Thinking out loud

[Drexy/Drex]

Hmmm had a unusual  experience today while my car was getting  a new sound  system fitted  ....i went for an hour of massage , i asked for just back legs and arms as i,m a bit shy about having a bare top these days ....so all was going well then the therapist  put my arm behind my back and lifted ....i thought uh oh  shes going to see ....anyway did the other arm  and then at the end of the massage asked me to lie on my back i had the towel handy so no problem  there but then she started massaging my uppper pecs (or whats left of them ....too close for comfort ..... i think she was curious .... her hands were going futher down😰 not big deal i guess cept my body suddenly  decided to make me aware of a new erogenous zone !! I couldn't  believe  .....havent  had any movement down there for months and even trying  to initiate didnt work...i was going to get the lelo out ......but all of a sudden  that area came alive i had to put my hads over my crotch  area  to hide what was going on underwear  and a towel was not going to be enough  ....,whew only got half way there .... but i never though that would happen ....i made sure my back was to her when i stood up.......never ever had something  like that happen to me even before hormones 
....noticed  the brother of my friend  looking at my top whe  i was standing sideways to him......i,m enjoying  the changes ......but it brings new challenges
Including  the new found intrest of a few woman  in camp including  gal's  who hardly ever spoke to me at previous  jobs .....i dont don't  get it
But now while its obvious  the invitations  ate there ......because of obivious  changes up top  .....i dont know what kind of reactions /reaction  i will get well at least after  todays incident  i know i would be able to perform😞

[Drexy/Drex]

At my doctors  appointment   today when he called me in he just used my surname and again when ordering  blood tests over the phone... I look forward  to my appointments with him  he's  such a cool guy no 5 min consult  with him! he complimented  me on my progress  he said he can't help but just gaze at me... as I just radiate  a calmness that is in stark contrast  to when he first met me.. when I was fighting  my male hormones....he touched a spot there his comment  was so accurate so strange  all those years of fear,anxiety, awkwardness  of  someone trying to be what they were not, I can now look back at that child  for who they were and how  they were crushed
I said to doc... I wished I had started  earlier he said  I usually  tell people not to go there.... If we could  have got to you when you were 18 ...but it was a moot point because  back then no-one really knew about this spectrum.. which for my part of the world  was very true
Hmm last time I was there he joculary suggested one day went might get me into a pink dress
Well yes sure would love to... but though ive stopped all body building  I've still got a back like a delta wing bomber😐
This time he remarked  that he wasn't sure about  my my heavy metal dress code and then chided himself saying he was not one to be able to comment  on fashion  .. .i replied  I just go with black... you can't go wrong  with black

Hmm back tracking  ...back in camp at work  I think I had moment with one of my coworkers workers
At the wetness  ....next day he was kinda annoyed  with me....and gruff and standoffish  but I just matched his manner I'm sure we will patch it up... I have to be more careful😳
I wonder if my sexuality  is drifting...

[LizK]

Hey Drexy (love the name)

Wow you have been a busy girl haven't you. The appointment with your Dr sounded interesting you mentioned that he only used your surname...did that bother you a bit? I don't like it when people do that top me and you can tell if its deliberate...its not too hard to pick up.

When I was 18 I sought out a counsellor who was the first to suggest the idea to me that I might be transsexual....I ran like hell...dove deeper into the bottle and decided on a conscious level that I could "beat this" (being trans)..well we both know the outcome LOL here I am transitioning. Do I regret running at 18 instead of dealing with it...yes and no I would not have had the family I now have and the amazing people I now have in my life if I had chosen to transition at 18...I still sometimes whimsically try to imagine my life if I had followed the advice of that first therapist...but I can never get past not having my wife and daughters in my life and that helps ease things when thinking about the decision I made at 18

We do what we have too, to get through...the "what if I had done this earlier a question/debate" has no way to really answer  and your Dr saying to "not go there" is wise advice indeed. 

