An update on me...

[Michelle_P]

Well, I sort of suspected this one was coming.

My ex-wife (not finalized yet) just had cataract surgery, and my youngest daughter, living with her, is helping out. I called and texted her when the surgery was going on to see what was happening.  Eventually I got a terse text reply, "She's fine."

I thanked her via text and asked if they were still at the hospital or at home.  No reply.

Later I texted "I was sort of wondering why I get no response most of the time, and when I do it is very terse.  I gather there is some sort of subtext here."

I pretty much got blasted with her feeling overwhelmed, upset about the divorce, and that since I don't live there any more it is really none of my business, and I can't be upset as I don't live there any more.  Sort of a rant at me, again.  She finished by telling me she wouldn't respond any more and would reach out when she's ready.

I found out through my mother-in-law that my daughter only met with me there because her therapist had insisted on it.

She's pretty tight-wound right now, and I just hope that the passage of time will help her heal a bit.  She's pretty tight with my ex, what with living there and all, and there is both shared animosity and considerable blame for me that can't be dealt with rationally.

I did talk with my older daughter last night for about a half hour, and we got along very well.  She's been out of the family home for about 12 years, though. She filled me in on my ex-wife's status, doing fine and healing up.

I e-mailed back and forth with my son, out and living on his own for 14 years now, and I'll be flying to his town in about a month and a half for a weekend visit.  (He has stayed overnight here a couple times.)

So, not everything is all rosy in RLE-town.  Still, I have more to be happy about than not. 

Today I worked some on my other hobby, amateur radio.  I prepped about 100 assorted examinations for our next class and testing session in March, which took quite a while, and got my shortwave station back on the air, assembling a Frankenstein's Monster of a compact antenna (ham-stick and counterpoise on a 2nd floor balcony), and managed to work a station in Wyoming on the 40M band. 




Yes, it is a useful distraction and keeps me from running my head in circles about my ex-wife and daughter.

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[lc100]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your youngest daughter and ex-wife. From what I'm gathering, your relationship with your son and eldest daughter is nice? I'm glad to hear about that, at least.

The radio stuff... You inspire me. Just to do any hobby. You're such a busy woman!

[jentay1367]

We take our wins where we can find them. More good in that broth than bad from an outsider's perspective.

[Michelle_P]

I do try to keep busy!  And yes, there's more good than bad in my life, by a long shot.

I couldn't go back to my old life just to make a couple of people who have treated me as they have less uncomfortable with me. I once told them that would make a lovely epitaph on my early grave; "At least he didn't make us uncomfortable.

We had a congregational meeting today, including votes on sanctuary actions; not sheltering people in the church (no shower, for example, wouldn't work well), but participating in a support network for disadvantaged and persecuted folks. I made a little speech, related to the current environment and changes I see coming,and the apprehension the first week of this new administrations actions produced.  I pled for them to take a position in support of those who are or will be targeted.

This is only the first week. There are 200 more weeks in this administration. The supporters of these orders, and there are many of them, will demand more. The people want their circuses.

Just as happened 80 years ago, the populist authoritarians will give their supporters what they want.  The darkness is coming again.

All those seen as alien, different, non-traditional are at risk.  I am at risk. Will you walk through darkness with me?

It doesn't matter what you think of this. I just wanted to point out that I'm not letting being transgender get in the way of my speaking my mind to others.  I see too much shyness or timidity in our community.

Anyway, after the vote (unanimously in favor), I was invited to one of the members homes for lunch. Just three older ladies nibbling and yakking away.

Socialization continues!

Later:  And then there are the Compleat Buzzkills. I went back out to use an ATM to deposit some checks and get out cash for Monday's dinner with the social support group. Afterward I thought I'd stretch my legs a little and go for coffee.

On the way, in the crowd a couple is moving toward me. I hear, "Oh, is this that guy?" from the male.  Then he looks straight at me, smiling, and says "Hi, there!"

I glanced toward him and kept moving, hoping it was someone behind me. I wish. I think they may have seen me at church when I did my little speech.

