Sometimes feeling very depressed and sometimes very positive about transitioning

[Sena]

I just want to talk about something that I have a lot of the time and would like to hear experiences of others with this.

For now I am still pre everything because I was told a few years ago that I wouldn't be able to start with hormones because my weight is to high to be able to take hormones. Since that I have been trying to get it down but I just put on the weight that I lose.

And because of that some days I am pretty depressed over it I am now 24 and if there where no problems I probably could have started at 21 or 20 which from what I read would be a good age because till about 25 your body keeps  changing. And a lot of the times I become depressed over all this that I wasn't able to start sooner when hormones would have worked better that I wont be able to pass or be happy even if I would be able to take hormones. And that I don't look feminine at all but masculine

And other days I am a lot more positive and I have an attitude that's a bit like well I wasn't able to start sooner but not everybody can start at a young age and I see a lot that have very positive changes when taking hormones no matter the age, that if I do my best I can start some where next year around when I turn 25, that I already look some what feminine (some people have called me miss which I am very happy with) and that if not all turns out well i could have surgery to help with that.

Both of those aren't very consisted and my mood can change between them very fast although there are more days that I feel negative then positive.

I would like to know from other do you also have days that you feel very down about all of that and other that you are just very positive.

[paula lesley]

Hi, Sena 

It's something that comes and goes for me too. The whole " trans " thing is just not good for us. Take heart in the fact that people already see you as a girl and just keep that in mind in the down days. You have so much time; a head of you, to enjoy life.





Paula, X.

[ButterflyMelissa]

Hi,
Super normal! Get that all the time. I'm in hormones some four months now. Sometimes the "doubt bug" creeps up my spine to my shoulders and whipsers something in my ear...doubts, of course.
What you (and we all , clearly) are doing is not baking a pie. There's a lot riding on this.You have a lot riding on this.
You think the Apolo-to-the-moon went...just like that? Mission control had doubts...until the splash down
See the goal, just the goal, never mind the rocky path getting there
Kissies
Melissa

[Cindy]

I'm reading and looking at this in reverse. OK I transitioned in my 50's, usual fears etc. Of course I was too old - total bull!

I recall coming out of hospital where I was just another female patient, dealing everyday with my medics and nurses. Being bathed, people changing me when I soiled myself. Nurses holding me when I was coughing up my guts and crying from pain. Cleaners sitting with me calling me 'Love' and saying we'll be OK. The open friendliness women have for each other when in distress.

Happiness that I was doing this as a woman. I'm so glad I transitioned - doubts? Of course I had them. But ask your self. "Who do you want to die as?" I found out.

[becky.rw]

Try to write down how you felt and thought before you began transition.   When doubt creeps in, or even laziness to go take that extra pill or change a patch; I remind myself what it was like to live in this head with substantial T in the blood.

Maybe others didn't have quite as strong a psych-function change; but dang, I'd climb ten flights of stairs each morning, with the flu, to avoid going back to that.

[Michelle_P]

Try to write down how you felt and thought before you began transition.   When doubt creeps in, or even laziness to go take that extra pill or change a patch; I remind myself what it was like to live in this head with substantial T in the blood.

This!

Write down, every day, how you are feeling, your mood on waking, what you are doing to cope, and what sort of daily activities you are doing.  Yes, keep a journal.   Then, when the doubts creep in, look back in the journal and re-read how you were doing before you made some change in your life.  That makes a good personal "check" on how changes in your life are affecting you.

After my first therapy session I bought several lab notebooks at the dollar store, and have been filling a page or more almost every day.  On more than one occasion recently I've had that "What the heck are you doing?!??" impulse, the Doubt Monster rearing it's ugly head to try and resurrect the intense depression it longs for.   I re-read how I was doing back then, and realized pretty quickly that I'm much better now, far better off with the changes I've made.

It works. It helps us avoid fooling ourselves about the changes we have made.  How we were is right there on paper.  I like how I am much more than how I was.

[Sena]

Thank you for all of your suggestions i just dont think that writing a lot down about how i feel would be helpfull but i do think that i will try writing down things that made me happy on a day. Doing my final internship for my study now and it is very boring to me so a lot of the time right now i just feel depressed or bored or both so writing that down probally isnt the best idea for me. Will say that even when i feel like i do now most of the time that i am happy that are people out there willing to help me and share there thought about it so thnx for the replys.

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
Sena:

Allow a few more thoughts to share.

I got into weight trouble a few years ago.  I hate to admit I was tipping the scales above 310 pounds.  It did not help that I went into a tailspin of deep depression that lasted 15 months - time that I'll never get back.

I get those sneaky little doubts crossing my mind.  I don't know why they still hit.  Perhaps it is the persistent counter-nagging that I endured since childhood.

Being post-op has not been any lifetime preventative for me.  I work at my recovery every day.

Part of my own doing got me out of depression, part is thanks to my counselling, part goes to my journal writing.

I fought against weight gain, took up a better diet, exercised, and am down to 90 kg all in good health.  Those who travelled say that Thai diet works wonders.  I mix the Mediterranean with lots of beans, grains, fruits, and vegetables.  I try to walk as much as I can; simple things like parking the car farthest from the door when I go shopping.

I still have every reason to be depressed but I examined my life compared to others and resolved my abundance of blessings is a poor excuse.  I help those who need help.

You are certainly not 'too old' to transition.  A friend from a local trans support group began her transition a few years ago and went to Dr. Bowers last year at age 70.  She is in fabulous spirits.

The time to transition is when you are ready.  Certainly, when you are young is the best because you avoid the ravages of T multiplied by the number of years on it.

See, others identifying you as female helps boost your mood.  Keep doing what you are doing to instill that.

Of course, surgery is NOT reversible; it is not the first step but rather the culmination of work with the rest of your life to live.  It does not quite make you what you are not.  Counselling, personal introspection, and writing will lead you to whatever is your decision.

*

[Drexy/Drex]

Mmmm just starting out myself....i loook in the mirror  and go no way ...depressed. .....then sometimes i feel the female self viewing the world and i have hope i,m hopelessly  masculine looking ..depression .. then see ffs .....hope  then think about my body size .....depression. .
Then think about the  larger  bulit female athletes  .....hope its like aroller  coaster , theres no way out of this  now i know i have to do it come what may @ 53
Yourself your young  you already get seen as female .....the worlds your oyster and you are the pearl .....just keep pushing forward
Be happy