An update on me...

[Jessica Lynne]

Meanwhile, on the medical front at Kaiser NorCal...

I have GCS scheduled for Oct 20 2017, about 8 weeks away.  That was an amazingly close date.

Unfortunately, while I have been evaluated for FFS, I am on a waitlist to be eventually scheduled for surgery when the calender opens up farther out.  The proposed surgery will be in two parts at least 6 months apart.

The kicker is that I will be forced onto Medicare in November 2018, in the Kaiser SeniorAdvantage program.  That means I'll have no coverage for FFS, and will wind up paying the full bill at 'list price' from Kaiser's Charge Master.  That's a six figure price!

It appears the current plan is effectively to 'wait and see' and eventually be declined as an uncovered treatment.   I'll be filing a complaint, but we know how effective that will be. 

I'm afraid I'll be looking into overseas travel to get FFS, perhaps Thailand or Spain.  I've filed for a new passport with the corrected gender and name.  The check to the State Department cleared today, so something is happening on that front.

Time to start digging through the FFS area and picking out possible destinations and surgeons.  Yuck.   Once again, I have to gamble with the rest of my life.

I'd check out the Preecha Aesthetic Institute.  They have some impressive results and their prices are quite reasonable. All performed in a First Class Hospital. Good luck, Michelle. If you need any other info...PM me.

[LizK]

My US passport arrived today. Correct name and gender, good for 10 years. That removes a large class of obstacles.

I had my three month cancer screening today. No signs of the melanoma returning, all lymph nodes normal. I had the usual dozen or so questionable spots frozen off, and biopsy done of an active patch on the edge of an old excision site.   A general surgery may be needed to do a larger excision. Unfortunately it's on my chest just below the neck. Nice and visible.

I've got s few other things going on that may be relevant here as well. More in a few days.


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Nice one Michelle on the clearance and the Passport.

[Michelle_P]

Well, life goes on.  Insanely busy, but holding it together.

I've been working on several projects, from graphics for branding a fundraising event, to production work for an amateur radio license test session for about 100 people.  This keeps me hopping, of course.

Being so busy would normally be a good thing for me, if only to keep me distracted.  I don't handle idle alone time all that well, or at least I didn't months ago. I haven't had any in a while. I'm trying to wrap up a zillion loose ends and ongoing projects now before surgery.  Once I'm in recovery from my surgery I'll be writing articles like crazy, for publications and the wiki here.  That's the plan, anyway.

I've got the passport now, and at least one friend is interested in traveling with me on an overseas vacation.  Just a vacation!  I'm waiting to hear back from my medical provider on FFS timing to see if I'll be able to get it, with that Medicare age arriving in a bit over a year and the changes in coverage.  If I can't get it here I'll be looking into more overseas travel as well as a few providers in the US.

I've even got a social life!  I'll be filling in for a local trans social group leader in hosting an event Saturday, and have been invited to another event Sunday.

I've even had interesting developments in my personal life that I'm trying to process.  A dear friend had a heart-to-heart with me, after a couple weeks where I didn't hear from her, and it turns out that this person had feelings for me which were confusing and disturbing her.  She was quite conflicted until she saw my gender identity presentation and realized some things about herself, and the different types of attraction between individuals.   I think we've resolved everything and will remain very good friends, after a very awkward conversation.  My therapist thought I had done OK in handling this, but... wow.  Definitely unexpected.

On the down side, I was attending a luncheon event Thursday when another attendee approached me while I was enjoying an amazing chocolate cake with my coffee.  She had also seen my gender presentation, and had questions.  Very persistent questions.

"Are you gay?"  Well, I am a lesbian.  "No, i mean..."  No, I am not a failed gay man who couldn't come out and is trying to trick men.  I am attracted to women.

"Just like a real woman..."  Dear, I AM a real woman.  I just had to take a rather circuitous route to get here.  Who we are lives in the brain, not a few ounces of soft tissue between our legs.

I just wanted to enjoy a wonderful chocolate cake and my coffee, not do another personalized presentation demanding that I Bare My Soul To Them.  But, here I am, trying to explain fetal development and epigenetic effects to someone demanding answers.  I tried, I really did, but they couldn't be troubled to listen and walked away.

