I just finished reading Joy Ladin's book, Through the Door of Life, a Jewish Journey Between Genders. I have it 5 stars. Currently the Jewish faithful are observing Yamim Noraim, the Days of Awe--the 10 days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Some calls these the days of repentance.
Repentance usually flows out of guilt--an emotion that is almost universal. Only psychopaths and sociopaths are said to have psychologies that shrug off guilt or believe that there is no such thing as remorse.
Because most people feels guilt, people who suffer from GID feel guilty for these feelings and/or are made to feel guilty for them, especially if we try to act on them. The author of the book tried to sweep her GID under the rug. Maybe it would go away. She tried to live the life of a boy and a man as her faith demanded given her genitalia. She even married another woman and had children with her wife.
But then things began to go wrong. She could not go on. The marriage began to sour. And guess what everyone said? It was her fault and that she was betraying her wife by wanting to express her own femaleness which, of course, was the monopoly of her wife, Her wife would not share that with Joy. Joys expressed the need to transition and it was framed as something selfish Joy "wanted" to do.
When a bird flies south at the change of the seasons, is the bird selfish in "wanting" to do this? Selfish birds gathering in flocks. Or is it programmed somewhere inside. Should we shame the bird for heading south?
Joy's wife got a divorce and heaped all the upheaval of that on Joy and took no responsibility for breaking up the marriage. It was 100% Joy's fault and Joy's wife was the hapless victim. She even got the kids thinking that way and even got Joy to take on that guilt when the kids question Joy why she caused all that woe. Why couldn't daddy stay a "man?" Ok, why couldn't mommy become lesbian?Why must Joy bear it all? What an operator!
Some spouses snarl, "I didn't sign up for this!" No. Probably not. But people DO as in "I do," signup for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer . . .
And Joy does not say anything bad about her wife in the book.
Everything that goes wrong is the transitioners fault, right? Guilt prevents many from crying bull pucky! Maybe she should not have married and had kids. Then the kids would not be there to throw it in Joy's face and say how miserable they were. No. They simply would have never existed.
I am tired of carrying the guilt because my existence turned out to be an inconvenience. I have no children. I never as a father. And maybe that's why I see the wool that's being pulled over a lot of people's eyes.
Guilt is a tough one. Our religions spread that around. Let's all be careful. Let's not be greedy. Let's share that guilt with all who are involved. Let's not keep it all for just ourselves.
