An update on me...

[jentay1367]

Nice thing about your posting here is that we "the peanut gallery", can chime in at will. Much to your chagrin, I'm sure. But as eloquent as you are, I would certainly enjoy a blog with your musings on this incredible journey we're all on. Hope you didn't mind my two cents.

[Dena]

Blogs are only created with special permission and are very restricted. You are free to take the subject up with Cindy but the thread format you are using is fine. Secondary issue is we can split threads so it's possible at a latter date to dismantle a thread into a blog.

[Michelle_P]

I don't mind keeping this format on a running thread at all.  Heck, I welcome the "peanut gallery", as we're all here to learn.  I was just wondering if what I'd doing was an abuse of the thread format, but Dena says it's OK, so that's that.

"Never mind!," as Emily Litella used to say.


Meanwhile, here's my Interesting Event of the Day...

During the coffee klatch following services at the UU church today, a woman who I had seen in passing came up to me and said, "Um, I hope you don't think this is too personal, but are you gay?"

Not too personal?     Huh.  Many people seem to currently equate 'gay' with homosexual male, so I went for my stock quasher, "No, I'm not gay.   I'm lesbian."

She took that in stride, and commented that she was surprised I'd say that because to her gay IS lesbian as applied to a woman, cis or trans.  OK, now that we have definitions cleared up...

She had approached me because some members of her lesbian social group wanted to invite me to join them if I was oriented appropriately.  Well, that was sort of flattering.  We talked for a while, and I told her I was a little uncomfortable as a person still transitioning with joining that group, as I was particularly concerned that I might upset some of the members.  She assured me that as UU members, all were open and accepting, and that wouldn't happen.

We talked about attitudes of the gay and lesbian community regarding transgender persons, and my concerns with siloing myself with mostly LGBTQ associates.

Right now, in my transition and re-development of my social skills, I feel that I need to make more of a connection with the broader community.  If I keep myself siloed off with the LGBTQ folks for most social contacts I worry about the subtle warping of my world view that might have.

I didn't dismiss her outright, but rather indicated that I might be more open to this in a few months as I settle in.  Still, this was an interesting and unexpected development today, rather thought provoking, as it caused me to question some of my own internal feelings and direction.

It made this evening's pagan winter solstice ritual look like relaxing entertainment, and a pleasant distraction.  Blessed be!

Edit:  Just to make sure everyone knows where I'm coming from here, I am already involved with lesbian and LGBTQ groups.  (I'm a bit of an activist...). My intent in joining UU is to broaden my social contacts, and make sure I am integrated with the broader community. If I immediately dive into a lesbian social group at UU I feel that I would be defeating the purpose of my joining UU. 

In addition, as someone in transition and pre-op, I stick out like a sore thumb, and am readily misgendered.  In this state, I do not want to make folks in a deliberately all-female group nervous or unsure.  They'd likely bend over backwards to try and be accepting, but I'd be setting off that 'man' trigger deep in the brain anyway (pesky amygdala and pre-optic cortex), which could cause some discomfort.

I'm quite open to joining such a group in the future, once I've settled in, and hopefully seen some changes in my own appearance with time and effort.

[Teela Renee]

*hugs* glad to see your still around and kickin! I was thinkin about you and a few others the other day and decided to pop back in say hello!

[LizK]

Applaud from the Gallery

I agree and I think you are spot on...yes you need support but I also hear you talking about rebuilding so you also need variety. Diving into the group would have been the worst thing for you to do and I think you made a well thought out smart decision.

This part of Transition is pretty hard not being one thing nor another...

Hugs
Liz

[Michelle_P]

Applaud from the Gallery

I agree and I think you are spot on...yes you need support but I also hear you talking about rebuilding so you also need variety. Diving into the group would have been the worst thing for you to do and I think you made a well thought out smart decision.

I had therapy today, and you'll be happy to know my therapist agrees with you.  Thank you, Dr. Liz!

This part of Transition is pretty hard not being one thing nor another...

Hugs
Liz

Yeah, it is pretty odd.  The folks in this region are amazingly accepting so far.  There haven't been any real gender-related speed bumps yet.  Oh, I expect that at some point where I least expect it I will get slammed hard, but the other times have been amazingly smooth.  Yay SF Bay Area!

The owner of that car repair place had my deadname, which is what I gave him.  My license and the car paperwork are all in that name.  He scrupulously avoided trying to guess the pronoun, always referring to me by the name I gave him.  Never even an odd look or comment.  (Sort of takes the challenge out of this.)