If someone wants to talk to me, I'd rather talk about cooking, great coffee places, urban trekking, the best day trips locally, goofy stuff in the news.  Anything but "justify your existence to me in 30 seconds."

If you insist on demanding to know the most intimate details of my life experience, please remember that I Do NOT Owe You An Explanation, and if I do tell you something, do me the courtesy of at least listening, actually listening, to all of it rather than walking away.

Way to harsh my mellow.

I vented on the phone with another friend, who helped me process this garbage.  I'll get over it.  Mostly, it points out to me how much work I still need to do with myself to develop the confidence to set hard limits and push back on these people.  Consider it a growth opportunity.

Great reply for "You look just like a real woman."; "So do you, dear."  ...meow...

Meanwhile, I've got to get a few more things together for hosting that event tomorrow, and quite a bit for my surgery next month.  I'm afraid I won't be around here all that much, but there are immediate demands on my life that are important for me to address.

[Thea]

"justify your existence to me in 30 seconds."

You hit the nail on the head with that one! It can be really hard to deal with the self-righteous know-it-alls we sometimes run into. I really respect and admire your approach. I am so glad most people I meet aren't like that.

[Maybebaby56]

"Just like a real woman..."  Dear, I AM a real woman.  I just had to take a rather circuitous route to get here.  Who we are lives in the brain, not a few ounces of soft tissue between our legs.

Hi Michelle,

I have been following your thread for quite some time and admire your moxie.

The whole existential conundrum on what a "real woman" is has always caused me angst. I never considered myself a "real woman".  I am a transsexual female; a female spirit in a male body that I have managed to modify as much as medical science will permit. I really couldn't tell you if that makes me a woman or not.

My membership into the Sisterhood only goes as far as cis-gender women will accept me. As far as what men think, I really don't care. For me it's only what other women think that matters.  I can only hope my kindredness toward other women and genuine feelings of femininity will be enough for an associate membership.  My goal in transition has always been the ability to assume a female social role, and be perceived and treated as a female. That's kind of a cop-out, in some respects, but it's practical and it saves me from the philosophical tug-of-war that would otherwise overwhelm my modest and otherwise benign goals for my existence in the remaining years of my life.

Wishing you all the best,

Terri

[LizK]

Great reply for "You look just like a real woman."; "So do you, dear."  ...meow...

Love your work...I like that and the circuitous route comment out of all of them and I can certainly think of occasions where I can use them. 

[Michelle_P]

I had my usual Monday with two 2 hour electrolysis sessions.  This stuff goes way faster as the mature hair vanishes and we have nothing but immature active hairs left.

In today's session, we:
* cleared the South Pole a 5th time as part of GCS prep
* cleared the upper lip again
* cleared the right cheek and neck

Using a lower current and shorter pulse, with a thin #3 probe with extra long insulation was much more comfortable than the early days, but was sufficient to zap the immature hairs.  Yay!

My electrolyst had an opening Thursday afternoon, which I grabbed.  I may have my entire face cleared again this week, like two weeks ago!  Yaaaay!

This means that I have shaved once in the past three weeks, when I had no electrolysis last week and the few hairs left were getting far too long.  [emoji50]. [emoji4]

Pretty neat.

Meanwhile, I've still got lots of balls in the air.  A large local amateur radio organization approached me to take on the Vice President position for 2018.   It's an honor, but I don't think I want to add this to my activities, as I'm constantly overbooked as is.

I've got several graphic arts projects going, needing display artwork done.  Unfortunately, one of the items is subject to approval by a committee, so pretty much anything I do is doomed to be buried in committee meetings and revisions.  Not A Rush Job...

There's that big Amateur Radio exam session and class in a few weeks, so lots to do for that.

Oh, and there is a major surgery in less than 6 weeks.



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[Laurie]

 yeah Michelle, I like that "Oh btw I got major surgery coming up"  Piece of cake, not to worry, no big deal.

