I have had my FFS...

[R R H]

I just want to say that this thread continues to be wonderful 2Cherry. I loved the 'water in the eyes' post a few back

Well done on all your progress.

xx

[Debra]

Tomorrow it's two weeks already... time is such a strange thing. I got operated on the night of the election. When I woke up, I heard that Trump had won. A strange idea, as if I woke up in a parallel Universe. 

One theory for parallel universe theory is that every decision we make or every event that could be in either one state or another....causes (or exists) another universe where the other option was taken.

So in some cases you may not be wrong. In some other universe, Hillary won. Then again in some other universe, you may not have gotten FFS. Or have even been trans. Weird how that all works. i find that stuff interesting.

[2cherry]

One theory for parallel universe theory is that every decision we make or every event that could be in either one state or another....causes (or exists) another universe where the other option was taken.

So in some cases you may not be wrong. In some other universe, Hillary won. Then again in some other universe, you may not have gotten FFS. Or have even been trans. Weird how that all works. i find that stuff interesting.

Yes, I've been watching a lot of Youtube documentaries lately, even one about a billion universes inside a kind of bubble, which was inside a kind of membrane that contains trillions of bubbles each containing a billion universes or something...   

[2cherry]

15 days post-op.

Many spots on my face are still numb: mouth, nose, forehead and chin. Can't smile yet. The jaw has some very hard spots on them. The body doesn't like jaw surgery. The nose is clear, but it feels if someone is pinching my nose right now. Has been so since day one. Hairline scar is healing very nice. I go outside without any covering. It's barely visible. A few days ago the stitches were removed from my nose. Well, with all the pain and suffering through this journey as transwoman, it didn't do much. Pain? pfff... waking up after a full FFS, that is pain.

No.... pain doesn't impress me anymore.

Yesterday I did some makeup. And wow... each day I look better. It is like a mask has come off! the forehead, brow bossing + nose is truly different. These procedures make all the difference. The rest is complementary and nice. I am still tired quickly. I can eat a lot of foods, but it is still difficult to chew. I can't chew hard things at all. I still got stitches across my entire gumlines, above and below. Right now it is more discomfort than anything else.

In a moment I will go for a long walk, one maybe 2 hours. I need to get fit.

My confidence is boosted by 50%. When I walk outside. I no longer try to turn my face away. Rather, I now look at people when they look at me. Something I did not do before. My face looks so soft (forehead) that I KNOW I look female. I no longer doubt or second guess myself... which is a priceless feeling. They told me that it can take months for the final result. I am very pleased already...

My surgeon gave me this plastic syringe to clean my mouth with salt water: (alcohol/mouthwash is forbidden, as it kills cells)



It produces a jet stream of water, very pleasant. I also use it to clean my nose. Truly recommended.

[Sophia Sage]

Before facial surgery, I realized that there had been a lag in how people read me... like, it took a half-second or so for my gender to properly register.  After, that lag was gone -- I was instantly perceived as female. 

[2cherry]

Today I managed to do a two hour walk through nature. It felt great and refreshing.

When I entered the forest, a beautiful Dragonfly landed on my coat. It was staring at me, and I noticed it was breathing heavily for a good minute. I love dragonflies, and like us, they too go through an extremely painful transformation from nymph to adult, where they rip through their old skin after living in the darkness of the water for 3 years. In Japan they are the symbol of joy and transformation. It's autumn, and seeing a dragonfly landing on my coat was an amazing experience. Nature is so extremely beautiful. In my reality, things happen for a reason.



A gift. Time to fly.

[R R H]

I love your dragonfly analogy. So beautiful.
xx

[Debra]

Before facial surgery, I realized that there had been a lag in how people read me... like, it took a half-second or so for my gender to properly register.  After, that lag was gone -- I was instantly perceived as female.

Interesting. I have noticed, even with the puffiness and stuff that I have a newfound confidence in how I'm gendered. I feel like it is much more easily done as well.....but maybe it is partially confidence, I dunno.

[Alyssa M.]

The thing about how you're gendered is that it's still so hard to get into other people's heads.

I had met two people in person who had had FFS before I did through a college support group when I was in grad school and starting my transition, both of whom regretted it to some extent. One said she didn't like her nose, more or less because it looked like a very ordinary plastic surgery result (she was absolutely gorgeous), and the other complained how she couldn't pass, though she seemed to make little effort to present herself in a very feminine manner — not that she has to, of course.

So I fully expected to still be very self-conscious after FFS, and lo and behold, I am! Only a lot less than I was. I do notice a change in how people perceive me and interact with me, and a good one. I think people are frankly a little bit nicer to me. But trying to understand how others really perceive my gender is still a rabbit hole of second-guessing, suspicion, and self-doubt.

