Here we go again

[TX16]

Yesterday I was on top of the world. The husband was told, I had a plan to get myself and my children away from him, out of this city, and to finally be supported, to start my new life. Then today, I am left in depression.

Last night I spoke to my husband about me taking our kids across state lines, and to my mother's house. He lost it, crying, having his own panic attack, and then he told me that he wasn't going to let me take the kids. So I stupidly threatened legal action. I only said it, because I thought for sure I would win custody. Then he pulled out all of the stops. Told me he would get custody, that I wouldn't have a leg to stand on, because all he had to do was tell the judge I was trans, and there would go my children. I realized he was right. Possibly. I live in the south, where bigotry runs rampant. The judge would probably automatically give him custody, and I would lose my children. Even in New York, trans people have to fight an uphill battle to gain any custody of their children.

I don't know for fact that I would lose, but it is a high enough possibility, that I can't chance it. I can not lose my children. They are the most important people in the entire world to me. Losing them, would devastate me.

I tried again and again to get my husband to understand that I can't help what I am feeling. He seems to think I have created it myself, and that I can fix it. Then he woke me at 3 in the morning to cite a bunch of mental health articles he was looking at. Ones that talked about psychiatrist needing to work at the root problem, versus giving into "my delusions" by letting me transition. And that there are so many people in the trans community that regretted transition and ended up committing suicide because of it. That I wouldn't actually be happy, that I would pretend to be happy just to prove him wrong. That I need to see a therapist that is going to work with fixing the root of the problem, and transition isn't the answer.

Now I am stuck again. Stuck in a marriage I can't get out of it. Stuck not transitioning. Stuck not being able to be Trent for possibly ever. I can't do anything. I feel so completely powerless. The only thing I feel like I can do, is try and make my marriage better, but how much good is that going to do? I am still going to be yearning to be me, and still be unable to have it happen.

[Dena]

Being transgender is not normally enough to take control of the kids away from you but being abusive is and your husband is abusive. The articles he is quoting are out of date and have been proven false. Being transgender is a physical condition and not a mental condition and in no way affects your ability to care for the children. Talk to a lawyer now because your rights need to be protected against this bully.

[Asche]

Have you talked with a divorce lawyer?

If not, you need to do so ASAP, preferably without letting your husband know.

The point of this is to protect yourself, not just as far as custody.  The fact that you live in the (USA) South just makes it more important.  Note that seeing an attorney doesn't mean you have to divorce.  However, it's sounding like he might file first.  Also, you have to worry that he'll clean out any joint accounts or any accounts he has access to.

Your husband is not a trustworthy source of information.  He has a motivation to mislead you.  He is not on your side.

That's why you need someone who (a) knows the law and what is likely to actually happen in your area and (b) is on your side

Don't worry about whether you have the money to pay for it, BTW.  The initial consultation is almost always free.  They may know of ways to handle the money side.  I know in some cases, the husband ends up paying the legal fees.

[Asche]

BTW, does your husband know you post here?  Does he know you go by the name "Trent"?

In either case, I would change your screen name here.  PM the Admins, they can do it for you.  And make sure not to include any identifying information in your posts (and edit it out of any old ones.  If they're too old, you might need to get an Admin to do it.)

[Dena]

BTW, does your husband know you post here?  Does he know you go by the name <blank>"?

In either case, I would change your screen name here.  PM the Admins, they can do it for you.  And make sure not to include any identifying information in your posts (and edit it out of any old ones.  If they're too old, you might need to get an Admin to do it.)

The moderators normally alter the screen names and if you want to keep private, you should PM one you normally see around the site and it can be quickly changed. Usage in a post will not change but most everything else will.

[TX16]

I haven't called a lawyer or anyone yet. I should have, but I was, and still am, so scared. I don't want to lose my kids, at all. I am going to see my therapist on Tuesday, and plan to talk about all of this. Every single bit, and just go from there. Maybe I am stretching, but I am hoping that she can help me find the proper resources I need. I was also linked to a site filled with resources the other day. I am going to check it out again, as I didn't have much time yesterday when I looked at it.

My husband is going to be home all weekend, so I don't know how things are going to go between now and Tuesday.

I also asked for a name change.

[RobynD]

It is my understanding and from some limited knowledge from other family members, that the system always tries to award joint custody, unless there is a clear indicator of abuse/danger (drugs etc)  on one side. "Moral" issues such as affairs are not reasons for loss of custody, so gender variance should not be. This does mean however that it is hard for a parent to take the kids and run (probably rightfully so), and while that is understandable reaction, you could end up being forced to pay for a lot of plane tickets.

Good advice to meet with a lawyer immediately no matter what you do, he will help put your concerns and fears, somewhat at rest.

and yeah whatever sources of information your husband is coming up with or outdated or more likely than that published by religious groups and not supported by the medical community at all.

[popa910]

I can't really give any concrete advice, but I imagine at least part of the reason that you feel powerless is that you think your fate is held in others' hands.  So I suggest you try taking it back into your own hands: try gently and calmly explaining things to your husband.  Just try to gradually pry open his closed mind.  I'd also try giving him reliable, recent sources that lend credence to being transgender.  If I were you, I'd try particularly hard to convey that this is based in science; that you're not just loony.

In addition, from the sounds of it, your husband cares about your children (I imagine the reason that he wants to prevent you from obtaining custody is that he perceives you as mentally deranged, and wants to protect them from that).  I would suggest that you bring them into the conversation.  Try asking your children how they would feel if they never got to see you again.  And, I don't know how far you are in your transition or if you're even out to your family at all, but if you present as a woman to your children, attempt to inquire about their how they would feel were you to "become a man", so to speak.

Assuming your children respond positively in the first case, and especially if they respond positively to both cases, try and sit down with them and your husband and basically ask them those questions again.  Get him to see that the best thing for them would be to have you in the picture while they're growing up.

Hopefully this helps a bit, and I wish you the best of luck! 

[Janes Groove]

Ones that talked about psychiatrist needing to work at the root problem, versus giving into "my delusions" by letting me transition. And that there are so many people in the trans community that regretted transition and ended up committing suicide because of it.

That's all BS. He's messing with you.

[FTMax]

I'm sorry to hear that's how he decided to respond.

In terms of custody - like RobynD said, I'm also under the impression that the courts generally try to grant joint custody unless there is a risk of abuse. So you being transgender by itself isn't necessarily something to worry about, but him painting you as mentally unstable due to being transgender is. Getting in to see that therapist is probably the best thing you could do right now in terms of establishing a history of proactive mental health care.

Have you told him you are planning to see a therapist? I would perhaps let him know that, and maybe not much more. Just let him know that you have an appointment and will be seeing one. Ask if perhaps he would like to attend a future session with you, or if maybe you could make an appointment for him separately.

And like I said in another post - document, document, document. Louisiana is a one party state in terms of audio recording - meaning if you are a part of a conversation, you are legally allowed to record it. I would encourage you to find a way to record these conversations with him when you have them. Your computer probably has a microphone somewhere on it, and you can download a free voice memo program that would record. I think these would go a long way to demonstrate that you have tried to be reasonable throughout these conversations. If not, writing things down immediately after the fact is a good idea.