Rickkie's coming out - slowly

[rickkie]

I'm Rickkie,
I am feeling pretty new to all this. I am AMAB, 46 and married with kids. I have had a burried down dysphoria for so long but it has finally emerged.
I am finally able to own the fact that I am a woman.
It's been a tomultuous year or so questioning and trying to get my head around all this gender stuff.
But what I know for sure and for truth is that I am a woman.
I have come out to my partner and whilst that is a huge thing for her, she is a wonderful supportive accepting woman and is doing her very best to love me and care for me and understand.
I am yet to talk with my daughters. That's a pretty scary idea.

I have just started to wear some womens panties, paint my nails.

I feel like there is so much to do so far to go.

The moment I put on a pair of womens underwear was a moment of rightness. A moment that I can't really describe but it to quote meatloaf "it felt so good and it felt so right"

So now for me is the task of moving forward, to begin the transition for real.

I am seeing a psychologist and hope that will allow me to move forward and get to the hormone therapy thing.

I feel like after 46 years living as a man when I am not one that I don't want to waste anymore time pretending.

[V M]

Hi Rikkie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I suspect you don't have much to worry about and you will be able to move forward in medical treatment. Most countries are reasonable up to date in this field and have few reasons to reject HRT treatment. Actually one of the ways to know if you are transgender is if you enjoy the effects of HRT. If a person isn't transgender, they would  be disturbed by the changes.

In your case, you tell a story that thousands of others have repeated on this site and I believe you are transgender. Where you end up will be for you to determine but enjoy the ride.

[rickkie]

Thank you so much for the welcome and the information.

It looks like there is a plethora of help and assistance here.

[Tristan]

Trying to get your head around things is always a pain but once you do it'll be good
congrats in getting the acceptance and moving forward.

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Rickkie. Thank you for your wonderful post.

[DawnOday]

I'm a little older than you but in a very similar situation. Wife and kids have been good about it. But until 6 months ago I understood little. Thanks to this site and therapy I have discovered my true identity. I've known I was different since a very early age. I used to use watercolor pencils as makeup. I would volunteer to babysit my sisters kids so I could put them to bed so I could lock myself in her room to put on her clothes and makeup.  I covered it up and got married. My therapist and I came to the conclusion my desire to feel normal in relation to my genitals is the reason. Unfortunately after my body was formed, my brain was introduced to huge doses of female hormones 3000 to 5000  times greater than the estrogen in birth control pills. You are of an age where your mother too may have been prescribed DES. Http://desaction.org.
At any rate. I went through several months of self discovery and on my third visit to my therapist I got my letter for HRT. On my second visit to the MD I got my hormones and have been on them a little over a month. The relief was immediate and profound as I found with coming out a peace, my mind has never known. It was as if my body had realized something was missing. Over the thirty seven years since I left the love of my life I had found out why we had split. Good thing too as I was not being kind to my present wife who has been with me for 34. But, I promised her I would go to therapy to get to the bottom of all my anger. I had been to therapy at least 7 times over the 34 years but could never get the courage to be honest of why I was there. So I got a lot of group therapy were they teach you to say "cancel, cancel" when entertaining bad thought, Or to practice Mindfulness. I could quit smoking cold turkey after 20 years and I gave up alcohol and have not had a drink in 30 years. I also quit doing drugs, cocaine mostly cold turkey.  But I could never just stop crossdressing because it was part of my identity. Now I know it was my destiny. Although after 65 years I could not locate any medical records for my mother who has been dead for 33 years. But the symptoms of DES usage I exhibit are overwhelming. After I accepted this information I related it to my wife and she has been more receptive to the idea. Because like most of us the germ of ignorance has infiltrated our conceptions. But instead of the usual "You chose to be this way"." you're a pervert" mantra of religious zealots. I get an understanding from her, that I did not choose, to be this
way. "This Way" chose me. I am satisfied with that and will never question it again.  We all have a story to tell and it amazes me how similar they are. Most of us knew at an early age. Debunking the notion we chose to be this way. Young children do not  generally rely on their past experience to sort things out because well they have no past. But they do have feelings and instincts. I wish you good luck in sorting this all out and everything works out for you,

[Anne Blake]

Hello Rikkie,

Yes, welcome to Susan's Place. As you have already seen, there a lot of good folks here that can relate to what you are going through and can provide much needed support as you progress on your journey. I have more than twenty years on you and have just begun transitioning. I fully understand how you feel that you have finally found the right path to take and can hardly wait to become the person that you need to be. I recall all of the urgency combined with the endless waiting. I have come to realize that transitioning is far from a get it done and move on kind of thing. I believe that, for me at least, it is something that began when I realized that there was a path that could provide me peace from my old life, and will continue all of my life. The really neat thing was, that as soon as I realized that there was a solution and that I had begun taking the first steps, that freedom and peace was/is there. I am only three months into hrt and I am only out to a few dozen folks so far and it will take years to get rid of facial hair and many months to add head hair, and that I will never gain all of the socialization that CIS gals grow up learning............but I AM who I want to be and AM experiencing the magic of life that I had so longed for.

This has all been a rather wordy way of saying, you have begun your wonderful journey, slow down and enjoy every step. It is a truly wondrous path to experience.

Anne

[rickkie]

Thank again for more beautiful wonderful welcomes.

I believe I have found a wonderful supportive place.

[Kevinwg]

Hello Rickkie
Your not alone in this. Just the little time I have been on this sitter has helped me.h