Thinking out loud

[Charlie Nicki]

I read a post by carlyMcx
On how after starting hrt several weeks in she when looking at photos of her old self
She would cry at losing him

That happened to me. Didn't get to cry but did feel super sad about losing him.

[Drexy/Drex]

That happened to me. Didn't get to cry but did feel super sad about losing him.

Yes I am starting  to go through  that mentally  ....not enough physical  change as yet.. though my work colleagues  on the bus remarked  at how much weight I've lost around the face...
but I thInk I will miss him.... this is so strange...

[Charlie Nicki]

Yes I am starting  to go through  that mentally  ....not enough physical  change as yet.. though my work colleagues  on the bus remarked  at how much weight I've lost around the face...

I totally feel you. I still look like a man yet I look like a completely different man than I did 7 months ago. I lost weight and my beard. But I can't wait to move forward even if sometimes I feel nostalgia of the old me.

[Drexy/Drex]

Yes I know what you mean.... sometimes  I lose heart but then when I look in the mirror... and see the first slightest bits of feminisation  occurring  I feel better

[LizK]

Yes I am starting  to go through  that mentally  ....not enough physical  change as yet.. though my work colleagues  on the bus remarked  at how much weight I've lost around the face...
but I thInk I will miss him.... this is so strange...

Hey Markie

I don't miss him...I bought bits of him with me into my current life but he is having a well deserved rest ...I don't know that he will ever be completely gone ...but then that doesn't bother me like it used too.

[Drexy/Drex]

Hey Markie

I don't miss him...I bought bits of him with me into my current life but he is having a well deserved rest ...I don't know that he will ever be completely gone ...but then that doesn't bother me like it used too.

That's a good way to look at it Liz,  without him/me this would never have happened,  I must admit  im  somewhat  missing the notoriety he had and the strength  !!! well once these hormones  kick in proper and I have cosmetic  surgery  and some well placed tattoos I'm sure I'll  match or elcipse  his noteirty 😂 😈
I feel kinda bad for all the people who championed me... it's hard to explain  with out sounding  like I've got tickets on self....
PS Luv your latest avatar... those bangs suit you 😊

[LizK]

That's a good way to look at it Liz,  without him/me this would never have happened,  I must admit  im  somewhat  missing the notoriety he had and the strength  !!! well once these hormones  kick in proper and I have cosmetic  surgery  and some well placed tattoos I'm sure I'll  match or elcipse  his noteirty 😂 😈
I feel kinda bad for all the people who championed me... it's hard to explain  with out sounding  like I've got tickets on self....
PS Luv your latest avatar... those bangs suit you 😊

I have give credit to Cindy for showing me an alternative way of thinking about it.  I have no doubt you will get your notoriety back being Trans in your industry will give you that anyway LOL With everything you have planned I am sure you will look great. If all those people had not championed you , you may never have made it here...

Thanks for the compliment...Girls gotta work with what she's been dealt.

[Drexy/Drex]

True you are right again 😉
Ah the being caught  out with eye liner saga Continues ...got bailed up by three of my work mates who were teasing me and one of them blurted out "your not a cross dresser are you? " (did I detect a tone of hope there 😂)
later on I realised he had probably  meant transsexual.
And the other night it was my big pirate mates send off as he was leaving the job..
We were all at the wetness about 40 people from my crew at one big long table and I was facing him and my inquisitor mate  and in his big booming voice he starts teasing me and so does the other guy everyone is in various  states of Inebriation....and I'm in the spot light I tried to get out of it by saying  he was mistaken and it was my Peyelashs as they have lengthened and got a lot darker.... but nothing  doing they kept going ....so I just looked at them .....and then I started to blush.. something  I haven't  done since I was 16...black beard spots it and in unison  he and the other guy declare loudly "look hes  turning red " and the whole table erupts in gales of laughter ...but it was jovial not mocking  soon forgotten  as the party kicked off to another  level.... I guess im  very lucky to be working with such a great bunch of people... rough diamonds... 😆
This Hrt is without doubt changing my mind set and status,  my doc said its as if a wall has come down
and people who ne er used to talk to me are now quite  chatty,  but I recall  in the past where I've had 2 guys come up to me and say that they had wanted to speak to me but sere basically worried I would hit them.. that's what the first one said and he was somewhat drunk that was before Hrt and the second just recently...
I must have been more imposing  then I thought....
Since Hrt things are much better better communication  and I actually  feel like part of the community
much better connection  with women too
downside is I  get  checked  out by some guys  but I also get treated  better too
Whew Dena told me it would  be a wild ride.... and it is and this is early  days
Ive  caught a couple of red necks scopeing me out and ive  just looked away then quickly  looked back at them
hard... they back off and I'm  not worried  as I know how to handle myself 😉

