Nikki is Born

[NMBusch04]

Hi all,

My name is Nikki Marie Busch. I am a 51 year old MtF recently canfirmed with my therapist hopefully starting HRT before the end of 2016.  I have been fighting this all my life since kindergarten.  Here is my story as a wall of text:

I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood of mostly boys around my age.  The only girls were much older (our baby sitters) or much younger so I had no exposure to girls my own age until I started school.  I always felt a little different than the other guys but we all played the same things together so I went along with it. 

In Kindergarten I met two girls who were wearing these beautiful dresses and I immediately knew why I felt different - I wanted to be them!  I was always grouped with the boys so I never really got to know the girls throughout elementary school so I did whatever the boys did.  I also got picked on a lot for wanting to include girls or be with the girls (cooties and all that). 

In 7th grade I finally got to be with a girl and made her my girlfriend - got picked on something fierce.  I wanted to be her friend and learn all about girls from her but she wanted me to kiss her and hold her hand.  I was unaware of her motives and was very confused by her.  In 8th grade I met a girl named Nicole and we became good friends. I wanted to be her but I knew that was a secret I would have to take to my grave.  She was slow to develop and we were close to the same size until she got a bra.  I was fascinated with it and managed to borrow one once, brought it home, tried it on and fell in love with feeling like a girl.  I returned it without her ever knowing but it started my life as a crossdresser. 

In high school I started imagining myself as 'one of the girls' and withdrew from most of the boys.  I would crossdress in mom's old clothes and prayed I could wake up as a girl every night.  Loved everything about girls and always wanted to be one of them.  Nikki and I drifted apart - I was really smart and she was not, so we had no classes together and I lost my only friend that was a girl.  Girls would laugh at me when I tried to join in their groups and the guys thought I was gay.  Made for a lonely existence.  I tried see if that was true so I started hanging around the gay guys and found that all guys were repulsive.  I REALLY liked girls only.  Then I realized if I became a girl I would be a Lesbian!  In 1979 that was not something tolerated.  Neither was sex changing.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. so I pushed it all away and started to learn how to be a guy. 

I found I didn't like putting down girls, talking bad about them or looking at them for sexual purposes.  Guys really are gross.  I was smart, sweet and kind so I could get some girls to talk to me who needed homework help and listened to their problems.  Never could get them to be a girlfriend or anything romantic but I was still happy to have some entry into their world. 

In college things were different.  I decided to be more outgoing and see where that got me.  I met some girls at band camp before school started and thought I could be with them.  By the first party after school started I had lots of friends but no romantic prospects until this older girl singled me out at the party and pulled me away from the card game I was playing.  She was different and I was interested in her for more than just a friendship.  I was sexually attracted for the first time in my life.

We dated throughout college and got married.  I had tried to crossdress a few times while in college but the feeling was gone.   I guessed I was not a girl after all.  Throughout the early part of our marriage things were great I never felt a draw toward crossdressing but I still wanted more friends who were girls.  As a cople we gain alot of other couples as very good friends and we did everything together.  Then we had kids - two daughters!

We loved our kids but I knew very little about girls and how to raise them as I grew up with all boys.  I started getting worried I would be a poor father so I started trying to read girl's books to understand them better.  This started to awaken my crossdressing feelings again which quickly became a want to be a girl.  I went through purges but the feelings kept coming back stronger.  As my girls grew I tried hard to just live vicariously through them.  The older they got the more I wished I could be a girl too. 

In 1999 my grandmother passed away, I was looking for a job and I found out my wife had two affairs with a friend of mine from college and another from  my hockey league. My life fell apart.  Crossdressing was the only way I could find relief from the stress.  At this time I started realizing there was no sexual component to the CDing I just wanted to be a girl.  It just felt right while being a man seemed all wrong.  I tried hard to fight it and maintain the male façade.  Got a job repaired the marriage damage and thought all was going well but looks were deceiving as I was carrying  heavy secret.

In 2001 I couldn't bear the weight anymore.  I disclosed my CDing to my wife and after a ffew discussions we established that she could handle me wearing panties but male clothes otherwise.  CDing became a don't-ask-don't-tell policy.  Transitioning was certainly out of the question.  I tried to push the issue but she got angry with me and put her foot done hard.  I buried these feelings and became a teacher. 

