Thinking out loud

[Drexy/Drex]

Thanks Liz  yes well sat is my first therapy session with a specialist in this field in fact a least 3 of the therapist's there are highly trained in this field
My doc said she wants me to establish a relationship with a therapist as I have so much other stuff going  that pep talk I got in an early thread paid off because I had no objections and am happy to participate
Yes your right now the ice is broken I can hardly wait
Next r&r I go back to the docs for a physical we both agreed that me having been on male hrt for so long will work in my favor and that I will get put on female hrt and blood will be monitored for regeneration of testosterone and then a blocker added  to maintain it within female range ....so no road blocks are being put in my way
As an aside the doc's practice was over the other side of town in an area I hadn't been for like ten years....yet I managed to get with 500 meters without using maps etc just used my intuition ....it was meant to be : )

[Drexy/Drex]

As an aside  after the doctor i went to a food court for lunch ....at the table to right of me was this beautiful  young  transgirl
And the tabel to left was a an attractive  middle age trans woman  ? 
Then i go to see my friend sarah  at her shop ( adult shop ) she,s a petite  gorgeous  blond  her bf is there we get into a conversation  about tall woman and she says hows she afraid of larger woman and how transgender woman scare her..... i felt like saying what about me sarah .....would you be scared of me ?
If i come out to her it will be like
Her : Nooooo
Me :  yessss
Her : No wayyyy !
Me : Yes wayyy !
Her : no
Me : yes
Ive already alluded to it by telling her and another gf that i,m planning  on 30k of cosmetic  surgery  and they say why you look great ...  i guess i,m just going to tell them both straight out theres sarah and then my other friend who is a counselor  .....so shouldn't spin them to much being as worldly as they are

Anyway we are sitting inn the office  waiting for  customers  and I'm   bitching about how my ex bought a new dress when one of my coworkers came to visit but never did the same for me
Sarah misunderstood  stood me  and pipes up " you'd  look great in a dress "  so i retort er what a nice little sequined  number ? 
and then at work the grader operator had to leave a section  of road rough so i  could cross  and then finish ...he pipes up over the  radio. ...got your sports bra on mark  , the other  female truck operator  chips in and says nah jock strap ! i tell you all this stuff is coming  thick and fast life sure does have a sense of humor  : )

[Drexy/Drex]

Smack on hands from doc today  quote unquote " no human being should have testosterone  levels in that range ....you will hurt yourself "
Ooopsy ....anyway now i have to wean myself off test and Xanax  at tthe same time .....its strange that my test levles could be so high yet i desire so much to be  female ? ....i always have to do things the hard way ....always a baptism  of fire oh well such is life   
So as testosterone  is  addictive  in some sense  , my doc said i cant nust stop cold, i have to gradually  decrease the dose so its going to take a while , she said this is not going to be easy for me , and that i should look at expressing my feminine  side some other way, which is what my therapist  said that maybe i should consider that rather then go hrt and all the crap that goes with it whatever that is  i almost feel like theyare trying to steer me away from hrt   my idea of expressing  my feminine  side is to be female look female  then i can go about doing and behaving the way i want which may not be the classical stereotypes
anyway why settle for what i can have when i can chase something  that perhaps does or doesn't  exist for me  and have a great journey !

[Drexy/Drex]

