Guilt , anxiety & doubt after masturbation

[FuschiaLipstick]

Hello everyone... I don't even know where to start with this topic and I'm nervous even writing this so go easy on me about it. I always felt I was somewhat different due to many factors in life I left school at 15 ( 20 now), I wouldn't change with other boys to the point of wearing a wet underwear from swimming class all day long rather then change it because I felt different and teachers and students mocked me for it. Iv always wore make up since 14 , had coloured hair and most things feminine, sex disgusts me the act of it as of right now so Iv never really done much other then be on the receiving end of oral ( I don't find all male genitals attractive) but I do only like guys! Iv been considering I'm transgender ever since I was about 16 years of age... I went back and forth trying to be more masculine or what society deems as male but the trans feelings always felt like they would only be pushed down under for so long before erupting again, this led people who cared for me confused about who and what I am and what direction my life was going.. Iv finally made the decision to transition and am seeing medical professionals in the area but one thing bothers me when I'm horny right now as pre everything I do feel like I'm surpressing feeling dominant or to use my privates on another person in not the most female manner? I feel like I'm trying to ignore this urge as of now prior to hrt and after I climax ( I never act through with these sexual acts ) I feel so guilty and disgusted and scared that I may not be transgender because being honest Iv never felt so much joy finally having a description that defines what's been up with me all these years but this one area is almost trying to provoke uncertainty, I want SRS and almost every other procedure if it was offered to me though I do deem FFS more important then SRS in many ways, as of now I don't have genital dysphoria but would imagine on hrt it would push my goal to feel complete and a penis wouldn't help ( for those of you who can rock it that's great for you ) but for me I'd want it all but I don't want to feel dominant I notice this only occurs when I talk to gay guys ( not straight ) I'd really like advice on this thanks !

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Well, being a top or a bottom has nothing to do with male or female, so keep that in mind.

Also, being very feminine does not make you a woman any more than being very masculine makes you a man.

The way we get this way implies a lot of variation so you just have to figure out what works uniquely for you, there isn't a set program. If you don't feel genital dysphoria--great! Dysphoria over your genitals sucks! And plenty of trans women never go in for SRS, dysphoric or otherwise. Be aware, though, that your genitals will change on HRT. You are also going to start growing breasts. If you're okay with that, great. But you can't pick and choose your changes.

ETA: your sexual response will change on HRT. It will move away from being so focused on your phallus and start to encompass more of your body. Because of this, on HRT you may find that these sexual fantasies or obsessions that trouble you so much go away on their own.

[CarlyMcx]

This is actually something I've experienced myself back in the day and heard about a lot from MTF transgender folks.  You fall in love with the male orgasm and use it so much as an escape from stress and reality that it causes you to doubt that you are transgender.

The good news is, there is no wrong answer to this.  First, masturbating a lot is a pretty common coping mechanism for dealing with the dysphoria.   Second, there is no rule or law that says you have to have bottom surgery.  If you like what you have, you can keep it. 

The fact is, sexuality and gender have little or nothing to do with each other, and gender has nothing to do with what is between your legs.  So stop worrying about the sex part of it, and focus on finding your true gender and your happiness.

[Virginia Hall]

Hello everyone... I don't even know where to start . . .

I feel so guilty and disgusted and scared that I may not be transgender because being honest Iv never felt so much joy finally having a description that defines what's been up with me all these years but this one area is almost trying to provoke uncertainty, I want SRS and almost every other procedure if it was offered to me though I do deem FFS more important then SRS in many ways, as of now I don't have genital dysphoria but would imagine on hrt it would push my goal to feel complete and a penis wouldn't help ( for those of you who can rock it that's great for you ) but for me I'd want it all but I don't want to feel dominant I notice this only occurs when I talk to gay guys ( not straight ) I'd really like advice on this thanks !

People of transition have more than their share of guilt thrown at them. They have their wrongness rubbed in their faces.

One of the first things my therapist asked was about relationships with men and if there was any guilt about homosexuality that I had internalized. One of the first things I heard was, "you don't have to be a woman to have sex with a man." I answered I wanted to transition whether or not I ever had sex with anyone or not! I would be fine with never having an orgasm again so long as I could get the SRS. I'd pay that price!