My therapist says I'm doing well, and handling my changes well, if at a rapid pace.  As I've told her before, when in a session I try to be brutally honest and complete, as it's the only way to pump out my mental septic tank.  (There's an unflattering job description for a therapist...)  I try to get everything out, and get her feedback, and act on it before the next session.  We all know what happens when I dither about, running my head in circles til I go down the depression rabbit hole.  (Look at my early posts and threads here.   I don't know where I'd be if a couple of other members hadn't kicked my butt into gear.)

This afternoon I had a legal mediation meeting as part of our divorce process.  That is sort of the rough spot in my life, but it's pretty infrequent these days.  I've got two more session, probably, than we just wait out the 6 month period until the final decree.  The hard part for me is that wife-departing will walk out if I show up as myself.  So, I appeared in a shapeless oversized bland gray pullover, the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans with a wide belt, and my little black size 10 sneakers, wearing a baseball cap in lieu of hair.  I even remove my makeup first.  Ick.  So, we went through the session, wife there, me speaking with my voice pitched around A3, while the clueless lawyer tried to solve a problem involving equal division of assets, including intangibles like capital gains and losses, while one party retains all real estate and two cars (none of which I want).  Hint: Simultaneous linear equations, and simple algebra...

We ended the meeting with me agreeing to write the asset division proposal as a simple text (English, 8th grade reading level), and a spreadsheet with pretty graphs.  I'll also have permission to spend funds needed to replace my car.  The automatic court restraining orders require this.

Fun times...

I told my therapist that the real life test isn't really a test, it's just more real life we have to get through, just like always.

Now I need to come up with a potluck dish for Christmas brunch.  I'm thinking mini chicken-n-waffles...  Yum.


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[LizK]

Now I need to come up with a potluck dish for Christmas brunch.  I'm thinking mini chicken-n-waffles...  Yum.


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...when I think of waffles I think lashing of ice-cream, chocolate sauce and strawberries...chicken is not so much...is this a US thing?

Liz

[Michelle_P]

...when I think of waffles I think lashing of ice-cream, chocolate sauce and strawberries...chicken is not so much...is this a US thing?

Liz

Yeah.  A Southern US thing, in fact.  It's still delicious!  The particular one I'm doing will be a finger food, with a hot and sweet pepper jelly and crisp breaded pieces of chicken sandwiched between two small waffle quarters, maybe 2 inches on a side, and skewered together with a toothpick.

If your e-mail can handle hyperattachments I'll send you a couple.


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[Michelle_P]

Shopping day.    I went window-shopping for cars, and then I went shopping for a few baking supplies.  The clerk kept referring to me as "Miss".  At age 63, I'm past 'Miss' a ways, but I'll take it anyway.  Stopped for a skinny peppermint mocha as a little treat. 

I got in 12,677 steps, about 5.5 miles.  This also makes me happy, and covered adding that peppermint mocha to the diet for the day.

Tomorrow my 32 year old son flies in for the holidays.  He'll be here overnight, then I'll take him up to the wife's place for Christmas Eve.  I'll be spending Christmas Eve with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, the two most accepting members of the family in the immediate area.

Sunday morning there's a Christmas service and potluck brunch up at the UU church.  I'll be making my spicy chicken-n-waffle bites. 

Monday I have an appointment (!) at a new car dealership.  The salesman called my cellphone, and when I answered, asked if he could speak to Michael (deadnamed myself, as that will be on the ID and paperwork til my day in court).  I answered "Yes, this is HER."  Hey, if Michael Learned can be female, so can I.  We set up an appointment under one of those 'members only, best possible price' plans my membership in a warehouse store offers.  Known to auto dealers as a 'lead generator'.    We'll see how that goes.  I can always walk out.  I guarantee it.

Life is good.  I'm happy.


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[Raell]

I totally admire you, Michelle!

We are all rooting for you.

I sort of did the same, although not directly because of trans issues, or, if so, they were hidden to me at the time.

In 2010, I up and moved to Thailand and began living life on my own terms.
I found out the same year I'm partially transmale, to my surprise.

[jentay1367]

If that car deal is a Costco thing, let me know how it went, Michelle. Thanks ....Lisa

[Michelle_P]

Yes, the car deal is a COSTCO thing. We'll see how it goes. This is auto dealership stuff, so I've set my expectations accordingly.

