Flip Flopping

[TX16]

I have had some pretty good days since I moved. My confidence went up some because I was able to get a packer and a binder. Then, these friends of mine on an on-line forum have all accepted me and started using proper pronouns. It is great. Yet at the same time as my confidence going up, it has flip flopped around. Sometimes I feel great, but most of the time I look in the mirror and hate what I see, who I see. I am overweight, my binder doesn't flatten that well, and if you can't tell I have breast, then I look like a twelve year old boy.

I even had someone yesterday, on those forums I am on, who doesn't know I am trans and presumably thinks I am a cis male, say that I looked really young.

So I am super down on my looks today. I feel like people are either seeing me as a butch lesbian, or on-line, where they can't see my full body, they think I am a kid. Then on top of all of that, I hate my body shape. Yes I am heavy, but it is worse than that, because my heavy shape is too feminine to be masculine. So even if I were able to really hide my breast, and not talk, it is still obvious.

THEN, it kind of hit me that I am probably going to be alone forever. I originally didn't care, but it kind of does bother me. I am sure there are good eggs out there that would accept me, but finding them in this stupid city is another story. I tried to go to a trans support group last week. Only to find out that they don't actually have that group, and the person that I talked to wasn't sure what had happened to it. She took my name and number for the guy that was supposed to run it, but almost a week later now and I still haven't heard from him.

I want to start T so badly. Because I know it will move the fat around to give me a more masculine form. My face won't look so feminine anymore, my voice should lower and I might even get facial hair! All of that would be so helpful, but I can't take T yet because things are completely finalized with my husband. As soon as I start taking T things will be done, and I am not ready, but I don't know if I can keep going with all this dysphoria weighing me down.

[FTMax]

My biggest piece of advice to you would be not to wait on T to focus on changing your body. Changing your diet and starting to workout now will help you see changes faster on T. Fat redistribution is one of the more long term changes on T as it is, and it's difficult to tell it's taking place if you're overweight, speaking from experience. It would also probably help your confidence and mental wellbeing.

And in my experience, coming out and transitioning doesn't mean you'll be alone forever. Sure, there will be some folks who will automatically write you off as someone they don't want to know. But a lot of people are drawn to and value authenticity. I've improved my relationships with a lot of people I've known my whole life because I'm not having to hide any part of myself anymore. I've made a ridiculous amount of new friends through various online support groups, many of whom I regularly skype/facetime with or have met up with when it's convenient. Romantically, things have also improved for me. I probably have a more robust social life in all aspects now, post-transition than I ever did before.

[RedfootDaddy]

Then on top of all of that, I hate my body shape. Yes I am heavy, but it is worse than that, because my heavy shape is too feminine to be masculine. So even if I were able to really hide my breast, and not talk, it is still obvious.

I feel this so hard. My dysphoria (even though I'm not FtM, I'm non-binary, it gets pretty rough) is 100% amplified by my body size. I can feel totally great, and then when I'm getting into the shower my boob will slap into my arm or my belly will bump into my arm and it's just this total dark moment. :|

I'm trying to get back into a regular diet and exercise program to try and at least alleviate some of those feelings, but once you've been big for so long it just feels like nothing is going to make it budge except drastic surgical methods. I'm almost there, honestly.

You are definitely not alone, in the dysphoria or the size issues or really any of it.

[PrincessCrystal]

Try to think of it as a gradual transformation, do whatever you can and picture how things will be when you finish that regimen.  Take pride in the little things: did something good in your diet?  Noticed a loss of a couple pounds?  Figured out a new way to masculinize yourself?  These are all accomplishments which you need to use for an emotional boost, because it's not going to happen overnight, and you need to have those add up.  5  pounds a month seems like nothing until, a year later, you've lost 60 pounds.  I've seen people lose weight faster than that once they found he right diet.

I also suggest working out with masculine exercises: it will help with the weight, make you look more male, and make you feel better in general.

Just keep going: you'll get there eventually if you just keep going.