I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, and thought he was being friendly, but damn, "Oh, is this that guy?"

Ah, well. Eight months of HRT, three of RLT, with my half century of behavior and speech still not unlearned, what should I expect?

Like Ashley says, Onward we go!

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[Janes Groove]

Anyway, after the vote (unanimously in favor), I was invited to one of the members homes for lunch. Just three older ladies nibbling and yakking away.

That sounds awesome!

[jentay1367]

"At least he didn't make us uncomfortable.

That would be funny if it weren't the option that many a self involved friend or family member wouldn't opt for, given the opportunity.

[Rachel]

I sounds like you are doing well with the exception of you youngest and ex. I am happy your two older children support you  

[Steph Eigen]

A little late to the party but congratulation on getting back on the air, 40M contact, judging from the frequency, on LSB to Wyoming on a Hamstick is not bad.  I'm guessing the PVC pipe enclosure is a common mode choke. 

Glad to have you back, the hobby needs more women.

Steph

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Steph!  Yup, 40M to Wyoming from the SF Bay Area isn't bad at all.  And the PVC thing is indeed a common mode choke.  I want to keep the RF on the balcony, and off the rig and microphone, something too many hams forget to do (and wonder why they get bad audio or even RF burns!).


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[Cindy]

On the way, in the crowd a couple is moving toward me. I hear, "Oh, is this that guy?" from the male.  Then he looks straight at me, smiling, and says "Hi, there!"

I glanced toward him and kept moving, hoping it was someone behind me. I wish. I think they may have seen me at church when I did my little speech.

I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, and thought he was being friendly, but damn, "Oh, is this that guy?"

Ah, well. Eight months of HRT, three of RLT, with my half century of behavior and speech still not unlearned, what should I expect?

Like Ashley says, Onward we go!

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We seem at times to mirror transitions, I made a post years ago that I had been 'insulted' at an Ikea store when I was casually walking along and a morbidly obese couple coming towards me said "OMG that's a man!' (or something similar and loud enough to let others hear), it angered me.

I stood in front of them and said something along the lines of. "I'm a woman with a birth defect and doing something about it. You are morbidly obese and maybe you should do something about that!"

I am 100% certain I was not that polite

You are going great Michelle, loving your posts.

Cindy

[LizK]

I once told them that would make a lovely epitaph on my early grave; "At least he didn't make us uncomfortable.

Nicely put...I love it...can see that on a bumper sticker in rainbow lettering...Perfect. Sounds like the socialisation is going well. I keep telling myself  "I am still a work in progress and like any great piece of art this will take time"  kinda works

Liz

[Michelle_P]

Oooooh! Cindy strikes again!  That one is definitely a keeper. "...and I'm doing something about it. When are you?"  I like it.

Liz, I may just try to get that line down to a button to wear. It's a good one. 

I'm just sort of idling online between electrolysis sessions today. I just had lunch, a bacon 🥓 cheeseburger [emoji488] salad 🥗.  Yes, it's a thing. I did leave off the cup (8 ounces) of thousand island dressing. That would be overkill.  America, home of the 900 calorie (580 sans dressing) salad

Urp!

The waitress remembered me from last week, amazingly enough. No doubt my girlish figure impressed her. [emoji849]

I've got another couple hours in the chair coming up, and then I'll head home to clean up and get ready for an evening out with my social support group.  We're trying a new (to us) Italian place. Breaking in a new wait staff...

I suspect I may breach the calorie barrier today...


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[Claire]

You are absolutely, positively AMAZING! A force of nature. I am soooo envious of your strength and determination.


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[Michelle_P]

Dori, I'm just really stubborn.  Or something... 

Our Italian dinner with the girls went well.  The place was really good.  We had a corner of the dining room to ourselves, with a low partition partly isolating the area. The girls all had fun, the staff was polite and efficient, and the gnocchi with prosciutto and mushrooms was out of this world.  I took half of it home for Tuesdays dinner.

