An update on me...

[jentay1367]

   It is a strange feeling, taking a 39 year shared experience, and having someone decide to flush half a lifetime down the toilet like it was a dead goldfish, because they were afraid of what their friends would say. ("You're a transphobic fool!", I hope. )

You wouldn't be human if you didn't lament a loss like that, Michelle. You can't think or make decisions for your wife. But you can take the high road as you always have, and there is solace in that.

[davina61]

That's the reaction I got of my wife, not how can I help or lets talk about this just" what will people say and think of me "So after 30 years and 3 kids I am just waiting for the letter, wont do anything myself. It is a strange one ,I also got "I would rather you had an affair "  but then she turned her back on me over 10 years ago when my business went bust and we had to remorgage to cover the bills

[jentay1367]

I'm not sure if the indictment should be against our selfish spouses or our own character judgement regarding choosing a life mate. It's a harsh reality to wake up to the fact that you were a roof, a sperm donor and a paycheck. But better to find out, than to never know so at least you can right the wrong, as many of you have done. I often wonder if the guilt many of us feel is warranted! "For better or worse".......what happened to that? Goodbye and good luck should probably be most of our mantras. But these things are hard. Especially for those that are sensitive and caring.

[echo7]

We spent two hours at dinner chatting and catching up, with me trying very hard to use my deep listening tools to pay close attention to everything she was saying, and deliberately making the conversation about her.  (Too much 'me', not enough 'her' has been an issue in the past.).

Good for you!  That is one of the more difficult habits for late transitioners to overcome.  The old 'mansplaining' conversation habits tend to carry over even after transition and so you need to make a conscious effort to be a good listener.  Becoming a good listener helps you develop more empathy toward others and is something that women are socialized to do from an early age.

[Raell]

Michelle_P It's almost past and done with, and there is no reason to dwell on it, but I do.  I'll get over it, and treat it like any other event in the past, something we cannot alter in retrospect, and must accept as part of the past from which we move forward.
So, forward it is.

Brave words, but the pain of loss of a mate can feel overwhelming. In my case, I moved to Thailand in 2010 to distract myself as quickly as possible.
In your case, you have friends and a support group, so you are far ahead of what I (at least thought) I had at the time.

[HappyMoni]

Michelle,
   Can I just add that maybe a little look back at where you were a short time ago and where you are now is something to be proud of. Given very difficult circumstances, it might have been easy for you to crumble. Instead you have come so far in building a new life. That is pretty awesome, your strength, amazing!
Moni

[Michelle_P]

The whole process is a massive self-improvement effort.  I've found that I actually like just listening and focusing on others.   A maternal streak?     Internet grandma to a new generation of kids in our community?  I don't know yet.

Raell, I very deliberately set out to make connections and new friends after I was told by my ex that I would lose my family and all my friends.  I didn't lose most of my family or my friends, and I made some absolutely wonderful new ones.  A few people I knew casually dropped contact, some others renewed it.

Moni, I do actually look back from time to time, and we reinforce this about once a month in therapy sessions.  Think of it as strength building for the mind.  "Gimmee 20 reps!"

[Michelle_P]

Well, I've posted here and there about stuff in my life, but I do want to try and collect it into one place as well.

Big stuff that happens to me recently included the divorce becoming final, grinding through CoveredCA.com to update the insurance situation, and getting clocked and confronted on Sunday.  Therapy sessions were had, and I Did Stuff in compensation.

I've posted about the divorce finalization date.  Nothing Happened.  I continued living my life, made a note, updated my Facebook status, and that was about it.  A friend referred me to a counseling service she has used to help deal with breakups.  Oh, and they also run a lesbian dating service. Maybe she was hinting I need to start doing something, but I don't think I'm ready yet.

I had posted elsewhere about my trip to the grocery store on Sunday:

A large man, looking like an out of shape linebacker with a patchy beard, was coming the other way.  He stopped, blocking the sidewalk.  "Hey, you a <obscene reference to gay male>?"  Thick accent.  Eastern European?  Uh oh.  Left hand in purse, safety off on the pepper spray. Move toward street.  He matches the move.  "What the <heck>?", I say.  He steps toward me.  I pull out the canister, aim, nozzle toward his eyes, ready to fire, sweep, and run.  "Hey, no pepper! I like <obscenity>!" 

