I need help

[TX16]

Trigger Warnings: suicide contemplation mentions, self hatred, depression

I told myself I wasn't going to make this post, but here I am anyway. Today has been a horrible day for me. Just about twenty minutes ago I almost became unconscious from hyperventilating due to a panic attack. I looked forward to Monday all weekend, and now that it is here, and going quickly, I've had the worst time ever.

To the point where I have mostly spent my entire day crying. I didn't work out, and I feel bad about that. I barely ate lunch, had to force myself to eat anything. I didn't drink water at 12 like I was supposed to. I feel like I am wallowing in self pity and I hate it. I don't like feeling this way, and I typically try and ignore when I am depressed, because I hate feeding into it. I couldn't ignore it today though.

It all started with my therapist issues today. (I called the other therapist and have an appointment for the 4th of October) Then it spiraled from there. Spiraled into loathing, and fears, and just everything.

I am more depressed now than I was before I realized I was trans. I just want to go back to before I knew. I was depressed then, but it wasn't like this. I contemplated suicide for the first time in a very long time, but quickly talked myself out of that because of my kids. I could never leave them. Not ever. I couldn't put them through the loss of their parent.

I screamed and yelled, I cried. I went on a rant to my dog, about how much I hate myself, hate being trans, wish I could make it go away. Then blamed myself for pushing it away and ignoring it back when I was 18 and had spent two years questioning it all. Told myself I wouldn't be where I am today if I had just gone ahead with it then. I wouldn't have gotten married to my husband, which means he wouldn't have to deal with the pain of losing me, because I know he won't stay with me. I never would have had my kids, who I know are going to hurt from this, one way or another. I am mostly worried about others treating them badly because of me. Told myself that I probably would have gone on and gotten a job, would have been able to provide for myself and not be where I am today. I wouldn't be in this hole, clawing my way out, but never really getting anywhere near the top.

It boils down to my husband's pain, my fears of losing him, my mother's attitude, and then my situation. No money of my own. No independence. I pulled myself out of it. Put in three job applications. Was still depressed. Mother called. She made it a million times worse.

I know she isn't meaning to be so cruel. She doesn't understand, she is worried about what I am going through and what I am going go through. She just doesn't get it! At all. She seems to think I can just stop feeling this way. Like I can just go on with my life like normal. Told me she had watched documentaries and read stories recently about trans people losing their children over them coming out. To which I told her my kids are too young for that, and she said it could happen when they get older. "Are you really willing to lose one or both of your kids for this?"

I can't do this. I feel so lost. I don't think I am strong enough for this. I just want it all to go away. I am sorry this is so down, but I don't know where else to turn. I wrote in my blog, it didn't help. I talked to someone one on one on an online chat service about it, but couldn't stay long because I had to get my kids. I am just hurting so much. I want it to stop.

[Dena]

Unfortunately there is no way to undo it or put it back in the bottle. At this point you have to move forward and do one little thing at a time. The first thing will be getting to the therapist appointment. If you husband should discover it and object, tell him it's this or the emergency room because you can no longer deal with this. The therapist will help you discover what you need and help you plan out your next step. If you look at everything you need to do, it will appear an impossible task but one little thing at a time is doable.

You are strong enough to do what you need. Many of use have had to deal with the same feeling that you are having now but we found a way to move forward. My moment like your was when I finally found my therapy group after 5 years of searching for a solution. The shock so messed me up that for about 3 weeks I was surviving on 2 hours of sleep a night and I was pretty useless at work. I survived it and went on to complete my transition. You will to but find something to distract yourself. It might be playing with the kids, reading a book, doing house work or watching something on TV. Help is on the way and you will make it.

[Cindy]

Dear Trent,
thank you for having the strength to post your feelings, the took real hard nosed inner strength and is something to be proud of and not something to regret.

I know, many of us know the hell we go to, and that no one, our loved ones, our partners, our children our parents - even our therapists will never understand the depth of what we deal with.

How to deal with it? I can only say how I coped and maybe there is a glimmer there for you. I turned my self loathing and hatred internally and used it as strength, I made it a matter of self pride 'I can deal with this, I am the hardest person there is, nothing will break me, I am me and nothing and no one will stop me. My snivelling self doubt can go back to its box and stay there. I am me and I walk my path'

OK maybe not a mantra everyone can live with and I can tell you that there were many times I crawled but my fierce determination got stronger all the time because I would never allow doubt to win.

