The Sands of Time

[Nero]

Anyone else have the internal, torturous hourglass?

I've had it longer than I could remember. As a child, my greatest fear was growing up. After age 10, every birthday was excruciating. I refused to have birthday parties. I didn't want a cake. No acknowledgement at all. Mother would insist on a cake, but I refused to turn 12.
As birthdays approached, my heart filled with terror. I couldn't get older. I couldn't grow up.  Every birthday, every new schoolyear insulted my sensibilities.

I'dve sooner died than grow up. This had to be some kind of dress rehearsal for some epic masterpiece. This couldn't be my life -God couldn't be that cruel. One day I would wake up, and MY life would begin.

But the sands fell slowly to the bottom. They continue to fall to this day. My time is running out, my rotting heart ferments, greasing my flesh.

[shanetastic]

I hate getting older to be honest too Nero hehe.

It already feels like I haven't done enough these last nineteen years, that I can't stand anymore coming on!  Also, the responsibility of a career and everything scares me right now.  I can't really picture myself outside of college and in the real world.  It's hard to even consider a picture of me growing older as well.

You know, one of those feelings where you don't want to get old after seeing all the junk that it brings.  I'd just rather stay right in the prime at like sixteen or something   The star age.  Having your license and no worries because parents aren't used to you working and everything.  Ahhhh, how I already miss three years ago hehe.

I guess that's just life though Nero.  It's never going to slow down and wait for you to catch up is how I picture it.  Only thing you can do is try to make the most of it I suppose, but even then that's sometimes not enough.  I know the feeling, that emptyness and full of like nothing.  Just sort of like living in the day, and those days turn into years, and nothing changes except you getting older and slowly disintegrating. 

[Pica Pica]

I hated being young. I hated being short and not knowing much about anything and being ignored. I hated being a teenager more, I hated old ladies being frightened of me because of my age, I hated feeling dirty and wrong in some way. I loved it when I began to feel myself awakening at about the age of 17, I loved it growing. It still grows, the world is a frightening and big place, but I'll grow into it. I trust the progression of time to see me through.

[Ms Bev]

I have a keen sense of time also, but oddly, I like my present age.  I just don't like its position on my personal timeline.  Too far from the beginning, and too close.  Just too damned close to the other end.

Bev

[LynnER]

Miles travled eventualy wear you out...
And time like hope eventualy runs out...

Now the questions is... what do you do when youve travled too many miles, and have run out of hope and all thats left is time?

[buttercup]

Miles travled eventualy wear you out...
And time like hope eventualy runs out...

Now the questions is... what do you do when youve travled too many miles, and have run out of hope and all thats left is time?

That's a very good question LynnER.  We can only run on hope for so long, and when that's gone, then what??  Mine is running out way before time, boy, I must sound depressed!! 

[Wing Walker]

I never had any problem with the passage of time.  I learned long ago that there are things that I cannot fight and the passage of time is one of them, so I acquiesced to its influence on me.  That doesn't mean that I don't fight it.  I color my hair like it was when I was 17 and use makeup to hide the age and bring out the youth. 

Sure, our time here is way too short, especially for me after my transition.  I'd love to be younger but being 56 ain't so bad by me.

May I always accept the things that I cannot change,
Have the courage to change that which I can change,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Wing Walker
Flying Until Permanently Grounded

[lisagurl]

My time is running out, my rotting heart ferments, greasing my flesh.

If you want to look at it that way figure the less time you will have to spend with society.

[Nero]

Why do I even bother? No one ever gets what I'm talking about. Everybody takes things so literally.
I'm not talking about the mortality that every human faces. I'm talking about living a life stuck in the wrong gender, and knowing that time may run out before I can make things right.

Posted on: November 01, 2007, 03:40:17 PMIt's time I quit hoping other transpeople understand. it's time I accepted that no one understands.

[lisagurl]

Everybody takes things so literally.

The printed word is not good enough communication, it needs more than electronic marks, it needs sound and face expression, body language. Maybe if you wrote literally you would get a straight answer.