Well last therapy session went okish however therapist made a point of telling me I'm very masculine looking....so its been I come across very masculine , I present very masculine, but the looking masculine looking comment  is the third time and suggesting that I find some other outlet for my feminine side sich as crossdressing  rather than do hrt and all the " crap that goes with it " wont satisfy me if I just wanted to dress up  I would be doing that and not pursuing what I am and any way clothes are clothing  theres nothing special about them they serve  a purpose
Anyway I'm already painfully away of my looks and I dont like looking at photos of myself, however  the remark  that I look very masculine really for some reason hurt , I've been really depressed  have not felt this way before and I'm really starting to detest my looks , I feel kimd of gutted , I usually book 2 sessions on my week off but this time im not I feel the relationship on my side has soured
Im not a.cross dresser and i would absolutely  no satisfaction from ot  I like womans clothing and I would like to wear it but as me ....in female form
I don't think im going to go back  I feel resentful and the therapist is a nice person and ii dont want to upset her but at the same tme she wants me.to see a psychiatrist. .why ?does she think im mentally ill a fake bipolar  or something  or am I just to old , ugly too far gone  not suitable 
Anyway I have a stock of everything I need to start hrt on my own 
No one knows whats best for me but myself I wont be denied by cis gate keepers
Even if they are well intensioned
And as for psychiatrists  they are just pill pushers ,  recently  we had one here in australia who dealt with young children and he got caught videoing children in the bathrooms .... and they are the ones who declared Transgender as a mental illness originally and then there was the chelmsford psychiatric  hospital  deep sleep nightmare where people were put into  what was meant to be a therapeutic  sleep for days weeks ...but they were sexually assaulted  while they slept the psychiatrist  in charge of that hung himself before he could be brought to trial, and theres their butchery of people's  brains with lobotomys and electric shock treatment the list goes on and on , they see people as things not beings

[SadieBlake]

It's so odd, chatting with someone who's mtf and yet on testosterone, I don't see how you can do that and still say more power to you. I do get being hypermasculine as a coping mechanism, ensuring you still pass as male until it's time not to :-).

Anyhow. I don't think you need to fire your pshrink and I'd hazard a guess that she's genuinely trying to be helpful. The non binary path isn't simple and it's their job to consider all the options for you as a client.

I'm not saying she wasn't apply cis gender assumptions, but perhaps she's preparing you for a world that's cis-sexist and generally binary. My process with the docs has involved a year of working specifically toward transition and we first broached the topic of RLE as a non passing female back in April. It took 7 months to get from there to letters of recommendation, in part because she's not an expert in gender and then working with a psychologist who is -- and yet really managed to be less respectful in practice.

But I set my concerns for all of this aside. Push come to shove I know I could go find two online psychs to write pro forma letters. Both of these docs really did look out for my interests and I'm completely invested in really answering where I need to go in transition. Also they've leant me the strength to make this work in my relationships and friendships.

Net:net I have my letters ahead of the time I needed them, every step has been necessary.

I know out in the real world I'm encountering people who are writing me off as pretty >-bleeped-<ed up and some of them I'd called close friends, mostly things are fine but the reality is that people make assumptions.

Best example was the gender expert who's writing the consulting letter. She wanted to know what pronoun I prefer. Because I really don't care except that when she writes the letter I want female pronouns I said that. I'd actually like people to respond to who they experience. So she insisted I choose and so I gave "she/her" because sure, I have a slight preference.

So not 5 minutes later she misgendered me, apologized more than profusely and I was fine, if amused that she'd simply responded to how I look -- 5'11" male bearded and balding. Since this is what I was wanting from the start I was anything but offended. The doc however took time at the end of the session to further apologize which I honestly felt was silly as in the context of working with me it wasn't a professional lapse. No harm, no foul and if she's not as completely amazing as my regular psychiatrist, she doesn't have to be. She had some insights that were  helpful.

I've spent 20 years transitioning socially and I still know I read male sometimes and have to suggest that you probably read male in your interactions. It will take time and maybe it's not even something you want to affect.

