An update on me...

[Megan.]

Michelle,  I'm so glad everything continues to go well for you. Thank you for sharing your story. X

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[p]

Sounds like you are healing nicely! Sorry to hear about your "door prize" (there's that famous sense of humor!). Keep burying those dots, lady!

[Sno]

(Hugs)

So pleased that you're home, and healing well.

Rowan

[Michelle_P]

And the healing continues!  Swelling has gone down to the point that I can carefully sit without the donut.  Things still look odd down there from the remaining swelling, but I can see hints of how the tissue will ultimately fold and lay once the swelling is gone, that is, I will have a nicely boring vulva and internals. 

I've managed to stick to the dilation schedule pretty well, and haven't lost any depth yet.  It can take several minutes to get back to where I was on each dilation.

I'm up to walking around 3,000 steps a day, 1.5 miles roughly. 

I'm pretty sure I've got my estradiol levels up again, even on the halved dosage from before surgery.  I am very curious to see what my levels are now, as I have started getting some very interesting mental states related to hormones.  Strong romantic/sexual urges are popping up.

I found myself waltzing to a nice piano piece a little while ago.  I consider that unusual behavior for me, albeit harmless and fun.

I have the oddest sensation that something is about to happen to me, like an energy slowly building up.  I have no idea what it might be, other than a sense of both power and good.

For all I know, it may just mean I need to have some hormone levels tweaked, but it IS an interesting set of feelings and states of mind.  (Perhaps testosterone is now up to the female normal range from the massively suppressed level spironolactone produced.  After all, a few other bits of tissue generate T besides the missing twins.)

[Megan.]

Love to hear your recovery continues in positive direction. X

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[SadieBlake]

Dang Michelle you're one fast-healing woman!

So happy for you :-) all the best wishes and hugs as well.

[MlleMelanie]

Dang it sounds like you are doing pretty darned good girl

Àaaa[emoji55][emoji55][emoji58][emoji9][emoji9]

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[Kenzie4realz]

My sense of humor seems to have deteriorated recently.  I may not be thinking completely straight.  There's a reason for that.

I was one of those folks who thought that they might be able to transition and keep their family together, fueled by fantasies of the spouse and I just being comfortable platonic roommates (which we were before I came out...), and perhaps shopping with my daughter ("We'll go into Forever 21 right after I check out the sale at Talbot's...")

Nope.

My spouse lives in fear of seeing me as myself, and worse, my being seen by her friends or our neighbors.  I can't be myself at home, and we go through a ritual of text messages when I leave or return.  This is causing her much anxiety, to the point where she asked me to leave after the holidays.  Presumably I would hover around the holiday feasts like Banquo's ghost.  I had posted on this a bit a week ago.

Well, the schedule has been advanced a bit.  I've been asked to be out by November 1.  She likes the idea of a hard deadline.  We'll be doing a straightforward mediated divorce.  California law is clear on how we have to proceed, so the biggest issue is who gets the coffee grinder.  (I do.)

Meanwhile, besides dismantling myself at home, I now am dismantling 40 years of my life.  I'm sorting through and stripping down my library, giving away tools (table saws are inappropriate in a small condo...), trying to pack away my little engineering lab, and so on.  I'm also searching real estate ads and websites, making appointments to see apartments, and such.  Oh, and I'm also opening new credit and checking accounts and preparing to close old ones.

You know, the usual...

I'd be numb with depression if I wasn't so damn busy.  But I've got to do this.  It's not enough to take me down.


"There's a moment that changes a life when
We do something that no one else can
And the path that we've taken will lead us:
One final stand."
- "I May Fall", Jeff Williams

And once I'm past this point, those good days will be my every days.

"The secret to happiness is freedom... And the secret to freedom is courage" .... You're well on the way [emoji272][emoji178][emoji272]

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[Michelle_P]

"The secret to happiness is freedom... And the secret to freedom is courage" .... You're well on the way [emoji272][emoji178][emoji272]

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Yes, and the past 13 months since I started this thread have seen much of that journey.  It's remarkable how much I've changed, how much more of myself is operating, exposed, and interacting with the world, than back then.  I had kept so much of myself packed away and hidden while trying to pass as a male.

I'm better now.  I feel better, and I think that I am a better human being for it.  I don't know what the Universe has in store for me, but I suspect I'll find out soon.

[Kenzie4realz]

Yes, and the past 13 months since I started this thread have seen much of that journey.  It's remarkable how much I've changed, how much more of myself is operating, exposed, and interacting with the world, than back then.  I had kept so much of myself packed away and hidden while trying to pass as a male.

I'm better now.  I feel better, and I think that I am a better human being for it.  I don't know what the Universe has in store for me, but I suspect I'll find out soon.

A little part of a song from my fav guy "Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and release"  its a pretty amazing thing when we truly find ourselves. Stay true to you [emoji272][emoji259][emoji272]

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[Laurie]

Hi Michelle,

  It is good to read about how well you are healing in body and heart. I suspect those friends you have around you help in those things a lot. Whatever it is, it is working well for you.

