OK, this is going to be long. My fiancee asked if I would post this when I mentioned I knew of a safe trans community that had a forum for this. She doesn't have much time outside of work and prefers to use it to de-stress by playing computer games. Since she works customer support, I don't blame her a bit for this.
People involved: Thorne (fiancee), Nameera (girlfriend & Thorne's on-a-break gf), Cat (Thorne's ex-wife)
So, Thorne has described to me a long-standing desire to be female. She's talked about feeling like a girl as a child and a teen, but her family is extremely unsupportive, and so she buried it for a long time. Sometime in the early 2000s, Thorne had a breakdown with Nameera, where she told her that she hated being male, that she hated having a penis, and that she felt like she was a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
Nameera had friends who were trans, and being somewhat knowledgeable, she went to Cat. Cat freaked out, accused her of lying, told her that Thorne was "all man", and that if she was wrong about that and Thorne EVER identified herself as a woman, she would divorce her and take the children, and Thorne would never see her daughters again. Since they lived in the Deep South, she probably could have done just that.
So, Thorne buried it again. We were friends then, and there were lots of little tells that made me suspect that Thorne was probably trans, at the very least non-binary. I didn't bring it up, though, because I figured she would when she was ready. But there have been several things I noticed, such as that she always wanted to be called by female pronouns when playing her in-game female characters, to the point of requesting such even in random groups with total strangers. There were also a few times that I messed up and called her by a female pronoun, and she would get this absolutely giddy smile on her face.
We became romantically involved two years ago; our handfasting anniversary (1yr!) is later this month. About a year back, when we were talking about gender, she said she thought non-binary fit, but didn't want to change pronouns.
I don't remember how it came about, precisely, but we've been talking about gender again over the past few days, and I finally talked to her about the various things, what Nameera had told me, and what I had observed over the past decade+. I asked her, in my usual blunt fashion, if she was a trans woman but afraid. It took a fair bit of talking, but she ultimately answered, "Yes."
We've continued to talk, and she has a female name that she wishes to be called by; for privacy reasons, I'm using a variant of it, Thorne. It also happens to be her WoW character name, so if someone messes up around her family (who she is not coming out to), we can just say that we've been playing the game a lot. She wants female pronouns used for her within the household. Our polyfamily is very accepting and supportive of her, which isn't a surprise given that everyone save her daughter is trans* in some fashion. Her daughter already suspected, and her only concern was that she was very attached to calling Thorne "Daddy", and she didn't want to lose that, but would respect it if Thorne wished otherwise; as it turned out, Thorne is pretty attached to that, too.
Thorne has worked very hard in therapy for the past decade+ on her body image and dysphoria. At this point, she says she is 90% comfortable in her body. She does not hate her body the same way she did before, and she does not resent having a penis any longer. In fact, her endocrinologist put her on a low dose of T because it was so low that it was causing erectile issues, and she was not happy with that. The dose she is on has solved that issue without causing any other effects.
Thorne does not wish to transition. We've talked at length, and she feels that at 45, she is comfortable in her body, and she has lived most of her life in it, and if she transitioned, she would have to adjust to an entirely new body. Plus, it would necessitate coming out more widely; right now, she only wants the family and a circle of close, trusted friends to know about it, although she is comfortable with me talking about it online in places that I feel are safe. She trusts my judgement.
She doesn't want her family to know, because her parents are financially assisting us, and if they knew, they would withdraw all support. She also doesn't know how her siblings would react. As a thought experiment, I asked her that if, say, we were in our early twenties, would she want to transition? After about a minute's thought, she said yes. But now? No. She feels she has done too much work on being okay with her body to want to change it now, and what matters to her is that those she loves and is close with know and respect her identity, which is precisely what has happened.
I asked her, because I wanted to make sure, if she would really be okay with only our polyfamily and our close trusted friends circle knowing, or if she would need to be out to be really happy. Thorne was confused and asked me to clarify, so I went into some detail about myself.
I knew from about age 8 that I wasn't straight. But my father is incredibly homophobic, and I knew that coming out would make my life more hellish than it already was. So, I buried it in denial for years. It wasn't until I was 17, and I had a supportive group of friends online, that I came out. As soon as I was 18 and no longer living with my family? I came out entirely. I have been out ever since. The entire time I had to hide it, I felt like I was living a lie. It felt sickening, depressing, and caused no end of anxiety.
I told her that was what I was worried about for her. She thought about it, and said that no, it would actually cause more anxiety and such to come out widely. For her, she only cares about chosen family and trusted friends knowing and respecting her as a woman. That's what matters. The rest of the world? They don't matter to her.
I should note that it is easy, where we live, in a queer/trans accepting area, for her to present in ways that are not rigidly masculine. She has gorgeous strawberry blonde hair down past her waist that she styles in more feminine ways, and she gets many compliments on it. I've also given her many of my old shirts that have faeries on them and that she never would have been able to wear in the Deep South without negative commentary. Thorne's personal dress style isn't such that she would care for overly femme styles, but it means that she can adopt more feminine accessories and shirts and such without any issue.
Since we've been talking, she's become a LOT more comfortable. Even sexually, she is more comfortable, because she says it feels different for her knowing and accepting that she is a woman, and that she feels it is lesbian sex vs. heterosexual sex. She had some pretty screwed up past partners who essentially convinced her that if she was having sex with a woman, achieving orgasm herself was "putting her desires above her partner's." No matter how clear I made it that I did not agree with that, and I wanted her to enjoy herself, too, it did not overcome those years of conditioning. But, pretty much as soon as she accepted herself as a woman... I asked her if it felt more "equal", and she said it did, and she didn't feel that way about it anymore.
Thorne feels more comfortable in her own skin, and her own self. I've seen people talk here about gender euphoria, and I was talking to her about that earlier, because she's been so beautifully giddy and happy with me calling her by Thorne and using female pronouns, and when Nameera's hubby, who considered her a brother when she identified as male, said "have a good day at work, sis," this morning when she left for work... I am so happy for her, and it makes me smile to see her so happy.
But she's scared. I asked her tonight what she was afraid of, and she said, rejection. I've told her that nobody will reject her that we would tell, and she knows that, but she's been rejected so much that it's automatic. She was worried about appropriation but after I explained what that actually was, she accepted she wasn't doing that.
But.. she is scared she's "doing trans wrong." Because the dominant trans narrative is transition. She's afraid that by not transitioning, she's not "really" trans. I've been attempting to reassure her, but I'm coming here to ask if anybody here would be willing to share their stories or even simply to reassure Thorne she's not doing it wrong, that her identity is just as legitimate regardless of transition. Thanks all in advance, and *offers cookie of choice* for reading this far! <3
