Welcome to the site.
I was in deep denial or clueless(not sure which but I think denial- I'm not so dumb). I did not realize that I was transgender till I hit 50, about a year and a half ago. I have been married for 26 years now with three teen daughters. I had the compulsion to cross dress and would buy or "borrow" things sporadically. Stuff I bought would soon get thrown away and "purged". I probably started that around 8 or 9. However, I didn't "Know I wanted to be a girl all my life," like you will often hear. Like you, women's pants have always fit me better.
My wife knew I was very depressed. She was thrilled when I decided to got see a therapist. I told her we would talk about my visits once I had nailed down some things for myself. I started going to therapy thinking I was a cross dresser. About 2-3 months later, I realized I am MTF transsexual. Then I prepped and we talked about it. She was not thrilled with the diagnosis but so happy I talked about it. She has been supportive so far. I have been on hormone therapy for almost 8 months and feeling much better mentally. I am not out at work or really socially. I only have one group I meet with, my therapist and my electrologist who see me dressed. However, I wear women's clothing that is similar to what I have always worn for day to day work. Don't know how far I will have to go or if our relationship will last but we are trying.
A small town does make things more difficult. arice has a good idea going to the Pride Centre as a start. I think therapy(in particular gender therapy if you can get it) is the best first step. I did a lot of sucking up and that is where I created my disconnected feelings. I did not even realize I was depressed. I thought everyone felt that way. Once you get into therapy, you can figure out what is going on with you then talk to your spouse. If you talk to her with no information, usually the worst scenarios are what can be jumped to.
I can only talk based on my experience. I can't tell you what to do. However, I hope from the advice you will find options and a way to move.
I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.
With warmth,
Joanna
Drop me a line if you have any questions. Once you reach the magical number of 15 posts and can private message, I have no problems with you contacting with questions or just needing an empathetic shoulder.