[Michelle_P]

Hi Michelle,

  It is good to read about how well you are healing in body and heart. I suspect those friends you have around you help in those things a lot. Whatever it is, it is working well for you.

Thank you, Laurie.  Yes, it is working, I am sure.  Having the support of others in my community was absolutely necessary to my going ahead with the surgery, and it's very reassuring to know that they are there, ready to catch me should I fall.

I think each of us has friends out there who will come to our aid, even if we haven't met them yet.  I feel fortunate to have found my friends.


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[Jessica Lynne]

Yes, and the past 13 months since I started this thread have seen much of that journey.  It's remarkable how much I've changed, how much more of myself is operating, exposed, and interacting with the world, than back then.  I had kept so much of myself packed away and hidden while trying to pass as a male.

I'm better now.  I feel better, and I think that I am a better human being for it.  I don't know what the Universe has in store for me, but I suspect I'll find out soon.

I very much appreciate and respect your candor, bravery and eloquent voice in our community. It's good to see good things happening to and for good people. So I'd like to say thank you for the elucidations, epiphanies and aha's! while following your thread. It's been and continues an absolutely fascinating read.

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Jessica.   My experience is unusual, but then so are we all.  We've all dared to question our culturally assigned roles and identities, a big, possibly dangerous taboo to violate.

I've been trying to document my journey and experience here, as well as share it with my local community of friends.  This weekend it looks like I'll be sharing with the 8th grade religious education class at a local Unitarian Universalist church.  (They have a... different... approach to education that I find wonderfully refreshing!). I'm part of a panel the children will interview.

Meanwhile, I'm still entertaining friends here at the apartment.  I've had some great visits and chats with folks.

Just for fun, I've got the old Desert Rose tea service out.  I have a full set of these Desert Rose pattern dishes, inherited from my Mom, our family's everyday dishes from the 1950s.  I get to eat my Cheerios from the bowl I used when I was 5 years old.   

When company calls, I'm serving tea, and fresh baked cookies.

I made a big batch, three pounds of oatmeal cookie dough, half with pecans and raisins, half with white chocolate chips. And another three pounds of straight chocolate chip dough is in the works. I shape these into one ounce pats, freeze them, and have fresh baked cookies on demand for my friends.   I throw a few frozen pats on a cookie sheet, bake while we chat, and, well, the apartment smells wonderful and we all enjoy fresh, hot cookies with our tea.

(That ought to flush out Laurie!  Bait...)

Hey, I need to gain weight.  That week on clear liquids was rough!                                                             


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[p]

Wow, fresh cookies & tea--what a treat! You are ever the gracious hostess.

I know what you mean about having some childhood things around--I have the dining room table that I grew up eating at and now eat breakfast and dinner at the same place I did as a kiddo!

Wishing you continued strength and joy!

[Michelle_P]

Wow, fresh cookies & tea--what a treat! You are ever the gracious hostess.

I know what you mean about having some childhood things around--I have the dining room table that I grew up eating at and now eat breakfast and dinner at the same place I did as a kiddo!

Wishing you continued strength and joy!

Thanks!  One of my friends says I'm nesting. Probably too much E, but I like it!

Meanwhile its Day 14 since "unpacking". Time to bump up from little Purple to Mr Blue. Eeep. How can a quarter inch look so big?  Ah well, it fits.  Last dot in the introitus. Thanks, Doc!

I had my first follow up today. No more catheter. I spray backwards. [emoji56]  silly swelling!  No issues. Dr Selim was happy with the healing. Slightly separated incision on the perenium was noted, not unexpected.

I'm continuing to use stool softener and fiber supplements.

Our intern minister dropped by for tea and cookies, and at the end of the visit offered up a prayer that had me in tears. Stupid estradiol...





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[Laurie]

Michelle,

  Didn't you get the memo? Tears are the order of the day. After beginning to think I couldn't cry anymore, I've wound up in tears at least 5 times today. You don't need to know the reasons why just that you're not alone in them.
  I'm glad to read you are continuing to do well.

Laurie

[Michelle_P]

Michelle,

  Didn't you get the memo? Tears are the order of the day. After beginning to think I couldn't cry anymore, I've wound up in tears at least 5 times today. You don't need to know the reasons why just that you're not alone in them.
  I'm glad to read you are continuing to do well.

Laurie

I know, Laurie.  I've been there.  It may be upsetting, but I think being able to cry may be a good thing.  Tears are our overflowing emotions.

If you do need to chat sometime, I'm here.





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[Jessica]

Michelle, you are beautiful!

[Laurie]

I know, Laurie.  I've been there.  It may be upsetting, but I think being able to cry may be a good thing.  Tears are our overflowing emotions.

  I'm sorry Michelle, That was an attempt at humor. I guess it didn't work.