[Laurie]

 I enjoyed reading your post Markie. I cannot imagine myself being in a situation anything like you were in and your attitude and thoughts concerning it are just so good to read. Your life is so vastly different than mine. Not much of asocial life in my bedroom where I spend my days. But then it suits me because I've never been comfortable in groups.  You keep up that good attitude and I'll share it with you from here. lol.
  You're doing good Markie keep it up.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Drexy/Drex]

Thank you Laurie 😊
Well you know I was never comfortable  in groups either  but lately  I've  come to terms with my mortality and so I realised I have nothing  to lose and everything  thing to gain,  so I just do what I want... on a gradient though at work that is but when I'm in the city  I dress as I want im  not as femme looking as yourself so I content myself with Goth androgynous  looks,  it's still pretty  out there though but what I've  found is that if you are overt and blatant  the general public gives way...  they are all so homogenised that they can do nothing  , I don't know where you live but maybe you can venture out bit by bit and slowly  desensitise  your self? I guess  it's easy for me to say
as working in this industry  you have to have a thick skin and stood sense of humour and also I'm not full time
But being non binary I'm qui  happy with the androgynous  presentation  and it is what I will pursue
thanks 🌹

[LizK]

True you are right again 😉
Ah the being caught  out with eye liner saga Continues ...got bailed up by three of my work mates who were teasing me and one of them blurted out "your not a cross dresser are you? " (did I detect a tone of hope there 😂)
later on I realised he had probably  meant transsexual.
And the other night it was my big pirate mates send off as he was leaving the job..
We were all at the wetness about 40 people from my crew at one big long table and I was facing him and my inquisitor mate  and in his big booming voice he starts teasing me and so does the other guy everyone is in various  states of Inebriation....and I'm in the spot light I tried to get out of it by saying  he was mistaken and it was my Peyelashs as they have lengthened and got a lot darker.... but nothing  doing they kept going ....so I just looked at them .....and then I started to blush.. something  I haven't  done since I was 16...black beard spots it and in unison  he and the other guy declare loudly "look hes  turning red " and the whole table erupts in gales of laughter ...but it was jovial not mocking  soon forgotten  as the party kicked off to another  level.... I guess im  very lucky to be working with such a great bunch of people... rough diamonds... 😆
This Hrt is without doubt changing my mind set and status,  my doc said its as if a wall has come down
and people who ne er used to talk to me are now quite  chatty,  but I recall  in the past where I've had 2 guys come up to me and say that they had wanted to speak to me but sere basically worried I would hit them.. that's what the first one said and he was somewhat drunk that was before Hrt and the second just recently...
I must have been more imposing  then I thought....
Since Hrt things are much better better communication  and I actually  feel like part of the community
much better connection  with women too
downside is I  get  checked  out by some guys  but I also get treated  better too
Whew Dena told me it would  be a wild ride.... and it is and this is early  days
Ive  caught a couple of red necks scopeing me out and ive  just looked away then quickly  looked back at them
hard... they back off and I'm  not worried  as I know how to handle myself 😉

Hi Markie

Loved this post...

I think you did well to handle it the way you did and this increased attention is only going to get worse once you complete your proposed treatments. Although from what you have told me the seem to be a great bunch of people you work with but I guess you have to be fairly thick skinned just to survive without throwing being Trans into the mix.

Sounds to me the HRT is really agreeing with you in a number of ways I hope you keep feeling well. Stay well

[Drexy/Drex]

Thanks Liz yes a thick skin is a requirement,  I've  found the best way to deal with things is humour.... laugh with them... take it on the chin 😊 but have boundaries
true the Hrt has really  helped me mentally  I feel as if this was the way I was always  meant to be
it like I am on a slow moving  train and I still have time to step off before it gathers speed but I don't want to

[Laurie]

   

femme looking as yourself

  Thank you Markie. I think you are the first and only one to have used those words to describe me. I certainly never thought of it for myself. I wish I felt femme. Call me corny, but I do wish I could have been a pretty young princess so many years ago. Now I'd be doing good as the evil step mother or the three witches in Macbeth.

   "By the pricking of my thumbs, Something wicked this way comes"

[Drexy/Drex]

Your welcome  Laurie..... I understand  what you mean about  not feeling  femme I guess its a case of 50 years of social indoctrination  amongst a myriad  of other things
ah yes if only I could  have the body I wanted too... a petite blond instead of the hulking brute... I must see it as karma and a challenge

........

