Transgender but choosing not to transition?

[Olivia88]

Hi everyone. So I know I am transgender and am slowly coming out to everyone. I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy. I want to have a family with her, but I have been struggling on the daily dealing with this and not looking like what I am on the inside. Has anyone ever known or was able to handle the struggles and deal with not transitioning. I feel like my only options are to resist becoming a woman on the outside or succumb to these struggles and break up with the woman I love. Thanks!

[luna nyan]

It's not an easy path - one that takes extreme will power.   The problem with not transitioning if you really are trans is that it becomes a continuing distraction that's simply won't go away.

Dysphoria can get worse with time as sex related age changes set in and you start disliking what you see in the mirror more and more.

Although you  really like your girlfriend, the issue is you I know that she may not accept you should you go down the transition path somewhere down the track.  It becomes much more painful to disentangle yourself when you have a significant life partnership.

[KathyLauren]

That is a tough choice. 

Relationships come and go, but dysphoria is forever.  I thought I was strong enough to resist it, and I did for 61 years, but it still caught up to me.  By that time, I had been married for quite a few years.  I was uncommonly lucky: my wife is a saint and supports my transition.  I am not sure I would have been able to do the same for her if it had been her that was transitioning.

If you choose not to transition now, will you be strong enough the stick with that decision even when the dysphoria gets worse, as it will?  What will your quality of life be like if you do stick it out?  If you eventually need to transition, will your spouse accommodate that decision?

[becky.rw]

Made it 50 yrs without, but hit a wall that basically said, "you're done."  The options then became very limited, basically, die, commit yourself to a psych hospital, or transition.   I chose the path of least harm.   At least this way, even if everyone eventually can't tolerate me; I'll still be able to support the woman I married and promised to support.    The other two possibilities drag everyone down with me into a financial and emotional disaster.

That said, I am pursuing a "least disruption" path on transition.   HRT, but no social requirements; dressing is minimal, but none of the other females in my family dress femme either, so whatever.  Women's jeans fit me best, and loose tshirts seems to be the perpetual uniform, bra optional.    I'll have to pass on name and pronoun stuff for quite a while as well.   But I won't be dead.  And that's a pretty spiffy thing.

[KarynMcD]

but just look male to make her happy.

You need to be happy too.

The dysphoria will become overwhelming and you will want to start to change and then you'll just be mad at yourself for waiting so long.
I'm 49 and started when I was 47.

[cheryl reeves]

Hi everyone. So I know I am transgender and am slowly coming out to everyone. I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy. I want to have a family with her, but I have been struggling on the daily dealing with this and not looking like what I am on the inside. Has anyone ever known or was able to handle the struggles and deal with not transitioning. I feel like my only options are to resist becoming a woman on the outside or succumb to these struggles and break up with the woman I love. Thanks!

I was going to transition til I met my wife,I told her I was a crossdresser/transvestite,she was fine with that,then 11 yrs later I told her the full story,she told me she is fine with me dressing up but no hrt, I could handle that agreement for I already pass as female. 28 yrs now and it's still working,but now she is open about me going on hrt only if a dr says I need it,that I'm wishy washy on for I kinda like Mr penis.

[Dani]

I knew something was not right when I was 14. Conventional wisdom at the time told me my condition was just due to  no positive role model or something like that. How wrong they were and how wrong I was to believe them. Now, 50 years later, I corrected the situation and I feel many times much better about myself.

Know yourself.

Do not no yourself.

[Alora]

I'm pretty new to coming out. I've know for years that I was different. I even almost got married once, but even then I was that comfortable. Listen to your heart, you're going to be happier if you do. I know it's clique, but if she can't accept the real you then she is not the one for you.

Be strong love ❤️💋❤️

Alora

[JoanneB]

Hi everyone. So I know I am transgender and am slowly coming out to everyone. I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy. I want to have a family with her, but I have been struggling on the daily dealing with this and not looking like what I am on the inside. Has anyone ever known or was able to handle the struggles and deal with not transitioning. I feel like my only options are to resist becoming a woman on the outside or succumb to these struggles and break up with the woman I love. Thanks!

It depends on what you mean by handling the struggle.... I tried for a good 40 years only to eventually turn into a lifeless soulless thing that only existed to do what was expected. At most with my GD I had my once a month or more "escapes from maleness" by cross-dressing. But in time life got in the way of living and that needed to give way to more pressing matters.

For the last 7 years one can say I've been transitioning. To me that means "Changing", starting on the inside and eventually medically. I still live and present primarily as male. I still have my BFF, soul-mate and reality therapist in my life though she cannot think of me as a husband with breasts nicer then hers. If it weren't for the hard work put into my personal growth I doubt none of this could be.

[Sophia Sage]

I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy. I want to have a family with her, but I have been struggling on the daily dealing with this and not looking like what I am on the inside. Has anyone ever known or was able to handle the struggles and deal with not transitioning. I feel like my only options are to resist becoming a woman on the outside or succumb to these struggles and break up with the woman I love. Thanks!

