de-transition for love? (Confused and scared .)

[PrincessPatience]

I don't know how to explain this but I got back from a business training trip and on this trip there was this guy that I was attracted too.  I liked him a lot he was funny and really social/outgoing (the total opposite of me) and I thought he was cute. but I payed it no mind because he was obviously gay and I wasn't. At my job I'm not full time and in guy mode. All my friend co-workers kept saying they think he likes me and that he kept flirting with me. To get the point after the 2nd day of training everyone went to the mall after while we were all waiting for our driver to pick us up. He kept saying I was so pretty naturally and didn't get why I wore makeup as a boy because he thought I didn't need it. Later that night we all went out to eat at the hotel restaurant. He was sitting across from me... And he kept looking at me but it was in a way that like he was trying to figure me out. He said he was gonna make come out of this shy thing and kept complimenting me the whole night. He wanted to touch my short curly hair and said it was so nice. He was trying to get to know me but I kept putting up my walls.. I wanted to be with him so bad that night but I knew he was gay and I wasn't. I didn't want to lead him on but that night I really wanted to be with him. My co workers were watching and kept giving me looks like "make a move. He's totally into you " .They didn't know I was trans till later that night I told them. So they understood why I didn't go further. The last day of training he told me I had a peaceful vibe to me. Later that day when he found out my group and  I were leaving he admittedly came to hug me. It felt like I could've stay in his arms forever and to the point where I didn't want to let go. Since that trip my heart is so confused and torn between cause I know if I was male we would've probably been together. Since then I haven't been taking my hormones or anything. I can't see myself staying a boy or living life as a guy but with him I would happily do it. He's all I think about and I keep picturing my life with him as gay couple. I feel mentally paralyzed. I don't know what the next move in my life will be. He totally messed me up mentally to the point where I don't who or what my identity is anymore. I've had crushes and people like me back but I never made anything of it or would cut it off. I've never dated anyone in my life but I never felt this way about a guy before. I've always been secure in my identity as a transwomen before and never wavered for anyone. But this is just different and It's scaring me. I can't get him out my head. I've been in my house since I got back. Can someone please help me.

[karenpayneoregon]

Hello,

A thought, if you are truly trans then eventually for many the trans side wins out, kind of like holding a beach ball under the water, eventually the beach ball wins, same with trans. Of course if you are not truly trans then that is different. I generally believe it takes at least three months to figure out of a relationship might work after making the decision to start one.

So with those ideas it may be premature to stop hormone therapy. And this comes from me being in this situation many times in my life.

In the end only you can make this decision to start a new path or stay the course.

Best wishes

[PrincessPatience]

Hello,

A thought, if you are truly trans then eventually for many the trans side wins out, kind of like holding a beach ball under the water, eventually the beach ball wins, same with trans. Of course if you are not truly trans then that is different. I generally believe it takes at least three months to figure out of a relationship might work after making the decision to start one.

So with those ideas it may be premature to stop hormone therapy. And this comes from me being in this situation many times in my life.

In the end only you can make this decision to start a new path or stay the course.

Best wishes

That analogy makes so much sense. I'm glad I'm not the only who has felt this before. It's just lately I've been feeling very masculine/boyish since then. More than ive ever have in my life. I feel like it's phase and later regret not transitioning. I haven't spoken to him since even tho he gave me his number. I just can't shake this "what if" feeling like I'd make a big mistake if I don't follow my feelings and go after him. I hate feeling like this. Thank you for this.

[JoanneB]

I'm so confused.... Did he say "I would be so into you if you weren't trans"?  Your coworkers are encouraging you. You say you wear makeup and he kindof complimented you. Somehow your coworkers knowing you "are not" gay still encouraged you. He kept on eyeing you up as if trying to figure you out. And I guess you don't think the rumor mill at work is rife with speculation about you? Him likely privy to what some of those rumors are. Yet.... 

[PrincessPatience]

I'm so confused.... Did he say "I would be so into you if you weren't trans"?  Your coworkers are encouraging you. You say you wear makeup and he kindof complimented you. Somehow your coworkers knowing you "are not" gay still encouraged you. He kept on eyeing you up as if trying to figure you out. And I guess you don't think the rumor mill at work is rife with speculation about you? Him likely privy to what some of those rumors are. Yet.... 

He didn't say that. The thing is we work for a makeup company and a lot of the guys wear makeup at work but he doesn't. He's very masculine in his apparel and just couldn't understand why I wore makeup. He said I had flawless skin. My friends/co-workers didn't know I was trans when he was flirting with me. They thought I was just gay and they couldn't understand why I wouldn't go for it. Since I liked him back. I didn't tell them till after hotel restaurant thing went down when he wasn't there and were all talking in the hotel room alone and I had came out to them. 

