I'm terrified of coming out.

[zamber74]

I really wish I had a therapist to talk to, but that is not going to happen anytime soon.  I'm worried about what my parents would think, I know that is really silly seeing that I am middle aged - but it still bothers me.  I also worry about my brothers and how they will react.  None of them will like it, I know that they are likely to berate me and belittle me..  I'm actually just considering hiding it from them, isn't that crazy?  People who are supposed to love you, just being so cruel..

My mother in law has made it clear many times, how much she despises everything LGBT, that is not going to be a fun discussion. 

Just thinking about it, makes my heart race and my fingers shake.  I live in Florida, in a place where blatant racism and homophobia are made public, and I worry how I will make it here.  It is outright terrifying, and to be frank this is the point where I usually give up on the idea of transitioning, that and after looking at my body and being ashamed of it.

I've always done horribly when things become this way, I couldn't even make it though boot camp because I started worrying so much.    

But I'm also worried that I will never transition, and will forever be stuck where I am now.. putting it off further and further down the road.  I think so many of you are outstanding to be able to get past all of this, while I remain a coward.  God (goddess?) I wish I transitioned back when I was in my twenties and just got through this already. 

One thing that keeps me going is just thinking I'll take it slow, first I'll lose some weight, in about half a year to a year I'll see a therapist, and proceed from there. 

And I'm sorry for being negative here, it has just been on my mind.  This is the point I always get to, and then I give up and become incredibly depressed.  Thank you all for reading.  It is really shameful, that I have yet to have grown past this yet, at the age I am now.

[Dena]

When to start is different for everybody. You have to decide that the cost of remaining as you are is higher than to cost of transitioning. In my case, I was within inches of taking my life when I decided my only option was to move forward. I hope it doesn't reach that point for you. The advantage you have is access to so many resources that you could make the decision to move forward tomorrow. In my case, it took 5 years just to locate the resources I needed to get started.

I understand if you don't wish to proceed but as time goes on, the discomfort you are living with will get more difficult to contain. Yes it will be difficult but I think at sometime you will have to make a decision to proceed with the transition.

[zamber74]

I hear you Dena, in the past it was a matter of staying intoxicated later it moved on to video games, and while they are much healthier, it only lasts so long.  Life has been more or less a cycle over the past several years, it is really outrageous how much of an impact this has had on me.  I don't know if it will get any better if I were to transition, I do know it may get worst, but it is and always has been on my mind.  I don't want to over glamorize it, it is sure to be a life full of hardship, but how will I ever know if I don't at least try.

I don't think I will get suicidal over it, I love life too much, but at the same time it would be rather spectacular to actually for once, be myself in this world.  Right now, as far as I am concerned I am in a transitional point in my life, albeit a slow paced one, taken with caution.  I have drafted a simple plan in my mind, and I intend to keep with it, so long as I do not lose everything in the process. 

You know, it is funny.  I'm an incredibly introverted person, I haven't a single friend out there, am no longer employed, when I go about in public I shy away from conversation.  Eye contact has always been difficult, as I have always been afraid that people may see through me.  Having grown up being accused of being gay, or ridiculed sort of spun me into my own little shell.  It is not like I even have that much to lose in the public sphere, I have built quite the fortress around me.

Bleh, I'm going on way too much about this.  I do apologize, this forum is the extent of my communication with anyone regarding how I feel.  Much less, anyone in general.  I really need to find a way to get a therapist, because I know this board is not a replacement for one, and really I do not want to dump all of my emotional luggage here.

I really need to develop a idgaf attitude with the world, and be myself..  anyway, thank you for replying it helps a lot.

[Janes Groove]

You'll get there.  We all went thru it.
If it's any help when I came out a year ago at Thanksgiving Dinner at the age of 57 I planned it for weeks in advance.  Told everyone at once. I came out as gay back in the 90's and did it piecemeal telling one person at a time. I knew I didn't want go thru that again.  I looked at it as something unpleasant that just had to be done. Just to get past it.  Even up to the last minute though I was bedeviled by doubts. Especially the "I'm too old for this" internal dialog. What finally pushed me over the edge to action though was the thought of growing old as an old man. Every day becoming more and more of a grizzled, old man. It was more than I could stand.

