Not sure on continuing HRT after 5 months

[lori25]

TL;DR
I feel that if I want a normal sexual life with my partner, and biological children as a bonus, I'll have to give up HRT.  I can and will still dress as a woman regardless, but it doesn't feel like it will be the same.  I can see myself giving up and just walking through life in drudgery as a male again and likely regretting the switching off of my female hormone levels.  At this point I feel like no matter what I'm going to regret something.  What good is being yourself and happy if you can't possibly share that with someone?  I'm not super young either, so it really narrows down finding a great person that isn't already married.  I don't want to experience pain when trying to be intimate with someone, and I'm not even sure if it's a guarantee that I can keep the pain away by regularly being active in that department.  I could really use some guidance/information and those of you who are in my situation of staying pre op.  I can read about this stuff all day, but hearing it from someone with experience. seems to help so much more.
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After about 3-4 months in, I've been having doubts about the final product of the physical aspects of my body.  I'll always be and always have been a transgender woman, but it is difficult to let go of some of my male anatomy and functionality.  I have told my mom how it's not a simple matter of "detransitioning" or not, as how I put it to her: I was once a blank slate with nothing written on it.  As I find out more about myself, more things are written on this slate.  There's really no such thing as wiping the slate clean again or hitting the rewind button, and I can never go back to living in my male costume as if none of this came to be reality.  Even if I were to be able to time travel back years from now, I'd still have this part of myself that was lying dormant; it is bound to emerge as truth and nothing can stop that.  Just to be clear, I am a female and I want to be recognized as such within society. Worst-case scenario, going back to the male life voice and all, I'd still want to be recognized as a female and keep the F on my driver's licence.

I feel a little bit betrayed by my doctor and myself.  I thought I've done my homework, but I completely overlooked fertility related issues and sexual functionality of my gentiles.  I'm usually overly prepared for even the smallest of events, but what threw me off was that while I was living as male I didn't really value or care much about anything sexual as much as most people seem to.  I thought the option of having children or the possibility of being alone was not a priority.  It turns out either I've changed my mind, or I was dead wrong about both of those things.  I think what has happened was not feeling like a true human being while living as as male, naturally sex was not much of an appeal for me beyond just a stress reliever; if you're dead inside, how could you really enjoy sex in all it has to offer?  Now that I'm "alive" inside, I want to have a shot at being sexually active and relationships in general, and it's a pity I couldn't take the complete male part of that with me while still being on HRT.

At first I thought my doctor gave a very thorough packet covering all of the information and permanent changes of HRT.   Sexual dysfunction was only explained to me as "you may have less semen production and will become sterile", or something along those lines.  Nothing was mentioned in detail of painful erections and how I would need to basically force stimulation on myself on a normal basis to keep things as close to normal as my genitalia was before.  Basically, "use it or lose it" is what I'm now finally learning.  After about 3 months, I wanted to see how much semen there would be compared to before.  There wasn't a lot which didn't surprise me, but the shocking part was that it was severely painful.  This put me into a psychological panic, and I almost immediately wanted to run back to how things were.  I think I tried to bury that reality for a while, or I convinced myself that I'd just put in too much intensity after not have done anything like this for a long while or maybe it's just very sensitive for now, much like my breasts.  I wasn't thoroughly educated on this, but perhaps this is something I just needed to learn and realize the hard way.

It's basically came down to the matter of do I want my old penis along with its involuntary functions and well being, or do I want to continue on with my penis being very fragile and needing unnaturally forceful "maintenance" to keep it alive if I ever want to have a sexual life.  I am pansexual, however I think I'd be more comfortable with a female and I'd likely want a woman as a long term relationship/marriage.  I do realize that some transgender women stay pre opp and seem to be able to function just fine without sacrificing complete function of the gentiles.  I'm still  probably going to stick with HRT, despite finding a new stressful challenge (one of few cons of HRT for me personally).  I still desire keeping my smooth and almost hairless skin, my new shape and especially breast growth, and just about everything regarding feminine anatomy makes me feel at peace.  Sometimes I almost feel like I'm choosing vanity and my outer shell as the wrong priority, but somehow these things just make me beyond happy and relaxed out in public.  I actually feel awkward and out of place in the universe when dressed and behaving as a male, and life just seems so dishonestly dull.  I just want to do what is right for me.  Another fear is being rejected by a lot of women, as compared to an everyday functioning cis male.  I understand that people should love me for who I am, but for them to compromise their sexual desires is asking a lot and to me isn't practical if you want to stay in a relationship with them.  Not every woman is going to want to be someone that may be dressing like a passing female one day, then male or androgynous the next.  I felt it was difficult finding a decent woman before, and now it's come to finding a needle in a hay stack if I continue with HRT.

