Hey, guys.
I'm a 27 year old, female born of an overall uncertain gender.
I really hope what I say doesn't come across as offensive to the transgender community. My social abilities kind of suck in general, but chances are, if I say something bad, I'd rather be corrected gently than be seen as someone who wants to harm people (which I don't). I'm autistic, and I feel this is part of the learning process (being corrected gently).
I sort of identify as female socially...sort of. Yet my physical body feels very wrong. I feel like I should be male physically, male genitalia and all, but I also don't like "he" pronouns. I prefer "she". I guess I sort of feel like a guy, but also I want to dress and present as female. The very best description I can give, with what little I know, is that I would be happiest as a drag queen in the spotlight, but outside of the spotlight, I don't need to be glamorous, but I do still need to dress feminine, and considered feminine. There have been times I've considered transition, but I have no idea how to tell a gender therapist or a doctor all this stuff without worrying that I'll be laughed at or not taken seriously. I'm also TERRIFIED that I'll be discriminated against. If I end up clearly being a male who is clearly dressed as a female, what happens then? I'm not as strong as some people, and WAY too sensitive for my own good. So many TG people are discriminated against, still, and I may not handle it as well as some people do. I've tried to weigh the possibilities... To transition? Not to transition? I know I need to do what makes me happy, and what would make me happy is being physically a guy who presents as female and uses female pronouns. I just don't know if there's a term for that at all.
Aside from the fact that transitioning has a lot of money costs...costs that I can't yet pay due to gynecological problems that literally keep me from working (I've had my period and debilitating pain for 10 months straight, non-stop, and doctors don't yet know why exactly it's so persistent, aside from PCOS and god knows what else...sorry for the TMI), and psychological issues, like bipolar, autism and SEVERE anxiety, that make it very difficult to work right now. So on top of feeling useless and broken in so many ways (I'm probably infertile and I can't work right now) I'm also living in a body I don't really like. Mostly, I do kind of want to go through with transitioning, but I feel like I can't tell my parents, even if I could eventually pay. I struggled so much in the past with gender identity. First I thought I was just regular FTM, then maybe androgyne, then maybe just a girl...but none of that was exactly it. Some were closer than others. Now, when I presented as very male when I was 18, and trying to find who I was, I was also struggling with meds and with my bipolar disorder, which I'm struggling with less now. Yet, even though I'm fine now and on the right meds, every time I tell my family anything, or try to tell them anything about possible transition, they say, "Well, we'll love you either way...but are you sure you're not manic?" It's just really upsetting having my gender identity be "mental illness" in my mom and aunt's minds.
I don't know what to do. I actually went as far as messaging a transgender YouTuber because I didn't know who to talk to, and was too frightened for a while to actually post anywhere. Not long after, I did post this (as I am now), but I will say I'm still really, really scared. I don't want to be seen as a troll, or someone who is mocking, because I am NONE of those things. I just need help.