Take care

Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Liz thanks for you insight .....yes how ironic your first contact was that is pretty impressive for the sth island way back then but I do understand diving into the bottle I spent over half my lift numbing myself with various substances.....
I guess in the end it's just karma
With my doctor just using my surname ....it was the first time ...and during our conversation he asked me if I had another name he smiled when I told him my most feminine name "Freya" that was bestowed on me by my stylist  and now friend ....hmmm. I'm not out just yet I'm actually waiting for my mates to misgender me and  or ask what's going on
But you know apart from that life is so much sweeter I'm so much in more communication with other people , I wouldn't swap this feeling for a million dollars ....
It's good to be at peace 😊
Oh I forgot during the ribald banter on the bus back to camp one of my roguish mates referred to me as ' bitch "  but it was kinda gentle  not condescending...

[LizK]

Oh I forgot during the ribald banter on the bus back to camp one of my roguish mates referred to me as ' bitch "  but it was kinda gentle  not condescending...

It kinda feels weirdly ok though...

Sounds like your Dr is onboard with you and the surname use was in deference to using a male name...that shows some real insight into our world.

I glad to hear you are feeling so good.

Take care

Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Yes spot on Liz 👌👍😊 that's it exactly  I think he might be doing a tag team with my
Psychiatrist ....she was badgering him about what was happening with me when I disappeared into Mexico  bless her ..... finally people who understand and care

[Drexy/Drex]

I'm having good days and ugly days.... sometimes  I look in the mirror  and I think good, them I will see my reflection in my ph or off a window  and it's bad.....
I guess i should  be grateful  that anything   old have been done with my old face but at least I have anew starting point for a cosmetic  surgeon  to start from.... It's like peeling back layers.... In that it has to be done carefully else of you go for gold from the start and mess it up then there nowhere to go from there
Like the song says "you can't always  get what you want
But if you try you might just find you get what you need"
Anyway not every caterpiller turns into a butterfly..... but at least you have your wings😉
It's my third week at this camp about 800 people most of which are male
I I now am getting  the concept of men's one track minds ....lots of testosterone
floating around here,  with the one track mind thing well I dress like a guy but I wear a lot of Jewellery and,  and I've  had my ffs.... but I'm still 6ft and though not powerfully  built any more... I still have the attitude  of when I was , Mmm maybe it's the earings.... or maybe I'm attracting closeted bi guys
We had a barbecue the other night and one of my workmates came up and started chatting  with me... I was enjoying  the conversation  ....but I was also nervous becuase  I was kinda attracted  to him
He,s a big stocky heavily tattooed  rough sort of guy...
It seems  that's the sort of man I'm attracted  to... Masculine  men...
Which kinda makes sense  as Markie was a big powerful masculine  man himself
It gets weirder because though I find the attraction  to these type of males
It's as a female and I think if I had the right plumbing and body I wouldnt  hesitate.... But if if I was to have grs  then I would  just be a plain looking big middle aged woman... and on the shelf
although  in these camps we have the "pilbara princess " syndrome
Where a woman who wouldn't  looked at twice in the city... Up here becomes  desirable
We all know why aye haha
now a year into Hrt I can see quite clearly what the primary  drive of men is....
On the good side my communication with others is so much better and I'm so calm mostly
Little social things dont bother me and I don't seem to mind not being dominant not exactly subordinate
but I'm finding I'm being slowly relegated to that anyway
By men... but at the same time being treated more gently?
I've notice a couple  of guys have had to pull themselves  back from touching  me in a familiar  amicable way
I tend not to look men in the eyes now it's just look straight  ahead and keep walking
One of the guys and a table I was at gave me a hostile look
but I could I could hear Markie in the background  murmur  don't worry we could  wipe the floor with him
....
My work shirts shrank and it's becoming  obvious to me what's happening  up top I can't put my ph in my top pocket because it gets pushed out too far it won't be long before they're  man boob's will not cut it anymore
Ho-hum  life goes on....

[JudiBlueEyes]

Good days and bad... It does take some time for us to mentally adjust to the "new" person we've become, or that we're finally letting the world see.  I understand you are in a highly charged community which will be quite the test, but it seems you're well known and respected.  From what I read things are going well.  You have much to be happy and proud of.  Hugs!
Judi

[Drexy/Drex]

Thx Judi ..... looking back  I see that you are right.....true for me coming out is a slow
process because I am giving the people that know me time to process my gradual change 😗

[LizK]

Hi Drexy

There is so much in that post of yours that I am not sure where to start.