I made a test batch of the spicy chicken-n-waffles.

Liz, try one. The pepper jelly adds a little bite. I left out the jalapeño peppers in the merciful spirit of the season. [emoji8]


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[LizK]

Yes, the car deal is a COSTCO thing. We'll see how it goes. This is auto dealership stuff, so I've set my expectations accordingly.

I made a test batch of the spicy chicken-n-waffles.

Liz, try one. The pepper jelly adds a little bite. I left out the jalapeño peppers in the merciful spirit of the season. [emoji8]


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They Look delish...would love to try one thanks...now if I can just get my local transporter beam to work we will be in business...just give me 5 minutes, got a few issues with my instant transporter...might need some new batteries ...

Liz

[Michelle_P]

I made a batch of 30 of the chicken-n-waffle bites.  All but two went.  I had those for an afternoon snack.

This was the deadliest weekend of the year for waistlines.  Dinner and breakfast with my visiting son, Christmas Eve dinner with my mother and sister in law, the Christmas brunch, and the plates of cookies [emoji514].  Oh, so many cookies.  I had to taste them all, for quality control, ya unnerstand...  I'm back to walking today.

I did my car buying adventure today.  I was well-armed, with both the COSTCO buyer plan numbers, and the TrueValue numbers from the Consumerreports.org car buying service.  I did the Kelly Blue Book estimate for my trade-in, and also did the 'guaranteed price' car selling thing via kbb.org, where a very detailed evaluation of the vehicle is done.  If you're honest with yourself about it, you'll get a number very similar to what many dealerships will offer for a trade-in.  (Something about the same back-end software and database )

As I'd heard elsewhere, the COSTCO 'price list' was all in terms of discounts off of invoice price, which is a bit wobbly itself with rebate plans and 'spiffs'.  That said, I think I got a very good deal, getting the trade in about 9% above the KBB 'guaranteed price' quote, all the rebates and the COSTCO discount applied to the invoice price, and the one option I wanted added in very cheaply. 

On the gender front, I was consistently "Ma'am"d everywhere, no snickering or finger-pointing in front of me, and a very non-hostile environment.  Not what I would have expected in a testosterone-fueled sausage-fest like a car dealership.  They must have wanted my money...  There were only two rounds of "gotta check with my manager", and from pulling into the lot in the Miata to driving out in a new Prius was just under 3 hours total.

When I had to show my license, there was no surprise.  I did my usual spiel, "It's pretty out of date.  A lot of doctor's appointments since that picture was taken."  That got a chuckle.  The finance officer just asked in passing if I was planning a name change.

Sometimes I think doing the Real Life Test in this area is playing on the Easy setting.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...



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[Cindy]

Well done!

I remember years ago when I was about at your stage dropping one of my cars off for service. Of course it was under 'his' name. When I dropped the car in I said I had a name change and was now Cindy.
No s>-bleeped-<s, but when I collected the car there was a bunch of flowers on the seat with a message saying congratulations.

I keep taking that car back too them whenever it needs a service!

I think people in service industry have to be very careful or they will get bitten where it hurts!

[Michelle_P]

Heh.  Oh, yeah.  The local social support group maintains a list of businesses that are friendly, and ones where someone is hostile towards us.  We know which wig shop is OK, and which one has a problematic employee.  That information gets passed on to future generations of transgender persons, and the broader LGBTQ community.


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[Raell]

Wow..you are one the most together transgender people I've met so far.
One of them, because there are so many on this forum.

Still, most amazing.

[Michelle_P]

Awww... Thanks!  I'm just following the great role models that have stuck around here, though.  My secret superpower is being really, really obstinate.  Sort of a psychic steamroller...

I had another fun little experience. I had recently switched to an LGBT-friendly doctor at Kaiser. Apparently this doctor actually looks at the records for new patients!  I got a message from the doctors office asking me to call them to schedule an overdue preventive checkup.

I called the office and said I was calling in regard to that message. The phone person asked for my Member ID number. I read it, they got the records onscreen, and then I heard in a puzzled tone, "Uh... Michael?"  "Yes, this is she."  Silence for several seconds...

We went on from there to schedule an appointment for next week. I think I may have just passed on my voice and surprised the phone person with that medical record.

Well, I can hope I did anyway.  [emoji6]


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[Raell]

That is awesome! You passed, with just your voice!