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi SadieBlake thanks for taking the time to reply, : ) well with regards to the testosterone  ive been on it for a few years now , its simply a replacement  for what my body does  not produce  years ago i was feeling depressed,  tired all the time , i introverted , no stamina , and i was totally  fatigued  after work outs
, so i had a test while in thailand  my results were right at the bottom of the chart  doc gave me a jab but it didn't  do much it seemed  so i just forgot about t it for another couple of years  ended up on xanax
( which i,m slowing weaning my self off i tried to go cold turkey  but i only lasted 4 days as the side effects were so bad ....giving up heroin was esier than this )
Than i heard about hrt so i went to a doc showed him the results and he gave me what i needed  its funny but i think if i had had the hrt in the beginning  i would not have need the Xanax  i bet there are tens of thousands  of men on anti depressants  who really just have low t.
so really the male hrt  just was meant to put me in normal range
, in male form you cant do without it ,  but i,m assuming  that when the ratio is repalced by estrogen your body rebalances but its either  one or the other  so if i had followed the docs one size fits all doseing protocol i would be the same as any other male in the testosterone  range
However i was not saisfied with having the 50ish range i wanted the same as a healthy  30 yr old ...so i set about doing it ,when my new doc said  no person should have test in those ranges i think she was referring  to old tests by another doc when i was using reandron/ nebido which is a 3 monthly injection it has a very long ester/ half life and as i was new to it i did not realise so because there was some left in my system  from the previous  shot it kept building  at every subsquent shot , which is  the range the new doc would have seen
Now i,m on enanthate which has a much shorter half life  so is more easily controlled though i use it more frequently  than the docs recommendation  as i have a fast metabolism .
But yes even the therapist said she had never dealt with someone on male hrt before .....but if shes dealt with trans men ....well then she has .
But its interesting i could have such high levels and still reach for mtf through that haze of test, but i guess the range i,m in is   normal for
For me so it doesnt hinder the way i think , anyway i have to maintain it at this point until i can get mtf hrt as before male hrt i was a very sensitive and emotional person , i used get such a hard time in the industry  i work in but now i get left alone  because i cant be pushed around any more
. Howeverif  i let the test drop i think i would be eaten alive ....so has to be either test or estrogen  in the right amounts
I had the opposite  experience  with my doc she was so gracious and granted me being female she is really enthusiastic  however first appointment  i gushed out all this stuff that really should be reserved  for a shrink ,

so she asked me to see one ...not so much for the gender side but because i had so much other stuff going on so its all good with her  i think if i asked i could just do informed consent ,
So really i,m just at the shrinks at her request and theres also the benefit of getting hrt hormones at lower cost on the national health scheme ,
  i don't  think i need help with gender idendity I've  read enough and chatted with others  to the point where i am fully aware , but i have spent all my life conforming  to the macho ideal and have throughly negated and repressed myself
but it think maybe in transitioning is where i,ll need to talk to someone as just as some transmen have difficulty  coping with their new hormonal identity so it will  probably be   the same in reverse its simply amazing how much sex hormones play a part in our thinkng and behavior

As for my social interaction  i really have no idea how i will be , i know testosterone  has had such a profound effect on my life and i expect in its absence estrogen will do the same thing
And you know its correct i have over compensated  to fit in  but for all I've  done its just a pseudo identity though a good one , i have the admiration  of my peers not  a day goes past where some guy wiil clap me on the shoulders or make a postive comment on my body and the woman get so gushy in my presence and can't  help but touch me  or make eyes at me lol its almost surreal  and i see some guys are very jealous  of all the admiration  i receive,  and even last night some attractive girl half my age tried to pick me up at mac Donalds
So i have almost every thing a cis male could desire ....but its of no use to me whatever  i don't  use it or know how to use it to my advantage
Though i guess any sort of admiration  is nice , but here i am ready wanting to sacrifice  all my strength power and charisma  for the
Unknown ....so either i am crazy or i am certain of what i want
You are right about me not jumping the gun and fireing my therapist  she is a specialist  in gender issues  and of course  yes she would be genuine  trying to help me  and i,m probably  over sensitive 
How ever suggesting i should find another outlet rather than do hrt leaves me mystified , and why ask me to see  a psychiatrist ? Well For a second opinon she said as it holds more weight  with the paper work apparently  but i feel theres an ulterior  motive there .
However i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so i will have to wait till i calm down  ..once i get wound up it takes me awhile to calm down
Anyway she is due to go on extended leave and i am to be passed onto another therapist  so maybe I'll wait till then as its not really an ideal situation  to establish  a relationship  with one therapist and then go to another  we've  only had 3 sessions so far so it wont really matter i guess and perhaps i will get someone  closer to my age who understands the concept of time older people have ,
You know sometimes i wish i had not woken up and just continued  my life oblivious .
But now i know its on my mind 24 hrs a day
My therapist did ask if i had a preferered name to be known by when i first went there ..i do have but i,ll use it when the time is right ☺
I tend to follow the be do have principle

You've got to be before you can do, and do before you can have." thats how i feel about transition 