I think it has to be tough to go through all the surgeries you have and get yourself starting to feel good about your feminine appearance only to have to hide it again when you return to work. I bet many of your colleagues are confused as to why they are suddnely attacted to you...your feminine ways shining through LOL

It is not at all weird thinking in the way you do...when I think about what attracts me I always come back to what it is that really gets my blood boiling and I have to admit its guys. Took me a long time to be able to say that  But....and  it's a big BUT... but only if they see me as female. I have always thought in these kind of terms. A guy wanting me because I have guy equipment is a turn off for me.


Our perception of how look and appear to others is always slow to catch up on the reality. Most of us seem to think we look way "worse" than many of those around us think. I suspect its difficult to know unless you are able to express your feminity in other ways or times. Maybe its time for Drexy to be out and about in the world? Just sayin 


Sounds like interesting times ahead at the very least


Take care

Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Mmmm Liz you hit the nail on the head..... that's me exactly. too.... in regard  to males  same same the idea of a guy wanting me for my male bits is revolting.... do you think we become  more emotional  as our journey  continues.... OMG I would  never have thought about getting  warm and fuzzy with a guy..... but I can't deny  it 😳 I find them entrancing  and alternativlely gross..... go figure....
Well I hope and pray  that you are right about our perceptions  of our selves.....btw you are looking  really good... ahhh hair maketh  the woman
Haha yes well Drexy is going to get a make over   in ten days or so and go out 😉
I think i will confuse the hell out of people lol 
😊which is just fine with me....

[LizK]

More power to you.....confuse the crap out of them!!!


I hear you and feel exactly the same way...I think most of the issues I have, are about my own prejudices towards men and that old hangover from my previous incarnation. But that again comes back to the way we actually feel about ourselves as well. I have to get used to the idea that being a woman attracted to guys is perfectly normal....and OK....and actually encouraged by society...I think I have always been attracted to men in the way you and I talk about but since I never ever knew it was possible I would not accept my attraction to men as a woman when being a woman was not possible for me but now its more about giving myself permission to be with a guy. It has this surprising yet familiar effect on me when I start thinking about guys and with girls to a much lesser extent...who knows maybe one day I will learn what all this fuss is about when it comes to sex LOL 

Take care

Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Yes well now our confusion has cleared... lots of guilt for me about my attraction  for a very long time but that has been  resolved  now as has with you😊
I may never find out for real but you will have the chance... 😉

Uh oh I was heading into the pit and heard a couple  of ops commenting over the 2way
all I heard was my surname from one and  the words Bruce Jenner  from the other... ( guy who called me as bitch)
😅
and the my supervisor  was taking me to unload some heavy equipment
While we were waiting  for the go ahead he was teasing  me about a a Nick name
due to my eyes and teeth... I joked along... and he said well at least  you have sense of humour
if it was a birthmark  or something  one wouldn't  comment.... but obviously  you want to stand out
Otherwise  it would be like a chick getting  a boob job and then getting  upset because people notice or look....
....coincidences?
Surely.... I don't dress or behave like a female...
My friend  did warn me as time goes on people  would treat me differently  and that it is almost  insidious the way it creeps up on you.... perhaps  FFS has hastened  that
..... I,m not ready  for prime time!!!! 😬😅😳😊

[Charlie Nicki]

Hey Drexy,

I enjoy your stories lol! It's fun to see how your interactions are changing along with your appearance. It's weird cuz I'm already full time yet I don't sense much of a change? Or maybe it's my freaking depression not letting me notice. Guys who didn't know me before do act differently, some are nicer and flirtatious. But the ones who know from before don't really know how to treat me lol.

