Not a Rant, well.....maybe.

[m1anderson]

Okay ladies, I certainly am not here to rant or vent, but you all have been so amazing with your struggles and your help, obviously it is cathartic for me to post here once again.

Oh, it has been a long while, nearly two years and its that time again, my two year period.

Before I dive directly into the deep pool, please understand that I still regularly see a therapist, who is divine (more on her later), and the opportunity to begin HRT is forever on the table, even highly recommended, and the scripts have even been written and approved numerous times.

Here is the conundrum:

I NEED TO BE ALLOWED TO START MY FREAKING JOURNEY!

A little backstory. Two years ago I completed many serious months of very regular discussions with my therapist who is very active with the community and highly understanding, I am still with her. She recommended that I wait absolutely not a minute longer and begin my journey. Went to a great Dr., passed all the medicals, and was prescribed meds by injection as was ready to fly, except for one problem, the famiglia.

I am like too many over compensating for my needs by being the "alpha male", great provider, family guy, dad. The time, two years ago could not have been better. The boys out of college, starting and achieving in their lives, wife found busy jobs to keep her from being bored. She has a very nice life outside the home and without the kids, they live away, and a social life of her own because of it. But then, "Orange is the New Black".

We had a conversation about the TG woman on the show and her bigoted, self-centered, suburban, right-ish political spew about how un-natural, blah, blah, blah, that all the confusion of gender is BS came out. Boom!! Lock the closet.

I love her, and the family, but for the um-teenth time I realized I could never leave the lie I have created and lived in, these are my shackles to never be allowed to change.

I love the family and am ever proud of every thing that we have achieved, and been able to hide the dysphoria over, and over, and over. But like all of you, it comes back more real and significantly more painful every time. However, now that our lives have changed so much it feels like this, as good as any other time in our relationship, is an awesome time to move forward. It has been so painful.

Pain, so much pain. I have gained 40 pounds from 170 to 210 in the last year. ONE YEAR. Obviously I am eating to hide my hopes, we gotta feed something. At 6', for a guy it's ok, but for a lady, pffffft. Gonna need to lose THAT weight! Considering we don't, or haven't had relations for years, we are just great roommates..... The therapist knows I am in so much pain and recommends I begin HRT and tell the spouse, but I don't know if I am ready to deal with both the collapse of an amazing family and the emotions of a new journey all at the same time.

So, here is the question, (thank you for being patient):

Should I just get started on the HRT and Katy bar the door when changes begin (I am now 54 so it's gonna be hide-able for a while, probably a long while) Then I can say, "well here I am!!!

This is sooooo freaking crazy but on a daily basis my head is going to explode.

Love you all.

[KathyLauren]

It sounds to me like you really need to start on your HRT.  You have accomplished much, but now you need to be yourself.

The only question would be to tell her now or tell her later.  That is something only you can decide.  I know in my relationship telling her later would have been a death sentence for our marriage.  But only you know how it would work in your relationship.

[Dena]

I can't decide this for you but I have been looking at your posting history and I have a suggestion for you. Your employment put you in a position of power where you were paid to make decisions. Review your posting history and see what you wrote when you made a decision and the outcome. If you decide to delay HRT, you will be making another post much like the ones you have already made. An executive makes a decision and then live or dies by the decision they made. Time for you to decide to face your family or continue as you have. The feeling you have aren't going to fade and most likely will continue to get worst but the decision is yours.

[chris.deee]

I concur with Deena, however many of us struggle to apply our successful approaches from work to our personal lives.

I also looked at your history.  It looks like you've already come out somewhat to your wife in the past, so she's been sitting on this for well over a year. 

You also seem like you are pretty miserable suppressing this.

Unless you are willing to suppress this forever, it sounds like you should lovingly but firmly force the conversation and start working through the impact on the relationship. 


If your wife were sitting on something that made her equally miserable, what would you prefer she do? 

If the answer is you would want her to engage you even if it meant you might leave, then why wouldn't you give her the same opportunity to provide you the relief?

If the answer is you would want her to sit on it in silence, then what does that say about the marriage you want to have?

Either way, best of luck.  This is hard stuff - vastly harder than our professional lives. 

[chris.deee]

As for your specific question of staging, you were on for two months and knew it made you happy, so this isn't an experiment.  Once you go on, you know you don't want to come off (barring medical complications).

I don't see any benefit in starting before you inform her you need to do this.  If you want any chance of saving the marriage, your next step needs to give her the maximum comfort possible. Starting without telling her will blow a ton of trust. 

If you love her and you believe she loves you, act that way. 

[LizK]

The worst bit of it all is that we can reason things out to either argument, for or against but I don't think that there is ever a "right" time to start transition. I put off doing this at 19...again at 36, and finally at 52 I am on my way...I thought my timing sucked, but at the end of the day, it made no difference at all. The timing was always going to suck!

Liz

[RobynD]

Yes only you can make that decision, but to combat GD - HRT is the known successful way to do it.

A note on family: It's important and a refuge. It's a legacy that you leave for the future. It is a place where you can be yourself and be accepted (hopefully ). Family is imperfect though and sometimes they are flat out wrong. It is ok to love them when they are wrong, you should unconditionally but that does not change the fact that they are indeed wrong.

What your wife commented about OITNB is wrong. I'm not sure if she voiced such an opinion because she sensed something in you, that is a possibility. Should we try to help family change such viewpoints? Probably. Will they? That is unknown. Sometimes their wrongs hit very close to home, in this case they hit your very identity

I think your therapist may be right. It likely needs to be confronted, and you then you need to do what is right for your health and well being. Don't let anyone's wrong values or beliefs,  keep you from doing is right. 

[m1anderson]

As an executive, I found myself successful... I learned at an early age... to surround myself with really intelligent people and make my decisions based on invaluable input. This forum provides this; I am a work in progress. Thank you all for being so supportive.