I pass and I'm not proud

[RebeccaFog]

I pass
I get no satisfaction from it
I pass as someone who I am not
it's not me
I could use it to further my career
it's not me

I'm allowing others to determine my comportment
it's not me
back to the cage I go
give me the whip, master,
I will apply it myself

Why can't I get this mask off?
There is no operation for me
there is no definition for me
there is no school for me
I have to make my own me
but that is not who I want to be - making my own me

my community is invisible like me
I pass as somebody
but not as me

[buttercup]

I like it Rebis, I am sitting here thinking of some questions I'd like to ask.  Is the real you in your sites, do you see a happy ending?   

[Shana A]

my community is invisible like me
I pass as somebody
but not as me

Rebis,

That's quite beautiful, very moving and also sad! It touches me deeply, I can totally relate to these feelings.

zythyra

[RebeccaFog]

   Thank you both.  I'm just trying to to get to the essence of my issues.  I'm trying to be simple and to cut out the clutter.

   Hi Buttercup,

   I can see a happy ending in that I believe I understand myself now very well.  It is worse to not fit anywhere and to not understand why you don't fit than it is to not fit, yet to understand why.

   (if you send me a nickel, I'll translate the previous sentence for you)   

   Understanding has brought me some contentment.  There is some sadness in feeling I may never have others of my kind to play with.  Though, I know you're all out there.  Somewhere.  As lost to me as I am to myself.

   I've been feeling a little like crying.  Don't worry about me, though, I am achieving some personal accomplishments in my life now.

[Shana A]

  Understanding has brought me some contentment.  There is some sadness in feeling I may never have others of my kind to play with.  Though, I know you're all out there.  Somewhere.  As lost to me as I am to myself.

   I've been feeling a little like crying.  Don't worry about me, though, I am achieving some personal accomplishments in my life now.

I'm often walking through my life feeling on the verge of tears. Through our unique journeys we grow, and gain an understanding that not many have... still it gets kind of lonely out here on the edge. Some lyrics that I wrote about a dozen years ago that relate to your poem about passing.

I'm a chameleon
Whatever you think you see
Constantly changing colors
What has become of me?

I'm a chameleon
Invisible to all eyes
I blend into the background
Always in disguise

zythyra

[RebeccaFog]

I like them.  They are interesting lyrics. 

reluctantly, always in disguise.

[Pica Pica]

It'd be lovely to express those particular feelings. The jaggy angular not fiitty in ones.

[Alison]

   Very insightful poem Rebis...

This part especially.. (to me)

Why can't I get this mask off?
There is no operation for me
there is no definition for me

[buttercup]

   Thank you both.  I'm just trying to to get to the essence of my issues.  I'm trying to be simple and to cut out the clutter.

   Hi Buttercup,

   I can see a happy ending in that I believe I understand myself now very well.  It is worse to not fit anywhere and to not understand why you don't fit than it is to not fit, yet to understand why.

   (if you send me a nickel, I'll translate the previous sentence for you)   

   Understanding has brought me some contentment.  There is some sadness in feeling I may never have others of my kind to play with.  Though, I know you're all out there.  Somewhere.  As lost to me as I am to myself.

   I've been feeling a little like crying.  Don't worry about me, though, I am achieving some personal accomplishments in my life now.

I think you have some wonderful qualities Rebis, intelligence, understanding, empathy and a great sense of humour and that even when you feel like crying, you take the time to help someone else out.  I appreciate that and your poetry even more. 
Are you by any chance a counsellor? if you're not you should be.  Just wanted to let you know that you are a special somebody and you are not by any means invisible.  I hope you feel better and thanks for sharing your poems. 