Don't make me come hunt you down....

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Vanny]

My sense of humor seems to have deteriorated recently.  I may not be thinking completely straight.  There's a reason for that.

I was one of those folks who thought that they might be able to transition and keep their family together, fueled by fantasies of the spouse and I just being comfortable platonic roommates (which we were before I came out...), and perhaps shopping with my daughter ("We'll go into Forever 21 right after I check out the sale at Talbot's...")

Nope.

My spouse lives in fear of seeing me as myself, and worse, my being seen by her friends or our neighbors.  I can't be myself at home, and we go through a ritual of text messages when I leave or return.  This is causing her much anxiety, to the point where she asked me to leave after the holidays.  Presumably I would hover around the holiday feasts like Banquo's ghost.  I had posted on this a bit a week ago.

Well, the schedule has been advanced a bit.  I've been asked to be out by November 1.  She likes the idea of a hard deadline.  We'll be doing a straightforward mediated divorce.  California law is clear on how we have to proceed, so the biggest issue is who gets the coffee grinder.  (I do.)

Meanwhile, besides dismantling myself at home, I now am dismantling 40 years of my life.  I'm sorting through and stripping down my library, giving away tools (table saws are inappropriate in a small condo...), trying to pack away my little engineering lab, and so on.  I'm also searching real estate ads and websites, making appointments to see apartments, and such.  Oh, and I'm also opening new credit and checking accounts and preparing to close old ones.

You know, the usual...

I'd be numb with depression if I wasn't so damn busy.  But I've got to do this.  It's not enough to take me down.


"There's a moment that changes a life when
We do something that no one else can
And the path that we've taken will lead us:
One final stand."
- "I May Fall", Jeff Williams

And once I'm past this point, those good days will be my every days.

WE HAVE never met but I have been to that point and made the move. 

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this. 
It will all be better off one day.  I have come to believe that life has a Path for each of us and you are walking down that path.  All works out way better in the end. 

Depression.... vs BUSY.  MY GOODNESS you are busy, but it is also good to grieve a bit.  I never did by the way!  I was angry, glad, baffled, concerned for my children etc ... i never shed a tear.   IMHO it sounds like your life is waiting for you.  Your kids will come.  Give them a few years and boom.  I never bashed the ex wife and supported her decisions with them and questioned them to her directly.   Now all kids are coming to me this year flying across the USA to see me on their dime.    My point.  Kids need time to reflect. Just tell them you love them always and they will likely return.

Moving. Moving for me was a cleansing process.  It seems that way for you.  Time to throw out the old, bad, unused, what have I been holding on to my college books for twenty years for event.  When I landed. I found myself getting rid of most except furniture from my family history.  I found I cleansed my past, part of the process.  I did it yearly.   If I would have thrown it all out upfront my moving bill would have been 200.00.  Lol. 

I wish you the best.  I like you have a new beginning.  I have 8 children now, wife and a dog[emoji849]!  A piece of land that kicks my ass daily.  A pool I have never swum in. Weeds that won't die and a house that I need to completely remodel. 1/3 way through.   But now I can be VANNY!

Best of luck to you!


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[Michelle_P]

yeah Michelle, I like that "Oh btw I got major surgery coning up"  Piece of cake, not to worry, no big deal.

Don't make me come hunt you down....

Hugs,
   Laurie

Oh, now I see your ways!

Wait til I'm wounded and have retreated to my den, and only then make your approach.

Hrmph! Fortunately I share my residence with a pack of honey badgers. You won't stand a chance!



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[Michelle_P]

Vanny, keep in mind that post was from 11 months ago, and I was chock full of depression and anxiety. The past 10 months have been the happiest of my adult life.

I have certainly had my ups and downs as recorded in this thread, but am overall much happier and centered than I had ever been before.

Yes, I lost a lot, but I have gained a new life, certainly worth something.


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[Laurie]

Oh, now I see your ways!

Wait til I'm wounded and have retreated to my den, and only then make your approach.

Hrmph! Fortunately I share my residence with a pack of honey badgers. You won't stand a chance!