What you've forgotten is that you're already a woman. Your appearance is deceiving you, and your girlfriend is deceiving herself if she thinks that you're not a woman because you don't look like one. Either way, she doesn't love the real you, and that is not the basis for an authentic relationship.

[Sluggy]

I've known for a long way, tried hiding it, over-compensating my expected behaviors, and denying it.

I was dating someone, and I couldn't admit to them that it was how I truly felt, because I was scared that no one could love me as I am.

Let me tell you,
That becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm right in the middle of my 20's, and I just started HRT, and am easing into transition after everything fell apart from trying to hold myself together as a mess of a person.
Obviously not everyone has a terrible collapse leading up to their transition, but it does​ seem to be a very common experience that if you know, and it's bothering you, the longer you wait, the more you'll wish you hadn't.

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[Debra]

all I can say is good luck.

The problem is if she is the only reason you're not transitioning, over the years you will most likely regret not doing it and then blaming it on her.

[Amanda_Combs]

I am in such a situation that my wife would not be able to leave me, she is unable to care for herself.  That makes me very seriously consider never transitioning.  of course that means commiting myself to being miserable every day for life; which I'm totally willing to do.  The part that keeps me awake at night is worry over how it will affect my behaviour will change over the years.  That's the primary reason I'm seeing my therapist l.  If there are really meds that "deaden" you or make you "loose your edge" that's what I need.


The point is; commiting yourself to not transition is a type of death sentence, it means that you will never be content in life and you'll never like or care about yourself.  It takes a lot of willpower, and if there is any other option, that would be better.


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[Kaylin]

I am currently in a similar state of mind to you, but more because I am concerned for my career as I am just about to begin a research project at prestigious institution in my area and look set to get a great PhD position. Science has saved my life but I am far from convinced that my career would be unaffected. My problem is this;

I am a scientist first and a woman second.

[AnneK]

I am a scientist first and a woman second.

Well, at least you're not mad. 

[AnonyMs]

Its well worth reading this story if you're considering not transitioning

A strange but lovely meeting - I ended up crying so triggers
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=189165.0

I'm trying not to transition, at least for a time, and I keep coming back to that story. I've been on HRT 8 years now without socially transitioning. Day by day its ok, but I get a really bad feeling about this long term.

I've achieved some of what I wanted by delaying things, and the trade off is beginning to tilt the other way now.

I am currently in a similar state of mind to you, but more because I am concerned for my career as I am just about to begin a research project at prestigious institution in my area and look set to get a great PhD position. Science has saved my life but I am far from convinced that my career would be unaffected. My problem is this;

I am a scientist first and a woman second.

These feelings have a way of getting stronger as time goes by. You may feel that way now, but I'd suggest being prepared when you have no choice.

I made a long term plan when I realized I was trans, about 10 years ago. I thought I might end up having to transition and I wanted to be in as good a situation as possible if/when that happened. I can't say anything's really gone to plan, but I am in a much better situation that if I'd ignored it all.

[Maybebaby56]

I am currently in a similar state of mind to you, but more because I am concerned for my career as I am just about to begin a research project at prestigious institution in my area and look set to get a great PhD position. Science has saved my life but I am far from convinced that my career would be unaffected. My problem is this;

I am a scientist first and a woman second.

While you will undoubtedly encounter the same negative biases that all women encounter in society, your being female may or may not significantly affect your career, depending what field you are in. For several years now, women have earned the majority of doctoral degrees n several fields (see: https://www.aei.org/publication/women-earned-majority-of-doctoral-degrees-in-2014-for-6th-straight-year-and-outnumber-men-in-grad-school-136-to-100/).

It sounds like you are fairly young, still an undergrad, so by the time you matriculate from grad school, you may be able to transition then and be part of a vanguard of women scientists that will change face of science. You may be able to have your cake and eat it, too.  Transition is expensive, so having a job will definitely help.

One thing you might consider is your publication record.  All my citations are in my male name. I transitioned at the tail end of my career, at age 56, so it is not as important to me, except for the fact if I change jobs, my whole career and CV  is as a male and I have to be very forthright about being transgender.  If you choose to go stealth later in life, this would be a huge problem.

With kindness,

Terri

[Meghan]

Transition is not everyone cups of tea. Some may decide the risk of loosing married, financial and employment... Etc. That why I think you're making sound decision for your self. I had seen many decide to go head first into transition become homeless and suicidal. Since transition is a biggest decision one bad to make.

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[Janes Groove]

I have told my girlfriend who I want to marry, but she doesn't want to marry a woman and I told her I would try not to transition for her. Like I am a girl on the inside, but just look male to make her happy.

This sounds like bad idea.  Are you saying she's on board with living with someone who has to hide their real identity 24/7?  Does she even realize what she's asking?

[AnonyMs]

This sounds like bad idea.  Are you saying she's on board with living with someone who has to hide their real identity 24/7?  Does she even realize what she's asking?

Probably not. I doubt many of us realize what we're asking when we fight against it. If we did we'd probably not do it, me included.