Women are not always dominated, either. One partner can dominate another irrespective of body.

But you also said you want SRS and FFS and have tried to fem yourself which is consistent with being MTF trans. In my limited experience, gay guys are not automatically attracted to trans women and some trans women get dumped after SRS by men (or women).

You are wise to ask the questions you brought here. I am not a therapist and even a therapist would likely not try to make a diagnosis based on a posting on a board, but I don't think you are off the rails. What I hear is someone who is trying to find their way.

This board may be a place to start that exploration.

[Jacqueline]

Hello everyone... I don't even know where to start with this topic and I'm nervous even writing this so go easy on me about it. I always felt I was somewhat different due to many factors in life I left school at 15 ( 20 now), I wouldn't change with other boys to the point of wearing a wet underwear from swimming class all day long rather then change it because I felt different and teachers and students mocked me for it. Iv always wore make up since 14 , had coloured hair and most things feminine, sex disgusts me the act of it as of right now so Iv never really done much other then be on the receiving end of oral ( I don't find all male genitals attractive) but I do only like guys! Iv been considering I'm transgender ever since I was about 16 years of age... I went back and forth trying to be more masculine or what society deems as male but the trans feelings always felt like they would only be pushed down under for so long before erupting again, this led people who cared for me confused about who and what I am and what direction my life was going.. Iv finally made the decision to transition and am seeing medical professionals in the area but one thing bothers me when I'm horny right now as pre everything I do feel like I'm surpressing feeling dominant or to use my privates on another person in not the most female manner? I feel like I'm trying to ignore this urge as of now prior to hrt and after I climax ( I never act through with these sexual acts ) I feel so guilty and disgusted and scared that I may not be transgender because being honest Iv never felt so much joy finally having a description that defines what's been up with me all these years but this one area is almost trying to provoke uncertainty, I want SRS and almost every other procedure if it was offered to me though I do deem FFS more important then SRS in many ways, as of now I don't have genital dysphoria but would imagine on hrt it would push my goal to feel complete and a penis wouldn't help ( for those of you who can rock it that's great for you ) but for me I'd want it all but I don't want to feel dominant I notice this only occurs when I talk to gay guys ( not straight ) I'd really like advice on this thanks !

I think a lot of what you describe is typical for many of us who are not sure who/what we are. I too have felt the guilt and revulsion. I think the first real important step is to begin therapy. A good therapist(hopefully trained in gender ) can help guide you through to make self realizations.

Welcome to the site. I hope you find some of what you are looking for.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to read the first several stickies:


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[jackiemitchell91]

Really awesome post! Something I've been wondering about and feeling ashamed of for years.. I hate that I feel so guilty afterwards.. just makes me more insecure.. great post and even better comments! Wow era!

[MelissaB]

Very interesting post.  I know I have struggled with guilt and anxiety after masturbating, though for me I think the guilt was the other way around. 

My first sexual "feeling" happened when I was fairly young.  I remember getting a peek at a porno and strongly identifying with the woman.  I wanted to be her when having sex.  I usually always fantasize that I am female when masturbating, but then feel guilty for doing that once I achieve orgasm and release.

So I guess for me my desire to be female is strongly tied to a desire to have sex as a female.  I read in one of the other replies that someone's therapist stated you didn't need to become a woman to have sex with a man.  This is true, but even so there is a big difference between having sex with a gay man and someone that identifies as straight or bi and views the person they are sleeping with as being female.  At least based on my personal experience

Long story short I would say just relax.  Your not hurting anyone so just go with the flow.  There is nothing to feel guilty about.

[LizK]

This came up in therapy for me and my therapist shot me down in about 2 seconds flat..."I can't be trans because I masturbate too much and feel guilty about it"...It is one of those things that most people are too embarrassed to ask but one of the simple truths that if you don't know then can lead to all types of anguish. It is a bit like the who whole sex and gender issue that keeps being mixed up together.

Liz