An update on me...

[Michelle_P]

Four months of full-time life as me today!   I can honestly say these have been the happiest four months of my adult life.  I cannot recall any prior period when I woke up so happy, so alive, as I do now.

The rest of my weekend went well.  Sunday I went to services at the UU church, and afterwards i did cleanup for the coffee klatch.  Just washing dishes and picking up, really, very easy for me.  (I got good at doing dishes early in my Navy career.).  Beth, who does flower arrangements for the church, gave me a small bouquet!  It's still doing well on my dining room table.

Monday I had two sessions of electrolysis, about 2 hours each.  Due to her illness I didn't have a session the previous week, so there were twice as many hairs awakening and growing, hundreds on the upper lip so recently cleared.  So, she re-cleared everything, upper and lower lip, chin, out around 1.5" outside past the corners of the mouth.  Yes, ow, but wow, no hairs anywhere around the middle of my face!

Tuesday was pretty neat, in spite of the rain.  I went into Oakland, to Kaiser's Multi-Specialty Transitions (MST) clinic to meet my new endocrinologist.  She happens to be the Medical Director of the MST team.  I think I just bumped up my standard of care.  All the latest lab results look good, and she asked if I was interested in their other services.  Yes, please!  I meet with a speech therapist in two weeks, and a psychiatrist in three weeks to make sure I am capable of consenting to surgery, after which I get referrals for a trach shave, FFS, and GCS.

My ex needed some help with a few things; changing a refrigerator filter, signing up for medical insurance, and handling my daughters income taxes.  I sent her some needed information and pointed her to the 'Navigators' to help her set up insurance, and said I'd take care of the talk return (a 15 minute job; trivial return).  No physical presence wanted, just information.

Quite a day!

In the next few days I'll be off helping my mother-in-law out, doing some meetings related to instructional work and a huge test session I have coming up, meeting up with some friends for lunch, and then going out for dinner and a show, "The Vagina Monologues", with more friends. 

Am I socially transitioning yet? 😇

[JeanetteLW]

It does sound like you had a wonderful time so far this week Michelle. Especially with Kaiser. You make me envious of your progress. I want what you have. Congratulations

Hugs,
  Jeanette

[Dayta]

I'm going to start tuning in every other day, as it seems to ebb and flow in cycles, and I do enjoy reading about the good days.  I'm always sorry to hear about your (and everyone's, for that matter) difficulties, but I know it's good to air those out, and someone is always personally touched by the kinds of troubles we all seem to be plagued with sometimes.  I haven't plotted any of this out, but it sure sounds like the curve is heading upward, with the good outweighing the bad week by week.  As always, thanks for blazing the trail and making it just that much easier for the rest of us. 

Ad astra per aspera

Erin

[Michelle_P]

Erin, for me, at this stage, the good massively outweighs the bad.  I have had the four best months of my adult life, and the personal news for me is almost entirely positive.  I'm busy, socially engaged, and doing well in my physical and mental health.

Jeanette, you are just getting started.  Meet with your therapist, lay it all out, and find your path forward.  It gets better.

[Michelle_P]

The Vagina Monologues was both funny and poignant.  The show seems to have changed over the years.  In particular there is a segment with three transgender women that was touching, incredibly personal in feeling, that I do not remember seeing before.

The crab feed was just plain fun.  The Rainbow CC folks were fundraising through the whole thing, lots of energy there.  A friend of ours wanted a picture with both Honey Mahogany and I, and we obliged:


I was invited to an Oscar Party at a local home on Sunday.  The friend that invited me said to come either costumed as a character from one of last years movies, or to dress as an over-the-top guest on the red carpet.  There would be prizes. Um.  Was that a challenge?  Accepted!

Oh, BTW, I won Best Dressed Woman.  Gooooo Affirmation!

I spent the day with Jodie Buschman up in Vacaville, doing morning and afternoon electrolysis sessions, a couple hours each.  We were listening to lots of oldies, ELO, Bread, Mamas and the Papas, etc.  I hadn't heard some of those tunes in decades!  Between music and conversation (when I could move my jaw...) the time went by pretty fast.

She's got a new treatment chair, very comfortable, with a nice headrest and what feels like better back support.  It's great for those of us who have longer sessions.

Speaking of which, I couldn't believe the progress made today.  The upper lip, lower lip and chin area are all cleaned up again, and the previously almost untouched  left side of my neck from the jawline down is almost cleared.  She had an afternoon opening for Tuesday, so I'm going back in to get going on the right side of my neck from the jawline down.

That'll be almost 6 hours of work done on my mug this week.  That's a lot... 

