An update on me...

[Michelle_P]

My sense of humor seems to have deteriorated recently.  I may not be thinking completely straight.  There's a reason for that.

I was one of those folks who thought that they might be able to transition and keep their family together, fueled by fantasies of the spouse and I just being comfortable platonic roommates (which we were before I came out...), and perhaps shopping with my daughter ("We'll go into Forever 21 right after I check out the sale at Talbot's...")

Nope.

My spouse lives in fear of seeing me as myself, and worse, my being seen by her friends or our neighbors.  I can't be myself at home, and we go through a ritual of text messages when I leave or return.  This is causing her much anxiety, to the point where she asked me to leave after the holidays.  Presumably I would hover around the holiday feasts like Banquo's ghost.  I had posted on this a bit a week ago.

Well, the schedule has been advanced a bit.  I've been asked to be out by November 1.  She likes the idea of a hard deadline.  We'll be doing a straightforward mediated divorce.  California law is clear on how we have to proceed, so the biggest issue is who gets the coffee grinder.  (I do.)

Meanwhile, besides dismantling myself at home, I now am dismantling 40 years of my life.  I'm sorting through and stripping down my library, giving away tools (table saws are inappropriate in a small condo...), trying to pack away my little engineering lab, and so on.  I'm also searching real estate ads and websites, making appointments to see apartments, and such.  Oh, and I'm also opening new credit and checking accounts and preparing to close old ones.

You know, the usual...

I'd be numb with depression if I wasn't so damn busy.  But I've got to do this.  It's not enough to take me down.


"There's a moment that changes a life when
We do something that no one else can
And the path that we've taken will lead us:
One final stand."
- "I May Fall", Jeff Williams

And once I'm past this point, those good days will be my every days.

[LizK]

Keep Positive Michelle_P

You are doing an amazing job with your life and don't let anyone tell you differently...

Liz

[Sophia Sage]

I know it sucks, because I've gone through this.  I had one or two days notice, something ridiculous.

It can be framed as death and rebirth, Michelle, and an opportunity to catch some of that "lost time."  First, the death and disintegration.  It was a time to mourn what was lost, namely a particular relationship.  And digging through old boxes and files, I was suddenly filled with the urge to purge as much as I could.  If I was stepping out on my own, I wasn't going to drag anything from the past if I had to.  It made moving easier, both in terms of not having so much to schlep into the my new place, but I also felt lighter, freer, spiritually speaking.  I chucked an awful lot of old memories, because they were not going to serve me, my purposes or intentions.  And I cried like the dickens.

However, I discovered when I got my own place was that I could create an environment that was best for me to do the work I had to do.  It's another step in transition.  A place to play with your own sense of style and femininity.  I didn't bring any decorations with me, so I went out and got the stuff that I always wanted but was too scared to get before.  Alphonse Mucha posters. A few cute knick-knacks. A pretty bedspread.  Some cute dishware.

I created an "altar" in the bedroom (it was actually a set of shelves built into the wall) and it's here I let my inner little girl have reign.  A Barbie doll.  Ribbons and hair ties and barrettes.  A little stuffed animal.  Some pretty rocks.  A vanilla candle.  A picture of Prince.  A comic strip cut out from the newspaper.  This is eventually where I'd put my collages and diary. 

Two bedrooms, one for an office.  The closets were all mine.  I could have friends over.  Do all my own housekeeping.  Watch my own shows, and keep my own hours.  I got a sewing machine, bought some fabric, and made my own drapes.  Kept the comfy couch. 

This is the nest I made, and it's where I was when I had SRS.  I felt so safe, so secure, so comfortable.  I'm so, so grateful I did all that for myself.  And now I'm crying happy tears at the memory, so I'll leave it at that.

[EmilyMK03]

Well, the schedule has been advanced a bit.  I've been asked to be out by November 1.  She likes the idea of a hard deadline.  We'll be doing a straightforward mediated divorce.  California law is clear on how we have to proceed, so the biggest issue is who gets the coffee grinder.  (I do.)

Michelle, I think this is actually a good thing.  In fact, when you had posted earlier about waiting until after the holidays, I almost wanted to urge you to move out ASAP instead.  The sooner you move out, the better.  There is no sense in dragging out the inevitable - it's just more painful for everyone.

