1 year since I stopped being in denial. I wish I was closer to an answer.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

While the entire process of dropping my denial took about a week, August 25 is the date I use. I had been going back and forth as to what these feelings were and what they meant for my future, and during an internal conversation I said to myself "What? do you want to grow breasts and have a sex change operation?" and I basically said "Yes I think I do."

Since then I went to a therapist for several months, I thought at the end of those sessions that I had decided that I want to transition, then I moved back to the US from Europe. Once I got back I realized that there were things I still wanted to do, and try before I did anything. There's something holding me back, but I don't know what it is.

I promised myself that no matter how long I took to figure this out I would not put my life on hold, just this week I joined a fencing club. But every time I sign up for something with my current name and check the male box I feel like I'm lying.

I also came out to my parents over the fourth of July. My father took it a lot harder than my mother did (and they are unfortunately believers in Paul McHugh). Every sunday my father emails me asking how I am. I really wish he'd stop. For all I know my concern about breaking their hearts is part of what's holding me back.

I almost (note I said almost) wish my life weren't going well, then I could just say F- it how much worse could things get. I finally found a therapist group that specializes in LGBT things but the first appointment isn't until September. I wish I knew what I wanted to do. I turn 34 next month, I can feel myself getting older. I don't want my life to pass me by.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

[JoanneB]

I almost (note I said almost) wish my life weren't going well, then I could just say F- it how much worse could things get.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

One of my almost daily affirmations that helped me early on is:
"I Know What Does Not Work"

I spent decades dancing with the Trans-Beast, using Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial to survive.... And that was all it was as I slowly turned into a lifeless, soulless thing. Only after I took the beast on for real did my life get better.

To know where you are going, it often takes having to look back at where you have been.

[autumn08]

Before I acknowledged that I'm transgender (also around a year ago), I had a functionalist view of happiness. I felt happiness was maximizing my utility to others.

Even though a part of me has always known that I'm transgender, this view of happiness caused me to numb those feelings. Eventually, that path became untenable, and now, even though I sometimes question whether my current placation of these desires is worth the sacrifices, I know that happiness requires us to aim towards self-realization and have the self-esteem to accept being a disappointment.

I still can't unravel how feminine I would be if it weren't for the social constraints, and I don't know if I'll ever decide starting HRT and subsequently living as female is worth the cost, but as a result of modest placation of the desires that I can unravel and a resolution to continually move forward, my mind is calm, my outlook is optimistic, and my productivity is maximized.

You should resolutely experiment. I know I've peddled this advice to you before, but I think it's the only way to build the requisite strength to circumvent your fears, and accumulate the knowledge you need to move forward.

[Steph Eigen]

This is eloquently written advice. 

You are much further into to process given having pursued therapy but consider the following:

1.  Do something to move toward a point of further realization of a path and an ultimate goal.   Even if modest an appearing to be scratching the surface such as sitting down to pee, using women's skin care products, shaving body hair that may make you feel uncomfortable, making subtle  clothing changes that would probably go largely undetected such as wearing women's briefs or bikinis or indulge in a shirt that is kind of gender-neutral in a more luxurious fabric or color.  This can offer some relief while actually normalizing common feminine behaviors, making them part of your routine.

2.  Actively participate in this forum.  Many wise and helpful people here who will provide reinforcement allowing you to sustain your effort and resolve to find a path to a solution.

3.  Depending on your experience with therapy past,  consider finding a new therapist, perhaps one with a different orientation or therapeutic strategy that may help expand your viewpoint and help you gain a fresh view of the obstacles and potential pathways to a solution.

4.  If it is feasible, try to involve yourself in an activity or group where you would have a better opportunity to

2. 


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[Steph Eigen]

(Sorry Tapatalk misbehaved)

...to involve yourself with likeminded TG people (similar to item 1).  This might help form a better idea for you of the real life experiences that follow with different paths and destinations from full transition to lesser degrees of visible life changes to realize ones actual gender.


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[Steph Eigen]

Actually, item 4 references item 2. 


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[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I've done a lot of experimentation and some changes. I do sit when I pee (95% of the time, if I'm in a men's room and the stalls are filled I'm not waiting). I also shave most of my body regularly. I also basically wear women's jeans exclusively now. What's funny is that my hips have always been wider than the normal male range so they actually fit me quite well. I also have been growing my hair out for about a year now. I do have a bit of a pony tail. Whenever I'm in for the evening I go into girl mode and I pretty much wear a skirt for a little while every day. What's more is I can't ever see myself changing that.

But yet there's something holding me back. I've wondered if maybe its some sort of "If everything in my life goes wrong I can transition then and have a fresh start" type of thought process. I can always have it as that method of always keeping hope. whereas if I do it, if something goes wrong I won't have that sort of emotional crutch anymore. I will have literally tried everything and thus will lack any hope.

I don't know. On the plus side, not being in denial has made things a lot better. I sleep so much more soundly it's altered my morning routine. I used to regularly get headaches at work and those are completely gone now. When the dysphoria gets going it gets a lot worse now, but I guess feeling really bad as a price for feeling really good is better than feeling like crap all of the time, which is How I spent my life from age 10 to 32.

[autumn08]

I saw two options and made a decision. My options were either being transitioned in one year, or first accomplishing my career goals and providing a better life for my family, while bringing myself comfort by continually making modest progress, and hopefully being transitioned before I'm 30.

Sometimes, not fully immersing myself in transitioning still makes me sad, but I know which option would make me more regretful, so rather than staying in mental loop of sadness, I've trained myself to focus on what I can accomplish.

We've made similar progress, but since you don't know where you're headed, (other things being equal) not fully immersing yourself in transitioning is having a greater dampening effect on your life. You need to create a plan and make a decision.