The drawback is that after today's sessions, combined with the long drive in commute traffic, I am pretty much fried.  I'm going to try and catch up on the site, but I don't expect to try to do much, because I don't trust myself in this condition with any controls that might mess things up.


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[JeanetteLW]

Sounds like you had a fun/good/productive time.
  Kick off your shoes and relax. There's always tomorrow.

  Hugs,
     Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Well,this is an interesting anniversary. One year ago, I was connecting a metallic flex hose from my little car's exhaust manifold to the passenger compartment. I was sitting at my desk, counting out Vicodin tablets. I was making one last phone call.

Today, I've had the four happiest, most peaceful, most fulfilling four months of my adult life.

Things really can change. It gets better.

I'm so glad I chose this path out of the possible ways. It has had high points, and low points. There were days when I couldn't tell if I was coming or going. There were bad days, but folks helped me through them. Good folks right here helped me, nudged me back onto the path, gave me a kick when I needed one.  Thank you for that.

Life is worth living.  Do it.


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[JeanetteLW]

 Very glad you changed your mind a year ago Michelle. Who else would I have to equate losing a road grader with me losing track of my hiding places for my special things? Your humor is good and welcome. I like it and like having you around helping me and others with your experiences, achievements, encouragements and good cheer.

Glad you are here.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Rachel]

Congratulations Michelle, I am glad you had a change of heart. There is only one you and we would have missed getting to know you.

[2.B.Dana]

Michelle,
I have been meaning to post a thank you and this anniversary seems a fitting time. Your story and so many of your posts have been a great blessing to me personally. I have also shared many anecdotes with my wife and they have been launching points of good conversations. We really have no assets to negotiate over and are trying to stay together if at all possible. There are no promises but we take it a day at a time.
Just wanted to say thanks and let you know that your story has changed more lives than just your own. Almost forgot, luv your hair! Gives this bald jarhead hope!!
Thx Dana

[Michelle_P]

Thanks.  But... Dana, my hair comes in a box.      I have three pieces that are the honey/ginger color, all from HairUWear, with their aMemory Cap 2 lace front cap.  Two are the Raquel Welch line, "Crowd Pleaser".  The one in the avatar is a variation, with the hair about an inch longer and left straight.  (The hair is heat stylable synthetic.)

I'm glad I have given folks some discussion topics, or at least things to think about.  That has been one of the goals of my doing this, logging the daily minutiae against the background of my transition.  I thought it might be fun to share the experience, and perhaps it would give some insight into the whole transition and real life experience thing.

Speaking of which, I had my monthly one-on-one with the gender therapist today.  My progress has been rapid, to the point where some of my mental state has to play catchup with the rest.  Self image lags behind reality when we change this fast.  I've got 50 years of old male baggage that has to age out of the old neural networks before real self-acceptance at the fundamental level takes place.  Oh, I know who I am and consciously accept it, but the preoptic cortex and thalmic stuff is a slow learner.  It will just take time.  Meanwhile, my Doubt Monster is more of a Doubt Chihuahua, and I can deal with it when it gets noisy pretty quickly.

We did decide that it is time to bid farewell to the old diaries I kept pre-transition, the last records of the Sad Old Man.  He served me well and kept me safe for a half century, but now it is time for him to go.

It is a bittersweet thing, but I am happier now.

Tomorrow should be interesting.  In the evening I have a meeting at the UU church, where we will be re-constituting the LGBTQ Committee.  Seems there might just possibly be a need for some organization and outreach in that area, what with recent events and all.

Idle hands...  I painted my fingernails metallic gold with a lacquer topcoat.  Sparkly...

[JeanetteLW]

  Progress not perfection is how the saying goes.  Thank you for sharing yours with us Michelle. It does help us newer folk to see where we may be going. You do it well and with humor yet.
  I am glad to hear you are moving on and working on that deeper acceptance of who you are. I frequently struggle with that but I'm just starting out. It's to be expected. Yesterday I was really second guessing myself when I visited the local Q Center here in Portland. I just dropped in and there were no functions happening. I felt out of place. I felt like I didn't belong there. I felt I wasn't one of "them".  It was my first visit of any place like it. Needless to say I was out of my comfort zone.
   This was a scouting mission. I was casing the joint. I was preparing for tomorrow (Friday) night when I will return there for my first ever meeting of the trans-women group. I will freely admit that I have ulterior motives and a crutch to help me do this. I will be meeting with another of our members, Tessa.James. I eagerly look forward to that meeting.

   It is people like you and her that give us newbies to incentive and courage to take another step.
  Thank you both.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Roni-jalyn]

Hi Michelle,
Thank you for keeping us updated through everything. Of course I'm a new comer here. And one of the reasons is to find answers on how to deal with some of the same things that I have read in this thread. I need to go back and re-read some of them more carefully, but I have the high lights.