The good news is that, as Sophia Sage described so well, you will soon be free to blossom.  And you will!  Best wishes to you!

[EmilyAlyssa]

Like Sophia, I see my upcoming exodus into living alone as a rebirth - a chance to create my own environment to transition in...a place to live openly as Alyssa and not part-time as me and my Franken-boy creation. Granted, I have already emerged on the other side of the emotional aspects of my most recently failed relafionship, so I don't have to do both simultaneously...but perhaps focusing on 100% letting you be YOU in an environment completely controlled by you would be a great thing.

Best to you,

Alyssa

[Rachel]

Hi Michelle,

I am sorry you are feeling down. You are dealing with a lot right now.

The reality is that the current situation is emotionally difficult for both of you.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Sophia!  Great post, and it's giving me ideas.  Lots of ideas.  (Dangerous, that!)

Emily, you are absolutely right.  I think I referred to my lingering through the holidays as being like Banquo's ghost, the departed looming over the feast to dampen everyone's spirits.  Gone is gone!  So, I'm definitely working on it.

Emily Alyssa, that Frankenstein-boy creation?  Yeah, it's a funny phrase, but eerily accurate for the persona we construct out of bit and pieces, stitched together to give an imitation of life.  I just hate it when it goes all "Bride of Frankenstein", grabs the Big Switch, and insists "We belong DEAD."  Nope. Nope nope nopity nope.

I'm definitely taking control of my life.

And yes, Rachel, it is rough on both of us, and our 25 year old daughter, who gets to see us falling apart.  There's no hostility, we are discussing things sanely and rationally, and hopefully we will remain friendly through and after this process of dismantling our combined lives.

I can hope.  That's a good sign, I think.

Oh, and my top choice condo is still available, and I'll be meeting with the realtor at 5 today to look at the place.  I hope this goes well.

Thanks,
Michelle

[EmilyAlyssa]

Yes, my Franken-boy has served his questionable purpose and has to go lol!   It seems as though you have a very good grasp on everything you are dealing with and I am betting you will come out on the other side stronger and more in control.

Sending you girl power vibrations through the ether,

Alyssa

[Sno]

I think it was the bank teller, in a coffee shop, armed with a fine leather boot.

*sorry, wrong game*

Michelle, be strong, be bold, be proud, be you.


Sno.

[Vervain]

I am so sorry, Michelle. I haven't had that experience personally, because everyone in my life so far (except my father, but screw him) has been super supportive. My fiancee, though, just came out to me and the polyfamily this week. I've known her for over a decade, and I had suspected she was trans by a lot of little tells. My girlfriend Nameera, who had been involved with her previously, remembers a time around 2000 when Thorne broke down in tears, telling her that she hated being male, she hated having a penis, and she felt like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

Nameera went to Thorne's wife of the time, Cat, and told her about this. Cat freaked out, accused Nameera of lying, insisted that Thorne was "all man", and that if she was wrong and Thorne decided to transition, Cat would divorce her, take the children, and Thorne would never see them again. As they were living in the Deep South, Cat probably could have done just that.

So Thorne coming out was a big deal, and our polyfamily and close circle of trusted friends have been nothing but accepting of her. We love her, and we love that she now feels she can be open about who she is, even if she's scared. I hate what was done to her by her ex-wife and family of origin, and I hate what your wife is doing to you.

I wish that this wasn't happening to you. I'm glad that you're able to roll with the punches, make plans, and that you're staying true to yourself in spite of all this. I hope that you will be able to share custody and still have time with your daughter, and that she will be supportive of you through your transition. I wish for all the good things for you, and you have my total support.

*hugs and cookies offered*

[Michelle_P]

Ooooh!  Cookies!  Accepted! 

Thank you, Vervain. It sounds like you and your family are providing an accepting and safe environment for Thorne, and I think that is truly a wonderful act on the part of all of you.

I'm handling this OK. I know that in the past I have had some wonderful days just being myself, and soon those days will be my every days. That thought helps me focus on moving forward, and avoiding a crash into depression.

