I'm At A Loss

[TX16]

It is like, the more research I do, the more I look into things, the more down I get. It feels like I am sitting in open maw that just goes on forever and ever and like there is never going to be an end of it. No light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. I know there is a light at the end, but it seems like it so far away. I am feeling so overwhelmed and I part of me just want's to stuff the male me back in the closet again, even though I only have half a foot out in the first place. I am just, it would be so much easier to just ignore it right? I ignored it for twelve years now, surely I could continue to ignore it.

I keep telling myself that there is no point in proceeding onward, that all it will do is ruin my life. I will lose my husband most likely, I will lose family and friends, I will lose my stability. Then of course there is that voice, that Trent voice, that pops in and says "but you aren't happy like this". And I am not. I am really really not, but I am so scared of all the changes, of all the work, of all the years and time it is going to take.

I am an impatient person, and I want things to be done quickly, and there is just no way for that. I am having trouble figuring out when to go and see a therapist, because I have to do so without my husband knowing. I don't know when the right time is going to strike that I can tell him. I don't know when I will ever finally be on T. I don't have the funds for top surgery and probably never will unless I am able to get a job and hope that my bills don't eat it all away. Of course getting a job pre transition is difficult for me. I live in the south, I am scared to death to start a job and then start transitioning with that job and get fired, or worse. I don't want to do that. Top surgery seems to far away. I know there are several funds out there that will help trans people, and I will be putting my name forward for those, but what if I don't get it? What if I come out of this closet, start to transition and never pass because my breast are too large? Binding isn't going to do much for me. I am a DD, binding will only do me so much. I feel like I am never going to be able to be out because of that. Living where I live, if I can't pass, then I am putting myself in danger.

I am so scared. I am depressed and upset and it just keeps going and going. I had some good days, and now I am just right back to feeling like this is never going to end. I am never going to be happy again.

[KathyLauren]

I understand exactly how scary it can be.  I was in the same position just a few months ago.  I was sure that moving forward would end my marriage and wreck my life.  I knew I couldn't see a therapist without coming out first, because doing so would surely have ended my marriage.  For several months, I was debating whether to just suck it up and live with the dysphoria.

I could have lived with the dysphoria if that was all there was.  But, having discovered who I was, I would have regretted for the rest of my life never having had the chance to meet her.  And I knew I couldn't live with that regret.  I knew I would just have to risk the marriage.

There is no good time to come out either to a therapist or to a spouse.  Every time my wife and I walked the dog (a good talking time for us), I was thinking, "I've got to do this!" over and over again.  But it was months before I was able to actually do it.  When I did, my wife surprised me by being totally accepting.  All that worrying for nothing.

I understand that you are feeling extra stress of feeling that you cannot pass without surgery, and that that could impact your safety.  Even if you have to delay the public aspect of your transition, getting started with coming out and starting therapy could significantly reduce your stress.

That's just my viewpoint, but maybe it is something to weigh against the stuck-ness you are feeling.

[TX16]

Thank you KathyLauren,

I appreciate you talking to me. I know there is definitely not a good time to tell my husband. I blurted it all out in the car in July. He didn't take it well, so I took it all back. Things are still a bit tense, even with me telling him that I was wrong, thus putting myself back in the closet. He is in college right now, doing a theoretical physics and computer science degree. I don't want to add stress to his already stressful load, so I am just staying quiet about it.

I have plans of starting therapy as soon as my replacement insurance card gets here. I don't know if I will tell my husband first or not.

I applied for a top surgery medical scholarship. No idea if I will get it. My dysphoria is only getting worse around my chest with each passing day. It just feels like so much. I hate this.

[FTMax]

Trent,

Transition can be overwhelming when you try to look at it all at once or when you focus on the end game before you've really started. Personally, I don't think it's possible to 100% ignore these feelings. I held off on transitioning for years because I wasn't sure how my family would react and I had no resources to make it happen. But it was still in the back of my mind the entire time. There was never a day where I didn't feel like I was lying about who I was, and absolutely miserable. It had a negative impact on my self image, my development, and my relationships. Ultimately it came down to transition or "else". I don't know that I would've killed myself, but mentally that is about where I was when I finally decided to go ahead with it.

My advice is twofold. First, spend some time thinking about the big picture. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you see yourself? If money were not an issue, what would you want to accomplish between now and then? It doesn't all have to happen on the same timeline, but answering those questions and others like it will help you mentally figure out the logical progression from point A to point Z.

Second piece - break everything down into manageable steps. You will drive yourself crazy if you're thinking 5 steps ahead but you're getting no traction at step one. By laying it all out and saying "The first thing I need to do is find and contact a therapist", you have an actionable item that you can measure the success or failure of.

As far as your first few steps, I would say find a therapist and have a few sessions. Let them know that you tried to tell your husband once already and that it did not go well. They may be able to advise you on other things to try, or they may be open to having a session with both of you there. It is something that you'll probably have to handle early on though. Unlike estrogen, T is not something you can easily hide the effects of for even a short period of time. And top surgery is fairly obvious as well. It doesn't sound like you're confused about your identity at all, so I would see if during therapy you can focus on how to sort out your relationships if possible, and also how to build up your confidence and self worth if you do find yourself lacking support.

Also - depending on what your insurance copay is for mental health services, there may be online options that you could consider. My copay for mental health stuff was $45 and the in network options were not very close to home. I found an online therapist who specialized in gender and did chat sessions with him for $50/session. It was well worth the extra $5, and it would have been much easier to hide if I was in a situation like yours.

Don't get disheartened. I grew up exceptionally poor, had no hope of ever being able to transition due to constantly struggling with finances, and will still be 100% medically transitioned in less than 3 years. It's all about breaking the process into manageable pieces and dealing with what you can, when you can. I live in the south as well. People are more compassionate (or at least, willing to overlook things) than you might think from reading the news. They may not understand, but I've never been so much as hassled even in the early days where I was more androgynous and didn't pass.

[TX16]

FTMax,

Thank you. So much! I have definitely been looking at the big picture as a whole, instead of trying to break it down. I've always had that issue, and now it is an issue that I really need to remedy. Small steps have to be taken, nothing can be done overnight.

I have found a therapist and hope to be seeing them next month. It is my first real step, other than these forums and my blog. I am incredibly nervous about the therapist, but I will get there. I am really hoping that just being able to do that, will help me out some. It is progress, and I need to view it that way.

It doesn't sound like you're confused about your identity at all.

I point this out specifically so I can tell you thank you. That made my day. All I've been dealing with from my husband, when I told him, is doubt and not believing me. Then my mother, who does know, doesn't seem to want to believe me. She can't understand it, and so she doesn't believe it. It is nice to hear someone say this. Thank you.

I wish I could do on-line sessions, they would be so much more helpful. I have crazy social anxiety, so actually going to the therapist will be difficult. The few on-line I have looked at, don't take my insurance and I can't afford out of pocket, especially not without my husband knowing.

Again, thank you. I've surprised myself with how resilient I am where this is concerned. I always take the path of least resistance. It has been that way my whole life, and when I started feeling like I should give up on this idea yesterday, today I showed myself how strong I am. I am not going to give up on this. I can't say I won't have more depression spikes that make me want to, but I know I am not going to. The community here really helps me as well!