I got a job at a middle school and have been teaching there ever since.  This was fine for a career change and actually a lot more fun than my engineering career.  This was short lived as my CDing quickly showed me that I wanted more to be a girl.  Dealing with pubescent girls everyday started to have an effect on my dysphoria and the last three years I have been miserable realizing I'll never be a girl like all of my students. 

This past summer I was becoming overwhelmed with dread at  having to return to school facing the girls I so longed to be.  I started thinking about and planning how I could just disappear but not leave my family in need.  This was the last straw.  I sought out a therapist who could treat my depression and help me sort out my gender problem. 

I met with her in August and quickly determined my depression was firmly rooted in my Gender Disphoria.  I have successfully processed all my other stressors (infidelities, death, job stress) but that my need to be a girl and all the triggers that surround me are keeping me down.  We were able to get me over the pubescent girl trigger so I could return to work in September but admitting my GD has also brought more internal struggles.  I now have a plan for transition I think I can live with and look forward to starting my HRT. 

I will basically hormonally transition only.  I'll still present as guy in public but under dress to deal with my breasts.  I have a kidney problem and a swollen prostate so I can pass off the chest as a side-effect of the prostate medicine.  If my wife can handle it and we stay married, we will be moving next year to South Carolina and I will be looking for a new job.  If she cannot accept me then I'll stay where I am and retire in 10 years.  She will be moving for a new job in South Carolina either way.

Sorry this is so long but 51 years is a lot to cover.

[LizK]

Hi NMBusch04

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

You are among kindred spirits here and I am in the same age bracket as you. You have been a long getting here and I am sure you will be made to feel welcome. We spend many years of our lives trying to be the person someone else wants us to be...its about time you had a look after your own needs. Good luck sorting out your HRT, hope it all goes smoothly

Liz


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Regards

Liz

[V M]

Hi Nikki 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Steph Eigen]

Nikki,
Welcome!

There are so many common themes in your history and experience to those of many other members of the forum.  You will find many empathetic non-judgemental friends here.  Susan and her forum moderators insure a troll-free environment.  The members collectively represent  a remarkable reservoir of wisdom and insight, offer useful reality testing, compassion and an occasional gentle kick in the seat of the pants when needed.

I'm so happy to hear you've take the initial steps to get thing sorted out with a therapist. It is a big step to mentally commit to any definitive steps toward transition, HRT being a big decision.  I'm a bit older, approaching 60 and  have been considering this option but fear I would not be happy with HRT alone, the relief from it leading to intensified desire to go the entire operative route to full transition.  At present, this is just not an option I can manage between home, family and workplace.  Therapy has been a Godsend for me, thus far allowing me means to sufficiently manage dysphoria.

It is difficult to read into your last paragraph of your post how you expect your marriage to survive this process however it is heartening to see that you seem to have come to terms with the your need to move forward with the process of transition regardless of its impact on your marriage.  I hope you can stay together as a family.  With you wife's poor tolerance of your CD activities and prior infidelities I worry she may not adapt to the your transition, even if limited to HRT.

[NMBusch04]

...
It is difficult to read into your last paragraph of your post how you expect your marriage to survive this process however it is heartening to see that you seem to have come to terms with the your need to move forward with the process of transition regardless of its impact on your marriage.  I hope you can stay together as a family.  With you wife's poor tolerance of your CD activities and prior infidelities I worry she may not adapt to the your transition, even if limited to HRT.

I have hit my rock bottom with this.  What I want doesn't matter anymore; only what I need to survive.  I can only do what I need to do. I must live the rest of my life as a woman if I am to continue to be alive.  If that means I lose everything I hold dear then that is the trade I must be willing to make.  I am making that trade to preserve my life.

I love my wife but I cannot change her mind only she can do that.  Her willingness to stay would be great but my  life does not depend on it.  They are two separate issues and I can only control one of them. 

My transition to a woman will allow me to rebuild a life worth living.  I am ready to do that and those that transition with me are all welcome additions and comforts that will make it easier and more rewarding.  I hope she joins me but I accept if she can not.