[Drexy/Drex]

Well.... had my first distinctly uncomfortable  experience... I was sitting  in a corner of the wet mess having drinks with work mates...the way the seating was there was no where else for them to look but at me one of them started  to look  confused  and fearful  then the female gym coach came around  as she was selling raffle  tickets when she looks into my eyes when  looked up and said I didn't want any as she looked at me her smile went to I guess confusion.. perhaps disbelief  my mate soon left....
Also on the bus back from work I was sitting  at the back and 3 of my colleagues  were there as well.... I started to notice how much they stank..... literally  reeked  and also their conversation  was loud essentially  they disgusted me I felt like hitting them....
there are some tshirts I cannot wear now.....
I'm  getting  annoyed  with guys staring at me
I can tolerate  the looks in the sShopping Centre from various females maybe it's the earings I have in or just my dress code?
I'm used to men looking away and down from me respectfully and fearful even the tough guys...
Whew.... how the mighty  fall.....

[LizK]

Well.... had my first distinctly uncomfortable  experience... I was sitting  in a corner of the wet mess having drinks with work mates...the way the seating was there was no where else for them to look but at me one of them started  to look  confused  and fearful  then the female gym coach came around  as she was selling raffle  tickets when she looks into my eyes when  looked up and said I didn't want any as she looked at me her smile went to I guess confusion.. perhaps disbelief  my mate soon left....
Also on the bus back from work I was sitting  at the back and 3 of my colleagues  were there as well.... I started to notice how much they stank..... literally  reeked  and also their conversation  was loud essentially  they disgusted me I felt like hitting them....
there are some tshirts I cannot wear now.....
I'm  getting  annoyed  with guys staring at me
I can tolerate  the looks in the sShopping Centre from various females maybe it's the earings I have in or just my dress code?
I'm used to men looking away and down from me respectfully and fearful even the tough guys...
Whew.... how the mighty  fall.....

Life changes in so many ways when you transition, peoples attitudes change towards you, some for good some not so. Maybe what you are experiencing is being put into that category as an "other", you are not the same as us any more...just my guess

The smell is extraordinary isn't it...I found it weirdly unnerving the first time I noticed and even more so now but for other reasons. I cam across a shop0ping bag full of old clean tshirts but even then I could smell the "male" we women smell different, we smell nice (I do LOL) but we do have a different smell about us. Embrace the changes   

[Drexy/Drex]

I guess "other " is what it is... it's a very strange experience  witnessing how the subconscious  works live
Yes I don't stink any longer
... we do smell better lol
I'm fairly seasoned as far as mind altering  trips go... but this beats everything  😂
the new sense of smell is  startling I never expected anything  like that

[Drexy/Drex]

I am surprised  at how Ummm lippy?  I've become... I thought  I would be meek and mild now that estrogen  is the dominant hormone ...but seems I'm even more forward and aggressive my ipl tech reckons I might be getting a bit b_ _ _ _y lol...  she's such a doll and very supportive  of me
This session with my psychiatrist  took off quite well but did a nose dive and a spiral down when I mentioned  the word non binary  and then there  was resistance  to me doing FFS as it was such a permanent  thing ....she did mention  that she couldn't  stop me but that I should  give it serious  consideration  ....however I think I have already  but I would like to get a letter  from her so I use my super which is not much to do it... I figure it's better to use it now rather than wait as in the future  due to inflation  it will not be worth much anyway anyway she is a lovely  person and I very much look forward  to our talks  though she did admit  to me she was new to all this but however had just got back from a transgender  conferance but I guess her comment is fair enough  as is my comment about non binary ..sometimes I get the impression that non binary are the new underclass though
even though we are in the new wpath standards
I'm enjoying  being female but I think I am  the butch lesbo type maybe it's Dysphoria I don't  know
what I do know is that I don't  have enough  of my life left to mess around  !

[Dena]

The problem with the non binary is it's not a definitive term so what's non binary to one person may not be the same to another. If you are going to discuss your non binary status, it would be best if you look at our WIKI and see if you can find a more descriptive term to use. FFS wouldn't be wise for some non binary while it would be a good match for others.

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Dena yes that is true,  but indeed I got the concept  of non binary from the wiki,  along with gender fluid,
for myself I am more female than male though at times I don't feel very femmine  probably  because I am lurching  around in this hulking body and having spent a good part of  my life 30 yrs ( at least)  out in the bush with them.. conforming  and perhaps it is a lack of confidence  too
ffs for me is more important  than any other change other than the relief that Hrt as given me  as I feel it will bring my appearance  into line with my Spirit my mind
I have always believed  in a third gender and when younger wished I had been born been born with the attributes of female and male ....which probably  doesn't  make sense  to others but it does to me however the former is continely  expressed in nature but in humans is suppressed or at least used to be surgically.
from what I've read I tend to identify  with the Navaho  concept of two spirits so far.
But in the end when it's all said a done I just feel like me but heavily identify  with females 😊
I think perhaps  it may be better not to discuss this as it may lead to confusion...
.