I had a 1-1 with my 'retired' therapist on Wednesday.  She thought I was doing well, and we kicked around the misgendering and figured out it was my voice.  What?  I thought Miss Piggy sounded pretty feminine, and I sound like her, so....

Speech therapy?  Moi?  Hrmph!

Anyway, she called Kaiser MST to grease the skids for me, and now I will call in and 'self-refer', a fancy way of saying I'd like a little help here, please. 

I just cleaned the apartment, handled a bunch of paperwork, and started organizing stuff for tax returns today.  Oh, joy.  In the evening I headed up to the UU church for a midweek guided meditation and community sharing they call Vespers, followed by a community dinner and a bit of sign-making.  We'll be out showing solidarity with a local mosque tomorrow that has been on the receiving end of some unfortunate activity.

I spiffed up my Facebook and LinkedIn profiles a bit with my recent public speaking and activist stuff, and culled a few 'friends' on FB that weren't. 

Saturday I'll be heading to the Two-Spirit Powwow at Fort Mason with a friend.  Dancing, drumming, costume competitions, all should be interesting and fun stuff.  I'm looking forward to this.  Sunday I'll be working the coffee service at the UU church after services, and I may drop in on some other activities.  Monday I've got four more hours of electrolysis, in two sessions split by lunch.  (Bacon cheeseburger salad again, or perhaps something different?  Decisions, decisions...)

Real life goes on...

[Michelle_P]

The Two-Spirit Powwow was amazing. A drum circle of all women is a rare thing at these events, but here there were TWO of them. The drum had been specially blessed. My friend and I had a great time at the event and poking about North Beach afterward. We even had a nice light dinner out, at Original Joe's, an old fave of mine.

This morning I did my blood draw for the usual stuff. I'm curious if after 8 months estradiol is finally above the normal male range. [emoji849] One nice thing that happened; all the sample tubes and my medical record said Michelle P. on them!  At last!

My credit cards with my name have arrived. No more deadnames in my purse!  That's worth celebrating right there. One tall latte, please. (I'm easy...)

Update to keep all my HRT numbers together:

I started with:

Testosterone  620 ng/dL
Estradiol  < 50 pg/mL

At 1 month in:

Testosterone. 251 ng/dL
Estradiol. < 50 pg/mL

At the 3 month point:

Testosterone 7 ng/dL
Estradiol  < 50 pg/mL

At the 6 month point:

Testosterone  6 ng/dL
Estradiol   < 50 pg/mL

At 8 months in:

Testosterone  7 ng/dL
Estradiol  115 pg/mL

...estradiol levels are widely variable throughout the menstrual cycle:
Mid-follicular phase: 27-123 pg/mL
Periovulatory: 96-436 pg/mL
Mid-luteal phase: 49-294 pg/mL
Postmenopausal: 0-40 pg/mL



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[Michelle_P]

It's Friday night and I ain't got nobody...  Except all you good folks!  Yay us!

I had another good week.  The blood work from Sunday's draw looks good, I now have detectable estradiol levels, and I am pretty happy with the results for the other stuff being checked.

My Monday at electrolysis went OK, and I got invited to go on an overnight beach party trip, which I thought was pretty neat.  (No worries, it will just be a fun activity.)  Monday night I had dinner and hung out with my social support group, talking to some new folks I hadn't met before.  This makes for a nice low pressure evening for me, very relaxing.

I spent much of the week just working on putting test and course materials together and preparing for a two hour class on Thursday night.  The class went well, I think.  I had lots of props along, and worked fairly hard to make sure I explained some of the more abstract concepts in multiple ways, that would make sense to most of the students.  Props are alway handy in perking up interest with the folks in these technical classes.

Today I was going to meet up with some folks for lunch, but they never showed.  Ah, well.  I had lunch on my own, and did a bit of shopping.  I needed some new mugs, and wanted a lighter, more spring-themed scarf.  (I have a thing about scarves...) I did some window shopping for fitted jackets and boot-cut pants, but didn't find anything appealing.  Picky, picky, picky...