Hang in there. And keep fighting.

[Dena]

Zamber, funny thing about your post is about 45 years ago if I were being honest with myself, I could have written much the same thing. I didn't drink and the only video game available was Pong but I was introverted with never more than 3 friends at a time. I was absorbed in Science fiction, electronics and computers and had minimal social skills. I would have never felt comfortable posting the way I do on the forum today. The transition process not only freed me from my personal discomfort but opened up the world of people to me.

It's fearful facing the world that could be your future but there is a world you are not experiencing today that I think you will enjoy far more that what you have today. If and when will be up to you but we have many on the forum in their 50s and 60s who wish they would have done this years ago. It was difficult for me to locate the resources I needed so I couldn't complete surgery until I was 30 and I would have liked to done it sooner. Make your decision wisely so you avoid regret in the future.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Zamber.  I can totally relate to being stuck.  I am only just starting my transition at age 62.  I wish I had started when I was 35, because, dammit, I already knew back then.  But I was just as stuck as you for all that time.

But you can only do what you can do.  Be gentle with yourself, but keep yourself moving forward, however slowly you need to.  Don't put off seeing a therapist.  They can help you plan how to deal with the various challenges that you will face.

[Emileeeee]

You really can't worry about what other people are going to think. This is for you, not them. You may know their reaction to someone else, but you don't know their reaction to you. If you judge them based on something they haven't even done, you're going to build up those fears to a point where they're not manageable anymore.

I know easier said than done. They're things most adults seem to get, but we lag behind a bit in that arena, probably because of a lifetime spent doing whatever it takes to make people like you as your birth sex. I didn't get to that point until I reached total self acceptance. Sadly, like so many others, I learned self acceptance out of necessity, because I was ready to take my own life.

[zamber74]

Thank you all for your replies, they are all helpful.  You know, I think this is the closest I've ever gotten, it is as though I have had a relative calmness today.  Through self reflection, it has come down to a rather odd set of barriers I have created for myself.  A protection really, built of fear and shame. 

It is hard to explain, it has governed my life for so long now, keeping me prisoner.  The more I thought of it, the more I saw how self defeating it is.  It has left me with a life mostly filled with solitude, always being distant from others, and more or less neglecting a part of me that exists, reducing myself to little more than hermit among people, terrified of interacting with others.

Today though, there was a strange awareness of all of this.  How much it has held me back, and a sense of being okay with letting it out.  Right now, at this moment, I feel as ready as ever.  Not to come out to others mind you, that is still going to be a bit off, but to really embrace this myself in ways I haven't before. 

For now, I need to find a means to create an income for myself whilst maintaining the chores around the house, as well as caring for a family.  It takes a lot of time out of my day, and in my particular situation, flexible hours are a must on a day to day basis.  To that end, I've been studying a bit on programming, hopefully I will be able to make a little bit of money writing little games.. I've the time to study in between the chores, and everything else. 

At this point in my life, I don't really even place an emphasis on passing.  I just want to allow myself, to be myself, and that really is a major breakthrough from how I felt in the past.  It is not so much about other people and how they will feel about me, it is now about how I feel about myself.. damn, I wish I came to the revelation much earlier in my life.

[Rachel_Christina]

