Where am I know in my journey of womanhood? It's tough to say, but I think I've been stuck at a crossroads for a while now. I feel lost, which I know is common for people my age, but it's a different kind of lost. I feel my identity lost, I feel almost as though I've forgotten whom I am. I've stagnated and grown comfortable where I am, but my journey isn't even close to being finished. But why should that matter- I just said I am comfortable, didn't I?
I'm not. I'm not where I want to be with myself as far as my body and my expressions go. I've transitioned enough to no longer be dark, miserable, and suicidal. I can- and frequently am- happy and hopeful. But there's a lot about myself that I hate. I hate every trace of masculinity on me- and I don't mean just the physical. I still have way too many male mannerisms that I haven't ditched. There are so many times that I legitimately forget that I'm a woman and regress into my old self. It's very difficult to pinpoint exactly what qualifies as the old me versus the new me, because they are not mutually exclusive. But I know that it happens, and I know from some close friends of mine that it's noticeable.
When this 'slip' in identity happens, I usually realize it after the fact, and it's very similar to realizing you just gave a speech with your fly down. I feel worried that I let my [my deadname] show, and that I just proved to everyone that I'm not a woman, and I am just faking. I know I'm not faking- there is no doubt in my mind about whom I am or whom I should be. Rather, the issue is that I feel invalidated by my own actions. It's one thing to have somebody else try to invalidate who I am, but it's much worse when the problem comes from within.
Maybe that's why a good chunk of me hopes for some type of confrontation some day- a random passerby calling me a name or even trying to start an argument about my validity. It'd be easier for me to face an external enemy than the one within. Faced with a direct, immediate challenge to respond to, I'd be able to validate myself by standing up for myself and not backing down. I'd feel proud and powerful.
But facing [my deadname]... that is difficult. That is scary, painful. I compare the experience of even acknowledging my male past to stepping in quicksand- yes, the kind you'd see in Indiana Jones and not the real-life kind. It's where describing my thoughts and emotions would start to sound psychotic. The name [my deadname] shouting through my head from the voices of unidentifiable characters in my past, the rush of horrible, horrible memories of being trapped and living a lie, and the awful feeling of being gross and freakish and just wishing that the girl in my would go away and stop existing.
I can't just skirt around the quicksand or pretend it doesn't exist. I have to face it. I have to clean it up. I have to continue moving forward and live my life. I used to live in a shell before I came out and transitioned. Lately, it feels as if the shell has been growing back, but it a different way. I need to stop it from completely overshadowing me.
After just finishing the book Being Emily (great title for me given I am Emily), I realize that I have a really strange feeling of nostalgia for coming out of the closet and starting to transition. During that time, I felt powerful and like I was making progress, despite all of the challenges. Maybe that's what I thrive on- challenge. Now that my life is 'easy' (as far as being accepted goes, and yes, I realize how privileged it is to be saying this), I'm sort of missing hardship. At least I always had a clear next step and a clear problem to overcome.
That damn book stabbed me in the gut, so here I am spilling my guts.
