Dysphoria Support for FTM Partner - help!

[MatildaBelle]

I am happier than I have ever been with a partner who loves and supports me. We have a great relationship, and I'm not interested in jeopardizing it in any way. That being said there is something I'm having trouble with.

My boyfriend is trans and he's found that sleeping with men is the best way to ease his dysphoria. He is open and up front with me about this and has never attempted to hide it in any way. If this is something that makes him feel better I want to support it, but I feel that more and more it is unbearable to deal with. Thinking of him with someone else is so hurtful and upsetting to me that I'm often in tears over it. It's sent me in to panic attacks once or twice.

I've talked to him about it before and told him that I'm having trouble with it. I've told him that I want to support him but that it's hurting me. He told me he'd think about it. I don't know what to do without harping on it and refusing something that's helping him. I get so angry about it, wondering sometimes why it's so hard for him to sleep with only one person while I and so many others can. If he's sleeping with other people, what makes us sleeping together any different? I'm tired of feeling self conscious, wondering how I measure up to the other people he's sleeping with. It's a cold, painful ache in my chest and once I get hung up on it, it's hard to shake. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know if I'm right to feel this way, or if I'm being difficult and overreacting.

[Elis]

No way are you being difficult. If your partner is doing something that makes you uncomfortable then it needs to be discussed. That's the only way relationships will work; by constant communication. I'm understanding of open relationships but they only work if both parties are comfortable with the other of sleeping with somebody else; which you are clearly not. From what you said he's being disrespectful about you; which is not healthy. Doesn't matter if he's cis or trans your feelings in a relationship are of equal importance to the other person. May be get him talking to a gender therapist or regular therapist would help.

[Jacqueline]

I want to welcome you to the site.

I will comment briefly then leave you some links.

I don't think you are being difficult. However, you suggested he has been up front about it all to you. If there is a relationship you two want to share, I would suggest you might try couples therapy.  I think Elis is right. The only way relationships work is through communication.

As painful as it seems, the question may be if he wants to be in a relationship with only you. I think the answer to that question and how important it is to each of you may well be what should be discussed in therapy.

I want to thank you for having the interest to sign up and ask advice from our community. I wish you love, acceptance and luck.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. While I have never been in a serious relationship, I feel as you do that I only want one partner and I expect the same from my partner. This is not true for everybody and some people desire more than one partner. The difference between the two of you will cause friction in your relationship and the only real solution to the problem may be couples consoling. If you are unable to reach an agreement I don't see this getting any better. I hope you and your partners will be able to resolve this conflict.

[Feminator]

Being or saying you are trans is NOT an excuse to sleep around. I really think this just is his way of justifying wanting to test the waters. This is real life not a soap opera so using this as a way to help hi dysphoria is not ok. He should be going to a therapist if he really wants to work on this.  If both of you agree to have an open relationship then that is fine, but it sounds like he wants you to be faithful while he is not. I would tell him you feel insecure and you feel better when you also sleep with others, it helps you deal with it, see what he says. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

[groudon18]

You deserve to be in a manogamous relationship if that's what you want, like many other people. It's good that he's open about it, but relationships are a two way street, and if it's tearing you apart he needs to know. If he cannot accept being with only you, try counseling as others stated, and if that doesn't work...

If it's also something he's just trying/getting out of his system you could also suggest going on a break, not seeing eachother, saying you can't be with him while he does this... maybe see if he appreciates you more and wants to be with you after being away for some time

[aislingofD]

To me, this feels like it's a personal issue, not a trans issue. Meaning that the issue has to do with you two as people. It sounds like a good, long talk is in order. Regardless of what they are going through, no one has the right to ask you to agree to something you are uncomfortable with. If you want monogamy, say so. If he can't handle that, then a reevaluation of the relationship is needed. A relationship is no good if one party is miserable. Open relationship can and have worked. But only if both sides are open to it. There's no shame in wanting monogamy, just like there's no shame in wanting polygamy or openness. But you have to be clear about just what it is you want.

I wish you the best of luck <3

[cheryl reeves]

Ask your boyfriend if he feels comfortable with you sleeping with other men. Bet he cries foul.