I just got some wonderful news. I've been offered a one year lease on my first choice condo. [emoji4]. That helps. Oh and I've got therapy in 30 minutes and a pumpkin spice latte to finish now. I has a happy. [emoji8]


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[Sinclair]

Best wishes Michelle. I have been isolated from my family to some degree, and since my divorce I have been living alone. But, I'm not lonely. I'm actually happy. I have my own place and I'm free to explore and express myself -- with new friends. The family stuff I'm still working on, but I feel free.

[Michelle_P]

More updatey stuff...

At my therapist session, I started my Official Full Time Real Life Test Experience Clock.  Or whatever that one year gatekeepy thing is called. I think my therapist was happy with how I'm processing my recent life events.  I am.  (8 months ago I would have been wallowing in depression.  Now, I know things can and will get better.  Hope is a wonderful antidepressant.  Plus I'm keeping too damn busy to dive down that block hole.)

Anyway, she then told me that I'd be able to get my letters in the spring for SRS, which would be in early 2018.  So, I now have a timeline, however nebulous, to follow.

This has me in a good mood.  I see a way forward.


In other news, I mentioned that the endocrinologist wanted me on HRT of a year before she'd sign the docs to get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate, passport, and drivers license.  The therapist said that starting HRT was sufficient in this state, and that I should submit the documents.  If there's any pushback she'll get a doc at the transgender specialty program to sign off for me!  So, I might officially be Michelle in a few months!

Now I just have to go shopping for apartment furniture.  Hello, IKEA...  Oh, and there's this really big closet off the bedroom that looks ever so empty...

I'm gonna need a budget.

[PrincessCrystal]

This is an opportunity to do it up super-girly with pink upholstery, fluffy pillows, and hearts and flowers and butterflies everywhere.  I know when I started transitioning, I went out and acquired a bunch of soft plushie material for my bed, girl clothing and accessories for my cute-girl wardrobe, and a ton of plushies to keep me company.  I also set up my My Little Pony merchandise around the room, among other minor things.  My room is now a girl-space, albeit a messy one, and I love being able to bask in that when I need to get away from the daily dysphoria.

Indulge yourself in your home life!  It really helps to have that super-girly space to come home to when you're feeling down. :3

[KathyLauren]

Hey, Michelle, congratulations on going full-time!  And I love the new photo!

[PrincessCrystal]

Yeah, you're starting to pass pretty well too.  I feel like hormones will do wonders on you...

[Michelle_P]

Wow!  You gals are great. And way too kind!  But thanks, anyway!

I really do have my own style I intend to put on the apartment, but like my wardrobe, it's not really 'girly'.  Think more like a 60's Mod style with very clean lines, bold patterns, and solid colors. Remember Mrs Emma Peel in the old British series "The Avengers"?  Like that. [emoji16]


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[Michelle_P]

So right now I've just signed the lease, have the keys for my bachelorette pad, and am running amuck in Ikea furnishing the place. All chrome and glass and white, with a funky deep blue sofa. When I finish my coffee, I'll go forth and accessorize. Bright bold colors, over sized geometric patterns. Nothing like what I had in my old place.

I also have a special box packed for my last trip from the old place. It has the last of the sad old mans clothes, and I'll be dropping that off at Goodwill on the way home.


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[LizK]

So right now I've just signed the lease, have the keys for my bachelorette pad, and am running amuck in Ikea furnishing the place. All chrome and glass and white, with a funky deep blue sofa. When I finish my coffee, I'll go forth and accessorize. Bright bold colors, over sized geometric patterns. Nothing like what I had in my old place.

I also have a special box packed for my last trip from the old place. It has the last of the sad old mans clothes, and I'll be dropping that off at Goodwill on the way home.


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Walking on Sunshine blaring away in the background

                    

It must be party time for you.....

Enjoy
Liz

[HappyMoni]

Hi Michelle,
   I am a little late to the party here, posting on your thread, but I have a few comments. You are being very strong in dealing with the adversity of the recent past. It can't be easy to move on as you are doing. You are inspirational. Thanks for sharing your story. Oh, I like your new picture. You are looking awesome. Keep on keepin on!
Moni