[2cherry]

I love your dragonfly analogy. So beautiful.
xx

Thanks Rachel, I hope it helps you a bit with your surgery.  It's going to be fine.

[Sophia Sage]

I had met two people in person who had had FFS before I did through a college support group when I was in grad school and starting my transition, both of whom regretted it to some extent. One said she didn't like her nose, more or less because it looked like a very ordinary plastic surgery result (she was absolutely gorgeous), and the other complained how she couldn't pass, though she seemed to make little effort to present herself in a very feminine manner — not that she has to, of course.

I... I want to facepalm.

No, facial surgery isn't going to cure any other neuroses.  And no, if it doesn't absolve one of the work, of deprogramming the previously constructed persona, of learning and practicing the culture into which one wants to assimilate.  Not that one is obliged to assimilate, but if that's what you want to do, it takes more than surgery.

The thing about how you're gendered is that it's still so hard to get into other people's heads.

...I do notice a change in how people perceive me and interact with me, and a good one. I think people are frankly a little bit nicer to me. But trying to understand how others really perceive my gender is still a rabbit hole of second-guessing, suspicion, and self-doubt.

If they say "miss" or "ma'am" at first glance, when the first words come out of your mouth, they're gendering you female.  If random women smile at you in passing, they're gendering you female.  If straight guys try flirting with you, they're gendering you female... and you're pretty to boot. 

If there are ungainly pauses, if there are double takes, then there is ambiguity.  And, naturally, if people already know your medical history, then there is also ambiguity.

[2cherry]

Some reflection on my transition.



The thing that hurt me most of all was friends and family leaving, go silent and cold... the surgeries are temporary pain. Not being loved is forever. After this struggle to become myself, I am left alone with myself. This transition taught me how heartless people are. In the past I was there for everyone, day and night. But when I needed help, I was left to fend for myself. Like an abandoned dog tied to a tree, because she became such a hassle...

When I was in the hospital for SRS, I tried to contact family. They never visited. When I had FFS, they never visited. It didn't even faze them. Watching TV was far more important for them. Alone and in incredible pain, I learned another lesson: no-one loves me. I've been used and abused by everyone in my life. Everyone. It makes me cold too... because when the tide turns, will I stand next to their hospital bed when something happens to them? I don't think so...

Since I am a very nice person (I really am) I tried one last time: I invited them for Christmas... but no reply. No-one will come. So I think I am done with this. I don't expect any contact in the future. And for my own sanity, I just imagine they are all dead. It makes it easier for me. My heart froze over, and I don't want it to shatter.

As you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

[Drexy/Drex]

That's  pretty brutal , i can't understand  it ,well i can , mind you i am estranged  from my family , but it was me who cut them off for various  reasons ,
Still as  you said you have accomplished  a lot  , the only thing to do is keep   moving forward

[Sophia Sage]

As you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

Now you're breaking my heart.   

[Debra]

The thing that hurt me most of all was friends and family leaving, go silent and cold... the surgeries are temporary pain. Not being loved is forever. After this struggle to become myself, I am left alone with myself. This transition taught me how heartless people are. In the past I was there for everyone, day and night. But when I needed help, I was left to fend for myself. Like an abandoned dog tied to a tree, because she became such a hassle...

When I was in the hospital for SRS, I tried to contact family. They never visited. When I had FFS, they never visited. It didn't even faze them. Watching TV was far more important for them. Alone and in incredible pain, I learned another lesson: no-one loves me. I've been used and abused by everyone in my life. Everyone. It makes me cold too... because when the tide turns, will I stand next to their hospital bed when something happens to them? I don't think so...

Since I am a very nice person (I really am) I tried one last time: I invited them for Christmas... but no reply. No-one will come. So I think I am done with this. I don't expect any contact in the future. And for my own sanity, I just imagine they are all dead. It makes it easier for me. My heart froze over, and I don't want it to shatter.

As you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

Amen girl. Amen. Same feels here. I have had to make new family through friends and such because the blood family (most of them) rejected me. Physical pain hurts but emotional pain can last and go deep. It's been part of the journey to be able to let go of that hurt and move on.

[R R H]

That's so awful to read 2Cherry. I can see why a lot of transgendered people start afresh in a new location and with new friends. My father cut me off twice: once for six years and again for two years. In transitioning I lost some 'friends' but if you're whole family have gone silent and sour that's tough. There are lots of others out there and a whole community of support and love.

Hugs x

[2cherry]

Thanks everyone 

It's been 3 weeks already. Time flies right now.

Today I went to my surgeon. He removed the stitches from my mouth. My entire gumline above and below was stitched. This time, it hurt pretty bad when he removed them from my top gumline. Kinda like electrolysis but then inside my mouth. If that makes any sense... But it was just a moment, and I have gotten used to feeling pain.

