Bathroom Dread

[Dayta]

I am really just beginning in earnest my own transition, heading onto my third month of HRT and having endured my first beard clearing via electrolysis.  My hairline is creeping a ways back now, and until I started with the electrolysis I couldn't possibly get my face to pass at all.  So, I've been relegated to Halloween, where I get clocked almost everywhere anyway. It's just my wife and me at home, so I don't really have to try very hard to feel myself here. 

As I get closer and closer though, hearing stories about bathroom ejections and bans, I am really dreading making the eventual change to the ladies room.  While my wife and I joke about which one to use, she always suggests "eventually," but I've never even been in one, at least not since infancy. 

I'm about 6 ft tall, and 250 lbs, so I'm not a slight person, perhaps at less risk than many of less imposing size and stature, and I feel like it would be easier in the end for me to use the mens', rather than possibly getting dragged out of the ladies'.  It's not like I really want to be in the bathroom with other ladies, I just don't want to be in there with men. 

L

[LizK]

I am not sure if I have the Bathroom Dread but it is something like you, I am going to have to deal with. I am not at male fail stage yet nor do I expect to be for quite some time ...if ever!!!. However as of May Next year I will be full time so am going to have to deal with it.

I am going to try and use the attitude, I am a woman and therefore will use the appropriate rest room. Wether or not I look feminine enough to use a bathroom seems like a ridiculous reason as to which bathroom I use.

I will temper this with a bit of common sense, if there is a need for a safer choice such as gender neutral bathroom then I will make take it. Being bloody minded about it will not keep me safe. 

Liz

[EmilyMK03]

Are you seeing a therapist?  You can ask your therapist to write a "safe passage" letter for you.  Carry the letter with you in your purse at all times; it can give you some peace of mind and self-confidence.  My therapist wrote one for me too, and I always kept it with me until I made my legal name change.

[bluepaint]

I was so taken aback in a good way , when I saw the " secret " deodorant commercial called stress test, ladies bathroom! They nailed it ! I was so impressed that this mainstream commercial expressed the concerns we all share when we find ourselves in that situation! I wrote Proctor and Gamble and told them how much it meant to me as a transwoman. if you identify as a woman then you belong with other women in the washroom you identify with! Im saddened that there are still places that don't seem to understand this!


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[KathyLauren]

I am pre-HRT and very, very part-time.  Still, when I was wearing wig, makeup and a skirt and I had to go, there was no way I would have gone into the men's room.  It just would not have been safe. 

I used the ladies' room.  Fortunately, there was no one around to make a fuss.

[Sophia Sage]

I am really just beginning in earnest my own transition, heading onto my third month of HRT and having endured my first beard clearing via electrolysis.  My hairline is creeping a ways back now, and until I started with the electrolysis I couldn't possibly get my face to pass at all. 

Keep going with the electrolysis, it really does make a world of difference.  And you might ask your doctor about Finasteride to keep the hairline recession at bay.

I'm about 6 ft tall, and 250 lbs, so I'm not a slight person, perhaps at less risk than many of less imposing size and stature

The real risk isn't of being physically dragged of a restroom, but being psychologically assaulted. 

I would seriously recommend losing 50 to 70 lbs.  Being more slight will make you less imposing, but that's a good thing when it comes to blending in with other women.  More importantly, though, it will be a good thing if you end up getting various surgeries.  Being overweight can compromise your health in the OR, not to mention the kind of results you might expect. 

As I get closer and closer though, hearing stories about bathroom ejections and bans, I am really dreading making the eventual change to the ladies room.  While my wife and I joke about which one to use, she always suggests "eventually," but I've never even been in one, at least not since infancy. 

Just like any other restroom, but without urinals.

"Eventually" may well be right.  It's hard holding off full-time, because in many respects even being obviously trans is still much more preferable to being read as a cis male when it comes to the gendering we receive... but at the same time, transition goes so much more smoothly when we can present reasonably well.  Which at the very least means no beard shadow. 

[Rachel]

At work I use the gender neutral bathrooms and have used the female bathrooms. There are just stalls in a female bathroom.

I was at a work semi-formal event at the Curtis Center and the bathroom had carpet to within 2 feet of the toilet. Try that in a men's room.