He steps back, and I bolt through right lane and past him.  He laughs.

Someone actually raised the point in Group that perhaps he just doesn't have the right language and was being friendly.  It sure didn't feel that way. 

Anyway, I resolved not to spend the rest of my days in hiding, but to get out for all of the next day and interact with people.  I thought I'd combine this with celebrating the divorce by doing things that my ex had said at various points that I was Forbidden from Doing. 


So, on Monday, I:
1) Got my ears pierced
2) got a manicure and gel
3) went out to dinner at a new place
4) made an appointment to get my brows done Tuesday, since completed

No incidents, no crazy people, and eve though I absolutely know I was clocked (come on, those eyebrow ridges and that forehead?  The brow person commented on the electrolysis work, fergoshsakes), nobody was rude or impolite, "Ma'am"ed everywhere.   

Today I just need to make a Costco run and hit Sephora for a few things I am running low on.  I might get lunch at Panera here in the downtown area, as I really like their spicy Thai salad and they do half-orders.

BTW, if anyone is in the area and wants to meet and talk, I usually will buy them lunch as well.  Just let me know.

[Shy]

Good for you Michelle. There's something liberating about getting your ears pierced isn't there? Have fun shopping for new earrings when they've properly healed. It's one of my monthly pleasures.

Did you go for wax or threading on the brows, or good old fashioned plucking?

They did a good job on the nails.

Great to see you getting out there Michelle, sorting out the essentials. I'm always surprised how much the little things make such a big difference.

Peace and love and good stuff,

Sadie

[davina61]

Yes went ear ring shopping in my lunch break, got a new pair for the one I lost, some "diamond " studs and gold plated hoops and some bracelets . Well it was pay day today and a girls got to treat herself .

[Michelle_P]

Good for you Michelle. There's something liberating about getting your ears pierced isn't there? Have fun shopping for new earrings when they've properly healed. It's one of my monthly pleasures.

Liberating is an understatement. This set of actions was a poke in the eye at the American gender conformity structure and the old home restrictions that had me curling up in a ball and crying whenever I had to come home and live under my ex's rules.

The actual piercing was anticlimactic, less discomfort than one probe insertion in electrolysis. I've already got a pair of pearls on silver studs to swap in once the ears heal.

Did you go for wax or threading on the brows, or good old fashioned plucking?

Wax, very comfortable other than the little tug, and some plucking to finish. I used the Benefit Brow Bar at the downtown Macy's. There I was, parked on a stool in the middle of their cast cosmetics area, giving the other customers a chance to take a good long look. [emoji78] The tech doing my brows had some questions on my electrolysis work and thought it was coming along really well.

They did a good job on the nails.

Yes, especially with what she had to start with. Heavy ridges, one with a long split that she mended with some sort of two-part catalyst mix, all stained and discolored. This was definitely worthwhile doing, as the nails and quicks are mended, neatened, look and feel better, and the split one is no longer a snagging hazard and is pain-free when typing

Great to see you getting out there Michelle, sorting outwit the essentials. I'm always surprised how much the little things make such a big difference.

I feel better, look better, and I honestly think these visual cues add to my passing likelihood when someone focuses on me out on the street

It's a good thing, and arguably worthwhile doing.


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[p]

Well aren't you just as pretty as a picture! I love that nail color. I agree that these cues do add up when it comes to passing/blending. Such a good idea to pamper yourself!

[Michelle_P]

Well aren't you just as pretty as a picture! I love that nail color. I agree that these cues do add up when it comes to passing/blending. Such a good idea to pamper yourself!

LOL!  I'm out there rocking this 63 year old bod and blasting my way into Weird Old Ladyhood. (I like to set potentially achievable goals.  [emoji78])

I'm convinced that visual gender identification is something that falls out of the previsual cortex as quite literally the result of neural network processing. That is, the identification is the result of a weighted sum of individual elements and aggregates. More appropriate clues in our presentation, and fewer inappropriate ones, move the summed output closer to the gender we present as.


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[jentay1367]

LOL!  I'm out there rocking this 63 year old bod and blasting my way into Weird Old Ladyhood. (I like to set potentially achievable goals.  [emoji78])

I'm convinced that visual gender identification is something that falls out of the previsual cortex as quite literally the result of neural network processing. That is, the identification is the result of a weighted sum of individual elements and aggregates. More appropriate clues in our presentation, and fewer inappropriate ones, move the summed output closer to the gender we present as.