I know your strugle, I have been ther I was aware very young, and I delt with this much younger than you (at 25) but I will tell you now, you cannot worry about what other will say, we have to really seperate ourselves from them especially if they are going to be negative!
I told my mother at 20 that I felt like a girl, and told her my whole life storry, all I asked of her before I told her is that she keep talking to me of the subject, within 3 days she stopped and had me feeling like a weirdo, she had said I would be an Ugly girl. That really hurt as I simply always felt like a girl, and it stopped me for another 5 years :/.
I lived that loner life too, I spent all my time working for my cars, and the car scene (tuner) it made me somewhat cool.
This forum is perfect though for talking, it really helps, you know the therapist can only guide you, you must be happy within yourself and with who you are, all this guilt and shame, its not based on who or what you are, its based on what you think others peoples perceptions will be,... and even if you are right its is still just ther crappy way of thinking thanks to their ignorance of the subject, how I wish I could zap those fools into being trans for a month or two they would soon learn!
When I went to my therapist, I knew exactly what I wanted and how I felt, I was confident and she could see I was female right away. She gave me my letter for hormones right ther that first day.
Remember to be happy with yourself, everyone else doesn't matter.
Goodluck! and head high!

[JoanneB]

What you are feeling and how you have been coping I'd say is fairly typical. We all do or did things to "Quiet the Noise" in our heads. The ABSOLUTE last thing we wanted to do was anything about being trans. For mostly the same reasons, Transphobia, Shame, Guilt.

For 50 years I tried to beat the Beast. It wasn't until I realized how I was NOT handling being trans was wrecking my life. I came to also realize that any hope of happiness with or without transitioning first needed me to shed the ton of emotional baggage I had accumulated. This was not easy at all, taking reading a ton of self-help books, finding a TG support group, and eventually a TG friendly therapist in.... rural West Virginia. All this was after needing to relocate there for work from the shadow of New York City. Got to love a good irony.

My therapist often has to remind me I cannot control or predict what people will say or do with perfect accuracy. Or even any. What I can control is myself, my feelings, or reaction to them, and my actions. For the most part you know family, friends, society in general is not going to be too accepting. Some may surprise you Others may come around in time. "Time" perhaps being decades as it has been for some of my support group members when it came to family.

I am a firm believer in "Baby-Steps". I also found that fixing, or healing, myself from the inside made taking baby-steps far less stressful. I speak from experience having 2 failed transition experiments in my early 20's. I was very ill prepared, tons of shame, guilt and internalized transphobia back then.

I also have a simple question I always ask myself when faced with a problem with no good or clear answers to. The answer to this question seems to always point in the right direction.

"Which Pain is Worse?"

[AngieT]

I'd highly recommend at least one or two therapy sessions to sort out your feelings. discuss your concerns, and plot a plan for your future.  If money is an issue, I know of a well experienced LGBT office in Orlando that will do therapy appointments for $15 per visit. 

Transition, in itself, is pretty easy.  The real challenges are in dealing with family and friends if you decide to move forward.  Some people face it head on, and some of us follow less conventional routes to dealing with family.  (with the exception of my wife I came out to family when I was ~3 weeks post-op and it was too late for them to try to stop me)  It all just depends of your personal circumstances.  FWIW, I began transition/HRT at age 35.

[zamber74]

I'd highly recommend at least one or two therapy sessions to sort out your feelings. discuss your concerns, and plot a plan for your future.  If money is an issue, I know of a well experienced LGBT office in Orlando that will do therapy appointments for $15 per visit. 

Transition, in itself, is pretty easy.  The real challenges are in dealing with family and friends if you decide to move forward.  Some people face it head on, and some of us follow less conventional routes to dealing with family.  (with the exception of my wife I came out to family when I was ~3 weeks post-op and it was too late for them to try to stop me)  It all just depends of your personal circumstances.  FWIW, I began transition/HRT at age 35.

It sounds great, but I live on the gulf coast unfortunately.  I am in Hernando county, about two hours from Orlando I believe.  I haven't had much luck finding a therapist in this area though, I'm wondering if it would be better for me just to take the commute. 

[josie76]

Search the psychology today website. You can search through licensed therapist by specialty specifically transgender and even insurances accepted. That's how I found my therapist. She's been great for me.

[VenessaKyle]

hi everyone! I thought this topic would be perfect for my first post.

Im 25 years old an looking for advice on coming out to "family". I have been wanting for the longest time especially for the last month to just go ahead an say F%#K IT, and tell my family. however as you all know its not as easy as it sounds. I have only told one person in my life an that was my ex-girlfriend. if theres anyone who I should tell first it would be my mom. she has always been supportive of me in all aspects of my life. I just don't know how to come out and say it =/. Please can somebody help me!!!

