An update on me...

[Michelle_P]

My birth certificates arrived yesterday.  There is nothing on them that indicates they are a revision, or a new, modified version.  They are scans of the old 1950s forms, printed onto the modern 8 1/2 x 11" gravure printed and serialized sheets.  Curiously, the Department of Public Health preserved the appearance of the old birth certificate while correcting the name and gender fields.  Thank you, California!

There it is, right on the paper.  The official record of Moms first born child, her daughter, me.  It feels so strange to look at this document, its reflection of the past, and think of Mom back then.  Was I really that little infant?  Was Mom really that young?  I can't even imagine my father as a 22 year old.

Mom always wanted a daughter.  I hope she's happy with me.

There's a sort of profound, yet very Twilight Zone feel to this. I'm looking at a record from another reality, a world where I was born whole and consistent.  That's a lot to live up to.

One funny tidbit... At the coffee klatch after UU church services, a woman commented that she had 10 scarves at home, but didn't know how to tie them, so I showed her a couple of simple ways to wear them, with basic weaves and knots to look nice.

I do believe I am being socialized as a woman these days. 


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[jentay1367]

I'm looking at a record from another reality, a world where I was born whole and consistent.  That's a lot to live up to.

Oh.....l don't know about that, you're a pretty classy broad right now . Looks like it's only gonna get better.

[Sofie L]

My birth certificates arrived yesterday.  There is nothing on them that indicates they are a revision, or a new, modified version.  They are scans of the old 1950s forms, printed onto the modern 8 1/2 x 11" gravure printed and serialized sheets.  Curiously, the Department of Public Health preserved the appearance of the old birth certificate while correcting the name and gender fields.  Thank you, California!

There it is, right on the paper.  The official record of Moms first born child, her daughter, me.

Congrats on receiving your new, correct birth certificates Michelle. Looking forward to the day that I can finally change my docs over, too.

[Dayta]

My birth certificates arrived yesterday.  There is nothing on them that indicates they are a revision, or a new, modified version.  They are scans of the old 1950s forms, printed onto the modern 8 1/2 x 11" gravure printed and serialized sheets.  Curiously, the Department of Public Health preserved the appearance of the old birth certificate while correcting the name and gender fields.  Thank you, California!

Woo hoo!  Look at you, all official and stuff!  I just got my passport today, so your inspiration lives on in many of us.  Thanks and keep up the progress! 

Erin

[Michelle_P]

Hey, Erin!  The government admits we exist!  That means that we are real! 


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[Michelle_P]

This is interesting...  My youngest daughter, age 25, the one that doesn't want me to contact her, has decided to follow me on Facebook. As she's not a 'friend' in the Facebook sense she won't see very much.  Still, it is an interesting move on her part.

[JeanetteLW]

 Michelle,

  I would view that as good news. Perhaps she is curious and feels a need to know. It could indicate a desire on her part to understand and as such an opening of the door she closed.

  Hoping for the best possibility.

  Hugs'
    Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

I had an exhausting day.  Too much driving, but some interesting developments.

My first appointment of the day was with my endocrinologist.  She was happy with the numbers, my condition was fine, etc...  She then noted that I had moved.  Last October, but yeah... It takes a while for the address change to percolate into the system.   Since I had moved, standard practice was to shift my care to a doctor at a new local facility.  I had shifted my primary care to an LGBT-friendly doctor at Kaiser Oakland.  My endocrinologist wanted to do the same.   Sounds reasonable, so I agreed.

She also noted that my old therapist in her office had retired (to private practice, but I didn't say anything about that), so they weren't doing trans care at her office any more.  OK, I figured that.  She said she would see what she could do.

I was getting an early dinner between appointments when my phone rang.  It was the scheduler at Oakland Kaiser Multi-Specialty Transitions (MST), the big trans care clinic, calling to set up my intake endocrinology appointment for next week.  Huh?  OK, sure.  It seems my new endocrinologist is the MST director.  This sounds promising.

The scheduler verified my speech therapy appointment, and then asked if I was interested in their other services.  Other services?  You mean, like GCS and FFS?  Yes, please!  So, I have an appointment with a therapist there in a month to start lining up GCS and FFS.  I know I'll have a wait for the time on HRT and the year of real life experience, but that's OK.

