted them to be what in my mind was "perfect"... but now I realize that when I do it, I get this sensation as if I was "shifting" those features around on my face or body. It only happens when I see pictures of women, and now it even happens when I see women in real life. It's kind of killing me because I can't even look at women anymore in a natural way... Before I thought I liked them, now I don't know if every-time I've seen a woman (all this time), deep down I was seeing my own possible reflection... This only happens when I see women and not men...
The other weird thing is... not sure if it's been a self-defense mechanism up until now for my mind to spare me the terrible dysphoria, but I can't visualize myself as my actual physical persona even if I wanted. Everytime I visualize myself doing something is like the first image that comes to my head is of a different persona/body. Not really me but not really female either? Hard to tell... so weird...
Also, most people here say they want to be a woman... for me it's like... I wish I did not feel this way. I already have some female features in terms of body. Softer skin, bigger butt, tiny gyno, kind of like mild Klinefelter symptoms, but my whole life I've hated this and do now still. I've always wanted a more masculine body. This all confuses me. Sometimes I feel like I might actually have Klinefelter (and be of those who feel feminine inside, but hate it).
All this and having severe OCD does not help. OCD can make things feel very very real, and once in the loop it becomes a mess. I'll keep talking to the therapist but I'm so confused since bottom line the decision is mine
...
Thanks, especially if you read this far without getting annoyed