[Nero]

Everybody takes things so literally.

The printed word is not good enough communication, it needs more than electronic marks, it needs sound and face expression, body language. Maybe if you wrote literally you would get a straight answer.

I thought it was clear enough. Your reply wasn't so bad. it's not the printed word, it's me. I'm a fool to think anyone would ever understand. I have to face it, I truly am alone on this planet.

[lisagurl]

I have to face it, I truly am alone on this planet.

Everyone is alone on this planet, on the inside. You do not know me from an alien. Thoughts are more than words. To know is to have experience. In this chaos it is "time" that starts to put a pattern on things. How could anyone know you as good as you know yourself? Look for the connections not the miscues.

[Doc]

Why do I even bother? No one ever gets what I'm talking about.

Naw. I get you.

I hated being a child. I hated the helplessness of it. I longed to grow up. I think I believed, without words but really believed, that I would grow out of my gender problems when I grew up. But I didn't. I've always wanted to be an adult and don't really feel like one at 32. I'm still somehow stuck in the awkward teen phase, not knowing how to fit into the world.

The person I admired most as a kid (and now, though he's dead) was an old man, and I use to look forward to being old. What slipped my mind was that I would become an old woman. And I can't stand that thought. A thought that is now at the forefront.

I'm not afraid to grow old as me, and I'm not afraid to die. But I am afraid to die without ever having lived whole, and every day brings me closer to that. Tick tock. I am Jack's wasted life.

[Laura Elizabeth Jones]

I never had any problem with the passage of time.  I learned long ago that there are things that I cannot fight and the passage of time is one of them, so I acquiesced to its influence on me. 

Exactly. My only regret is that I did not start tranistioning sooner. Oh well, better late than never.

[Nero]

I have to face it, I truly am alone on this planet.

Everyone is alone on this planet, on the inside. You do not know me from an alien. Thoughts are more than words. To know is to have experience. In this chaos it is "time" that starts to put a pattern on things. How could anyone know you as good as you know yourself? Look for the connections not the miscues.

alllrighty then!

[LynnER]

I was talking about both life in general and TS issues sence they seem to revolve around and intertwine with eachother.....

[Ms Bev]

Many of us, not that it's right, tend to see things through their own egocentric filters, and follow their own stream of consciousness.  I think that happened to me when "my rotting heart ferments, greasing my flesh" derailed my train of thought.  Sorry.  Please don't think you are the only one here who is sensitive to metaphors and other communication tools, or has the capacity to understand.  I do, and I'm sorry for your situation.

Bev

[Suzy]

Nero, your post reminds me of these lyrics by Jim Croce:

Time In A Bottle

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

Kristi

[Nero]

Many of us, not that it's right, tend to see things through their own egocentric filters, and follow their own stream of consciousness.  I think that happened to me when "my rotting heart ferments, greasing my flesh" derailed my train of thought.  Sorry.  Please don't think you are the only one here who is sensitive to metaphors and other communication tools, or has the capacity to understand.  I do, and I'm sorry for your situation.

Bev

Thanks.
I didn't mean no one had the capacity to understand, I meant that I am alone in my feelings.

Posted on: November 02, 2007, 04:26:32 AM

Why do I even bother? No one ever gets what I'm talking about. Everybody takes things so literally.
I'm not talking about the mortality that every human faces. I'm talking about living a life stuck in the wrong gender, and knowing that time may run out before I can make things right.

Posted on: November 01, 2007, 03:40:17 PMIt's time I quit hoping other transpeople understand. it's time I accepted that no one understands.

You are wrong to snarl at those who try to comfort you, even if they did it because they did not understand you. every kind word someone says to you is a gift. all that is required of you is that you accept it, and enjoy it.

so, chill, baby!

-ell

I'm sorry, everyone. I didn't mean to snap at everybody. I just desperately wanted to hear that someone else had felt the same way, that it wasn't just me.
I'm really sorry.

[shanetastic]

despite my post Nero, I still claim that I understood your analogy