[Dena]

This is where a gender therapist would come in handy and this isn't the first time I have seen something like this. The blocker drugs give you a view of post surgical life, something I didn't have. The drugs reduced your dysphoria to the point that other things in life became more important. I suspect if you were to discontinue HRT the balance would change again and what you prize now would take a back seat to returning to HRT. I don't know what the answer would be for you  because you could allow your T levels to rise some and regain the function you desire. It would give you the third option but would you be comfortable with that? I feel you need to talk this out in therapy were your issues could be examined in much more detail.

[jentay1367]

post removed

[lori25]

This is where a gender therapist would come in handy and this isn't the first time I have seen something like this. The blocker drugs give you a view of post surgical life, something I didn't have. The drugs reduced your dysphoria to the point that other things in life became more important. I suspect if you were to discontinue HRT the balance would change again and what you prize now would take a back seat to returning to HRT. I don't know what the answer would be for you  because you could allow your T levels to rise some and regain the function you desire. It would give you the third option but would you be comfortable with that? I feel you need to talk this out in therapy were your issues could be examined in much more detail.

I'm a bit confused on your wording in bold.  Could you please explain that to me differently?

I've never really thought of having my T levels a bit higher, and having my own custom level of testosterone and estrogen, if that's what you mean.  I've briefly read about low dose HRT and somehow that option has never crossed my mind until reading your post.  I'll definitely be trying to learn more about that and as an option.  I'd be able to ask my doctor about that, and I have no clue what the long term would be like as compared to normal female hormone levels that's progressed for years.  Maybe the worst part of low dose would be that I won't get to look forward to the full potential of physical changes.  At my current state, I am satisfied with everything and the only exception would be the absence of sexual dysfunction/fertility isues.

My doctor is a bit young and brand new.  He's primarily a D.O. but also has studied/specializes in LGBT health. He seems more educated and trustworthy than my endo, and I had to drive 1.5 hours for the nearest endo. There isn't much of a gender therapist in this area.  I loved my last therapist whose only had about a dozen transgender patients, and 45 min sessions didn't seem to be enough.  On top of that, it was expensive and my insurance doesn't work with her.  I also feel like I'm on my own to decide this, as talking about it would mostly be an escape.  I really wish I could talk to someone with a large level of experience to save me a lot of time and confusion trying to research on my own, which is mostly what I've had to do since day one.

[Dena]

If your T levels rise sufficiently, the dysphoria that drove you to start HRT will return and you will be at the same decision point you were mentally that you were before you started HRT. For most people they see it as their only option is to start HRT. Granted this time you will be more knowledgable but think back before you started HRT. Had you known this, would you have started HRT to escape the dysphoria?

I have seen posts on the site from people who have started HRT, felt cured, quit  HRT and had the dysphoria return. They have repeated this cycle several times because they can't believe that a few pill can change their life so much.

Depending on the level you are at, you may or may not have the estrogen blocking. I transitioned without blocker (because they weren't available yet) and I had feminine development and unfortunately sufficient testosterone to be fully functional. The blockers aren't critical to the tradition but they make it more realistic and somewhat more effective. You wouldn't be the first on the site to cut back on the blockers in order to retain sexual function.

[SadieBlake]

If you're certain you want sperm production then I'd have to say get a sperm count now and consider stopping or reducing HRT soon as I think the changes to testicle function eventually become permanent.

Unfortunately this element of biology seems to be pretty solidly binary. Having had a vasectomy 20 years ago, that point is moot for me. I've also been able to somewhat keep my sexual relationship working on HRT and what you say about painful ejaculation is news to me -- I've been keeping mine active about weekly and yes I sometimes have to force myself to get started.