It feels good now they are gone. My mouth is free again after 3 weeks. Stitches are super annoying, especially if your whole mouth is stitched up. So it was worth the short bursts of pain.

Well, not much to write anymore. Healing is going fine. Still some swelling, insensitivity. But overall I can't complain. 

[2cherry]

3.5 weeks, approaching the one month post-op fast now.

The forehead is regaining some sensation again. Especially in the sinus area and the brows. But the closer to the hairline, the less I feel. It's still numb. Sometimes it is itching, but I can't scratch. The scars heals very nice along the hairline. There are days where I don't use concealer on it, it's barely visible. A very tiny red line, as thick as two hairs maybe. My surgeon used staples, he said that would be better than stitches. I see why.

The cheeks/zygoma itch sometimes. Which is a good thing. The muscles are reattaching to the bones. I still have some stitches inside my nose. They haven't dissolved yet. But they don't bother me at all. The mouth is healing very well, especially after the stitches were removed. Less inflamed. My neck sometimes hurt, from the liposuction under the chin. But only when I stretch my head upwards.

Oh, and:

 

The jaw is doing fine, chin also. The gumline reattached itself to my chin. A week out, and I could see my chin bone (white) through a tiny hole in my gumline. But now it has healed and closed up with tissue. The body is amazing.

Things that annoy me:

Numb feeling on top of head, and a small spot on chin. The skin of my chin is also sensitive. The skin tightness has gone for the most part, but there are still spots that are lingering. The inability to feel the top of my head is annoying, especially when I want to itch. The feeling of itching feels good if you can scratch it. Once that is gone, you really miss it! Right now, it feels I am wearing a baseball cap 24/7. But only when I notice it, I start to focus on it. When I am distracted and busy, I seem to forget all about it.

Which brings me to this pseudo philosophical musing:

These surgical experiences taught me what makes me human: I am not only my brains, nor my thoughts. The body is whole. A complete system. Once you can't do something, you'll miss it and realize that the human experience is the complete body. Being unable to pee yourself, feeling things on your body that doesn't belong there like stitches, the inability to scratch your head, being unable to breath through your nose for a day or two, all these little things are what makes us human... So I don't believe in these science fiction stories about cyborgs, where they put a set of brains inside a machine. It's never going to work, because we need the body. The body is complete and what we call living is the completeness of it all. Such a simple thing of being able to pee yourself is something you treasure after having a catheter for a while. No, I don't believe in the idea of cyborgs. The brain and thoughts are only a tiny fraction of what it means to be and feel human. Without a body, you won't feel anything. What's left is just a computer without any input. And I dare to say that there aren't even thoughts, because without sensations what is there to think about...?




Human Cyborg by Tara-beauty

[Sophia Sage]

KRAIL: Our life span was getting shorter, so our scientists and doctors devised spare parts for our bodies until we could be almost completely replaced.

POLLY: But that means you're not like us. You're robots!

KRAIL: Our brains are just like yours except that certain weaknesses have been removed.

BARCLAY: Weaknesses? What weaknesses?

KRAIL: You call them emotions, do you not?

[2cherry]

Something like that! 

A few thoughts...

In January I will have the lip lift, which the surgeon didn't do yet. He wanted to wait, and I am glad he did. There are several techniques, and I want the best one. I've looked into the endonasal technique, which hinges the top lip to the inside of the nose, which prevents drooping over the years.

Video endonasal technique: youtube.com / watch?v=4Z7z5EfqVWw (warning, extremely graphic! ...as in blood)

In viewing so much of these things, obsessed, I am really desensitized and can watch this while having breakfast. lol. 

When I look at my face, I still see the jaw is a bit swollen. Chin as well. I want to see what it looks like when the swelling is gone... right now I am thinking: I need more jaw/chin work... but I have to be patient with healing. In a few months I will be able to make a good decision if I will pursue further revision, and more jaw work. But maybe it is in my mind... the dysphoria that kicks in along with facial dysmorphia.

The lip lift is really needed. My top lip is too long, and it just doesn't work without it. The lip lift will bring back good proportions.

The nose looks fine, I won't have any revision. I know it's swollen, so it will get down. The moment I took the aluminum cast of, I was extremely happy. Then it began to swell and lost the feeling of happiness. But I must realize that it takes so long to see the final result.

I also had some bouts of post-op depression. It comes and goes, similar after having had SRS/GRS. Just exhausted... being unable to do and be who I am and want is annoying. I also get stressed quicker. A trip to the grocery store is extremely exhausting. All these people around me make me dizzy and stressed, it makes me want to run away and go back home quick.