I was at the Inn at Penn for work and there are no gender neutral bathrooms. So I used the woman's room. It is just like the men's room without urinals. 

When I return to work I will be using the female bathrooms. I present full time but do not pass and everyone at work knows I am trans.

[HappyMoni]

As I am full time now, I always use the ladies room. I recently discovered how I could  improve my experience. When I was newer, I would look down not looking at anyone's face. I would hurry to get out as fast as I could. I know my effort to look invisible was more like, "Hey, I'm doing something wrong here!" I started keeping my head up, not especially looking for eye contact, but if it happened, I just give a little "woman to woman" smile and go about my business. No hurry! It is so much better. I am more relaxed and I think it says, "Yeah, I belong here. Have a nice day!
Monica

[Donna]

As I am full time now, I always use the ladies room. I recently discovered how I could  improve my experience. When I was newer, I would look down not looking at anyone's face. I would hurry to get out as fast as I could. I know my effort to look invisible was more like, "Hey, I'm doing something wrong here!" I started keeping my head up, not especially looking for eye contact, but if it happened, I just give a little "woman to woman" smile and go about my business. No hurry! It is so much better. I am more relaxed and I think it says, "Yeah, I belong here. Have a nice day!
Monica

I am not full time, but I always use the restroom consistent with how I am dressed. I agree, avoiding eye contact makes you feel and act guilty. Greeting with that "woman to woman" smile is so, so much better. I like to think of the Carole King song, Beautiful, which has a first verse like this:
"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes, you will
That you're beautiful as you feel"

Here in Washington State where I live there is absolutely no problem using the restroom of the gender I feel that I am.

[Emileeeee]

I think everybody goes through that period of dread. I spent about 6 months refusing to use either bathroom, starting when I got a few weird looks in the men's room. I kind of got forced into using the women's room when I went on vacation and I was nervous as hell every single time.

Like another said though, nothing draws attention to you like trying to be invisible. Fake confidence if you must, but that appearance of confidence is very important.

[Anne Blake]

I guess that I am full time now but have to occasionally cross dress in some of my old guy clothes. When out and about as me I have few hesitations about using the women's rest room. If available I will try to use neutral family rooms just out of curtesy. The other reservation I have is if I see a mother with a young daughter heading into the women's room. In those situations I usually wait for them to exit to put off any chance of making either of them uncomfortable. I see nothing to be gained by raising anyone's discomfort level. Other than that, take Moni's advice, walk proud and confident and respectful. I have never been challenged or even made uncomfortable.

Anne

[Janes Groove]

I still have bathroom dread even after living full time as a woman for a year now.   When it seemed like there were headlines every day about transgender bathroom issues it definitely intensified. It's such a vulnerable thing to do in the first place.  And when one is just beginning one's transition, it is a very vulnerable time as well.  The thought of having to deal with a scene in a public bathroom was pretty paralyzing.  So I used to ALWAYS make sure to go before I left the house.  It wasn't til about last June when I went into a ladies room for the first time.  But now it's easier.  When it comes to living as a woman there is really nothing like on the job training.

Also, I caught a huge break by living in a progressive state where we are guaranteed that right by law.

[mac1]

I would like to be able to use the women's restroom.

[sarah1972]

I can so feel with you. I am planning my first girls night out with three girlfriends in December and I already spent a good amount of time on all planned locations web sites to figure out if they have a family restroom... stop one will be A mac cosmetics store, and I have memorized the location of all family restrooms in the mall. Drinks afterwards will be more of a problem... not sure I am ready for the ladies room yet :-(

[Nancys Girl]

I've been full time since May 2.  I still get the bathroom jitters.  Work is especially a problem because it's a college and the female students have likely all either read me or been informed about me by other female students that have read me.  If I go into a women's room and there's a female student there I can pretty well count on her knowing that I'm trans, and possibly raising a fuss.  I definitely do not want this to happen because HR and Administration have been very kind and supportive.  So I use a single that has Men on the door though it breaks my heart to do it.  Word has it that HR is labeling all the singles for trans people, though as for me this is a bit of a partial solution.

A bit of light in the darkness- I was walking toward "my bathroom" one afternoon when there were several staff from housekeeping working on the carpet outside the door.  "Excuse me" I said, and proceeded in.  One of the housekeeping staff looked up and said "Hey lady!  You can't go in there!"