Being trans in a kink space.

[CatBlack]

I feel deeply obligated at the start of this post to state that as a trans woman, being trans is not in any way a kink to me. Actually pretty much the opposite because I have 0 body confidence. As a woman in my 20's, lacking what other women in their 20's have really, really hurts. Not even talking that one area, but just in general. Legs, the general softness of features. I pass decently, but honestly I'm a bit like rice passing for food, without butter or seasoning. Yes, it's edible, but it's also incredibly boring especially when compared with literally any other options. Anyways this thread is going to be as safe, vanilla and non-specific as possible, pertaining only to the treatment of trans people in kink spaces (Wicked grounds, citadel, etc;) and not specific acts done within those spaces.

As a transwoman with interest in alt. sexuality I have a somewhat growing concern with how I may be treated entering such an environment. I was wondering if any other trans folk have had problems with discrimination within the scene?

[SadieBlake]

Caveat lector: I haven't been to citadel since ca 2002 and generally avoid hetero dominated scenes.

I have been to many different play spaces over the space of two decades, nearly always dressed. Back when I first started, trans women weren't welcome in any lesbian spaces (that I knew or know of) and gay spaces of course aren't much welcoming to femme aesthetic. That's changed a lot and today the surviving women's groups are more often open to trans women and there are more simply pansexual spaces.

Especially with nominally dominant hetero men there's sometimes an assumption that any who looks like a cross dressed male bodied person, that person must be submissive (forced feminization etc). If I did encounter that I always countered this assumptions by being better at the crafts of s&m than the boys present and that generally earned at least grudging respect.

I think things are better today and if at a citadel you're going to encounter a lot of vanilla tourists, you don't have to interact with them much.

I didn't much like the odds of hookups, YMMV - I liked to go to spaces with a partner and maybe meet new prospects but not count on it.

The groups I was involved with were always open to trans people, less so to gay people. Again, things have mostly improved imx.

Best luck, if you're in the bay area there's lots of great options, I'd start with the Center for Sex and Culture - sexandculture.org.

[RedfootDaddy]

So interesting topic you've raised. I'll share my experiences - not saying that they are entirely comprehensive, or representative of the kink community in general, but this is what I have observed.

My wife and I actually live 24/7 in a power exchange relationship that falls well under the BDSM umbrella. We have a Daddy/little relationship - I'm the Daddy, she's the little.

I want to be totally clear - our relationship, our behaviour, is in no way about sexual exploitation of minors. My "little girl" is actually two years older than I am. My little is in touch with her inner child, and I do everything I can to foster that side of her. I support her, protect her, encourage her to become her truest self. I dote on her.

As you can imagine, as an AFAB person who at the time used she/her pronouns I faced some difficulties when I entered a predominantly hetero/cis community while using a highly gendered title like 'Daddy'. While there are male/female Mommy/little pairs, and cis gay male Daddy/little pairs, there are very few female/female Daddy/little pairs. While the question "So why aren't you a Mommy?" can get tiresome after the hundredth time, it wasn't nearly as cutting as the statement "Oh, so you're a Mommy." No. I'm a Daddy.

There are strict rules for interactions once you get into the kink community. D-types don't talk to attached s-types without first getting consent, unattached s-types usually have a few D-types who look out for them, that kind of thing. Didn't stop my little from facing almost constant harassment. Male D-types who didn't take me seriously enough to respect boundaries, almost daily. Sometimes just pretty innocuous stuff, but sometimes up to 'you need a real dick' type messages out of the blue.

It was good, for a while, to have a community of likeminded people, and we met some really nice Bigs and littles. But it wasn't a place for the gender-variant. Men were men and girls were girls. There was an undercurrent of transphobia that occasionally flared up, either in just ignorant comments or outright hatred. It was actually one of those moments of hatred that made me realise I was on the trans spectrum, by how much it hurt.

And then there was when I reached out to the very, very small community of female-bodied Daddies - butch Daddies - and was denied entry because I had, a few years earlier, worn a wedding dress to my wedding. Everywhere you turn there are gatekeepers - you have to be this way, that way, exactly this or exactly that. It can be exhilarating to finally find a community, but it is one of extremely strict rules that cater to straight cis people. Not exclusively. There can be space for trans people in kink, but it's a fight. A daily fight.

So we're not really . . . part of the kink community any more. We still live daily as Daddy/babygirl, but we've stopped trying to fight for recognition. Actually my experiences with forums and IRC chats made me a little wary of joining this community. But I'm realising that trying to fit into identities isn't what this place is about - it's about making identities that fit yourself.