[HappyMoni]

I have hit my rock bottom with this.  What I want doesn't matter anymore; only what I need to survive.  I can only do what I need to do. I must live the rest of my life as a woman if I am to continue to be alive.  If that means I lose everything I hold dear then that is the trade I must be willing to make.  I am making that trade to preserve my life.

I love my wife but I cannot change her mind only she can do that.  Her willingness to stay would be great but my  life does not depend on it.  They are two separate issues and I can only control one of them. 

My transition to a woman will allow me to rebuild a life worth living.  I am ready to do that and those that transition with me are all welcome additions and comforts that will make it easier and more rewarding.  I hope she joins me but I accept if she can not.

Hi Nikki,
   Welcome! It is amazing how powerful this feeling is, isn't it. It sounds like you have made up your mind that there is no choice in this matter. I understand totally. With transitioning, you do risk relationships. You sound like you have a good attitude about it though. I went full time in June. I am still adjusting, but things have gone well. I have experienced a contentment that I never knew was possible pre-transition. I tell you this to stress that positive outcomes are possible. I would say figure out a plan and stay positive. My name is Moni. Hope to see you around the boards.

[mac1]

Nikki it appears that your wife is not as committed to you as you are to her.  You have given up your desire and remained faithful to her for over 20 years.  However, she has had affairs ane is willing to put her job opportunity ahead of your relationship.  It is definitely a difficult choice for you.

[NMBusch04]

Thanks for all the support.  I have had some pretty dark days but my transition is my only way out.  Not that I expect it to be all roses but it has got to be better than death.  All of you MtFs before me give me the hope that I can get relief and be a happier human being in the future.

My wife's job move is one we have been planning together with her relative.  She makes more than me so it is a sensible move.  I look forward to the move as much as her, but if she cuts me loose I have a stable position where I am now so that would be the only reason I would stay behind.  I don't want to get down there and then have the stress of finding a new job without support.

She is really not a bad person, just entitled to her feelings too.  I am not the only one transitioning here.

[DawnOday]

Nukki welcome. I am 10 years or so older than you and you could have written my life story. Feeling different early, playing exclusively with the girls until I started playing baseball at 8. Asking my Mother to dress me up in my sisters costumes. Mom obliging me along with makeup. Then she started praising how cute I looked. My Mom never handed out compliments but this was a breakthrough moment for me.  I continued to dress up in my sisters clothes until I left home at 24 and got married to my first love. For the first year we were pretty darn happy. When I lost my job in the second year is when things started to change. When I got a new job I was working nights while she worked days. The new job stressed me greatly and dressing had always made me feel better about myself. I fear she was thinking something was up. She started an affair with a coworker and instead of fighting for her, I left. They have now been married for 34 years. For the next two years I dressed every night when I got home. I am pretty sure I didn't get all the makeup off. But nobody said anything. I finally moved in with my Granny.  But I could not stop crossdressing. My Granny was the greatest friend I ever had. But I only lived with her for another year. Then I moved in with my brother. His girlfriend Jenny is the only one who has ever caught me. But again just as my mother had, she  told me how cute I looked. I met my present wife about this time and we ended up living together because my apartment has suffered damage from a fire at the flower shop next door. For the next 34 years I continued to crossdress. We had two kids, still the greatest occurrence in my life except marrying my first wife. Before the internet I didn't know there were others like me. We all have the same basic story of being aware at an early age. My story changed drastically about 7- 8 months ago when I started to have a break down while trying to find closure for my first marriage. I have never let it leave my mind, so I went for counseling. I had been at least seven times before but this time I exposed the 800 lb gorilla in the room. By my third session Kristi was writing my letter for HRT. Well since I started, my craziness has disappeared and I am now as calm and serene as I have ever been. I am now aware of the ass I have always been. It was a coping mechanism. I now have made alterations in what I say and how I say it to others. I am extremely happy and I just wished I could have done the whole transition in my 20's but as you say it was pretty much taboo in the 70's. Thank the Lord for the internet. I sent a letter to my ex to explain why we had problems. I also found that I may have been pre destined to be this way due to DES that may have been prescribed for women prone to miscarriage while in utero. Family history suggests it. A few genital deformities and heart disease leads me to believe that this is how it went down. Hope it all works out for you. It is a big weight to carry.