7 months, 3 weeks of transition...I'm surprised 8 months is so close already. Time has gone by so quickly. It was like just yesterday, I started HRT. Things have slowed down a little with physical changes, but that's probably because I'm in a period where nothing seems to be happening even when there is. And that is the most difficult time. Being patient during transition is difficult. Just waiting to see the physical changes, the mental, emotional, everything. I was passing 3 months into transition, so now 4 months of RLE, my legal name change is around the corner. In my 5th month of transition I got my first bra, 36C, a C cup 5 months into transition. I'm still a C cup now, but I fill a C cup better now as I start to round out. I'm in an awkward state between cone shaped boobs and starting to get some roundness into my boobs. It makes me wonder how I'll look in a few years from now, how I'll develop.
But while I've developed well, and pass well too, dysphoria is still a large thing for me. I often still get bottom dsyphoria because I'm pre-op. I hope that the surgery will come soon rather than later, and waiting sort of kills me inside because I wish I could just have the surgery tomorrow. after I hit 6 months in transition, a switch flipped. No longer was I thinking surgery was not a big deal but now I thought about how I absolutely needed it. A side effect of the body aligning with the mind. The body looks feminine, but the penis is far from female. and problems that weren't a big issue, now become an issue. I sometimes worry about if I will have enough material to have a good depth. And with an erect size, when I can even get it there, is around 4 1/2 which I hope can translate to a good 5 inch depth for my neo vagina one day. I sometimes worry about if my boobs develop normally, but part of that self-doubt comes from how women are portrayed today, and that pressure women have to have those "perfect boobs" That are really just augmented. My boobs are developing normally, and I just need to be patient while they develop because it is an annoyingly slow process, but a process that is worth it all in the end.
But the hardest part is waiting. going through periods of stalling and just waiting to get to the end and fully transition and not have to worry about when I have surgery or worried about how I'm developing. But knowing I am developing into a beautiful woman and reminding myself I am developing normally, helps me through each day when I have a dsyphoric day. One thing you can never prepare for is when you have your first period. It is a shocking experience and you just wish it would never happen sometimes, but it's an experience I would never give up because it makes me feel like a woman, and rightfully so because I am one. I do wonder though, how I should feel when some people get jealous of my voice or how well I pass (no makeup too), and I feel bad because I wished I could help them, but at the same time I'm happy because it tells me how well I'm doing and how well I will continue to do as I transition and develop over the next several years.
Transitioning has really made me so much happier, being able to be the woman I am, and honestly, I would never give it up for anything. It is hard sometimes though, not having things like a relationship, but right now, I feel there is more important things than dating, and that one day it will come, until then, I will focus on helping the trans community and improving the woman I am!
This was just some general things I thought about today, I hope that it was an interesting read for some of you.
~Scarlet <3