[zamber74]

hi everyone! I thought this topic would be perfect for my first post.

Im 25 years old an looking for advice on coming out to "family". I have been wanting for the longest time especially for the last month to just go ahead an say F%#K IT, and tell my family. however as you all know its not as easy as it sounds. I have only told one person in my life an that was my ex-girlfriend. if theres anyone who I should tell first it would be my mom. she has always been supportive of me in all aspects of my life. I just don't know how to come out and say it =/. Please can somebody help me!!!

I wish I had some advice, but I am not sure.  I'm going to wait till after I lose a bunch of weight as well as start HRT.  I'm gonna wait till they push the issue, then I'm going to come out to them.  If they throw a fuss over it, I'll let them know that I let them and others have the person they wanted me to be for 42 years (probably will be 45 or 46 by that time) and it is now time to let myself be the person I have always been.  Once they start trying to guilt trip me, I'll let them know I'm sorry, but I can't live like this anymore.

[josie76]

VenessaKyle, it is really hard especially the first person you tell. It is also so freeing. The more people in my family I told the more my self was set free. It's an indescribable feeling for me as I've held my secret for my 40 years.

For my mom I started with "do you remember when I was four and I said I wished I was a girl?, Well that never went away." For me that worked. Of course she didn't remember it but it was a lot more of an important memory for me than for her after all.

[Maybebaby56]

Transition, in itself, is pretty easy.

It is?  I must be doing it wrong.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I have survived drug addiction and prison.

The real challenges are in dealing with family and friends if you decide to move forward.

Those are certainly huge issues, but my biggest challenge was dealing with myself first, and finding the courage and strength to move forward. 

I took small steps: growing my hair long, starting facial hair removal, getting my ears pierced, and, importantly, giving myself permission to fail along the way.  I felt I could live with it if I gave it my best shot and I found it was just more than I could cope with.  The game plan changed after I started HRT, though.  The psychological effects were profound and my attitude changed from "I don't know if I can do this", to "I have to find a way to do this." To answer the question JoanneB wisely poses, "Which pain is worse?", it became worse not to pursue transition.

It all just depends of your personal circumstances.  FWIW, I began transition/HRT at age 35.

Yes.  I started at age 56, with the loss of my family, friends, and career all a possibility.  So far I have not lost any friends, and people at work have been great since I came out full-time, but I am losing my children (at least for now), and that really hurts.

With kindness,

Terri

[Lily Rose]

damn, I wish I came to the revelation much earlier in my life.

if frogs had wings...

  everyday i wish, i had the internet or the courage to do this at age 20. that would have made me a much happier person. the other day was talking to my mother she looked down to read something and thought this is it, i am going to tell her! opened my mouth and nothing came out. was like i went mute. the most ridiculous thing i think is how can she not know. i must have told her or my father back before puberty (most likely her). also it was her clothes i used everyday in my teens to prepare myself for a life as a woman, that obviously never happened. at age 43 all i want to do today is say "mom i am a woman and my name is lily" and would love a hug and hear "i love you and it will be okay". after a life that i never wanted this seems so ridiculous when i put it into words, but it will happen i pray one day.

she had said I would be an Ugly girl.

i think you proved her wrong! 

[KathyLauren]

opened my mouth and nothing came out. was like i went mute.

Yes, I remember that happening to me, too.  I had the words ready, I had taken a breath to speak, my toungue was forming the first word, ... and nothing came out.  It's a type of panic attack.

The only way I know to get through that wall is to keep telling yourself that you can do it, and then keep smashing up against the wall until you chip away enough to break through.  That's what I did.  It took me months.

Hang in there.  You CAN do it!

[Janes Groove]

It is?  I must be doing it wrong.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I have survived drug addiction and prison.

It's hard. It is. It is a birth and most births are painful.
For me labor pains lasted 57 years!