An update on me...

[Anne Blake]

Hello Michelle,

Such a story! My heart goes out to you in the loss of your marriage but I am also so impressed by the strength and resolve that you are showing in how you are coming out of it. Just half of your story would crush me. You are choosing to not fall into the black hole but rather, be born anew! Thank you for the awesome example that you are sharing. Go girl! And remember, we are there for you, just ask.

Anne

[Michelle_P]

Walking on Sunshine blaring away in the background

                    

It must be party time for you.....

Enjoy
Liz

Um, not exactly.

I have inertia.  I can be hard to get moving (Right, Cindy?), but once in motion I'm hard to stop.

Right now I'm in motion, but there's a sort of grimdark thing going on.  Anyone remember "The Prisoner"? (OK, I have a thing for 60's Brit-TV.). The opening titles?  Yeah, that's me.  Very determined, but who knows where I'll wake up the next morning.



I imagine I'll feel more upbeat in time.  Maybe the November meetup of Diablo Valley Girls. 

[LizK]

Ok so will skip the dancing ...hope you are feeling better about things soon and they start turning around for you...

Hugs
Liz

[Sinclair]

Hello Michelle,

Such a story! My heart goes out to you in the loss of your marriage but I am also so impressed by the strength and resolve that you are showing in how you are coming out of it. Just half of your story would crush me. You are choosing to not fall into the black hole but rather, be born anew! Thank you for the awesome example that you are sharing. Go girl! And remember, we are there for you, just ask.

Anne

I agree. From the first time I posted here I found inspiration from Michelle. Just the fact she posts RL photos .. I'm not there yet. I'm close, but, since my divorce I really don't know how I would take any negative comments. So, I'm just continuing to trans quietly behind the scenes, and hope my first pic here will be a positive experience for me.

[Michelle_P]

Today was a busy one.  Availability of a larger vehicle (anything is larger than a Miata) to haul stuff, and HOA rules against weekend move-ins left me to stuff boxes and haul a** to move as much as I could today.  I think I moved about 40 boxes via Prius, luggage cart/hand truck, through doors and elevators and hallways and traffic jams (CalTrans, no relation, decided to rip up the interstate all day).

That still left a huge pile of junk here that the spouse wanted gone ASAP.  Good thing there's a scrap metal and e-waste hauler visiting the neighborhood in the morning.  Early morning.  Dawn.  So, I'm already dead on my feet, and I just spent an hour in the dark hauling all the old wire scrap, dead equipment not going to the apartment, and assorted junk, maybe 300-400 pounds, to the end of the driveway.  I'm a drab, tired, sweaty mess.

I told you I'd be too busy to be depressed.  So, up next on today's activity list is to stuff a membership application in an envelope for the Diablo Valley Girls.  Then, before the deadline next week, get in a reservation for the Fall Dinner.  Oh, and I'm gonna need some formalware.  Or maybe I'll try to get by with a nice top and skirt.

Hmmmm.....  That HOA concierge is gonna wonder where the new tenant in the apartment came from and what happened to me.  I might have some fun with this...

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Anne.  I'm too damn stubborn to give in.  A Michelle in motion tends to remain in motion...

Sinclair, I post the photos partly for myself, to get an idea of what others see changing as I'm too close to... um... me.  I also wanted to share how I'm changing on the particular path I am taking my transition along, to help others the way I've been helped by so many on this site.

(And a little tip in the jar at the bottom of the page doesn't hurt, either.  Lets keep this place live!)

[Cindy]

Wonderful to hear the progress!

And yes keep positive, keep the drive and never let anyone or anything get in your way.

Lots of Hugs Hon!!!

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Cindy!  I just needed a push. Now I'm a regular steamroller, pretty darn hard to stop.

I sent an e-mail letter out to a few officers in the local radio club I am involved with a few hours ago. (I'm another officer there). This club works with local emergency services to provide backup communications and training for Community Emergency Responder Teams. They were surprisingly accepting. We will figure out how to best handle my new appearance before I chair the next general meeting.  (Surprise!  [emoji28][emoji33])

Life continues to be interesting. Beats the heck out of the alternative, anyway.



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[EmilyMK03]

Michelle, your openness, honesty, and above all, determination in the face of adversity is so very inspiring.  Best wishes to you on your new journey! 

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Emily!  I'm pushing through it.  This weekend is a bummer to live through, but I will, and life will be better soon.

I've worked out with the radio club how to handle my transition.  I won't be at the November meeting, and under New Business a short statement will be read concerning what's up with the President of the club.  I'm writing that, cribbing heavily from some of the best 'coming out' announcements I've seen here.  (Thanks, everyone! I'm standing on the backs of giants to pull this off.)  This way I won't derail the meeting into an "All About MEEEE!" session.

