My Real Life Test is going great.

[stephanie_craxford]

As some of you may know I have been in transition for a couple of years and I started my RLT on Aug 8th, 2005, and so far it's been going great.

At work I have 3 new trainees under my wings teaching them how to drive a school bus and everything associated with that.  I was instructing one of them today and as we were driving along (he was driving), we were chatting back and forth as we do, and he asked "So where does your husband work".  It felt so great to be asked that.

I lied a little and answered that he works at Queens University.  I guess that I'll have to come clean and tell him that I don't have a husband, that I have a spouse and she is female.

What do you think?

Steph

[Dennis]

Yep, or use partner and non-gender specific terms if you're not comfortable coming out as lesbian, because that's the way people will take it if you make it clear that you have a female partner.

And I'm glad it's going well for you Steph. Mine's going well too.

Dennis

[Sheila]

Stephanie,
   I'm post op and have been asked that question too. Most people who know me, know that I'm married still, to a woman, and they call her my partner as I do. If someone asks about my husband, like what does he do, I will then answer, my partner is a Human Resource person for Kroger foods. They can think that I'm lesbian and in a lesbian relationship or find out later from the people I work with or just look around. I'm totally out and everyone, I think, in town knows me. This is why I like not being in the closet or being stealth, no lies. I can be myself.
Sheila

[Sara]

Thats great news Stephanie, It feels good to be acknowledged that way.

The problem I face is that when I go to the supermarket my wife will call me Sara and then the checkout person will look at my ATM card and think wait a minute you're a man. I just tell them I have a hormone problem. Scary.

Sara.

[DawnL]

Though still married, my spouse and I have become sisters to people who do not know us.  We refer to each other as partners to those who know us--those people mostly know we sleep in separate bedrooms.

Dawn

[Shelley]

Hey Steph,

Things do appear to be going well for you but that is nothing more than I think you deserve.

I think that the analogy of those gay women with female partners is a good one. I work with a few women who are gay and refer to their partners in a non-gender specific way. One in particular is my closest friend at work and she does not come out to people directly and just refers to her partner in a non-gender specific way. In that way if people find out you have in fact been truthful without any deceit.

Shelley

[stephanie_craxford]

Thanks for the tips.

I could say that it's none of their business what or how my marriage is or isn't.  Like others we refer to each other as partners, and I think that this is the way that I'll have to go with the trainee.  I give his test on Friday and if he passes it he will be working for us and he will undoubtedly find out.

It just felt nice that he would think that I had a husband

Steph

[Leigh]

I suppose it depends on the who/what/where but most of the women I know who are married seldom use the word partner.  Either they married here before it was invalidated or in British Columbia, Canada where it is legal, refer to their partners as wife--as in "I would like you to meet my wife"

[Dennis]

It's legal all over Canada now, Leigh.

And a lot of women still use partner, married or not, just because that's what they've been using for all those years before they could get married. But wife has such a novel and neat sound when you're newly married and newly allowed to be that a lot also use wife.

Most of my straight friends use partner because they can't stand the historical associations with husband and wife. I've heard though that if you use that in the States, you're taken to be gay automatically because straights there don't use that word.

Dennis

[Leigh]

The reason I said BC is because its the closest to us.

When I am dating one person exclusively I use girlfirend rather than partner or SO,   I'm not ashamed of my orientation.  A married friend has their wedding picture on her desk at work and rightly so.  I believe it comes down to the fact that if you are out and honest there are less behind the back comments. 

Wouldn't using wife and husband depending on the gender involved, help dispell the historical context of marriage?  A marriage should be defined by those in it not those who would regulate it.

[Dennis]

I agree, Leigh, about the power to self-define. So, we're neighbours are we? Keep the noise down please, I go to bed early.

Dennis

[Leigh]

Dennis

It isn't like Oregon is on the other side of the world now is it?

Leigh

[Sheila]

Leigh, I sometimes think that Oregon just popped out of the jungle someplace where civilization never had a foot hold.
I use Partner with people I know, but with people who are friends, she is still my wife. She calls me her partner all the time. I guess it wouldn't look too good for her to use husband anymore. She says that she is entitled to the name of wife and not me. I do get to have grandma sheila though.
Sheila

[Dennis]

For some reason I thought you were in California, Leigh. Nope, not at all on the other side of the world. I might even have been there once or twice.

Dennis

[stephanie_craxford]

To get back to the topic

I think that I will tell the person that I have a partner not a husband.

Steph

[LostInTime]

Congrats Stephanie!    I am glad to read that everything is going so well.