UPDATE TIME
The IPL Device came a couple days ago. I tested it on the center of my chest, all 3 power levels. None of them hurt or left a mark, so today I went ahead and hit my neck, chest, and tummy with it. Wasn't too painful: kinda like the feeling of brushing against metal that's been sitting in the sun.
I intend to go after my neck beard before doing anything about the rest of my face, but I figured I might as well get the nipples, cleavage and tummy out of the way now, because I've never had any desire for hair down there, and something's always bothered me about even having stubble there.
I did get curious and hit my cheeks, and I understand why these things recommend against using them on the face: it pretty much lit up my sinuses to the point that I could see some light with my hand over my eye. It didn't hurt, but it was enough to scare me away from trying it more than once. I'll have to think about that when I get there.
In the meantime, I'll keep going and I'll tell you when I start noticing results. The box says that'll be 5 weeks away, so I'll see you all in November...