I also reached out to people here, the only people who understood me.

I'm with you, I hope it helps a little.

[FTMax]

Don't feel bad about posting this. I think we've all had one of these dark moments where it's either swim or drown.

I'm not going to tell you that you aren't in a difficult spot, but I will tell you that it is manageable. Like Dena said, breaking things down into small pieces is what will get you through this. It is overwhelming to look at your entire life and to consider how much will change due to transitioning. It's even more overwhelming when you add in all the individual moving parts that are involved in transition.

What I would do is sit down and make yourself two timelines. They don't have to actually have any kind of time written on them, it's just a roadmap to get you from A to B. One should be for your transition (ie. if I were making one it would've looked like Therapy -> HRT -> Top Surgery -> Hysterectomy -> Phalloplasty Pt. 1 -> Phalloplasty Pt. 2 -> Phalloplasty Pt. 3; yours is whatever you think your transition will look like right now). Then make one for the rest of your life. It could be Apply to College -> Apply for Financial Aid -> Get a Phone -> Write a Resume -> Apply for Jobs, etc. Then you figure out how to fit them both together.

The big picture is always going to be unwieldy, overwhelming, and larger than life. But you can manage the steps by themselves, especially when you know what you want to do next and see that this small thing in front of you today is just a step along the way.

I will tell you, there is unfortunately no way to make this go away. I knew I was trans at 17 and many of the same circumstances affecting you now affected me then. I had no significant amount of money, health insurance at the time didn't cover transition related expenses, and I was positive that my parents would kick me out and disown me if I were to come out. It took me another 8 years to get to a point where I was doing well for myself financially, I had health insurance, and I could no longer mentally and emotionally afford to put other people's happiness first.

And as soon as I started to move forward, things got better. My anxiety was less. My depression lightened. Sure, there were roadblocks and moments where my transition felt stalled or I was stuck by circumstances outside of my control. But the difference between now and then was that I was me, inside and outside, and I can't begin to tell you what that did for my resolve.

I do hope that things get better for you. We are all here to talk if you need us. We also have a great chat room if you would like to talk to folks in real time.

[TX16]

Thank you everyone. Talking here is such a big help. I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling a lot better. I think my biggest fear right now, is that I am going to feel that way again, but that it might be worse next time. I was so sure that I was going to send my coming out letter to my husband yesterday, but I didn't. I still kind of feel like I should, but I am worried. There is still that fear that he is going to leave, and I don't have a back up plan. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to deal with, and I just want to be out so badly.

[Kylo]

It gets worse before it gets better in terms of realization. You still have get to the point where you realize this was how you were since day one, and you were always going to have a tougher life than the average cis person in this respect. It's simply our lot, as trans people, that we don't get it easy. That fact makes you angry, it makes you sad, it makes you feel like you don't have the strength to get through it, but in the end there's only one way forward.

Your mother - if you're not up to talking to her, then don't. You don't have to. For years I thought I had to listen to my mom's nonsense which always made her feel better and me feel lousy, and I realized she will never understand me and thinks I'm some kind of character now who is clearly a figment of her alcohol-fueled imagination. If your mother's calling you just to rustle your jimmies about transition, you don't have to speak to her about the topic. Keep it on the down-low if it helps. She might well have legitimate fears but finding a bunch of negative stories about trans people losing their kids does not mean you'll lose yours. Nor does it mean parents have any real control how their kids will think or act once they're grown up anyway. It'll certainly not be your "fault" or that you willingly threw away your chance to be with your kids because you chose to be who you really are. You can't be responsible for how other people choose to react.

It sounds to me like you are jumping in at the deep end when you have a long time to negotiate this road. It will take a while so there's no need to overwhelm yourself with feelings about it just yet. I would concentrate on sorting out your own feelings about who you are and what you want first before you even begin telling your plans to other people. It's not wise to assume people who you think might help actually will, and vice versa - some people might surprise you. Didn't you say you wanted to wait before telling your husband all the details? It might well put you in a bad position before you're ready to stand alone if you do.

[SailorMars1994]

I'm so sorry dude this hits me kinda hard too