[Ayla]

Margie
So much of your story is similar to mine.  Alpha binary male with major dysphoria.  Early medical advice was that I should just cross dress as I "would never be able to pass."  Tried cross dressing but it just felt like another act.  As my t levels came off I was prescribed androgel and my dysphoria became crippling.
Finally diagnosed trans and started hrt.  Immediately felt so much better, nil dysphoria and full speed towards transition .... until I stopped, reversed direction and sought multiple opinions, had ffs, permanent hair removal etc and began to realise and accept that I just didn't fit the binary and I didn't need to transition to express my andro, gender fluid nature.  Not sure this is the right path for everyone but it certainly has worked for this non binary!
Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Safe travels
Aisla

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Aisla yes imdeed our paths run parallel,  i can comprehend  how you may have felt when you were told to try cross dressing as you would never pass ....how insentitive can people be !
But the more i look at it those comments  about me being masculine and the final  blow of "you look very mascline !"  Well using my universal  translator that actually  has a lot more content in it than those 4 words its actually a polite  and an attempt  to soften the blow , because what it really means me  to reading  between the lines is " you are too masculine looking and you wont pass...so heres an option try cross dressing
, but its like you put perfectly  its just another act .

I,m working  my way through hair removal  and i have been seriously  considering  getting ffs before i start hrt I've  read of one surgeon who doesn't  believe you have be on hrt before getting ffs  so if there is a lull in work i may just do that at
Least that would solve part of the problem

...its funny when i first met my new trans friendly  doc i declared i did not have dysphoria but it appears that i might have some form of it  from reading your post ,

Thats the great thing about this site all the information i have learned and even the therapist  remarked i had done my homework when we first met.... well not so much homework as having access to a great data base and readimg and chatting about people like my self
Being here is therapy  in its self i have no doubt it has saved many hours in the chair for me

Thanks for sharing , so did you fully transition  in the end or was ffs and hair removal enough to satisfy you ?
And may your travels be pleasant too 

[LizK]

Hi Markie

I have been reading this thread with real interest because I had/have low T caused by an internal medication pump. Before coming out I had 2 x T injections and they were just about the end of me. I was a hateful cow...I was angry with everyone and furious with myself for having been so stupid as to put T back in my body. So I guess the question is why?

I will make this as short as I can....I have always done destructive things when it comes to my health and I thought keeping the fact I had low T was just another example of this, My Dr at the time reacted to me the way he would to any other male with low T...you poor bloke here let me fix this...To say I hated it was an understatement..my Dysphoria went through the roof which sent my anger out of control...the hate and loathing I had for myself was at the suicidally high levels...as the levels began to drop away so did many of the physical symptoms along with my anger. After this and for the next 2 years I had low to no T...I felt pretty good.

When I started HRT things changed for me I began to get some clarity around myself, my dysphoria lessened I felt "well". This came with side effects which the biggest being the rollercoaster of emotions. When T is not the pervading hormone running through your system you see the world from a different view. It takes time for it to shift and I can feel the shift in me and I feel excited and happy. I love the changes in my emotional response, my sexual response, my sense of humour, the way in which I see things now is different...clothes, makeup, hair, deportment are all very important but for me the best part of it all is finally just relaxing and letting me be me...my daughter commented on a particular posture I have now that she says is very feminine but something I never even thought about or noticed myself doing.

I had to go out to get some hardware yesterday and I was absolutely miserable because I just did not want to go in boy mode but I did anyway...I did not realise just how much it upsets me to crossdress now...this is a change that has come from me allowing myself to just be who I am...

I guess what I am trying to say to you is that Oestrogen is not just a substitute for T, it is likely to change your world in unexpected ways, its a whole new universe when you are on Oestrogen. Don't be scared...its the kind of different you have craved all your life if you are MTF and I would imagine if you are FTM having T would be similar.

If you read any of my very early posts, even before I decided to transition I was all to aware of the "fact" that I would not pass...but as I have gone along on HRT whether or not I pass is becoming less of an issue because the duality of living as part male and part female is becoming increasingly more difficult as each day comes along. The other thing I have noticed is I do care if I pass to a certain extent. I want to be able to at least walk through a shopping centre and not be noticed by everyone or even pass. After 40+ years of T there are some things I cannot change and don't want to change.