In my case, my family still does not know about my secret yearnings. I plan to write in detail about all of that soon, but for now will just hit the top surface. I'm sure divorce will come my way once all is out in the open, and like you, 30+ years in a conventional marriage is hard to just let slip away.

Then there are our children, who I "though" we had done a good job in teaching them to accept people in all walks of life. And for the most part they did. I have children who have best friends as trans friends. But when it comes to "their father" I have doubts. One child has even gotten a divorce because of the subject matter.

How to deal with that? Grown children who you fear will disown you once you come out? That is my biggest fear.

As I mentioned, I do plan on writing in detail later about all of this. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing what you have gone through. It helps. I know there is hope and life out there. You are a positive light. Thank you for being a beacon for me...us.

[SailorMars1994]

Just wondering Michelle. What makes electorlosis hurt so much more then Laser? i mean i thought laser was the worst pain imaginable but apprently from other who have done both, not so much. Stay strong my beautiful guardian trans-angel <3

[jentay1367]

I had another electrolysis marathon schedule on Monday, two 2 hour sessions.  I made it through 3 hours.  I don't know why, but the pain seemed so much worse this time, and I couldn't disassociate myself, could not get into that mindful state where I could just let the zaps go past, ignoring the transient pain and staying in the now.

I found myself focusing on the pain, anticipating the next insertion, panicked and trying very hard to control my breathing.  Goddess, but it hurt. I had to stop an hour into the second session.  I was so shaken up I could barely move, and was reduced to tears.

I honestly don't know if I can go back.  I may wind up having to fly to Texas to finish electrolysis under anesthesia.  It's just that bad.

I wish I knew what went wrong.

I feel your pain Michelle, Literally. I've come to the conclusion that it is the HRT. I started my Electro sessions prior to HRT and did 2 hour sessions on two days, back to back. It was an absolute walk in the park. No problems at all. My girl told me I was the toughest customer she'd ever had. Fast forward to decreasing testosterone and increasing estrogen. As the two swapped sides, so went my damned tolerance. By the time I'd been on the HRT for 4 months, what was previously a walk in the park, became untenable. I remember you couldn't get your E levels where you wanted and finally have. And now you're experiencing the joy of sticking your head in a wasps nest. Correlation?
      I'm now opting to finish up, doped up, with mass clearings. It actually got to the point I was having panic attacks. I'll assume that's what you experienced the other day. I've always had an incredibly high tolerance for pain, but electro finally did me in. Just wanted to share with you on the "misery loves company" wavelength. Lisa

[JeanetteLW]

Michelle

   I had already written a response to this but apparently yet another one of those warning messages saying someone else had posted a response came up where I once again did not see it and another of my responses was lost.

**sigh**

  I guess I'll just say, I'm sorry you had such a difficult time at your session.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Rachel]

I purchased numb off of Amazon which helps. They also use a numbing topical agent. I also take 3 Motrin before electrolysis. I do 2 hours at a time and at 1 hour 45 minutes is difficult.

When I am at events in the gayborhood there are always people in drag. There are guys in thongs and leather too. Most people are dressed as one does in social situations but there are some above and beyond.

[Susan]

Several of the messages in this thread violated TOS 10b, and have been removed...

10. Bashing or flaming of an individual or group is not acceptable behavior on this website and will not be tolerated in the slightest for any reason.  This includes but is not limited to:

• Advocating the separation or exclusion of one or more group from under the Transgender umbrella term. The same restriction applies to advocating the removal of the T from GLBT.
• Suggesting or claiming that one segment or sub-segment of our community is more or less legitimate, deserving, or real than any others.
• Suggesting that Trans people are not really men (FTM) or women (MTF).
  
• Posting any messages that engages in personal attacks and/or is actively or passively aggressive no matter the provocation.

This site is for a diverse community and as a member you have to accept that others may have presentations, identities, or beliefs which do not match your own. You are free to have differing beliefs even ones that go against the positions established by myself or the rules of this site. However, with that being said, you are not free to advocate for those positions on this site.

This is what comprises the Transgender Community for the purposes of this web site...

Transgender: an inclusive umbrella term which covers anyone who transcends their birth gender for any reason. This includes but is not limited to Androgynes, Crossdressers, Drag kings, Drag queens, Intersexuals, Transsexuals, and Transvestites.

Moderators are held to a higher standard and as such I have removed Michelle_P's posting privileges for a few days. I am sure Cindy will have a few choice words for her as well.

[SailorMars1994]

Im lost.. what had happened?? 

[Devlyn]

You're better off not knowing. 

Hugs, Devlyn