This was one surreal phone call.

Then, some 60 miles from home, with lovely traffic, I had my monthly group session this evening.  Me and one other person from my old group, a bit small, but what the heck.  That went well, and I got a bit of help in dealing with an oddball personal issue that had cropped up yesterday. 

Finally, a long drive home, and here I am.  Yow.  So many unexpected developments in one day...


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[JeanetteLW]

Dang! Michelle,
   I believe congratulations id in order! Several kudos in fact.
Congrats on all the positive changes that came your way. I hope it is all smooth sailing for you here on out.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Sometimes there are not-so-good days. Today was one of them.  (Ashley, this will sound awfully familiar...  Be forewarned.)

Today I had just one activity on my calendar, a meeting.  With a lawyer.  And my ex-wife.   

And, that means I had to present as a male.    No wig, man-glasses, man-clothing, man-shoes.  I'm sitting there with an oversize jacket covering my chest, and a baseball cap over my buzzcut remaining hair. (It feels a little like a wig, and calms me a bit.)

Two hours of being HIM again. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, and I'm trying not to curl up in a ball.  Dammit.

I'm really hoping this was it.  We just signed the financial settlements, waivers, and whatnot, so if it all goes past the judge, we'll just have to meet to transfer the investment and bank accounts and I'll be done.  That will be a relief.

I think I may celebrate with an eyebrow threading and ear piercing.  It is the way of my people...

There was one piece of black humor to come out of the day.  The lawyer wanted to notarize the documents then and there.  Um.  ID, please.  Ooookay.  I passed him my drivers license, with my dear transphobic wife who I haven't told about the name change yet sitting next to me.  He took it as I started to say that there had been a revision.  He looks, and says "Oh, yeah, your hair is shorter."  The ID photo looks like my avatar.  He starts to fill in the notary entry.  "Huh, your name is spelled different.  Michelle, not the Michael he knows.

He just holds the ID so my dear wife can't see it, and fills in the entry, "Michelle P. known personally to me as Michael."  He didn't say anything else about it, which was actually pretty awesome.

I was supposed to go out to a meeting of an amateur radio club, but the idea of spending the evening with a bunch of old men alternately staring and misgendering me is not appealing at all.

I think I may just stay in tonight.

[LizK]

Sometimes there are not-so-good days. Today was one of them.  (Ashley, this will sound awfully familiar...  Be forewarned.)

Today I had just one activity on my calendar, a meeting.  With a lawyer.  And my ex-wife.   

And, that means I had to present as a male.    No wig, man-glasses, man-clothing, man-shoes.  I'm sitting there with an oversize jacket covering my chest, and a baseball cap over my buzzcut remaining hair. (It feels a little like a wig, and calms me a bit.)

Two hours of being HIM again. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, and I'm trying not to curl up in a ball.  Dammit.

I'm really hoping this was it.  We just signed the financial settlements, waivers, and whatnot, so if it all goes past the judge, we'll just have to meet to transfer the investment and bank accounts and I'll be done.  That will be a relief.

I think I may celebrate with an eyebrow threading and ear piercing.  It is the way of my people...

There was one piece of black humor to come out of the day.  The lawyer wanted to notarize the documents then and there.  Um.  ID, please.  Ooookay.  I passed him my drivers license, with my dear transphobic wife who I haven't told about the name change yet sitting next to me.  He took it as I started to say that there had been a revision.  He looks, and says "Oh, yeah, your hair is shorter."  The ID photo looks like my avatar.  He starts to fill in the notary entry.  "Huh, your name is spelled different.  Michelle, not the Michael he knows.

He just holds the ID so my dear wife can't see it, and fills in the entry, "Michelle P. known personally to me as Michael."  He didn't say anything else about it, which was actually pretty awesome.

I was supposed to go out to a meeting of an amateur radio club, but the idea of spending the evening with a bunch of old men alternately staring and misgendering me is not appealing at all.

I think I may just stay in tonight.

What a crappy day you had...but as you said one day closer to it being finally over. You do deserve a treat after having to go through all that...a good book/movie and some comfort food!!

