Having gotten to the point of signing up and starting this thread, I find myself still uncertain what exactly I'm looking for. I think I need to just put this down on internet-paper in order to organize my thoughts.
I am cis-male, straight for the most part, but I have another layer to my identity. I won't go over the whole finding my other self story, suffice to say it's filled with all the usual cliches about experimenting when I'm young, rediscovering it later in life, purging, etc. At this point, I am quite at peace with the idea of HAVING that side of me, which is to say, it evokes no sense of shame or disgust. I'm quite open-minded about alt lifestyles so this is nothing to me.
I guess, here's my problem. It's like I'm two people. Two VERY different people. And they are each pulling in different directions. When I am male I have ZERO interest in dressing up or any of the other things associated with it (which for me tend to be highly sexual). But then, when the mood takes me, it's like I am being possessed by this other side of me, and she is so different.
I understand that this isn't altogether unusual, but I feel it is reaching a point where it is untenable. I am craving things when feminine that are deleterious to my life as a male, and I don't understand what's wrong with them until I'm finished and the fog of lust and femininity begins to dissipate, allowing me to think rationally again. As a male I am less and less interested in this other side of my life, and I often wish I could just cut it away and let it run free while I get back to my own business.
What prompted this thread is a recent Google search rabbit-hole I fell down while researching a semi-related problem. You see my voice never developed fully, I sound like a child (or a girl, even), which my other side delights in, but which causes me no end of problems in my male life. I happened across a suggestion by one person to another with my problem, that perhaps they have some form of testosterone problem, and should consider getting a blood test to check their hormone levels.
What would otherwise have been a pleasant ray of hope was, in this case, a source of conflicting ambivalence. Say, for sake of argument, I myself have such a testosterone problem. That would explain a LOT, including, perhaps, my feminine side. Maybe I am literally torn between two genders? That being the case, maybe there is a solution, maybe I could correct it. But therein lies the dilemma. While I have often wished for such an opportunity, suddenly the prospect of losing "her" feels somehow... harrowing.
But at the same time, I am not like those lifestyle crossdressers. This is not an identity to me. It's practically a *fetish*. I'm not transgendered or a girl in a guy's body, it's more like my sexuality itself is steeped in scent of womanhood, and anything that gets my pants tight inevitably brings out the girl in me. This is honestly something I would rather be without. It's just that... in a way it's been my only escape from myself for all this time, and believe me, while my female side is arousing to me, the male half and I are barely friends.
If I could wave a magic, or even scientific wand and take this all away, it would be the ultimate purge. Hundreds, if not thousands of dollars worth of clothes and accessories would become meaningless to me overnight, as they largely are when in a male mood. Maybe that would be good for me? A fresh start? Maybe it's just like moving home and getting used to a new normal. Or maybe that rebalancing of hormones wouldn't be enough, and in time I'll be drawn back, feeling nothing but regret for everything I threw away?
But either way, I can't stay as I am. The girly side is getting more ravenous and intense, the male side is feeling held back by that other part of me. While I said earlier I am not ashamed of this, there is a certain humiliation to it all, particularly the mental surrender, that I would rather be without (especially considering the way my sexuality works with this other side of me). I don't condemn the girl, nor resent the man. But I don't want to be both anymore. I'm tired of fighting with myself.
I am male. That won't change, nor do I want it to. I just don't know whether it's really possible to remove the female, or if it's worth trying. I still don't seem to know what I'm asking. Perhaps one of the answers will help me to understand that as well?
MxB