Just thinking out loud along with you

Hugs
Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Liz  thanks for chatting 

My dsphoria went through the roof which sent my anger out of control...the hate and loathing I had for myself was at the suicidally high levels...as the levels began to drop away so did many of the physical symptoms along with my anger. After this and for the next 2 years I had low to no T...I felt pretty good.

Liz yes I think I may finally have had a taste of dysphoria. ..but it needed someone close to me to trigger it and i thought i was immune to it ...very unpleasant feeling  so I can feel for you and I have noticed as my t dose bleeds off I feel more relaxed
So there something definitely there its interesting that you felt good with low t or nil t levels but I guess the estrogen must have made a difference

When I started HRT things changed for me I began to get some clarity around myself, my dysphoria lessened I felt "well". This came with side effects which the biggest being the rollercoaster of emotions. When T is not the pervading hormone running through your system you see the world from a different view. It takes time for it to shift and I can feel the shift in me and I feel excited and happy.

Yes I  am looking forward (although a little scared )to the changes estrogen will make in me , I have a deep feeling they will be quite marked and profound just as I found with T . I am really looking forward to it to be honest and I am preparing with that in mind

.clothes, makeup, hair, deportment are all very important but for me 

I expect something similar will occur with me ....I want to do my nails and make up so bad and I guess theres something dysphoric about not being able at this point
When I sent my photo's off for virtual ffs I was asked what I didnt like about my face
I said the whole thing .. I like my eyes though and sometimes in a quiet moment I can see me  sometimes

I had to go out to get some hardware yesterday and I was absolutely miserable because I just did not want to go in boy mode but I did anyway...I did not realise just how much it upsets me to crossdress now...this is a change that has come from me allowing myself to just be who I am...

Yes well now its the reverse for you thats very interesting  but it shows to me that you are you : )

I guess what I am trying to say to you is that Oestrogen is not just a substitute for T, it is likely to change your world in unexpected ways, its a whole new universe when you are on Oestrogen. Don't be scared...its the kind of different you have craved all your life if you are MTF and I would imagine if you are FTM having T would be similar.

Yes Liz I agree I look forward to it  thank you for your insight and encouragement
Since I've been on replacement  t my body has stopped producing it and the body parts responsible for making it would similar to a trans female now
So when estrogen floods my system it will have full access after having been on t replacement for so long that area is in stasis and I would have to use medicine to kickstart it again, I know the female body needs a small amount of testosterone for health just as the male one needs a small amount of estrogen so I will have to do some more research on that aspect




If you read any of my very early posts, even before I decided to transition I was all to aware of the "fact" that I would not pass...but as I have gone along on HRT whether or not I pass is becoming less of an issue because the duality of living as part male and part female is becoming increasingly more difficult as each day comes along. The other thing I have noticed is I do care if I pass to a certain extent. I want to be able to at least walk through a shopping centre and not be noticed by everyone or even pass. After 40+ years of T there are some things I cannot change and don't want to change.

Just thinking out loud along with you

Most welcome Liz

Yes I am not so worried about passing so much as aesthetics like hair for instance ive regrown mine and will find out if I am a candidate for transplantation if I could even manage shoulder length I'd be very happy,
I used to keep thinking about my height but last night in the gym this cis girl came in she was as tall as me big boned, had a high forehead so that initially I thought she was trans , but no she wasn't
And a while ago a trans woman came into Sarahs shop I could tell by her voice  but she wasn't even concerned about it however she had the most beautiful ankle length dress ...so I think clothes maketh the female as well as maybe not self confidence but being comfortable in ones skin which is definitely the vibe I got from her so I think that is probably the most important thing of all if you want to be able to pass to the extent you mentioned ....you will ,  you have long hair thats a good start
Oh and that femmine posture you have adopted sounds natural just goes to show theres no need to mimic anything I think considering all the females we have ever been exposed , seen , been with is all recorded in the subconscious so in the presence of hormones mannerisms and character will adjust accordingly I think though I'm  certainly not an expert but I think one mistake could be trying to hard you can't force a flower to open but when it does its own pace until it is in full bloom

Hugs
Markie

[Ayla]

Hi Aisla yes imdeed our paths run parallel,..