[Maria77]

It would seem like you are mutually attracted, but you don't know him all of that well and vice-versa.   Since he is gay and you are out, just ask him out or to chill at your place, and then tell him.   

[Rhonda Lynn]

Remember that attraction and identity are two entirely different things. If a person is truly trans, then their identity is the opposite gender than their birth gender.

A person who is trans can be attracted to people of the same gender, the opposite gender or to both.

The only advice that I can give is that it's never a good idea to change who you are for the sake of a lover. You need to be true to who you are. If someone loves you, then they will accept who you are.

Others have advised you to share what you are with him. I think that this is right. However, you might want to get to know him a little better before you bare your soul.

Hugs,
Rhonda

[Rachel_Christina]

I really dont think you should sacrifice your own happiness for something like "attraction", if he doesn't want to be with you the way you are, then he doesn't want to be with you.
And if you are really are a woman inside and you quit your tranaition and somehow everything works out for you two, well he still doesn't want to be with you, he just doesn't know it, and that is a sad waste of love for both of you.
If you talked to him and hung out maybe he would understand, and if he truly liked you and accepted you, still wanted to date you, now that is something that can potential become Love.
You must follow your heart, but you must not supress who you are, it always comes back in the end :/
Take your time and think long and hard first.
Good Luck Patience.

[aaajjj55]

You say that you're not gay but are attracted to him.  Could this new emotional feeling be a consequence of your HRT?  If so, then suspending HRT may be counter productive for you.

If you are truly attracted to this guy and can trust him, then I would be completely open and honest with him.  Obviously he may find the thought of your progressive transition a complete turn-off and things will cool; equally like you he may feel that his attraction to you is more powerful than his existing view of his sexuality and join you on your journey

There's only one way to find out......!

Amanda

[lostcharlie]

O.K. you say he's a gay man who's apparently attracted to effeminate men. Ask yourself do would you want to live the rest of your life pretending to be an effeminate gay man ? Be true to yourself .

[Lady Sarah]

Lets put it this way:

Before going on hormones, I was a bit scared of being trans. I thought "maybe I might be gay". It took just a couple weeks of hanging around with gay guys to know that I was not. In fact, some told me I'd make a beautiful woman.

If you decide to explore the homosexual option, you may well come to the same conclusion as I did. It can easily lead to increased dysphoria and depression as well.

[SadieBlake]

If you're mutually attracted then the main sticking points would be if he's incapable of enjoying sex or relationship with you after you transition (or just knowing you're female identified)  or if you and he mutually find you can't enjoy dating, romance, sex when and if you actually try.

If I were you I'd ask him to coffee, express attraction, or tell him it seems he's attracted to you and then if the two of you are indeed mutually interested tell him you're trans.

It doesn't have to be a big thing. I've had one or another form of sex with a dozen or so women all while expressing myself as female and being clear that ideally I would rather be female but am also able to work with my OEM equipment.

I have lots of friends who've wound up partnered with people who didn't match their primary orientation. So yes more or less by definition all functionally bisexual but some were quite surprised by that.

Sometimes you just wind up dating or loving someone for them and the naughty bits fall into place.

[Rhonda Lynn]

Lets put it this way:

Before going on hormones, I was a bit scared of being trans. I thought "maybe I might be gay". It took just a couple weeks of hanging around with gay guys to know that I was not. In fact, some told me I'd make a beautiful woman.

If you decide to explore the homosexual option, you may well come to the same conclusion as I did. It can easily lead to increased dysphoria and depression as well.

I had a very similar experience. Gay bars were a safe place for me to go when I was trying to figure things out. There was a gay man who was pretty interested in me and, well, it really didn't take that long for me to figure out for certain that wasn't what I was.

Just be true to your own self as others have said.

[Janes Groove]

Since you are trans and have only presented to him in male mode it's possible that he is only attracted to men.

I would suggest presenting in female mode as your true self to him in order to truly gauge his feelings towards you. If in fact you truly are trans. That's something that only you can figure out.

If he is turned off by it, then that will likely lead to a cooling off of your interest in him as well.  Nobody wants to be with someone who is turned off by them.

If you decide to quit transitioning and things go well with him and you two become an item you might consider telling him about your experiences with transitioning at some point.  It's not good to have secrets with someone you're serious about. Always worrying about "what if he ever finds out."  That just a recipe for creating more distance between you.