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Well if you ain't hit the friggin' tipping point yet, It would surprise the hell out of me.

[Michelle_P]

*SIGH*  One step forward, one step back.

Kaiser Multi-Specialty Transitions clinic called me today to let me know that they were scheduling a new vaginoplasty prep & training class that I could be enrolled in.  This is a one afternoon session with a surgeon and related folks, including post-op clients, to give us some basic info and training on the process.  I'm now scheduled to have the class on July 27.  Yay.

My initial consult with the surgeon, the session where various bits would be inspected and measured to determine the details of my vaginoplasty was scheduled for July 26.  That appointment has disappeared from the Kaiser calendar.

I've sent in a request to let me know what is going on.

[Michelle_P]

There's something new.  Theres ALWAYS something new.

My latest labs came in today.  I have Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease.  Damn it.   One more thing to be used to argue against my transition and surgeries.  Another dubious gift from the universe.

What is really annoying is that it is solely because the Glomular Filtration Rate, a measure of kidney efficiency, has dropped below 60 for two readings in a row.  58.  Fifty freaking eight. Both readings. So, the computer kicks out a diagnosis and flags my file, all very efficient.  There is no sign of protein buildup, or creatinine being out of spec.  Every other number in my bloodwork is ridiculously normal.  My blood pressure is low normal.  My weight is excellent for my height and build.  One freaking number...

One good thing I've found is that Spiro and particularly estradiol are protective of nephritic tissue, and have been shown to slow or even slightly reverse damage.  That gives me ammunition to argue for continuing HRT.  For surgery, though, this raises 'issues' with anesthesiology, with mutterings of clearance rates and NSAID intolerance.

And, of course, my surgeon's consult for GCS is gone from the appointment calendar.

I'm supposed to be staying calm and relaxed today, before I get my fMRI scans in the morning.  I'm a test subject!  I get pumped full of potions and get to do the same thing over and over while holding my head very, very still. 

I'm keeping insanely busy with other things as well.  That helps.  Too much idle time isn't good for me...

[jentay1367]

I'm so aorry to hear that, Michelle. If youre not spilling protein and your bun and Creatinine are relatively constant, I would think you could probably test different with a diet change. Cut way down on your animal based protein intake, up your volume of clean fluid and test again next month. Wouldn't be aurprised if you fall back into the reference range. Gotta do something so try and be proactive here. Just another one of those walls you get to kick down. Not being glib, just trying to offer helpful suggestions.

[LizK]

*SIGH*  One step forward, one step back.

Kaiser Multi-Specialty Transitions clinic called me today to let me know that they were scheduling a new vaginoplasty prep & training class that I could be enrolled in.  This is a one afternoon session with a surgeon and related folks, including post-op clients, to give us some basic info and training on the process.  I'm now scheduled to have the class on July 27.  Yay.

My initial consult with the surgeon, the session where various bits would be inspected and measured to determine the details of my vaginoplasty was scheduled for July 26.  That appointment has disappeared from the Kaiser calendar.

I've sent in a request to let me know what is going on.

As we say here in our house when another thing piles on top of an already tough situation...

"Why the hell not?" in other words "of course something else is going to happen to complicate the situation"

One more obstacle in your way that I am sure you will work but sometimes I just want to scream "Enough!"...

I hope this turns out to be just a minor hitch for you.

[Anne Blake]

My last set of blood tests gave a Glomerular Filtration Rate of 58 or 59 and they noted that the number was below 60. My doctor's response to this was that virtually no one above the age 50 are 60 or above on that metric. He said that 56 to 59 is normal for his patients and not to be worried about. He was more concerned about rate of change; for me and it appears for you it is stable. By the way, my doctor has given approval for gcs with my gfr at 59 - Good luck. Anne

[Dena]

I pulled up my last three tests and checked them out.

May 2016
GFR 94
BUN 9

October 2016
GFR 91
BUN 9

April 2017
GFR 81
BUN 13

What can we conclude from this? Dena was a bad girl before the April test and wasn't drinking enough water causing the levels to go up. It's not difficult to do in this climate as it draws the water out of you.