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My therapist told me to talk about me

Started by AnxietyDisord3r, August 28, 2016, 08:01:34 AM

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AnxietyDisord3r

My therapist got me on the topic of transgender and told me to stop talking about other people in general and talk about me ... but, come on, nobody wants to hear that.

Seriously, in real life, people shut me down if I talk about myself because I'm pretty boring. I don't really know how to describe my "identity" because it's in flux right now. I have a bit of a transgender backstory I can relate because I have scoured my past to try to understand this myself. Mostly I was focused on why I waited so long to transition--and I'm still angry about that--but other than that, I don't like to dwell on the past because it doesn't make me feel good.

Has anyone else heard this from their therapist? What does he want? He does come from a bit of a queer theory POV and I'm in the "it's a medical condition" camp. He's into DBT, if that helps. I don't know "who" I am, and there are a number of things in my life I'm not happy with, but I keep plugging away. Idk, I get annoyed when other people talk about themselves too much, I think I have an antipathy to it.

Maybe it's my autistic side coming out, but too much to do with identity just comes off as stupid/irrelevant to me. But I also deal with emotional numbness from an abusive childhood and sometimes have a hard time relating what I like and don't like. If asked to describe myself I would probably use negative language.

I guess I posted in this forum because I often see others posting about feeling lost and confused. I guess I do too. I had to cut my dose of anti-depressant in half and now I persistently feel like my body is a girl body. I'm anxious and lack confidence. I feel embarrassed asking people to gender me correctly. Maybe my therapist is right that if I knew who me was and valued me, I wouldn't have such difficulties. But I don't know where to start.
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becky.rw

You just did it.   What you just wrote is what the therapist is wanting you to talk about.    Don't worry about boring or anything else.    Once they know some more about you, they can prod you with questions to keep you talking, but they have to know where to start.
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Rachel

Hi,

Therapy to me is about dealing with what I am going through. In the past I was numb to myself as a way to deal with how much I hated myself. I was there for others but never there for myself. Being trans is a part of why I am there but navigating life in a healthy way dealing with my issues and not suppressing them is why I am there.

It took me a year to discuss the physical and sexual abuse that happened repetitively when I was very young. It took me about a year to tell my second therapist too. There was a lot to it, a lot of feelings. There is how I processed what was happening and how I survived. Fear was a major part of my childhood. Recently something happened and those dreams started happening again. I awoke Saturday morning with tears streaming down my face. I relived what happened in my dream. That type of abuse shapes how you feel about yourself, how hard it is to form relationships and trust others and how you see and feel about yourself. The feeling of dirty and never being able to get clean persists.

Therapy is what you make of it, I get a lot out of my sessions. It is a place I address my fears, hopes and dreams.


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KathyLauren

Therapy is ALL about you.  If you are not talking about yourself in therapy, you are avoiding the subject.  Your therapist does want to hear about you because that's what you are paying him or her to do.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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nameuser

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on August 28, 2016, 08:01:34 AM
Maybe my therapist is right that if I knew who me was and valued me, I wouldn't have such difficulties. But I don't know where to start.
I had no idea who "me" was until the last few months, just a pervasive sense that the me I was projecting was not the real me, or the right me (I decided that whoever me really was, it was the best thing in the world, I just couldn't seem to find it).

What I was able to figure out after accepting I was trans, was "this is the person I want to be." That was my starting point. Trying to figure out who I was by analysing my past and present actions never made anything clearer. I decided to act like the person I wanted to be, creating a sort of alter-ego and asking myself how they would react/behave/what they would say in whatever situation I was in.

Over the last few months I've realized that alter-ego is the person I've been all along. Buried by gender struggles, the effects of childhood trauma and the depression/anxiety that's finally almost a thing of the past. Disgustingly corny, but it's the truth.

My point: if you know the person you want to be - consider that that might be who you already are. You just haven't learnt to solidify yourself yet, to unleash your awesome me-ness on the world. I would also second KathyLauren.
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LizK

I was too busy taking on everyone elses guilt to want to talk about what I wanted...really for me...in the long term...Someone said earlier in the thread "if you are not talking about you in therapy then you are avoiding the subject" I love it...perfect. If Transition is not about you then who is it about?

Liz
Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016,
Fulltime from 8 March 2017,
GCS 4 December 2018
Voice Surgery 01 February 2019
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JoanneB

Quote from: nameuser on August 28, 2016, 07:19:01 PM
I had no idea who "me" was until the last few months, just a pervasive sense that the me I was projecting was not the real me, or the right me ...
+1

Talking about the "Me" seems hard, yet is easy. The "Me", the maybe is the real me, is all those things that keep you awake night, eat too much, drink too much, etc.. The "Me" is that scared little kid inside that wants help, but don't know how to ask for it. Or, even begin to describe what is wrong.

When I first took on the Trans-Beast for real 7 years ago I had absolutely no idea who "Me" was. All I knew for sure was what I was expected to be. The real me died around the age of 8 or so when along with no such thing as Santa Clause I knew there was no way I was going to somehow wake up in the morning as a girl. So the real me had become the what was expected me.

