Worried About the Sexual Nature

[Syuas]

So I've been kinda terrified this week thinking about my past life, and how I've gotten to my 9 month transition today... You see, my gender dysphoria was largely sexual. Not going to sugarcoat it. I would have urges so strong that I had to look up artwork, stories, animations, pictures, and stuff of men transforming into women, and that turned me on. God I was so disgusted. I would do the deed with it almost every night, and the orgasm would relieve my stress, and urges for a couple hours. I would then conclude it had to all be some weird, freak fetish, and that I could just hate myself for it, but not give it up, since the urges were too strong. People are frowned upon for getting turned on by that stuff (I don't mean stories of real people transitioning, but like user-created artwork of gender changes and stuff)

Well, anyway, I rarely do that anymore, 9 months on HRT, but I am constantly worried that maybe I am making the wrong decision exactly because of that? Like was it all just some weird fetish? Please tell me there is at least some sort of sexual correlation with gender dysphoria... Ugh, I feel like such a creep. I also tend to get a little turned on when I get to dress up (I am not out in public yet) which worries the heck out of me too. Hormones have made positive impacts. I am more productive, and the urges are obviously gone, but I can't deny that at times I do feel a little weird, and I am so worried it's because I'm just a guy with a freak TG fetish who mistakenly tried to change his gender. Ugh I am so scared. Someone please help.

Wow, I have been at this same spot for so long, I just now starting to wonder the same things you are. Anyway, gonna probably just bite the bullet and look into therapy and see what they say.

[sarah1972]

Same situation for me. For the longest time, I thought it is just a sexual kink (which increased over time resulting in quite a collection of thigh high heel boots). So I always blames the "sexual" part for cross dressing. Also the urge and time wasted on addressing these urges came in waves - the less stress / anxiety I had the less urges have been around. Shortly before I finally realized what is going on I noticed that my style changed. It did go from kinky to slutty to business attire and now to normal day-to-day clothing. I have noticed that the crazy sex drive is now depending on how much time per day I can spend in girl mode. In girl mode it is greatly reduced, I am more productive and for most parts a lot calmer. So all the "office attire" comes in pretty handy when working in my home office.

Having said that and reading some of the other responses: It seems to be just part of the process.

[ScarletRed]

I wasted 18 years hoping this was a fetish and praying it would go away because I am Christian and it is not acceptable. Until Kaitlin Jenner I didn't even know the was such a thing as GID or transgender.Now at age I'm almost 34 now and regret those wasted years but I have finally come to terms with who I am and will be starting HRT in two weeks. I think the thing that really made me realize this wasn't a fetish was how depressed I would get when I would see a pretty woman and I would desire to look like her to the point of jealousy. I don't know if my experience will help or not but that's my two cents.[emoji846]


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[SadieBlake]

Yes I experienced cross dressing as a fetish at first

Oh wow, I am starting to feel less alone. :') So it was a big kink for you pre-HRT? Cause it has definitely died down a lot, I will say that.

That makes a lot of sense, but I guess it worries me because 90% of my sexual feelings ever were based on gender transformation, and me changing. I rarely as a man going through puberty ever just thought of like conventional sex, or attractive women or any of that. I felt more like I wanted to BE the attractive woman. Girls were pretty and all that, but the idea of being one with them? So much more appealing. I wanted that for myself, and it would turn me on. :/

I would add that my initial motivation for SRS was desire to experience vaginal sex. I'd learned that I enjoyed being penetrated anally and could orgasm from that alone **iff the stars aligned exactly right**. Doing anal well involves so much work, active penetration (as compared to using a plug) requires enema and tons of lube, foreplay as well as a partner who really knows what they're doing and making all that happen is great and sometimes I just really rather be able to do a quickie or whatever.

So yes tho my sex drive is greatly reduced, I'm also 100% wanting to reclaim it in a female body.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Thank you, Dena. But would those feelings go away after going out in public? And the only reason I have not yet is because I can't. Though I also don't feel I pass. Haha I will not deny that eliminating testosterone has limited those sexy nights from every night, to about once every other week. You think the sexual urges would come back?