Fortunately adding progesterone to my hrt seems to have restored my libido sufficiently that I no longer have any doubts about staying on HRT and my one experiment with stopping HRT was far more painful than I'd have imagined possible.

If you're pansexual, don't write off the possibilities of women who are fully equipped to love someone who's trans. 18 years into a one night stand gone horribly wrong my partner who has only ever known me as trans seems to have accepted that I may need to proceed with GCS.

20 years of being a girl part time has effected real if gradual change on my brain and I genuinely felt feminine, had dropped many of my male manners before I ever started HRT. That said, I don't foresee passing soon or possibly ever. My decision not to medically transition 15 years ago was, as you relate ultimately determined by vanity. Accepting that I could be 'shallow' in an important decision carried some shame and also the realization that cis females are rarely content with their looks.

My gf and I attend a pansexual orgy once a year, I always am in drag and I love that people sometimes stop their sex play to watch us. This year's event will be on HRT as a first and I look forward to being mostly nekkid among old friends. Next year I hope to be post-op and I'm excited at the prospect of being able to disrobe without that appendage. I know for sure the other women there are going to be excited also.

[lori25]

I've been more interested in the idea of sex recently, and now when I see someone that is physically attractive to me I feel like pursuing that again.  In the beginning, those feelings weren't there, and possibly because I was so focused on transitioning.  In the beginning I was on such a high, I didn't feel that I needed anyone ever.

Most transgender women are freaked out by their gentiles, but I've actually liked mine just fine.  The only exception is when I had an insatiable lust, but that would be like shooting the messenger.  I was more bothered and obsessed over body hair and bone structure, or things more associated with passing in public.

If you're certain you want sperm production then I'd have to say get a sperm count now and consider stopping or reducing HRT soon as I think the changes to testicle function eventually become permanent.

Unfortunately this element of biology seems to be pretty solidly binary. Having had a vasectomy 20 years ago, that point is moot for me. I've also been able to somewhat keep my sexual relationship working on HRT and what you say about painful ejaculation is news to me -- I've been keeping mine active about weekly and yes I sometimes have to force myself to get started.

Fortunately adding progesterone to my hrt seems to have restored my libido sufficiently that I no longer have any doubts about staying on HRT and my one experiment with stopping HRT was far more painful than I'd have imagined possible.

If you're pansexual, don't write off the possibilities of women who are fully equipped to love someone who's trans. 18 years into a one night stand gone horribly wrong my partner who has only ever known me as trans seems to have accepted that I may need to proceed with GCS.

20 years of being a girl part time has effected real if gradual change on my brain and I genuinely felt feminine, had dropped many of my male manners before I ever started HRT. That said, I don't foresee passing soon or possibly ever. My decision not to medically transition 15 years ago was, as you relate ultimately determined by vanity. Accepting that I could be 'shallow' in an important decision carried some shame and also the realization that cis females are rarely content with their looks.

My gf and I attend a pansexual orgy once a year, I always am in drag and I love that people sometimes stop their sex play to watch us. This year's event will be on HRT as a first and I look forward to being mostly nekkid among old friends. Next year I hope to be post-op and I'm excited at the prospect of being able to disrobe without that appendage. I know for sure the other women there are going to be excited also.

I guess the problem is that I'll likely never be certain of anything.  I can make decisions, but there are always haunting repercussions because my wants and needs seem to always change.  Sometimes I am like a lost child, in that I just freeze up during the most trivial of decisions like if I want the blue one or the purple one.  I was even given the advice to not pursue transitioning simply because I'm the type that can't make up my mind.  I'm going to look into the possibly of having dissociative identity disorder, as a lot of that I can relate to.  God help me if this can get any more complicated as it is now.  I still feel like a complete baby human.

I was very hopeful in meeting a female, but I feel like the odds are against me.  I realize that there are likely both cis and trans women that would want to be with me.  If I end up with a partner other than a cis woman, then obviously there goes the possibility to have biological children naturally.  The possibility of being alone or a partner that isn't a cis woman is one reason why fertility isn't a top priority any longer.  Reading your lovely story helps in giving me hope for finding someone    It's difficult living in a world where it feels like I'm the only one within a thousand mile radius that accepts and loves people from the inside out.  I just have to put myself out there and really make an effort to be more social.