That me was totally dull, boring; or as it so happened, a lifeless, soulless 'Thing' that existed only to do what was expected. No hopes, no wishes, no dreams bar one given up on long ago. That 'Me' also had a ton of "other(?)" issues thanks to being trans that I wanted to fix. What was making my life miserable was more baggage then direct trans stuff.

Though it totally hard for this VERY private most times introverted person to even speak of touchy-feelie things like "feelings" I did my best to since I wanted to help fix myself and saw only one good way to do that. (The other had no "Do-Over" option)

To this day this dull, boring, has no life gal cannot believe the incredible amount of crap I am constantly juggling. Most times successfully, sometimes the world comes crashing down. I find myself many days I had that dull, boring, nothing happening life, I thought I had.

Talking about "Me" was difficult for me. I had no idea who/what me was. Still I ran with what I knew and that was the "What was expected" me feelings/thoughts/problems/etc.. As I grew as a person it became easier and harder to talk about "Me". The Me I knew soon became a hazy version of him. I began to see through the illusions I needed to build up over the years in order to survive.

A good DBT connection that counts is Mindfulness. Lord do I know all too well how hard it is to shut out the noise. The very same noise that prevents you from going anywhere near thinking "Who is Me?". The stuff late nights and hangovers are made of.

Seven years into this journey and I am barely scratching the surface of the "Real" me. A lot of the old me is still me. A lot of the old me still haunts me. Most days now I know who the real my is by sight. But I am not privy to who that real me is, her thoughts, her hopes, wishes, and dreams, as she is fumbling her way through adolescence.
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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AnxietyDisord3r

Thank you for your post, JoanneB. A lot to think about.

I know I'm supposed to be doing mindfulness exercises but sometimes I get afraid of quieting everything and listening to myself. Maybe what we call the ego doesn't want to lose control.
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AnxietyDisord3r

I think my old me is haunting me too.

Ever since I dropped my dose of psych meds (long story), this voice has been whispering that my body looks and feels too female/feminine and that my needs are too female/feminine. This voice must have been talking to me for years and getting me down with this toxic crap but I'm only noticing it because while I was on the higher dose of meds I was starting to accept myself as a man. Also, my body has changed a lot. Thought right now I am in negative mode and stressing about what seems to be taking forever (my wife has more arm hair than me).

The old me didn't want me to get any better. It was comfortable being stuck in a depressive rut.
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Asche

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on August 28, 2016, 08:01:34 AM
Seriously, in real life, people shut me down if I talk about myself because I'm pretty boring.
Maybe it's not being boring, it's that you're dealing (or not dealing) with some scary stuff they don't want to think about.  You are clearly saying you don't want to think about it.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on August 28, 2016, 08:01:34 AM
I don't like to dwell on the past because it doesn't make me feel good.
....
But I also deal with emotional numbness from an abusive childhood and sometimes have a hard time relating what I like and don't like. If asked to describe myself I would probably use negative language.

You may not want to "dwell on the past," but it sounds like the past is dwelling on you.

If the walls are cracking in your house and the doors won't open because the foundation of your house is broken and crumbling, you won't fix the walls and the doors until you look at the badly laid foundation and figure out how to fix it.  Yes, we know it seems more painful to go back and face up to the past, but you're in pain now, anyway.  If you face up to it and do the hard, painful work, you have a chance of not having it rule your life any more.
"...  I think I'm great just the way I am, and so are you." -- Jazz Jennings



CPTSD
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AnxietyDisord3r

Thanks, Asche, I think I needed to hear that.
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DawnOday

I am the personification of boring. Look it up in the dictionary. My face will be next to the definition.  Whenever I give anything besides a grunt my wife will tell me it's not about me.
Dawn Oday

It just feels right   :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss: :icon_kiss:

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First indication I was different- 1956 kindergarten
First crossdress - Asked mother to dress me in sisters costumes  Age 7
First revelation - 1982 to my present wife
First time telling the truth in therapy June 15, 2016
Start HRT Aug 2016
First public appearance 5/15/17



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JoanneB

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on August 29, 2016, 04:40:08 AM
I think my old me is haunting me too.

Ever since I dropped my dose of psych meds (long story), this voice has been whispering that my body looks and feels too female/feminine and that my needs are too female/feminine. This voice must have been talking to me for years and getting me down with this toxic crap but I'm only noticing it because while I was on the higher dose of meds I was starting to accept myself as a man. Also, my body has changed a lot. Thought right now I am in negative mode and stressing about what seems to be taking forever (my wife has more arm hair than me).

The old me didn't want me to get any better. It was comfortable being stuck in a depressive rut.
It was about 3 years ago that my life changed once again by getting a dream job back home in NJ and back with my wife. Then the total DREAD, the worse thing can and very likely will happen. I may slip back into the "Old Me" with my life situation back to how it was before I needed to take the trans beast on for real.

Most days it is not much of a struggle. Then there are the high stress, overloaded days when you tend to slip back into the ways that worked so well in the past. Often a good fight since you know it's there. Sometimes you don't and the dysphoria and depression just overwhelms me.

I know it's a REALLY bad day when I see the "Sad Old Man" looking back at me in the mirror  :(
.          (Pile Driver)  
                    |
                    |
                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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