Hugs
Liz

[Cindy]

Oh Michelle,
Sorry for the bad day.

You realise of course that at future meetings you should turn up as Michelle so that you are compliant with your ID

If you ex says anything you can legitimately answer that you did not want to slow proceedings by possible misidentification

Cindy

[Michelle_P]

Oh Michelle,
Sorry for the bad day.

You realise of course that at future meetings you should turn up as Michelle so that you are compliant with your ID

If you ex says anything you can legitimately answer that you did not want to slow proceedings by possible misidentification

Cindy

I know you're kidding, but my therapist suggested something like that, but we concluded that my ex would just bolt, ending the meeting before it started.  She'd view it as an ambush by her husband's killer.  (Yes, that is how she thinks.  Did I mention the transphobia?)

We actually got all the paperwork signed, so now we just have to wait for the court to OK it and the 6 month timer to run out.  Once we have the court orders in hand we will have to meet once more to execute the orders splitting apart the joint accounts, and that will be it.

[SadieBlake]

You seem to be quite kind to your stbx. I wouldn't accommodate on presentation beyond dressing down and I'd sure as hell wear carefully applied makeup.

Whether your ID matches or not, dressing how you choose is absolutely your right and while I would tone down the femme if I want to avoid triggering, I would have conveyed my intention to present femme via the attorneys. Whether she then chooses to show up is her choice and if that increases the attorneys' fees I daresay you can also allocate that on her.

The only reason I'd have pulled punches in your shoes would have been if the backlash would have hurt your children.

Not trying to make you feel bad about accommodating, just not sure why you would. One of my few moments of pleasure in my own divorce proceedings reminds me of the conflict you've described.

With lawyers present my stbx who'd cheated on me after years of accusing me of infidelities that in fact never happened made some question about the fact that I now had a gf (I actually had several by then). Now this was timed after 2 years of separation which followed a year in which she refused any sexual contact. The year prior to *that*  we'd had sex exactly one time, all this after she'd insisted on my having a vasectomy in the grounds that she couldn't feel sexual with any pregnancy risk.

So at the time of the question I'd been in a new relationship for about a year and hadn't had any form of sexual contact and barely any emotional contact in the 3 years prior. I took some pleasure in replying calmly that this was no longer any of her business. I'm sure that that stung and I'm also sure my daughters experienced a bit if extra vitriol after that meeting however that was all on my ex.

The aftermath BTW has been that for the next decade there was a 50:50 chance when I picked up my kids her bf would be there. I never once said anything about that relationship or complained about his presence in my daughters' lives. My ex OTOH has to this day never once so much as said hello to my GF (of 18 years now) and a year post finalized divorce would still go into a rage if I showed up at an event for kids with my gf present.

This sad s**t continued right up to my daughters college graduation where the ex convinced my daughter to disinvite my gf from the ceremony. My gf hsd by then spent by then more than a decade in contact with my daughters and cares very much for them and I'm glad to say my kids today fully reciprocate in that.

Sadly, my ex kicked her bf of then 13 or so years to the curb when he was dealing with depression. I found that a bit ironic given when she'd told me she was done with the marriage and was interested in an old friend (said bf) I was thrown into a severe depression and that made her only more ready to dump me. I can only say I'm glad when my younger daughter began her own battle with depression a couple of years ago her mom finally had someone in trouble who she cared enough for to be supportive.

[Asche]

You seem to be quite kind to your stbx. I wouldn't accommodate on presentation beyond dressing down and I'd sure as hell wear carefully applied makeup.
.....

The only reason I'd have pulled punches in your shoes would have been if the backlash would have hurt your children.

That's why.  If you have kids with someone, you're entangled for the rest of your lives.

My divorce wasn't related to my being trans, but I have two kids with my ex, so I knew I was going to have to deal with her for a long time.  She'd been difficult even before I started the divorce process and only got lots worse once she knew.

But I took the long view and told my attorney that I wanted as amicable divorce as was possible, even if it cost me more, and fortunately my attorney wasn't into scorched-earth divorces, either.  I got out alive and with enough to live on, custody/visitation went about as well as it did before the divorce (they're now both over 21, so custody and child support are moot), and we're civil and can even cooperate on some things.