[Drexy/Drex]

hi Charlie Niki.....
that's good 👍 well you know based on your previous app avatar and now your present one and you did mention your from Columbia it appears to me your young curvy and attractive 😊 and living in Sydney well looks like.you got.a lot going for you not wonder guys are.flirty with you !!
While people.around me.here are.robust and some are.crude and rough I seem to do okay in some ways I'm lucky w we have very strict.anti discrimination and harrasment rules
which keeps most in trim but there's always a way to get.around them if someone wants to
as a point one of the new starters is someone I worked with at another minesite after work in the iceroom I said do you remember me we worked at.blah blah and were at the bar talking about your daughter ....refreshed his memory by describing myself ....his reply ...too many chemicals under the bridge.....but he said I heard ..that you've changed.a lot (no kidding.🤣)
so long being while I might not hear of it ...tongues are wagging .....have to admit everyone's been good.considering the changes since.they last saw.me...ie.gong from a rough looking massive bodybuilder ....to whatever I am.....
Still I feel I have to be cautious......for.my own sake and out of consideration for the others around me ......anyway with my build ....be a long time before I could wear something female
Anyway everyone here is in work clothes and steel boots 13hrs a day.....
As far.as.men go.in these places there tends to be  a " every holes a goal" mentality 🙄
I dare say if I bounced up with a set of FF,s bolt on s and a skirt and makeup I'd blow a few minds ... including perhaps my own ....I showed that guy a former photo to jog his memory and his response loudly at the bar was " you were a good looking man !!! " So,s wheres leave.me...second time that's been said ....yuck

[Drexy/Drex]

Mmmm today at lunch one of the girls asked me in frt of everyone if I was a bit goth....yes I answered then she said ah yes explains the teeth then she asked why did I get my eyes tattooed.....I said mid life crisis....then she said ...are you sure....
ooooh ....I think they're closing in on me 😳🤔 what a delicious blend of reparte and trepidation.....gulp
I sure hope I get this right not just for me but for our community....
Hmmm looks like I'm not the only trans in the village.....bumped into her in the laundry.....I think I spooked her .....she went out and then came in again but then I startled a cis girl as well
Whew Judi is right ....this is a charged atmosphere.....

[JudiBlueEyes]

Interesting!!  People are more observant than we imagine I guess.  Sounds like you're still having fun  Don't panic, enjoy the moment.  It's what you've been waiting for.
Judi

[Drexy/Drex]

Awww your such a sweetie  Judi ....thank you 😚

[Charlie Nicki]

hi Charlie Niki.....
that's good 👍 well you know based on your previous app avatar and now your present one and you did mention your from Columbia it appears to me your young curvy and attractive 😊 and living in Sydney well looks like.you got.a lot going for you not wonder guys are.flirty with you !!
While people.around me.here are.robust and some are.crude and rough I seem to do okay in some ways I'm lucky w we have very strict.anti discrimination and harrasment rules
which keeps most in trim but there's always a way to get.around them if someone wants to
as a point one of the new starters is someone I worked with at another minesite after work in the iceroom I said do you remember me we worked at.blah blah and were at the bar talking about your daughter ....refreshed his memory by describing myself ....his reply ...too many chemicals under the bridge.....but he said I heard ..that you've changed.a lot (no kidding.🤣)
so long being while I might not hear of it ...tongues are wagging .....have to admit everyone's been good.considering the changes since.they last saw.me...ie.gong from a rough looking massive bodybuilder ....to whatever I am.....
Still I feel I have to be cautious......for.my own sake and out of consideration for the others around me ......anyway with my build ....be a long time before I could wear something female
Anyway everyone here is in work clothes and steel boots 13hrs a day.....
As far.as.men go.in these places there tends to be  a " every holes a goal" mentality 🙄
I dare say if I bounced up with a set of FF,s bolt on s and a skirt and makeup I'd blow a few minds ... including perhaps my own ....I showed that guy a former photo to jog his memory and his response loudly at the bar was " you were a good looking man !!! " So,s wheres leave.me...second time that's been said ....yuck

Thanks for the compliments babe! Well I haven't been able to enjoy much yet since I'm still trying to handle my feelings of depression.

Anyways, I didn't know you lived in Sydney! I was there last year for a couple of months and absolutely loved it. Beautiful city with friendly and gorgeous people. OMG the men are so hot.

[Drexy/Drex]

Your welcome  Charlie Niki.... actually I've only been to Sydney once or twice never really had a good look around I live in Perth when I'm not working away
I'm sorry to how about your depression though...I've been through that..was about ten years until I got the right help which turned out to be a srri (lexapro) and hrt I think hrt has had the most benefit though....I hope you can get a handle on that you're too young to waste your youth suffering .....chin up ....don't give up