[Michelle_P]

I'm in such an odd state today...

I just got home from electrolysis.  Ow...  Other than that, it went well.  I'm cleared on the lower lip and chin, out to about an inch past the corners of the mouth and down to the jawline and around the chin.  There are maybe 30-45 minutes of work left on the upper lip, and that will be cleared.  The jawline itself is cleared in a narrow band almost all the way out.  So, if I stopped now, I could just about grow a scrawny neckbeard and some spotty muttonchops.    Not Going To Happen.

I did have a fun weekend after all, marred by just one little thing.

Saturday night I was out with a group of about 60 for dancing and potluck, a New Years Eve party running til after midnight.  The catch:  This was a "Dances of Universal Peace" event, loosely derived from "Sufi Dancing", and originating with Murshid Samuel Lewis back in 1960's San Francisco.  (Yeah, where I grew up.  I'm one of THOSE...)  It was a fun and energetic way to kick off the New Year, even if not in the commercial spirit of the season.   

Sunday I managed to get to the UU church for what turned out to be a remarkably meaningful service to kick off the new year; all about letting go and finding a way to move forward with life.  Yup.  Highly appropriate stuff.  One of the other women invited me to sit with her, which I did.  Afterwards in the coffee klatch I was introduced to some other folks, who invited me to go to a late brunch and a walk. So, there I was with four women about my age, and one older gentleman that was a co-worker of one of the ladies.  We just chatted about random stuff.  We were at the restaurant for a few hours, and then did about a 1.5 mile walk on a nearby trail.

Alas, older folks do have pronoun trouble with us.  A three day beard in preparation for electrolysis probably didn't help.  There are limits to what concealer can do, and skin colored bristles are still bristles.  All through this I was misgendered 'he', 'his', and so on.  I really didn't want to cause a fuss with everyone, especially as we were new to each other and they were kind enough to invite me.  I think I may make a name tag for myself:

Hi, I'm Michelle
My pronouns are "she", "her"

Subtle, huh?

Edit:  Yay Internets!  I just ordered a bunch of buttons online.

The stupid misgendering shouldn't have gotten to me, but my equally stupid subconscious decided to chew on it overnight and wake me up feeling depressed and dysphoric.  Yuck.  I still managed to drag myself to electrolysis.  I have plans for later to try and bust this loose.

...the clueless lawyer tried to solve a problem involving equal division of assets, including intangibles like capital gains and losses, while one party retains all real estate and two cars (none of which I want).  Hint: Simultaneous linear equations, and simple algebra...

We ended the meeting with me agreeing to write the asset division proposal as a simple text (English, 8th grade reading level), and a spreadsheet with pretty graphs.

So, I finished up the Spreadsheet from Heck.  Six pages, presenting a Net Worth computation, division of assets calculations, a detailed division of assets, getting into all the IRS nitty-gritty for capital gains, losses, and basis for our DIY retirement funds, a presentation of all the assets reported to the Court, liabilities and their detailed division, and expenditures since separation and the reconciliation of those.      It felt too much like programming.  It's done, though.  One more obstacle out of the way.

Now, this evening, our transgender support group has a meetup, and some of us will be heading out to dinner first.  That will be nice.  I'm thinking that I should maybe violate the rule about no makeup right after electrolysis for once.  Oh, I'll still keep clean, do the witch hazel and aloe vera gel, but I may see if I can get away with that as a sealing primer under foundation and bronzer.  I think I'd like to kick off the year by taking myself up a notch, pushing my presentation for dinner and the meetup.  I think getting my best presentation together might be a good treatment for this bummed out state I find myself in.

Tomorrow will be interesting.  My court date is coming up on Jan 13, and preliminary judgements are online for cases through Jan 12.  The court is closed today, so no update.  I'm waiting to see, on pins and needles.  The judge I've drawn has another name & gender change case on Jan 11, and is requiring that person to appear in court with no reason given, rather than the more usual practice of 'approved; no court appearance required,' so that has me a little worried.

Also tomorrow I have my annual checkup, with a new doctor. This doctor is listed as LGBT friendly, so we'll see what happens.  I'm due for a colonoscopy this year (eeep!), so I'll very likely max out the high deductible plan again. That would make this a good year to get a trach shave, FFS, and GRS...  (Also, before transgender care coverage gets dropped from policies after certain proposed changes in the law go through.)

I guess I'm still keeping busy.