Michelle 

   Do you honestly think I would... ooops wait a minute, now that I think of it I may have already done that one before. It's been so long ago now that I almost forgot. Wait, wait, I think it's coming back now something about another wounded creature ruining my hunt... Now just what was it?  A Mini or Meenie something.. Well whatever it was I remember I had to give up the hunt because  there was no challenge there. I was lead to believe it would be a formidable foe but it was just a poor wounded bedridden creature surrounded by a somber group of caretakers. I do have to admit those caretakers were and very compassionate bunch.

  Are you telling me the trip would not be worth my while?  Perhaps the honey badgers would be a worthy challenge.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[steph2.0]

Fortunately I share my residence with a pack of honey badgers.

Honey badger don't give a sh*t.

The best defense is a strong offense: M*k**v*r

Stephanie

[Vanny]

Vanny, keep in mind that post was from 11 months ago, and I was chock full of depression and anxiety. The past 10 months have been the happiest of my adult life.

I have certainly had my ups and downs as recorded in this thread, but am overall much happier and centered than I had ever been before.

Yes, I lost a lot, but I have gained a new life, certainly worth something.


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Whew! [emoji41][emoji109]


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[Michelle_P]

Are you telling me the trip would not be worth my while?  Perhaps the honey badgers would be a worthy challenge.

Hugs,
   Laurie

They are clever beasts.  There's a drawer full of booby traps in the apartment that they might deploy.  In pairs, of course.

Laurie, you are always welcome here.  There's space for your truck in the garage, I have a sofa bed that can be made up easily, and after my last visit to Wicked Grounds in SF for coffee and whatnot, you'll be able to stay as long as I want. 

[Laurie]

They are clever beasts.  There's a drawer full of booby traps in the apartment that they might deploy.  In pairs, of course.

Laurie, you are always welcome here.  There's space for your truck in the garage, I have a sofa bed that can be made up easily, and after my last visit to Wicked Grounds in SF for coffee and whatnot, you'll be able to stay as long as I want.

But are the booby traps a 40A? and are they pretty?  And all the comforts of home too. It's those "whatnots" that I am a bit concerned about though especially in light of you last sentence... Though it might me interesting.

There will be a visit. Mark my words.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Michelle_P]

Just some fun stuff...

I'm winding up most of my extracurricular activities. There is a huge radio amateur license class and exam session in early October, and a two hour class I'm doing next week. I've got a few more graphic arts projects, mostly logo designs for a nonprofit. Then it will be all "me" time for surgery prep, pantry stocking, and getting my support network up to speed.

I'm heading off the first week in October to hike Mt Lassen. This is a form of retreat and an opportunity for meditation and centering before surgery. The mountains reputation as a nexus of spiritual power doesn't hurt, either.

It will be nice to get away.



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[Laurie]

Just some fun stuff...

I'm heading off the first week in October to hike Mt Lassen. This is a form of retreat and an opportunity for meditation and centering before surgery. The mountains reputation as a nexus of spiritual power doesn't hurt, either.

It will be nice to get away.

  Yep it will be nice for you to settle down a bit. Hey Mt Lassen?!? That only what 460 miles from here. That's just down the road a piece. Enjoy your meditation.

Hugs,
   Laurie

 

[Anne Blake]

Michelle, enjoy your time hiking Lassen, I have done a week in it's backcountry some thirty five years ago and I don't imagine that it has changed much since then. Such a lovely place to let your soul wander and refresh itself.

Tia Anne

[Megan.]

Just some fun stuff...

I'm winding up most of my extracurricular activities. There is a huge radio amateur license class and exam session in early October, and a two hour class I'm doing next week. I've got a few more graphic arts projects, mostly logo designs for a nonprofit. Then it will be all "me" time for surgery prep, pantry stocking, and getting my support network up to speed.

I'm heading off the first week in October to hike Mt Lassen. This is a form of retreat and an opportunity for meditation and centering before surgery. The mountains reputation as a nexus of spiritual power doesn't hurt, either.

It will be nice to get away.



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I hope the weather behaves nicely for you Michelle on your hike. X

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