Well to me you look like Simmons from Agents of Shield, which is to say you pass just fine. I imagine you with a British accent too given the Dr Who thing, hope I'm not wrong!

[RedheadWhovian]

Recap:

No don't worry about it. Why?

You are not alone. There are many of us who started from the same place.

The positive effects of the changes you made are more suggestions to keep moving in that direction.

You pass. (I looked at some of your other posts-hope I don't seem like a stalker- I saw a before and after- you may not see it and I hope this does not bother you but your before looked androgynous already- you have moved more to a more female quality since then). If it is makeup, it is applied in a way many cis women would kill to be able to do.

With warmth,

Joanna

PS- He's still not ginger but I love your name as well.

Awww I don't mind at all. That means so much to me! Thank you! ^_^ <3 I don't think I pass as female or anything without makeup, but I feel like one day I can get there. Your words are inspiring.

I've been confused about my sexuality since as long as I can remember. I was a late bloomer into maleness and so I always felt comfort in wearing, in particular, my sisters clothes. This eventually added a sexual component to my life that I never experienced when most do before high school. I tried to hide my proclivities and thought I had succeeded when I married my first wife. After all she had an very active sex drive and I thought that would solve mine. But it didn't. We divorced after three years. I remarried five years later and my new wife and I, who now is my old wife of 31 years, had two children, again trying to prove my manliness. One of the most concerning problems was what if my latent sexual habits were found out and God forbid they take away my kids. I tried to hide while my kids grew up, but was really not very good at it. Sneaking in sessions of dressing up whenever I could. I continued and now I will be 65 next month. After I was forced to retire, I found I had lots of time on my hands. The more I resisted the stronger the urge, until I had had enough. Living a lie, becoming angrier, and angrier, I became more and more sullen until I just couldn't stand myself anymore. I more or less retreated to my room and sulked. Until one day I think I had a mental breakdown at my sisters house and as a result promised I would seek counseling. I finally addressed the 800 lb gorilla to my therapist, and by the third meeting began discussing HRT at her suggestion. I could not believe my ears. Some contacts were made, and the education began. Thanks to the very wonderful folks at Susan's I found what being true to yourself really is and how important it is to live life as you were meant to. Five month later I'm on my  17th day of estradiol. I have been on low dose Spiro for 25 years so my sex drive was pretty much gone by now and I no longer visit the Jacksons. But, now I get turned on so many other ways. My nipples are getting more and more sensitive. My testes are in the process of shrinking and have gone from walnut size to pecan size. Although I can't get an erection, the tip of my penis is incredibly sensitive and I want to experience sex as a woman. What you have experienced I imagine is not too different than many of us.

I'm so glad you were able to eventually find your answer, and get on the road to true happiness. ^_^ Thank you for reassuring me.

[RedheadWhovian]

Wow, I have been at this same spot for so long, I just now starting to wonder the same things you are. Anyway, gonna probably just bite the bullet and look into therapy and see what they say.

I hope you can figure it out as the ladies here have helped me to do so!

Same situation for me. For the longest time, I thought it is just a sexual kink (which increased over time resulting in quite a collection of thigh high heel boots). So I always blames the "sexual" part for cross dressing. Also the urge and time wasted on addressing these urges came in waves - the less stress / anxiety I had the less urges have been around. Shortly before I finally realized what is going on I noticed that my style changed. It did go from kinky to slutty to business attire and now to normal day-to-day clothing. I have noticed that the crazy sex drive is now depending on how much time per day I can spend in girl mode. In girl mode it is greatly reduced, I am more productive and for most parts a lot calmer. So all the "office attire" comes in pretty handy when working in my home office.

Having said that and reading some of the other responses: It seems to be just part of the process.

Oh gosh, what a relief!  I hope I can get there! I never really started at a slutty phase, so I suppose that is good. :/

I wasted 18 years hoping this was a fetish and praying it would go away because I am Christian and it is not acceptable. Until Kaitlin Jenner I didn't even know the was such a thing as GID or transgender.Now at age I'm almost 34 now and regret those wasted years but I have finally come to terms with who I am and will be starting HRT in two weeks. I think the thing that really made me realize this wasn't a fetish was how depressed I would get when I would see a pretty woman and I would desire to look like her to the point of jealousy. I don't know if my experience will help or not but that's my two cents.[emoji846]


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It definitely helped! ^_^ And oh my GOSH, I was the exact same way. "Can't keep having these thoughts or I will go to Hell. Gotta hide it, and ignore the fact that I'm a corrupt weirdo."

