Okay...so this is a bit offtopic, a little separate from being just a transgender topic (we both are though), but I just wanted a place to talk about thus situation and vent because Im feeling a really sick feeling in my gut and am rather melancholy.
So as it stands the timeline of my life is I moved out of my parents house with a supportive friend, I managed to get a job and feed myself, she has also been incredibly helpful and fed me and payed rent most of the beginning half of me moving in, with her help even I got started transitioning and living as myself, we've done a lot of things together and built a friendship, Im planning to go back to college in spring so I dont fail at life and live minimum wage, she's been a lot of my love and support this past eight months so we graduated to being partners.
Throughout my time here though she'd been very mentally sick, she almost committed suicide 2-3 times while I was here.
Part of her suffering is she feels a lot of issue is in her brain, she has dissociative identity disorder and she says she has gaps in her memory that get stronger with time. She describes a feeling in her past as her brain having 'tore'. Recently she'd come to the conclusion that she's suffering from dementia or another neurological degradation condition like it. She told me that she will only have a year to live, and has started talking every day as if her death is near, accepting her imminent death with a still calm. I've seen her episodes where she seems to regress in a state of forgetting how long ago things were, thinking she's 15 and still had old pets, or asking me questions thinking I just moved in and wondering why we live in a apartment with two cats, to even forgetting her and my name. These events are, well, I honestly cant tell if theyre actually a result of amnesia or an attempt for her to play a role of some memory loss and believe it as such in her delusional state. Im not saying either or is correct or doubting her experiences, but Im not in her head to know for sure. In this case, this is a claim in which I encouraged her to see a doctor, and then hopefully a therapist afterwards because if she is truly suffering a physical condition that's a surefire way to backup a claim. She decided she wants to see one because it'll help her get on disability if there's an issue, and she'll get a diagnosis to break the news to her family of her imminent passing.
Now for me...its really confusing and scary and distressing. Part of my disbelief stems from my skepticism and my own selfish desire for her death to not be true. Part of me also wants to support and be happy for her, because her suffering here is not what she wants, and wants to go to a home elsewhere. Part of me is also scared financially on a superficial level, because I would have to fend for myself alone...and she's been my all around support, I knew I would need to learn at some point but not so, so soon.
...and you know, it hurts a lot. I dont have a lot of physical friends, if she leaves my life especially in that way, I'll lose a friend and a person to cuddle with at night. I wont have anybody else to do crazy adventures with. I wont have a shield against my scary parents who greatly dislike me as I live my life. Maybe its my fault for wrapping myself so tightly around one person and not easily making new friendships, but I attach so easily, and this will hurt. I was kind of prepared for loss anyways, I thought one day our relationship wouldnt work or shed finally commit the act and I would be on my own again, I guess thats okay, being alone. Im used to it.
Just...Its really disconcerting and at this point only time and medical professionals can tell the end result, and then I'll have to deal with the inevitable mental confusion that stems from either result.
Thanks for listening to my vent