The next meeting, in December, is actually a social event, a dinner party at a local, one of a kind hotel. That's where I will first appear for them.  Since it is a social event, I can mix, mingle, answer questions, and correct misgendering in an environment where folks are free to come and go.  I think that will work out for the best.

I also work with another organization as a volunteer instructor.  I just got an e-mail from the head instructor asking us to come to a planning meeting in a few weeks.  I sent him the same "coming out" letter I used with the radio club.  I haven't heard back yet.

Oh, they had originally asked for a new instructor photo.  That's where the avatar came from.  I thought for a little while of just sending them that, no comments, but eventually my rational mind overcame my internal mischief maker.  I'll still send the photo if they ask again. 

I constructed that letter around the medical treatment, promoting the idea that this is fundamentally a medical issue, a course of treatment worked out by my medical team and offered to me as a potential long term treatment.  That's all accurate, by the way.  I pretty squarely land in the "transition or die" subset of the community.  I deliberately avoided anything that makes this sound like a lifestyle choice or similar nonsense that I see with certain parts of the media when covering us.

[LizK]

Wow...you just keep pushing through regardless don't you. Good on you, I am sure it will work out for you...good things happen to good people...it must be your turn to start having some things fall your way...great outcome with the Radio Club..do you anticipate the same happening with the instructor job? Hope so...

Keep updating us I have been trying to follow along with your posts as I thoroughly enjoy reading them.

Take care
Liz

[Michelle_P]

I've heard back from some other folks, all supportive. Nothing from the volunteer instructor program yet, though.

Saying goodbye to my 25 year old youngest daughter was heartbreaking though. We sat and talked for three hours, til my wife came by with one more question about the bank accounts, and to tell me it was time to leave.

There's a little hope there. She was asking about what I was wearing as myself, probably picturing a dude in a dress. Nah, mostly jeans and dark pants. Nearest thing to a dress is that tunic top worn with pants or tights and boots. [emoji16]. She actually asked me if I thought I looked pretty! Oog...  uh, no. Trying to look passable for safety's sake is my goal. At least she has some curiosity about this.

This may be the worst weekend of my life. This really hurts. The good news is that it's going to get better. It certainly can't get much worse!

Well, I've got two hours of electrolysis in the morning...[emoji849] At least there is some social interaction and human contact. Ridiculous, I know, but that helps.

Knowing what was happening my therapist made sure I had the crisis hotline number on hand as she would be unreachable at times the next few days. I've got it, but so far I don't think I need it. I just need to make it to the morning. (Which is why I'm here. )


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[Sophia Sage]

Well, I've got two hours of electrolysis in the morning...[emoji849] At least there is some social interaction and human contact. Ridiculous, I know, but that helps.

Not ridiculous at all!  There were days when my electrologist was better than any therapist. 

You can do this!

[TransAm]

I've heard back from some other folks, all supportive. Nothing from the volunteer instructor program yet, though.

Saying goodbye to my 25 year old youngest daughter was heartbreaking though. We sat and talked for three hours, til my wife came by with one more question about the bank accounts, and to tell me it was time to leave.

There's a little hope there. She was asking about what I was wearing as myself, probably picturing a dude in a dress. Nah, mostly jeans and dark pants. Nearest thing to a dress is that tunic top worn with pants or tights and boots. [emoji16]. She actually asked me if I thought I looked pretty! Oog...  uh, no. Trying to look passable for safety's sake is my goal. At least she has some curiosity about this.

This may be the worst weekend of my life. This really hurts. The good news is that it's going to get better. It certainly can't get much worse!

Well, I've got two hours of electrolysis in the morning...[emoji849] At least there is some social interaction and human contact. Ridiculous, I know, but that helps.

Knowing what was happening my therapist made sure I had the crisis hotline number on hand as she would be unreachable at times the next few days. I've got it, but so far I don't think I need it. I just need to make it to the morning. (Which is why I'm here. )


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I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. The fact that your daughter is expressing even some interest, however, is a good sign that some of the wrinkles could be ironed out in the future.  This will sound inadvertently awful, but the more 'normalized' the process becomes to the average person, the easier it is for them to move past the initial lashing out and onto the acceptance phase.
This is hard but you're actually living in a world where most are merely existing.

Also, you're looking great (and honestly you seem cool as he**). I float around the forums here and there and I've seen your profile pictures change several times; you're becoming more and more feminine and soft with each change. Keep pushing. You got this.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Stone. Yes, I'm hoping her curiosity will lead to acceptance. Well, that and a visit to see me puts her two blocks from her fave Italian joint,Forever 21, and Anthropologie.  Powerful draws for a 25 year old...

Their reaction is essentially just the cultural transphobia writ large and with my daughter I'm desensitizing her. That takes time though.