Tomorrow I'm a student in another class up at the UU church, followed by some time with my mother-in-law helping her out and hearing about her Hawaiian vacation.  Sunday I'll be up at the church again, and perhaps get in a nice long walk.  Monday is electrolysis day, and I may be having lunch with a friend between sessions.

Real life goes on...


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[Dayta]

Anyway, after the vote (unanimously in favor)

Good for you!  You seem to bring hope with you wherever you go.  I'm sorry to hear about all of the trouble with your family.  I just overnighted a letter to my mother, and will be calling her tomorrow to bring her up to speed (one of my sisters is driving up to be there while she finds out about me).  This will be the last of my immediate family to know, and I'll be ready to start the process at work.  You've been such a beacon for me and I'm sure so many others.  I sure hope that it comes back to you a hundredfold! 

Erin

[Michelle_P]

Good for you!  You seem to bring hope with you wherever you go.  I'm sorry to hear about all of the trouble with your family.  I just overnighted a letter to my mother, and will be calling her tomorrow to bring her up to speed (one of my sisters is driving up to be there while she finds out about me).  This will be the last of my immediate family to know, and I'll be ready to start the process at work.  You've been such a beacon for me and I'm sure so many others.  I sure hope that it comes back to you a hundredfold! 

Erin

Wow, Erin, I hope that goes well with you.  Mom would have been rough for me, but I think she would have ultimately been accepting.  Dad, not so much.  They both passed away many years ago, though.  My mother-in-law is effectively Mom to me now, and the divorce action will not affect that relationship.

I'm glad you will have one of your sisters along.  A bit of support for both of you when going though this will be nice.   Good luck tomorrow!


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[JeanetteLW]

At 8 months in:

Testosterone  7 ng/dL
Estradiol  115 pg/mL

...estradiol levels are widely variable throughout the menstrual cycle:
Mid-follicular phase: 27-123 pg/mL
Periovulatory: 96-436 pg/mL
Mid-luteal phase: 49-294 pg/mL
Postmenopausal: 0-40 pg/mL



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  Hey Michelle, CONGRATULATIONS !! Your body has finally decided you are a girl too.  It's got to be nice to have it finally confirm what your mind has been telling it for years !!

  I almost felt guilty that my first blood test said I was a girl after  6 weeks. But then I only started with T at 370.

   When I look at your picture it's hard for me to believe you've only been on HRT for 8 months. You look so polished, confident.  Reading your other accomplishments and trials in your journey are an inspiration to me as are several other ladies here.

  Well anyway  Michelle congrats again.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

  Hey Michelle, CONGRATULATIONS !! Your body has finally decided you are a girl too.  It's got to be nice to have it finally confirm what your mind has been telling it for years !!

  I almost felt guilty that my first blood test said I was a girl after  6 weeks. But then I only started with T at 370.

   When I look at your picture it's hard for me to believe you've only been on HRT for 8 months. You look so polished, confident.  Reading your other accomplishments and trials in your journey are an inspiration to me as are several other ladies here.

  Well anyway  Michelle congrats again.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Thanks!

It was more a matter of pushing on my very conservative endocrinologist than anything in my biology.  The adjustment that made the estradiol level finally rise above the male range was only made about 10 weeks ago, so most of the changes I've had were simply from suppressing testosterone (which inhibits certain cells in breast tissue, for example) and seeing the changes that produced with minimal estradiol.  I could definitely feel the effects of the recent adjustment with a few days.

The improvements in appearance are largely due to some advice from Harley Quinn and Angela at Sephora, who helped me work up this 'everyday look':

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217010.msg1921004.html#msg1921004

Of course, the whole Real Life Experience thing has been a confidence builder as well, discovering my fears and worries were mostly unfounded, and most people just don't care who I am.  I live in a region that is largely accepting.  I'm fortunate, in that I am essentially playing this transition on the "Easy" setting.

I've also got a great support system, between my therapist, my electrologist (damn near a second therapist; our sessions are interesting that way for each other), Susan's Place, the social support group, and the local Unitarian Universalist Church congregation.  I really think a support network of some sort is crucial for transition and the real life experience in particular.