I would add that my initial motivation for SRS was desire to experience vaginal sex. I'd learned that I enjoyed being penetrated anally and could orgasm from that alone **iff the stars aligned exactly right**. Doing anal well involves so much work, active penetration (as compared to using a plug) requires enema and tons of lube, foreplay as well as a partner who really knows what they're doing and making all that happen is great and sometimes I just really rather be able to do a quickie or whatever.

So yes tho my sex drive is greatly reduced, I'm also 100% wanting to reclaim it in a female body.

Oho! I think I sympathize. That sounds nice to try. Hehe.

Well to me you look like Simmons from Agents of Shield, which is to say you pass just fine. I imagine you with a British accent too given the Dr Who thing, hope I'm not wrong!

I had to look her up, and she is super pretty!!! Oh my gosh, no way I look like that, but thank you! ^_^ And I am indeed a huge whovian (I'd love to look like Amy Pond) but sadly no british accent. :/ From Chicago. Haha

[Drexy/Drex]

Me too ......with the imagery
Same guilt feelings same fascination

[RobynD]

Oh, thank you, Robyn. I am glad you came to a comfortable position. But do you think the fact that my sex drive was so largely based on gender transformation and stuff like that that I should be worried? D:

I would not be worried at all as everyone says here. Sometimes we deal with the major stresses in life through our sexuality, so it makes perfect sense. You are a beautiful young lady and i'm sure you have an awesome romantic and sexual life ahead of you.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

So I asked a totally unbiased third party -- my wife -- if you look like Jemma Simmons and she said you definitely do. She also asked if you need a cuddle. 

[PrincessCrystal]

You know, I was thinking of making a topic about this, seeing as I've been a bit sex-crazy ever since I embraced the fact that I am not male and started shaving my legs and doing things to try and feminize my body...

Before I did that, I was maybe able to "do stuff" once every day or so, but now, I'm pretty much jumping on all of my boy/girl friends round the clock like "hey, wanna screw me?"  My thought is that what's been keeping my libido down all these years is a form of dysphoria, and feeling like I'm actually sexy on some level is making sex way more fun than when I used to go through the motions of pretending I was a pansexual cis-male. (well, aside from "being on the giving end" with a male)  Fortunately, all of my partners have been pretty on board with this: I was open with them about the non-male thing from the beginning, so it's not a complete shock that I've transitioned in the bedroom.  I'm just so much more comfortable about it all, and it's just so much more fun to be able to fully embrace it outside of my head.

TLDR: I think the sex thing is related to a lessening of unsexy dysphoria when you're doing effeminate things.

[melissa_h]

Wonderful thread, thank you    I thought about this a ton before starting on HRT 10 months ago, and am relieved to know that so many have had similar thoughts. I've had so many similar thoughts and feelings. I knew in my heart that I really did want to transition, but on some level, I think there was a worry or concern to discuss the sexual side (aside from the typical T related drive), as it might somehow disqualify the thoughts about transitioning.

Crossdressing felt necessary with dysphoria, but it also felt sexual.  The best way I can explain it is: 

If I had all day to be dressed, there was no sexual urgency about it, it just felt comfortable.  If I only had an hour or two ... it became sexual, likely as a way of heightening the experience and satisfaction of dressing, knowing it was only for a short while.

Since HRT ... that's subsided almost entirely.  I still have urges and whatnot, but its rarely tied to dressing. Dressing is just ... putting clothes on. 

[FreyasRedemption]

This has actually been quite the issue for me recently. My sex drive is ridiculously hyperactive (as is to be expected from an 18 year old) and I tend to get turned on by things I don't even see as sexual in nature, like changing into more feminine clothing. It has seriously been bothering me for a while. I'm glad to see that it's not just me.

[swatch]

Did you have dysphoria before sex ruined it all ?