I did my best not to bad-mouth my ex to my kids and even played down some of the problems, but by now I think they both understand why I left.

Oh, a second reason: anger and hate take energy, and I'm an old lady.  I just don't have the energy any more.

P.S.: I wish my ex did have a boyfriend (or girlfriend.)  It might calm her down, and besides, I want her to be happy.  I still care about her, though I've learned the hard way that I have to keep my distance.

[SadieBlake]

Indeed you are forever entangled and that's why I walked that path as ethically as possible, and certainly worked hard to deflect the drama she liked to stir up.

However I draw the line at not being who I am. I made sure my ex and my kids knew I was a practicing bisexual and my (adult) kids have known I was trans for a long time.

Michelle, I hope that facebook feeler you got is the reopening of some sort of better connection.

[Michelle_P]

We're doing a mediated divorce, for both expediency and to make sure each of us has what we actually need.  Our other choices under state law would be an arbitrated divorce, in which two legal teams negotiate with each other, and we get stuck with whatever they come up with, and the bill, or a litigated divorce, including a trial in which we get stuck with whatever the court comes up with, and a huge bill.

Mediated is by far the best path for both of us.

That said, a mediated divorce requires both parties to be present and in a state where they can negotiate with each other.  My ex turns out to be severely transphobic.  I had hints about this beforehand, part of why I tried so hard to suppress myself all these years.  I can guarantee that if I appeared the way I look right now (sitting here typing and having my breakfast) that she would see me, turn, and walk out.  We would almost certainly have to move to litigation.

All of this has been really rough on our almost 26 year old daughter, who lives with Mom, but thought of me as her best friend.  That has been shredded as well.

I was really in a bad state yesterday after that session.  A friend stayed up with me online until I was falling asleep, which I really appreciated.  I'm doing better today, and will be meeting up with some folks in my support group later.


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[JeanetteLW]

Glad to hear you are in a better place today Michelle. Good friends are, well good. Hoping you have a rewarding day today.

hugs.
  Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Jeanette.  Yes, a much better day today.

My youngest daughter texted me today, not much, just complaining about being sick with a cold.  There was a little back and forth, and a little probing on how I felt on finalizing the divorce settlement. Still, it was contact that she originated.

I had a nice class at the UU church this morning, just a bit of orientation for new members really, but a nice social interaction.  The afternoon was fun.

I met up with some other folks in our social support group at a "Celebration of Friends", a social event in a consignment store closed to others for the late afternoon and evening.  Wine, cheese and shopping... It's a huge deal for the part time gals to get dressed and shop, and everybody socializes.  Around 8 the shop closed up and seven of us went to a pizza place next door.  Drinks and pizza for everyone!

At the end of the meal, I shared with them my new birth certificate, and said they were the group of friends I thought might understand the significance of my re-birth, and I wanted to share the event with them by buying dinner.  Lots of congratulations all around, and I thought it made for a fun way to celebrate my re-birth.  I just got home, tired and happy, all hugged out.

I'm feeling better today.

[JeanetteLW]

My youngest daughter texted me today, not much, just complaining about being sick with a cold.  There was a little back and forth, and a little probing on how I felt on finalizing the divorce settlement. Still, it was contact that she originated.

At the end of the meal, I shared with them my new birth certificate, and said they were the group of friends I thought might understand the significance of my re-birth, and I wanted to share the event with them by buying dinner.  Lots of congratulations all around, and I thought it made for a fun way to celebrate my re-birth.  I just got home, tired and happy, all hugged out.

I'm feeling better today.

Michelle,

  First I am soooo happy for you  that your daughter has reached out to you. I know it was just a little thing but when one is at the beginning of rebuilding that special relationship of a parent with a child it is HUGE!!!> Little steps and not pushing it is how she'll return and let you in again. Just be there for her. That's the best thing you can do. AND rejoice in EVERY win no matter how small. ( Yeah, Ive been there ) So I rejoice with you. It's awesome!

  I envy you and your social group. What a wonderful way to celebrate your rebirth.

   Hugs,
     Jeanette