[storm]

That's really beautifull Rebis. It really did touch me; makes me feel kind of sad, but not bad at all! And kind of understanding
special these parts to me;

back to the cage I go
give me the whip, master,
I will apply it myself

I have to make my own me
but that is not who I want to be - making my own me

[RebeccaFog]

I think you have some wonderful qualities Rebis, intelligence, understanding, empathy and a great sense of humour and that even when you feel like crying, you take the time to help someone else out.  I appreciate that and your poetry even more. 
Are you by any chance a counsellor? if you're not you should be.  Just wanted to let you know that you are a special somebody and you are not by any means invisible.  I hope you feel better and thanks for sharing your poems. 

   Thank you, Buttercup.  You honor me.

   I'm not a counselor, or even of any particular use to anybody (or so I sometimes feel).  I have noticed I get positive responses from people here on this site and being here has truly helped me in many ways.  I think the most important act that has helped me to feel good about me in general is helping people out.
   I'm trying to come up with a way to apply this in my real life.  I believe I'm getting there.


Posted on: October 28, 2007, 11:13:18 AM

That's really beautifull Rebis. It really did touch me; makes me feel kind of sad, but not bad at all! And kind of understanding
special these parts to me;

back to the cage I go
give me the whip, master,
I will apply it myself

I have to make my own me
but that is not who I want to be - making my own me

Thank you, Storm.  I wasn't expecting such a nice response from you all.  I actually just sat there at the time of the writing and put it down in real time.  No rewrites.  Just reality.

[storm]

No rewrites.  Just reality

And that's what it make so beautiful and touch other people Rebis
Thank you for sharing this with us

[Jay]

Thanks Rebis that is really well said!

[Kaimialana]

I think thats great Rebis. Its exactly how I felt until I found other androgynes near me, found people that I understood and understood me.

Theres something to be said for having genderqueer friend IRL.

[Seshatneferw]

Yes, beautiful, both R & Z. Thank you.

The other big, and related, sad thing is that if I pass too well as something I'm not, how many others are there? Even being as I am, I tend to see others as male or female, and most of the time don't dare to believe that the few who successfully present as androgyne really identify that way. Give me the whip, indeed.

  Nfr

[RebeccaFog]

Yes, beautiful, both R & Z. Thank you.

The other big, and related, sad thing is that if I pass too well as something I'm not, how many others are there? Even being as I am, I tend to see others as male or female, and most of the time don't dare to believe that the few who successfully present as androgyne really identify that way. Give me the whip, indeed.

  Nfr

Wow!  That's been inside my head too.  Get out of my head! 

[Caroline]

Beautifully put Rebis.   

Doesn't really fit my situation, but it still got to me. 

[Shana A]

The other big, and related, sad thing is that if I pass too well as something I'm not, how many others are there? Even being as I am, I tend to see others as male or female,

Indeed, how many of us are there? It's virtually impossible to tell, since so many of us are invisible and pass as something other than who we are, and not everyone who dresses androgynously is androgyne. For all I know my neighborhood is full of fellow androgynes and I don't even know it. I'm going to have to hone my "andrar" <z making up words again, andrar is the androgyne equivalent of gaydar> skills to tell who everyone is, either that or we all have to wear signs  >

zythyra

[Pica Pica]

I'm guessing there are a whole bunch of androgynes. Hundreds of the buggers. I reckon I live with one, I reckon I see lots of them. But I think it is only when there is a significant stress of some kind that these inner pressures refine themselves into a self concious androgyny.

[RebeccaFog]

The other big, and related, sad thing is that if I pass too well as something I'm not, how many others are there? Even being as I am, I tend to see others as male or female,

Indeed, how many of us are there? It's virtually impossible to tell, since so many of us are invisible and pass as something other than who we are, and not everyone who dresses androgynously is androgyne. For all I know my neighborhood is full of fellow androgynes and I don't even know it. I'm going to have to hone my "andrar" <z making up words again, andrar is the androgyne equivalent of gaydar> skills to tell who everyone is, either that or we all have to wear signs  >

zythyra

Maybe we can develop a method of enhancing andrar.  Like a highly developed questionnaire for when we meet suspects.
   "Pardon me.  How do you feel about your genitalia?"    <--- my face before it is punched.