Frustrated

[BeerBurpGirl]

I'm really really frustrated. I'm almost 38, MtF, have been on HRT and out full time for 8 months now. Since I live in a very tolerant city I decided to not wait to go full time. 4 months into HRT and my E & T levels were already into the female range! I got a new job and started off being out with my identity so no shock period to deal with at work. Everything sounds perfect right? Well almost.... I was really hoping to gain more hair back, but turns out my balding had progressed to far apparently. There are no signs of new hairs. I have both frontal and crown hair loss. The hair that I do have left on the top of my head is very thin and brittle. Breaks and falls out easily. Now I know I'm not unique to this situation, however I need a place to vent and ask for advice. My HRT is covered by health insurance, which is the only reason why I was able to begin a physical transition this time around. My breast development has been great and I'm very happy with my small handfuls I have mow. However, I have yet to do any other physical changes since I don't have the money. I feel like I'm brick walling again. Lack of money was a big reason why I never started a physical transition before. I would love to make a lot of physical changes however I feel stuck with where I am. I have a family and lot's of kids, so that eats up all of my paycheck with very little time to even consider taking a second job due to their care needs. Perhaps I should have thought about this situation before going down this road? Come to think of it... I did and I was pretty suicidal at that time so this path was the lesser of two evils as it is for many of us. I have lot's of doubts about myself, it's really hard to keep my composure all the time and keep on plugging away. I do feel at times that people may avoid me. I can be a little quirky so that combined with my obvious transgender status seems to keep many people away. In addition I'm seriously depressed a lot. I'm not going to kill myself, but the only reason why I don't is my kids, I refuse to hand them the weight of such an event. So I will carry this pain myself. I feel like giving up on transition, but I don't really even see that as an option because the idea of going back to living my old life is even worse. I guess the only option I can see right now is grabbing a Groupon deal for some laser hair removal at some point and buying a decent wig. I really hate the idea of wearing a wig, but I don't see any other way around it. I wish I could shave my head, but since my head isn't structurally feminine at all that would probably be a horrible idea unless it was to make wearing a wig more comfortable perhaps. If you want to see where I'm at physically check out my imgur album: http://imgur.com/a/GEY81
What's really weird to me is that certain angles I feel like I look feminine, while others I look horribly ugly and masculine. It's like there is something with my bone structure that causes this. Do others have this problem as well? And I also have a lot of dysphoria about my voice which I understand is the hardest to alter surgically (not that I have the money for it or that it will be covered by insurance). I know I can raise my pitch and such, but I really feel fake doing it. I've done it without thinking a bit, but I'm pretty sure my wife would freak out if I started changing it much more on purpose (I'm lucky enough she has joined me this far on the ride). I welcome any and all feedback.

[LizK]

Hi Frustrated
I hear you loud and clear. The hair thing is one of my triggers and will send into a tail spin very easily. I hate wigs, they make me feel like I am wearing a costume. I am having hair implants and my coverage was worse than yours. I now have the coverage but not the thickness, so am having a second round to give me some thickness. This is my own hair moved from one part of my head to another.  So maybe at this point in time you don't have the funds but know that you can improve the health of your hair, you can get implants or extensions and maybe get the coverage you want.

I had a look at the photo's and it seems to me, you definitely have a feminine look, I am sure the right hair style and makeup you would look fabulous...not that you don't already. I think passing is subjective but I couldn't see anything that is going to stop you looking great.

Hang in there things could change for you. I hope it works out

Hugs
Liz

[BeerBurpGirl]

Thanks Kim for putting it all in perspective. Your right that for now it is what it is but that doesn't mean forever. I did get a transplant quote and they said that I would probably want two session to get the results I want. At 10k a pop that is a way way off. But a girl can dream I guess.

[KathyLauren]

I have the same problem with my hair.  It is pretty thin on top, and my forehead goes halfway back my head.

I am not on HRT yet, but, when I do, I am not expecting any regrowth.  I have heard that a tiny bit of regrowth is sometimes possible, but I am not expecting any.  The best I am expecting is that the loss will stop.

I don't like the idea of wearing a wig, but I bought one and am getting used to it.  It looks surprisingly good.  (See my avatar.)  It is going to feel like I'm wearing a hat, which I will feel odd indoors, but I do like how it improves my look.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Hair takes a while to regrow and regrowth will depend on how long it has been gone. The longer it was gone, the less likely it is to regrow. You have a full head of hair so transplants are an option. In my case, I have a brow ridge and my hair line is a bit higher than normal so I go with bangs. I am currently working on a bowl cut and I would have had it except my cutter gave me a pixy last time which really messed things up.

As for your appearance, some of the pictures look feminine. I think if you give HRT a bit more time and work on facial hair removal, your appearance will move more toward the feminine side. Depending on your HRT program, it may still be early to judge your final appearance.

I went with voice surgery only because my voice was unable to reach the feminine range even with extensive therapy. A surgical voice is 50% surgery and 50% therapy. Without the proper training, a surgical voice will sound like a high pitched male. A proper trained voice if you have the ability isn't difficult and is much less costly than surgery however you do have to work at it. It can take a year or more to lock in the feminine speech pattern so you don't fall into the male range but in as little as a few weeks, it may be possible for you to sound feminine. At first your voice will sound strange but as you use it, it will become the new normal. The important thing is to learn the proper way to use the head voice and then the rest become practice.

[Tanya62]

Dena, thanks for the tips on the voice. Mine comes and goes, but so does my sexuality hahaaa!

BBGirl, keep on with the transition. That dysphoria will come back, with a vengeance, sometimes years and years down the road. Like, surprise, there it is again! E [and company] does take time to work it out, so be patient with it. Exercise and diet [I should talk] are great allies, if you manage to keep persistent at them.

You know who you are, trust you are on the right road.

I hope things work out well for you.

Tanya