Thanks for sharing , so did you fully transition  in the end or was ffs and hair removal enough to satisfy you ?
And may your travels be pleasant too 

Markie
My path has certainly not been linear and my speed has varied.  While I am transtioning I am not transitioning in a binary sense, rather it is a transition from the alpha binary male construct that I had inhabited for much of my life to a far more androgynous and gender fluid target state.  I don't think that I will transition MTF because I don't see, feel or identify as F.  I think that I am a fairly typical non binary who seeks to occupy the 'middle ground' (although I don't see gender as a spectrum) ..  my endo encouraged me to flex the hrt (E and spiro) to help find my 'sweet spot'.   Interestingly my body changed faster than I was able to handle, causing me to have a bilateral breast reduction.  Since then my hrt has again increased to what would normally be regarded as transition level, rather than low dose.  Here in Oz, implants are often used so once I found my sweet spot I asked my endo for an implant and only minor tweaking has followed.

I primarily use hrt for emotional peace - the physical changes are fine but are not an end in themself. I have found life to be so much richer and have felt so much more authentic since starting on hrt and my other changes (ffs, hair etc) were designed to signal and help me present as MTA rather than as MTF. 

Hope this makes sense.  The other important piece is that I am still married and my wife is still adjusting.  Deep down her worst nightmare is if I later find that I need to transition as, while she relates to me as NB and A, sexually she is hetero and has no interest in presenting as a lesbian.

As an aside, I have a number of friends who were MAAB and identify as NB and A but have chosen full transition as it just seems to be a better fit for them.  We seem to be converging on a similar space but our paths differ.

No one could say that our journeys are boring. 

Safe travels

Aisla

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Aisla,
                 Yes what you say does make sense ,  in fact some of the things you speak of are thoughts i,ve had my self though  not so concise
I've  always believed in a third gender even before I actually realised where I am now and i think thats the path i,m traveling  along i will only really know how far i am going to go once i start hrt ,  but before that i,m getting rid of body hair  for a start as i think that hrt will work pretty quick with me too
though it will be ffs and hair that is my main concern initally
as you said about occupying the middle ground that is where i  believe  i will end up, i don't  really intend to have srs due to some concerns i have about it,
though as i become more myself that possibly  could change only time will tell i,m pretty adaptable

[SadieBlake]

What are your concerns with GCS?

[Drexy/Drex]

 Ummm well i read somewhere that sexual pleasure may not avaliable  for all that go through it and  i,m a bit confused because at this point i dont really fancy men ..... so  what would i do ? ...its just a comment not cast in granite  and deep down it has appealed  to me but I've  yet to confront that i will have to see how my perceptions  change  , might be i,m avoiding yet another issue. ...

[Ayla]

Markie

This really is a journey which is uniquely yours.  You are the author.  You get to decide the direction, the speed, the extent and the destination.  The thing is, the journey will change you and your understanding of your self.  As a non binary you really can see if you need to fully transition to express yourself as androgynous.  Some folk do, some folk don't.

Over the last 6.5 years I have been surprised with just how much I have changed as I started to understand, accept and express my gender.  This has meant that I have at times slowed my transition, stopped transition, then restarted and in each case I have responded to how I felt and was designed to keep me in a good place.  For me this has been a search for self and this has in turn been driven by a need to learn to express my self as authentically and as powerfully as possible. 

