So, hey. Im new to the forum. Mostly came here because i could really do with some advice and opinions from others that might currently be or have been in the same situation as me. Firstly some history.
So, i started fully transitioning around 4 years 5 months ago and i have spent most of my life feeling like i didn't really identify with the idea, thought or feeling of being male. The earliest i can remember feeling different is probably around 6 years old when i used to secretly wear the clothing of other female family members. As i got older and in to my teens i had the occasional feeling that i would like to be female but for the most part i honestly just thought i was a feminine male that liked to dress as a female. The further i got through my teens the more and more i started feeling like i wanted to transition from male to female until one day i opened up about it. At the time i didn't fully transition but i did dress feminine and somewhat explored my sense of gender in who i was. I began seeing a particularly awful gender therapist who was of the opinion that "You won't be take seriously unless you wear a skirt". Which to be honest i called BS on as i have never believed that makeup and a skirt makes you a woman. In the same way that i do not believe that rippling muscles and a care little attitude makes you a man.
I, at this point in my life, presented as a gay feminine cross dressing male. And to be honest, dysphoric feelings aside, i was happy for a little while. I felt more like myself and was also able to do it in a way that was semi accepted by society. But again over the years the feeling grew and grew. It was a few years later when i was around the age of 20 that i figured out that i wasn't just into guys i was into girls also and began dating a girl. She had a child from a previous relationship and after a period i took over the role as one of its parents. In truth, as much as i had gender dysphoric feelings, i actually had quite a lot of fun playing the role of dad to the child. I won't lie to you it was probably one of the best times in my life when i was raising that child. But i knew and i my partner knew that i eventually wanted to transition. So after about two years my partner turned round to me and said that i had a decision to make. Either to transition and not be with her, which meant loosing the child also. Or to not transition and stay together, which meant keeping the child. As you can probably guess i opted to not transition and bury my feelings and we stayed together for a further 3.5 years.
Then, a few months before my 26th birthday i had had enough. My partner was not the most faithful, not the nicest of people and generally acted like a b***h if I'm honest. She would go out of her way to try and turn people against me, cheat on me, had basically no respect for me or her son. I felt like i was the one that was raising him as a single parent. So i had a enough and broke up with her. I then went to my doctor and began seeing a gender therapist and a few months later decided to start transitioning and then roughly in April of the following year when i was 27 i started on HRT.
For the first year or two i was actually pretty happy. It was difficult don't get me wrong but i was able to be who i wanted to be and express what i wanted to express. But slowly, doubt started forming. In a lot of ways i felt ostracised from those who were once my friends who had decided to cut off from me. I felt that i was judged heavily and for the first time began to worry about what people out on the street might be thinking of me. I started also feeling that i may not be fully female and may in fact be bi gendered to some extent and this line of thinking got worse and worse and worse.
Then, about 24 months ago i discovered the term Genderfluid. Someone who fluidly moves around between male, female and other. Whether it is a switch every few days or ever few hours. It seemed to fit who i was as a person. I was going through stages of one second feeling female, the next more male, the next something in the middle and something else entirely.
So i started to explore this idea but even tho i felt a connection to this way of being i was still suffering from gender dysphoric feelings which in turn began to mess with my head even more. The annoying thing is that even tho i have days where i feel more male....i never actually feel fully male and i hate with a passion when anyone calls me he, him, brother, son or my original name. It brings up such anger and stress inside of me to hear those terms. The reason its annoying is that, in my mind i think "How can i feel more male at times yet hate being identified as fully male and hate male pronouns and names and anything that links me to the notion of being a man". I feel inside like i am very confused and its like i want 6 different things at once and yet i can decided on which one it is that will make me the most happy. So about a year ago just after my 30th birthday i decided to move back to my hometown and moved into a house that is owned by my grandmother who she rents to my father. My father has never been the most accepting sort and has never been what i would call a father. In truth i have had 31 years of hassle now from him and if i was to be totally honest and as much as you may dislike me saying this. I often wish him dead. He is not exactly all about the idea of who i am and refuses to call me anything else but he, him, son, birth name. Which as you can imagine, causes me a great distress and a feeling of being disrespected and increases my anger the more and more i am here. The even more annoying part is that i have no option really to move out. I am going back to college in september to study math and then the year after i want to do a second degree in computer game design. So its cheaper for me to be here than anywhere else right now and yet i hate it here. I can't move in with any other family member as the rent they want to charge is way too high for me to be able to afford it whilst studying. Living in this house is 40 a week but, il be honest i am getting close to just saying forget it and moving out. Being here makes me feel like i should be ashamed to be me, why do i have feel like i should be ashamed to be me. I literally hate this man with a passion. But I'm digressing a little.
My main problem at the moment is I keep switching back and forward, one second i love the fact that I'm HRT and i have breasts and i feel so feminine and other times i feel like the best way would be to become someone who is truly gender neutral and express whatever it is that i have inside of me at that given moment in time. Over time this idea of identifying with gender fluidity gained in strength alongside my feelings of wanting to be exclusively female. I feel in a sense like there is a battle going on inside of me where one second I'm this, the next I'm that, the next I'm this, the next I'm that. I feel so confused right now, depressed, anxious and wound up constantly. I feel like i am just existing from one day to the next. I find it hard to focus and i have pretty much lost interest in all of the things in the world that i used to do to make myself happy. Looking at it from the outside all the evidence screams that i am probably gender fluid but then if so why do i still have seriously strong dysphoric feelings that then clash with the gender fluidity side of me. Annoyingly since moving back here i have had to re register with the health services and am now having to go back through the hassle of getting another therapist. So i don't have one to talk to at the moment. I can't talk to any family members because the last time i tried they were all up in arms like "ohh you don't know what you want, we don't know what to do, what to call you" and it was more stress than its worth. I can't talk to any friends as in truth i have so few now that seem like they care. And the friends i do have seem to switch off whenever i want to talk about something that is affecting me and its like they have no clue what to say to me which is never helpful when your seeking advice. My head at the moment is destroyed. I feel worn out and like iv had enough of it all. In truth i full appreciate why transgender people do commit suicide. I am not saying that I'm going to do that by the way but i do fully appreciate the why of it. I just don't know what to do or even who i am anymore. So, iv come to this forum in the hopes that someone out there might be able to relate, give me some advice or help me make sense of all of this.
Sorry if that was a long one. As i said i have no one to talk to about this at the moment and have had this brewing round inside myself for quite some time now.