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[LizK]

Thanks, Stone. Yes, I'm hoping her curiosity will lead to acceptance. Well, that and a visit to see me puts her two blocks from her fave Italian joint,Forever 21, and Anthropologie.  Powerful draws for a 25 year old...

Their reaction is essentially just the cultural transphobia writ large and with my daughter I'm desensitizing her. That takes time though.



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Hi Michelle

Sounds like a tough time all round

I have a 25 year old daughter and I am not quite all the way there with her yet. She is steadily making progress to the point where she wanted to see my makeover pics...so that is definite progress. I am sure mine will be fine...Sounds to me like your Daughter is already starting to ask the right questions...I really hope it works out for you and her

Hugs
Liz

[PrincessCrystal]

Good to hear your daughter is asking questions.  I'm sure she's just scared and confused right now and is going to want to see you again soon.  That being said, I'm also glad I don't have a family to have to go through this sort of thing with...

Edit: keep in mind that I'm 25 and, while there's still anger and I don't actively communicate with my father, I still talk to him, despite having PTSD from his inexcusable behavior...  I don't see why someone from gen Y, which is an exceptionally tolerant generation, would have much of a problem with this...  do you have her number?  Maybe you should text her and tell her you're always there if she wants to talk or anything...

[Michelle_P]

I'm finally home and ready for bed.  What a day...

I started off with my weekly 'commute' to see my electrolysis person for a two hour visit.  Socializing and zappage occurred.  Then, back home, clean up a bit, and off to the concierge to pay the move-in fee.  They'll pad the elevator and whatnot for my furniture delivery in the morning.  Then off to the bank, to fix up some issues with a new checking account.  All better now. To the drugstore, for some odds and ends, then a late lunch at Panera, for my fave spicy salad and a tea, then to another shop to get shelf liner for the kitchen.  All this was just walking from the apartment, by the way.  Nice location.  Finally off to a big box store for more kitchen stuff. I had to drive.  I'm not walking across town with a stepstool, A/C filter, and a toaster under my arms.

Then back to the apartment.  A huge parcel was waiting for me from the cable company, along with bank mail delivering my checking card.  The huge box held a smaller box, which in turn held a very small set-top box. Good grief.

I got the Cable TV and internet running, only took two activations attempts!  Then I got dinner, loaded a huge number of old everyday dishes that had been in storage into the dishwasher ("Desert Rose" Franciscan dinnerware, 8-12 place settings depending on the piece, wonderful old stuff.  Thanks, Mom!), and started lining shelves.

The radio group has a regular Monday night net, so I put a directional antenna on a portable stand, aimed it at the old town, and participated.

I spent some time texting with my daughter.  She's pretty down, not surprising, but will be seeing her therapist tomorrow. My wife spent the day with friends, so she had some support.

Now it's midnight, and i'm tired.  Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

[PrincessCrystal]

I spent some time texting with my daughter.

Keep doing that.  Just let her know that you're still there for her whenever she wants you.  I wish my father would do that, but he only cares when it's convenient to him.  I think the simple idea that you take comfort in loving her would be good for her to know too.

[Michelle_P]

Ahhh!  Another long day, but now i'm in my brand new bed, fresh new and washed sheets, all mine.  This feels nice somehow.  New.

I finished lining the shelves after breakfast, then washed and put away some of the bigger pieces of Mom's old dinnerware while waiting for the furniture.  I put away all the remaining kitchen stuff, in fact, and much of the rest of the apartment other than what needed the not-yet-delivered furniture.

Well, maybe if I make lunch they'll show up.  That worked.  Halfway through a sandwich they arrived.  Practical magic at its finest...

They brought almost everything I ordered, only misplacing the couch and the chair legs.  Yes, just the legs.  Oh, and they brought an extra bedframe in queen size, along with the full size I had ordered.  :facepalm:  I noted all that on their paperwork.  We'll see if IKEA bothers to do anything. I'll probably call them tomorrow.  It's been days since I had a good rant.

One of the delivery guys kept calling me Sir, and the other called me Ma'am.  They had a pretty funny discussion in Spanish about which one was right.  (Not a great secret language, guys.  Some of us speak or understand it pretty well.) If they had managed to bring everything I had a big tip ready for the worker that called me Ma'am, but after I inventoried things?  No chair LEGS?  Oh, come on...

I gave priority to getting the bed assembled. That went well.  The slats needed to be assembled, too, which I didn't expect.  So, I got that done and popped on the mattress, also new,  then made the bed.  You know what they say; "You made your bed, now lie in it."  M'kay...

So here I lie.  I pinged a few texts with my daughter, and got a wonderful e-mail from my sister-in-law, to do a day-after-Thanksgiving dinner with me, my children, and my mother-in-law.  Wow!  That one had me crying.