I look forward to hearing how your transition progresses

Safe travels

Aisla

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Aisla yes well spoken  and that  is what i will be pursuing  i look forward to it extremely though not witnout  some trepidation,
But it as you say i want to express "  My self " as authentically as i can and yes its goi g to be interesting  as to how far i go with transition
What ever that may be ....but what  ever happens i have to move on from where i am ....i have this window of chance so i need /  must avail  myself of it , i have fears about it , i wonder at how my work   mates and people i know will treat me  but its not for them its for me and any one who doesn't  like it can go and get  <not allowed> ( go forth and procreate )
i felt good today as i found a  transition  clinic in the thailand that is right where i holiday they deal specifically
With mtf and ftm and is  American  run   no letters are needed you simply go in sign up are given a full  though medical
And then the correct medication bio identical  is dispensed  every thing is done under expert supervision and you will be assessed   monthly
If you so choose
And your medication can be mailed to you anywhere in the world  and its very reasonable price wise
What a relief. ... now i know i dont have to jump through  any hoops  bow down or suffer the opinions  or be stalled by them
Thats one of the things i like about thailand .....no bs red tape
Anyway its good to have a choice
  Cheers friend

[Ayla]

Markie

Transitioning really is quite a journey.  On reflection I was, in many ways, my own worst enemy.  In life I do take a position, I will dive in rather than slowly immerse myself.  In transitioning I have had to slow it down and to resist taking big steps.  Moving quickly really caused me stress.

Every time I took a big step early in my journey eg booking for multiple FFS procedures, finding a gap in my surgeon's schedule which fitted my work schedule, and committing to the procedures.  Wow I hadn't even looked at the DVD covering the procedures until 4 hours prior to the op!  I hadn't even spoken to folk who had had similar procedures etc  I only organised post op care the weekend before.  No wonder I found the procedure and the recovery difficult.

Similarly I ramped up hrt very quickly.  Quick and obvious breast development.  So what did I do?  I just as quickly decided to reduce both breasts. 

It was also about then that I began to accept that a full transition was not right for me at that point in time or indeed, perhaps not at any time.   

The pattern was clear.  I needed to change my approach.  I went back to 3 therapists, I spoke with 2 endos and engaged with many folk on forums like Susans and only then did I start a more careful and considered journey.  I also considered that perhaps my narrative and my journey were uniquely mine and that I couldn't just dive in and trust that it would all work out well in the end.

4 years further on I am in a really good place.  My breasts have returned and I know that even if I have not yet arrived at my final destination that I am in a very good place. For me, in transition, thoughtful and considered steps have been better, much better than just diving right on in. 

Interestingly I have since met folk who not only had multiple FFS procedures but also had BA in one op... and then they quickly followed up with GCS. ... and they swear that this was the best possible way forward for them.  It just reminds me that our journeys are unique, that some folk are more resilient, more certain, better prepared and that the journey itself will change our understanding of ourself and of others.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Aisla,
                   What you have said is food for thought  .... one wouldn't  dive into an unknown  billabong  without testing it first as inviting  as the water looks  there maybe  obstructions  just below the surface 
For me though i am quite impulsive  and want to take big steps ....i find the waiting frustrating....but some  of it is my own doing  like for instance  starting hrt .....i went and saw  Dr Markie and he prescribed  me every thing i need 😂 when i,m in Thailand i will have access to more expert opinions blood tests etc
but i have  this thing about getting  rid of my body hair first , as i,m pretty sure since my own t production  has stopped and wont restart with the blockers kicking in , i,m not sure but i think the estrogen  induced  body effects will come on like a  freight train one thing i know is my physiology  loves hormones and responds very well
With ffs i still have to send the new lot of photos  in fact get them taken ! which i have been avoiding  once i have an idea of what my new face will look like i can then start contacting surgeons to  see what they can do and adjust  as needed ....considering the recovery time  i want to get ffs and whatever else  facial plastic surgery  done as soon as this contract i,m on is finished ....after reading your account and those of others and i see its no cake walk  and considering  i,m going to bite the bullet and get everything done in one move that can be done i will need the time between jobs to recover
Thanks to your input and that of others  i have a very good idea as what to expect and what to do and how  the rest of what i need to do will
become apparent  as the journey  progresses
Cheers

[Drexy/Drex]

Mmmm last night having drinkies at the mess
People wanted.to what I looked like with hair so I showed an old photos
And the petite blond next to me oh markie you so much smaller back then... that lady is bigger than you !!! made my night ....if I can get back to that size it will be good
Just have to lose about 20kg of muscle built during my testosterone fueled rampage

[Dena]

Even that far back you were still muscular so I suspect in a couple of year you could end up with even a more delicate build.